1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get
your money's worth by cutting out non essentials. A proper passionate kiss is
the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love
this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're
trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to
your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When
she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for
ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp
down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are
highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently.
Flicking your tongue across them is
good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples
between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly
area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs:
Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her
body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into
downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore
it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate
your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off.
If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's
not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look
when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an
elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very
sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth
is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps,
they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand
down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is
okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get
carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior
of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she
likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing
massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees
are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at
least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a
couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose
the socks fist.
18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the
worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon
feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up
slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before
you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her
pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without
climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a
numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something
to hold her
interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make
noise.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get
your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking
your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's
eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All
women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their
hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to
her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not
everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so
she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during
fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men
ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting
while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't
feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN
ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able
to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't
think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of
you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let
her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her
back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and
feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a
belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but
unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you
want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for
men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on
the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear
turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a
megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor
calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you
get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on
her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your
bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
Original author unkown. Forwarded to me by my sister.
While there is an exception to every rule, for the most part I would believe
these are true. Some women make enjoy hot candle wax, anal intercourse, hickys,
and other such stuff. For all of the above, I recommmend talking to your
partner as to what is a no-no, and what is a yes, Yes, YES!
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