This work and related works created and posted to this website by the author "Goodkingalan", "Alan Schaeffer" unless otherwise specificaaly noted is protected and licensed under a Creative Commons License.
I've had him in my head, screaming from my past.
I kept him from my heart, held him in shadow.
Now the monster died, regret taints my every memory.
He's not the same man I knew, I'm not the same I know.
The anger festers though, seething too close to the skin.
My father was brought down, down to my size.
The memories of his glare, the snap and snarl of teeth.
The frustration madness, stomping screaming, bitter tears.
The rage, this temper I have inherited,I still lay blame.
I can't stop being him, exploding, unable to apologize.
Lurking inside me I feel it, waiting for any mistake.
My father was brought down, down to my size.
Never a hero of mine, now we can't say what we mean.
Pregnant pauses, threading our talk of weather
Now he's ill and I'm concerned, almost against my will.
He won't ask for any help or even mention, I won't offer.
We are both shut out, as we try to include each other.
My father was brought down, down to my size.
but it wasn't me, it was life, the world.
Now that I'm too much him, with so much less to lose.
Will I be brought down too, humbled lonely saddened.
I'm softer than he is or was, something I can respect.
The lessons I have learned, didn't teach me to expect this.
9/29/04
I have felt the breath of death biting through my clothes.