I seem to reflect much lately, on the details, the why's and how's of my intrigues with certain areas of sexuality, and today my inward discussion is on slavery. I have a fascination with it that as of yet, is neither tamed nor untamed, hanging there in mid air waiting to be explored further.

I ask myself - Is it the pain that excites you? Yes, I adore the pain. The spank of the hand or the caress of the whip. The pain arouses all of my senses and makes me keenly aware of just what and who I am. Open, vulnerable to the elements, to the mercy of others.

Is it the domination that excites you? Yes. But what facet of it? To allow someone so much control of you, and offer that much trust in another living being, that your very well being is in their hands. And that excites me. I am drawn to the idea of serving, to please or bring pleasure. To gaze up into the admiring eyes of my Master and know that he, at that moment could not be any prouder of me and thus allowing me pride in myself. This question and answer alone leads me to ask several others..What am I lacking in my own life that needs the outside sense of approval? What in my past causes me to want entry into this lifestyle? What unresolved issues am I hiding that keeps me from simply going a more normal 'route'?

But the truth is, I lack little, or nothing at all. I have a full life, with happy people, a good family, and a reasonably normal childhood. Perhaps what is lacking is passion, and all that it brings with it. The passion of life, of spirit, of wishing, wanting, hoping to quell some internal desire to become more then what you are in the eyes of another, and then by natural progression - yourself.

There is little in my past that causes me to want to be IN this lifestyle. It began as a curiosity that grew into that famed intrigue that grew into a need to explore and is now what I am doing. With complete uncertainty and willingness to fail, I put myself out there to understand just what it is I want from this.

And in answer to the final question, what unresolved issues are there? How does one answer this question except to say that they don't know. Most unresolved issues are done so because they are blocked out or masqueraded behind something less serious, and far more detrimental. I don't feel that there are any for me.

So then the answer would be sheer curiosity, a true want to know what else is out there beyond my own conceptions and notions of this life. The idea that this is a new road for me to travel, a new way to give myself a freedom that hadn't been there before. I want to get away from the typical chat room lingo of "Hey BayB r u hot 2night?" and "i lik 2 spank u" and into the discussion of the trust and love between a slave and her Master or Mistress. I want to understand the undefined questions and look to the silent answers.

Ultimately, I want to experience the experiment.

In anyone I've ever spoken to that has been serious about these relationships, the tone has been consistent. Trust, unparalleled to that unlike anything they've ever seen. Commitment, knowledge, concern and genuine admiration. I can think of few places in life where those traits are honoured as highly, as this place.

So.. It is not the item used to inflict pain, or the words to inflect mental harm, it is the emotion behind all of this that drives. The spark to want to succeed, to be proud and to make proud. The want to lead life with the abandon we had when we were children. Again, ultimately, the passion.

But perhaps I am wrong. This is the beginning for me.. and this is only my perspective. So perhaps in time, once I learn more, observe more the goings on of this world, all will become clear to me and I will find myself embroiled in this world that has managed to catch my attention so greedily.

I wonder if a Master, or Mistress, desires to know or even wonders if these thoughts run through the mind of their chosen. I wonder if they ever ask their beliefs and thoughts before their relationship ever begins? I have heard both sides say that the relationship is akin to a marriage, only the bond is stronger, more unbreakable.

And so I look for this answer from sources yet undefined.