Tired does not even begin to describe what I am feeling. I should have stayed in my hotel room after the concert last night but I was on such an adrenaline high that I would have been bouncing off the walls. I'm paying for it now and on top of it all we're in the middle of a photo shoot. AJ walked out of hair and makeup and I shook my head at his newly lightened hair; blonde to be exact. He smiled at me,
"I look better as a blonde than you." I rolled my eyes at him,
"You don't really believe that do you?" He nodded his head,
"You're the cute one remember? Puppies are cute. I'm the bad one, girls love bad boys." I frowned,
"Even you don't believe that." The stupid roles we were put into were one of the most annoying things about our entire ride on the pop star roller coaster. It was hard enough with the schedule and the work but having to remember how I was expected to act was even more stressful. It wasn't enough that I was a good and respectful person. I had to be even more, give even more, be more than I wanted to be for the sake of an image and everyone else. So mothers could feel safe to use me as their kids' babysitter. So girls would like me even though it wasn't the real me because it was more important for me to be what everyone wanted me to be for their sake than be what I really was for my own. He laughed a little and shook his head,
"Haven't you figured it out by now? It doesn't matter what you are. You're whatever people think you are." It may seem totally ridiculous but it was true. I had figured it out a while ago. One would think that people knew the difference between what they saw on television and stage and reality. You would think people knew you were just as screwed up as them but they didn't. They held you to a higher standard and were disappointed when you were tired, drunk or whatever it was that millions of other people felt. During my year of learning and growth I accepted the fact that I couldn't make everyone happy so I had to make myself happy. Look out for myself because no one else was, especially those that expected more than they should from me. I stopped letting strangers' expectations and disappointment bother me. I just couldn't live my life to make sure their bubble wasn't burst; it was exhausting not to mention unfair. I sighed,
"Yeah, I forgot about that." The photographer's assistant made his way over and led us to the set where Brian, Kevin and Howie were waiting. I know Brian and Kevin are from butt-fucking nowhere but do we need to be reminded of it by their wardrobe? Kevin was in some checkered looking shirt and Brian looked like he was calling a hoe down. All they needed was a piece of straw sticking from their mouths and they could be Huckleberry Finn and his friend whatever his name is. The only reason I knew of Huckleberry Finn was because my sister read that book for school. What made it even worse was that Howie looked like some new millennium Zorro, without the cape and mask of course. AJ has on leather and some type of see through shirt and here I am with a T-shirt and a pair of jeans being the All-American boy. Do these outfits match? No, and thank God for small favors that we aren't back in the matching outfits days, but it doesn't escape me that we are somewhat in our roles.
"Now guys I want you to look somber, no smiles." It took all I had to not groan, roll my eyes and stomp out. Great, this is going to be another photoshoot where I look like I'm trying to be Billy Badass. I wonder if people know the looks we give in pictures are because of instructions from the photographer? I hope so.
"Nick, are you dating?" I smiled and shook my head as I shifted in my seat. Boy, you have to love these interviews. This time it is the bible of all celebrity news, People magazine.
"Nope, I'm not dating." She looked at me as if she knew I was lying,
"Seriously, I'm not dating anyone. We're on tour, it's been too busy." She went on with something about not dating but I really tuned her out and threw a sly 'I'm not telling' look. No, I'm not celibate but I'm not dating. Dating you see that person more than once. I'm from city to city; it's rare I see someone more than once. Come on, people know I'm having sex. That's what she was really asking about, who I was screwing. Everyone knew I wasn't in a relationship with anyone but I was still having sex. Why was there the need for people to hear it come from my mouth? Common sense should affirm certain things for people right?
"Do you guys still have a beef with NSYNC?" I want to scream but I know that won't go over that well. I wonder if the look I'm giving her makes her feel stupid for asking that question? I hope so.
My phone rang and I wasn�t sure if I wanted to answer it, they could upset my state of mind and my ass will be sitting here staring at the wall instead of taking a nap like I wanted to do. I sat there and thought about it but I still answered the phone anyway.
�Hello?� I�m praying this wasn�t someone I didn�t want to talk to because the number was one that I did not recognize,
�Hey you.� Those two words could only mean one thing,
�Hey Brehan. What�s up?� I had wondered if I was going to hear from her. After the mini-altercation between her, one of our people and Kevin I figured she would give me the brush off. Especially after she didn�t want to stay for the show,
�Nothing much. How was your show last night?� She was asking about me, that�s a good sign. Show�s interest right?
�It went great. Too bad you couldn�t be there.� Now why did I do that? Why did I bring up the fact that she wasn�t at the show? She groaned slightly,
�Yeah, I�m sorry too. I wasn�t feeling that well. I�m still feeling right now.� Now that she mentioned it, she didn�t sound all that animated and upbeat. I think too much I guess she wasn�t thinking about the argument at all. Now that I think about it, she did seem out of it last night too. Last night, now I can�t help but think of what she told me about Steven. The store made a mistake. She didn�t really believe that did she? Expensive jewelers don�t make mistakes. I don�t, for a minute, believe they made a mistake. I can�t explain why a watch would be sent to her with another woman�s name on it but a jeweler�s mistake isn�t high on my list of explanations.
�What are you doing tonight?� I don�t expect her to know that I have a concert tonight. Remembering my schedule is probably the last thing on her mind.
�I have a concert tonight. What about you?� I hope she doesn�t think I�m asking her to come to the concert.
�Work stuff. How about I meet you afterwards at your hotel?� She must not be mad,
�That�s cool , maybe we can head out afterwards.� She laughed,
�That�s what I was planning on. You didn�t think I was going to sit in your room all night and play checkers did you?� I don�t know what I was thinking but whatever it I was thinking probably wasn�t what she was thinking.
�I gotta get going kid. See you tonight.� That was that and before I could say another word she was gone. I didn�t have time to lie back down before the phone rang again,
�Yeah, you forgot to let me say good-bye.�
�What? Nick?� I just assumed it was Brehan calling me back,
�Yeah, who is this?�
�It�s Jennifer.� I�m going to give it to her straight and end this. I can�t take it anymore. I wonder if I can do this without hurting her. I hope so, but this time I highly doubt it.
Chapter 69
Stranger Than Fiction
Stories
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