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HOW TO BECOME A LATIN HEART-THROB |
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STEP 1: Engrain this image into your mind. It must always be with you. You must CONSTANTLY think about it. It must be in your thoughts as you sing. It will give your eyes that glazed-over, far out look that is so important for a heart throbs success. |
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STEP 2: You must always comb your hair and use a type 8 comb, and 3.75 oz. of hair gel per strand of your JET BLACK flowing mane. A hard head will protect you from mind controlling fans. |
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STEP 2.5: You must always carry your head at a 13 degree horizontal tilt. This will help your mind become acclimated and ready for the difficult task of writing songs. It will also make your mental state that of a six year old dog's chew toy. Good luck. |
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The picture. |
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It's a common misconception amoung most Heart-throb fans that all Latin Heart-throbs are gay. This is in fact a misconception. There is no truth to this assumption. Another common misconception about the "heart-throb" is that he must be of Latin or Spanish decent. If only you knew.... This is also false. Most heart-throbs are as white as mayo in the sun in June. Origin has nothing if very little to do with heart-throbbie-ness. Another common misconception is that heart-throbs all lip sing their songs. RIDICULOUS! They may only sing one line in a song repeatedly, but that one line is sang with passion, pressence, and heart-full-ness. I hope that I have cleared up these common misconceptions. Good luck loser. |
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STEP 3: You must douse your entire body in glue twice every 2-4 hours. EVERY DAY! This will give your skin that soft smooth glow, that honey-suckle brown of burnt pancakes or rotting corn on the cob that ALL heart-throbs have and enjoy. |
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STEP 4: You must remove all... ALL of your natural teeth. All music people (banjo players included) have artificial teeth. Real teeth get caught in your throat and make you break out in hives. Dispose of those worthless enamel coated disasters as soon as possible. Fashion yourself some new teeth. Newspaper is preferrable, but if that's not available try either marshmellows or honey-mustard. |
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STEP 5: Stop wearing pants. All latin heart-throbs run around naked. The pants they seem to be wearing are actually an old Indian trick. It's best to get used to not wearing pants early so the trick works better later in the game. |
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STEP 6: Gargle Kangaroo juice twice a week the rest of your life. This will give your vocal chords vocal ability. It also makes you smile more. |
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STEP 7: You must become EXTREMELY familiar with all the different types of cheese. Exotic, Imported, Preserved. ALL OF THEM. Know them by shape, taste, size, texture, aroma, stench, and I. |
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STEP 8: MUST have a sinister laugh. All herat-throbs have a sinister laugh they keep hidden from the general public. In reality all heart-throbs are crazy derranged laughers and cacklers. |
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Several important "Latin" cheeses. |
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STEP 9: Have you changed your name to something exotic? Sorry, Ted isn't going to work. Try something like Loin-cloth Rodreguiz or Randy Half-Stoke Lopez. Maybe even Julio Julioleze. |
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That's it. If you follow these steps to the letter, you'll be well on your way to becoming a Latin Heart-throb in no time at all. See you in the pool. |
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Smile, you got Frenches. |
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Some well known (famous) Latin Heart-throbs |
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The heart-throb Janis-olo-Taco Jr. was a famous heart-throb in the third century B.C. until he met his end at the hand of his producer... a chicken named Franz. |
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Enrique Iglesias |
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Ricky Martin |
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Marc Anthony |
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Jon Bon Jovi |
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Mark Hoppus |
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Jack "Seniora" Blackany |
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