Software Related
One day, three
consultants, one from Wipro, one from Infosys and one from TCS, went out for a
walk. They were old buddies from an engineering college, and they were together
for a college reunion. For no apparent reason, they went into this zoo and
passed a monkey.
Being in the same business and from the same college, there was a little bit of
a peer competition going on between themselves - they couldn't resist testing
themselves against each other - especially the Infosys guy. Said he to the
others: 'Why don't we prove who is
the best among ourselves?'. 'Why not', said the other two.
The Infoscion said 'Let's have a test. Whoever makes this monkey laugh, works
for the best firm'. By mutual agreement, the Infoscion took the first turn.
Being a pure logical strategist, the Infoscion tried to make the monkey laugh by
telling jokes. The monkey stayed still. As a more practical consultant, the
Wipro guy tried to make funny gestures. No good, the monkey stayed put.
Now, comes the TCSer, being the practical guy he was always trained to be, he
whispered something into the monkey's ear, and it burst out laughing at him. The
other two were astonished. How did this TCS guy manage to beat them? No way they
were going to accept
defeat so easily. So the Wipro guy said 'OK, let's take another test. Let's make
this monkey cry !!'
So there they went again, applying the same methods as before. The Infosys guy narrated sad stories, the Wipro guy made sad gestures, and they failed again. Then, the TCSer again whispered something nto the monkey's ear and lo! It started crying, patting the TCSer's shoulder! The other two just could not believe their eyes! So the Infoscion said 'OK, you've won twice. If you can win just this one, we will bow to you. Let's make this monkey run'. And he barked at the monkey and ordered him to run. Of course, it stayed where it was. The Wipro guy, true to his type, pushed and prodded the monkey- still No go.
So here comes our TCS guy, again, and whispers into the monkey's ear. The monkey justtakes off! It runs and runs as fast as it can, as if it was scared to death! The other two surrendered.Said they: 'OK, we give up. You're the best among us, and you work for the Best firm of the three. But please, please tell us your secret,' they begged him. 'Well', said the TCSer, 'The first time I made it laugh, I told it I work for TCS. The next time, I told the monkey how much I get paid, so it started crying. And then I told him that I was here for recruitment!!!
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A man checked into a
hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally Typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his
error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages
from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the
room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 27 Apr 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you
are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been
checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Yours loving husband.
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A
student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the
teacher split the class into two groups-- male and female and asked them to
decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine
noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine
gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
pay check on accessories for it
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine, because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the
problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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Dear
Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down
in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running NAGGING 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can
I do?
Desperate.
Dear
Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0
is an operating system.
Try
to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and
Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0, or Television 6.1. Television 6.1 is a very bad program that
will create Loud noises (WAV files) and does not get deleted.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These
are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional
software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and
Cheerfulness 2.0.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
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This is about the life of a software professional
1.
when in college !!
Hum honge kaamiyaab, Hum honge kaamiyaab ek din.....
2. when giving interview to Multi National Company
Tu hi re.. Too hi ree... tere binaaa main kaise jiyunn....
3. waiting for interview result!!
Intehaa ho gai Intzaarki.. aayinaaa kuch khabar... mere yaar ki...
4. just joined
Too cheez bhadi hai mast mast....tu cheej badi hai mast....
5. after some time...
Ye kahaan ....aagaye hum......????
6. After some more time...
Naa koyi umang hai, naa koyi tarang hai, meri jindagi kya ek kati Pathang hai (booohoooo).....
7. floating the resume
kabootar ja ja ja... kabootar ja ja ja...
8. finally when you don't get a better offer any longer.
Jeena yehaan, marna yehaan iske siwa jaana kahan...
****************************************************************************************************************
The
best of all programming which rules the world. Here is very interesting program.
Enjoy.
#include
#include
#define MAAL beautiful_lady
main()
{
goto college;
scanf('100%',&ladies);
if(lady == MAAL)
line++;
while( !reply )
{
printf('I Love U');
scanf('100%',&reply);
}
if(reply == 'GAALI')
main(); /* go back and repeat the process */
else if(reply == 'SANDAL ')
exit(1);
else if(reply == 'I Love U')
{
lover = MAAL;
love = (heart*)malloc(sizeof(lover));
}
goto restaurant;
restaurant:
{
food++;
smile++;
pay->money = lover->money;
return(college);
}
if(time==2.30)
goto cinema;
cinema:
{
watch++;
touch++ ;
if(intermission)
{
coke++;
smoke++;
}
}
if(time ==6.00)
goto park;
park:
{
for(time=6.30;time<=8.30;time+=0.001)
kiss = kiss+1;
}
free(lover);
return(home);
if(time ==9.30)
goto pub;
pub:
{
friends++;
party++;
booze++;
smoke++;
if(pub.close())
{
pay->bill;
come->out;
}
}
if (highly->intoxicated)
goto friendsroom;
else
{
sweetpan++;
polo++;
goto home;
}
friendsroom:
{
goto sleep;
}
home:
{
if(mom.shouts())
{
reason=(combinedstudy || projectwork || friendsbday);
say->reason;
}
if(dad.shouts())
shut->yourmouth;
call->lover;
if(phone->voice==(lover_dad->voice || lover_mom->voice))
{
hang++;
}
else if(phone->voice==lover->voice)
{
for(time=12:30;time<=1.30;time+=0.001)
{
say->ILuvU;
scanf('100%',&reply); /* 'I Love U' already stored in reply */
}
}
goto sleep;
}
sleep:
{
*(dream)=love;
}
}
***************************************************************************************************************
Computer terms for the Lay Man
APPLICATION What girls do to their faces when they 'Make up'.
BIT A word used to describe computers, as in 'Our son's
computer cost quite a bit.'
BYTE What the insects/flies do.
BOOT What your friends give you because you spend too much time
bragging about your computer skills.
BROWSER RAM (refer below) that grazes on your beautiful garden when the
gates are left open.
BUG What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny
computer screen for more than 15 minutes.
(or) Also what spammers do to you after
they get your name on their mailing list.
C++ Superior grade in school
CHIPS The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to
avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COBOL Guys and gals playing softball together at school
COPY What you have to do during school tests because you spend
too much time at the computer and not enough studying.
CURSOR What you turn into when you can't get your computer to
perform, as in 'You $#% computer!'
DIGITAL The art of counting on your fingers (remember digit is a finger/toe)
DISK What slips out in your back after bending over a computer
keyboard for seven hours.
DISKETTE Female disco dancer
DISK CRASH A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
DOS Opposite of don'ts
DUMP The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you
get a new computer.
ENTER Come on in..................
ERROR What you made the first time you walked into a computer
showroom to 'just look.'
EXPANSION The new room you have to build on to your home to house
UNIT your computer and all its peripherals.
FILE What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half
hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in
30 minutes.
FLOPPY The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due
to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see chips).
(or) The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
HARDWARE Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy
equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting
your computer.
HARD DRIVE The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a
Syntax Error (see below).
IBM (Intentional Ballistic Missile). The kind of missile your family
members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll
pay attention to them again.
KEYBOARD The Piano
(or) Where ya hang your keys.
(or) The standard way to generate computer errors.
Lap Top Where little kids feel comfy.
Mail Server Male waitress, damn few in here (see server below)
MAIN FRAME What holds the house up, structurally and hopefully.
MAC Your favorite fast food outlet (Donalds).
MENU What you'll never see again after buying a computer
because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
MICROCHIP What's left in the munching bag when the chips are gone.
MICROSECOND The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become
obsolete
(see below).
MICROSOFT WORD Whisper
MODEM What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall (Mow them)
MONITOR Often thought to be a word associated with computers,
this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who
always want to see your hall pass at school.
NETWORK ESPN, FOX, NBC, HBO etc.
NEWSGROUP Wives gossiping.
OBSOLETE Any computer you own.
PROMPT What the mail IS NOT.
PROGRAMS Those things you used to look at on your television before
you hooked your computer up to it.
PROGRAMMER The guy with the TV remote.
RETURN What lots of people do with their computers after only
a week and a half.
RAID What the Cops do when they are least expected.
RAM Male sheep
REAL TIME Awake and not dreaming
ROM Where the pope lives
Screen Saver Repair kit for the torn window screen
Search Engine What you do when the car dies
Server Waitress
STATE-OF Any computer you can't afford.
-THE-ART
SYNTAX ERROR Walking into a computer store and saying... 'Hi, I want to buy a
computer and money is no object.'
TERMINAL A place where you can find buses, trains and really good
deals on hot computers.
Upgrade Steep hill.
When teacher changes your grade from an 'F' to a 'D'
User The neighbor who keeps borrowing things and never repays.
Web What a spider makes on your room after u bought a computer.
Web site High corners of the ceiling/roof
(or) Where spiders catch flies.
WINDOW What you throw the computer out of, after you accidentally
erase a program that took you three days to set up.
WORM What you put on a fish hook
486 The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
****************************************************************************************************************
1. INFOSYS :
INFerior Offline Systems
2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses
4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions
5. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings
6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds
8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines
9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
10. PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors
11. HP : Hen Pecked
12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible
13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort
14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers
15. BFL : Brainwash First, and Let them go
16. DELL : Deplorable Equipment & Lack Lusture
17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd
18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India
19. PCL : Poor Computers Ltd
20. SPARC : Simply Poor And Redundant Computers
21. SUN : Surely Useless Novelties
22. CRAY : Cry Repeatedly After an Year
23. TUL : Troubles Un Limited
24. CTS : Coffee, Tea and Snacks
25. ICIM : Impossible Computers In Maintenance
26. BPL : Below Poverty Line.
27. NIIT : Not Interested in IT
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