Funny Definitions

 

SYMBOL: ILU,143

ATOMIC NUMBER: Not known

ATOMIC WEIGHT: Varies from Couple To couple

POSITION ON PERIODIC TABLE: Close To The Heart

OCCURRENCE: Occurs In highly Reactive State, College Compounds, Cinema Halls, Parks and Bus Stops!

METHOD OF PREPARATION:

a) By the action of beauty upon heart. An exothermic reaction resulting in the higher rate of blood circulation and faster heart beat!

b) By the combination of two complex compounds..commonly known as a Boy and a Girl!

CATALYST USED: Friends, Cousins, Movies, Restaurants and a highly active imagination!

REDUCING AGENTS: Parents, Teachers, Neighbors and Society!

GIRL + PARENTS ---> EXPLOSION + LOSS OF SALINE WATER FROM TEAR GLANDS

BOY + REDUCING AGENT ---> REBELLIONS

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
a) Gas at human temperature
b) COLOUR: Varying shades of Pink
c) ODOUR: Strong enough to sweep one off one's feet

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
a) ACTION ON SCIENTISTS: LOVE + SCIENTIST ---> PHILOSOPHER
b) ACTION ON TEENAGERS: LOVE + TEENAGER ---> POET
c) REACTS VIGOROUSLY WITH SUPPRESSION
d) CANNOT BE DISSOCIATED BY USE OF 'SOLID' AND 'BEAT' ENERGY

USES:
a) HELPS IN FOOD ECONOMY: If one is in LOVE... forgets to EAT and DRINK!
b) SMALL AND SUBTLE DOSAGE IS NECESSARY: As it is good for BODY and MIND
c) RAW MATERIAL FOR MOVIE THEME
d) NON-CONVENTIONAL SOURCE OF ENERGY

INFERENCE

THROUGH 'CHEMISTRY' I TRIED TO DEFINE LOVE, IT STILL REMAINS UNDEFINED.

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Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work = Power * Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:

Work = Knowledge * Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

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Experience: What you will get while looking for something else.

Zoo: A place of advice for animals to study the habits of human beings.

Adam: The only man in the world who couldn't say, 'Pardon me, haven't I seen you before?'

Dentist: A person who extracts both your teeth and money.

Bald: When one has less hair to comb and more face to wash.

Death: Stop sinning suddenly.

Neighbor: A person who is out of something.

Smile: A small curve that solve big problems.

Kitchen: Final laboratory of housewife.

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You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, 'I am very rich. Marry me!'

That's Direct Marketing.


You�re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, 'He's very rich. Marry him.'

That's Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, 'Hi, I�m very rich. Marry me.'

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say, 'By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?'

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, 'You are very rich.'

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, 'I'm rich. Marry me' She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!
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What will you do if you had two cows? Keep them, sell them, outsource them?

Here's a look at what Infosys, TCS or HCL can do with two cows.

Traditional economics

You have two cows
You sell one & buy a bull
Your herd multiplies
You retire on the income

INFOSYS ECONOMICS

You have 2 cows
You put both of them on the bench
& hire another two to do the job

TCS ECONOMICS

You have 2 cows
You tell them that only one will go to onsite
You ask both of them to fight for the only H1B Visa
Both of them die after fighting

HCL ECONOMICS

You have 2 cows
You milk them only for 24 hours on just 7 days a week
They run away

WIPRO ECONOMICS

You have 2 cows
You train them for 2 months on how to milk themselves
Then you ask them to pull bullock carts

AMERICAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows
You sell one & force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead

FRENCH ECONOMICS

You have two cows
You go on strike because you want three cows

GERMAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows
You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month & milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS

You have two cows
They are both mad cows

ITALIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows
You don't know where they are
You break for lunch

SWISS ECONOMICS

You have 5,000 cows, none of which belong to you
You charge others for storing them

JAPANESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows
You redesign them to 1/10th the size of a normal cow & make 20-times the milk
You then create cartoon cows called Cowkimon & market them

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows
You count & learn you have 5 cows
Second count: you have 42 cows
Third count: you have 17 cows
You give up & open another bottle of vodka!

CHINESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows
You have 300 people milking them
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity & arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS

You don't have any cows
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British for Warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs & Japan for equipment. You buy the cows with all this & claim of exploitation by the world

INDIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows
You worship them

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Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
Divorce : Future tense of marriage
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through 'the minds of either'.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .
Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on. . Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
 Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
 Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

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1) They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

2) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband.

3) I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

4) Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

5) Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

6) You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

7) True friends stab you in the front.

8) Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

9) Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

10) Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

11) Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

12) My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

13) Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

14) A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

15) You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

16) It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he Still ends up with the same boss.

17) Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

18) Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19) Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
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Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations :

1. At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/friends...

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here.

2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet.

Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:- Is the 'Butter Paneer Masala' good??

Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together:
When some distant aunt meets you after years

Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.


6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout. It's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?


Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?


Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

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