Sacking Evil
Original Concept: Robert Hazel
Edited by Meghan Brennan

Characters:

Dark Prince: An eccentric genius who has grown lazy and disillusioned with life. He longs for a real challenge.

Pride (Wesley): A teacher’s pet. He can’t back up his claims with real accomplishments, and fails to see how he is being used.

Junior: With a wit sharper than knives, a temper colder than a stop sign in winter, and a put upon attitude toward life, Junior has made his mark in the world. He has failed. 

Divine Providence (Mums/Melody): She’s done it all and it shows. She has complete confidence in herself, and is frustrated that others cannot achieve the same tasks that she has. She also resents that many do not recognize her accomplishments. 

Receptionist (Gabby): In olden days, this would have been Gabriel. Unfortunately, Gabe got married, and has a kid in Sweden, leaving his younger sister to do fill his shoes. This wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t work around such totally cool people! And Dark Prince’s got a cute posterior.  

Scenes:

Scene 1: DARK PRINCE’s office
	True genius is shown through the clutter of personal space, and still knowing where the stapler is.  A massive computer is the focal point for the clutter, and the walls are lined with pop culture from Hello Kitty to Emo. Next to the door is a trashcan labeled “incoming” and a cup labeled “out”. Both are empty (well, the cup might have a dirty sock in it). Next to the computer, under a burrito, is a set of charts and maps, as well as a stack of “Sales Exec of the Year” awards. 

Scene 2: Reception area
	Pretty blasé. An oval desk, a kakhi carpet. Gabby. Very Spartan. 

Scene 3: Office
	Posters showing the disparity between the “good” product and the “bad” product line the edges of the boardroom. Behind the CEO’s seat is a wet bar. It should be airy and very economy looking. 

Scene 4: Men’s Toilet
	Urinals, graffiti, cracked mirrors—it should be ‘nice’ looking in an insincere sort of way. Very fake. 

Place: Anytown, USA, Now.
 Act I

 Scene I

(DARK PRINCE’s Office, Night time. DARK PRINCE sits at his computer desk, playing solitaire. There is a knock on his door)

DARK PRINCE
We’re closed. Whatever it is, put it in the basket and we’ll get back to you at the Apocalypse.

GABBY
				(Opens door. Enters and dumps some files into “in”)
Ha ha. Junior asked me to drop these off, sir, and remind you about the marketing meeting tomorrow. He said it’s imperative that you show up. 

DARK PRINCE
(Gets up and looks in trashcan, moves things around a little. This might be an excuse to look up Gabby’s skirt)
When his division is half as successful as me, I might listen. Until then, he can keep his triplicate signed and stapled piles of crap to himself. 
				(Abandons trashcan in disgust)

GABBY
I wouldn’t blow this off if I were you. Melody’s going to be there tomorrow.

DARK PRINCE
Pulling in the big guns is he? Hm. Call my managers and have one of them go. The twit might think he got a promotion. 

GABBY
				(shakes her head, and turns to leave)
I’ll call again to remind you. I have to get going if I’m going to make my date tonight. 

GABBY exits

	(DARK PRINCE goes back to his desk and stares at the screen. As DARK PRINCE begins his game again, the phone rings. He picks it up.)

JUNIOR
(over phone. “Boss” is condescending- to be seen as an inside joke)
So, boss, we’ll see you at the strategy meeting tomorrow, right?

(the computer screen flickers)

DARK PRINCE
I was planning to begin my vacation—

(The lights begin flickering, and the computer goes dead)

DARK PRINCE
 (cont’d. amused and annoyed)
Next week, you realize, so my department might be a bit behind in any changes. However, I don’t think it will be much of a problem. My team’s always seems to beat yours when crunch time comes.

JUNIOR
I’m glad we see eye to eye.

(Hangs up)

DARK PRINCE
			(As he turns computer back on)
Little shit.

Scene II

(Reception, Daytime. Begin with GABBY glancing nervously at a clock, then at the elevator, which bings open merrily, allowing DARK PRINCE to exit. DARK PRINCE is technically in a business suit…gone urban jungle. He’s carrying a brief case and a super soaker.)

GABBY
They’ve been waiting almost an hour for you!

DARK PRINCE
				(walking past her)
They should have been more specific.

	(DARK PRINCE pulls a ball from his blazer pocket and kicks it down the hall and into the OFFICE)
GABBY
Note to self: Next time tell him which time zone, and what reality. 

Scene III

(MUMSY sits at the head of the table, calmly stacking matches on top of a very full file folder. JUNIOR sits anxiously at her right side. WESLEY sits, thumbing through a male fashion magazine, quite smug with something.)

DARK PRINCE
(kicking the ball into a tipped box on the opposite side of the office which holds a few other similar balls to show that this is a regular event. Energetically. At the end, motions for WESLEY to move)
Friends, Romans, lend me your audio controllers, for I have some wonderful ideas for the upcoming season! Hey Wes, you should get this down.

JUNIOR
Sit down DARK PRINCE. We are not discussing a new marketing strategy.

DARK PRINCE
	(still waiting for WESLEY to move, though his super soaker is aimed at JUNIOR)
Then why’d you call a strategy meeting?

WESLEY
Obviously. You wouldn’t come if you thought it was anything else. You’d just send me. Like always. 

	(DARK PRINCE nonchalantly redirects his water gun, and soaks WESLEY, who sputters with indignity. DARK PRINCE does not stop looking at JUNIOR, and pushes WESLEY’s seat away from the desk, moves another chair over, and sits down.)

DARK PRINCE
				(cheerfully)
So, what’s this all about?

MUMSY
I have asked you all to be here today because—

DARK PRINCE
You called this meeting? You have no authority!

JUNIOR
Mumsy is still a—

MUMSY
Darling, please address me as “Melody” when in the boardroom.

JUNIOR
Yes, Mom. Melody is still a major shareholder, and a Senior Partner.

DARK PRINCE
I’m aware of Meoldy’s status, Junior. I would like to remind you that she does not have the authority to call this kind of meeting. 

MUMSY
And what kind would that be? A meeting with the CEO, the Vice, and a division manager? There’s nothing in the bylaws against it. 

	(DARK PRINCE is silently fuming. MUMSY smiles and turns to WESLEY)

You may begin.

WESLEY
I have been asked to develop a new paradigm---

JUNIOR
Help develop.

WESLEY
Help develop a new paradigm which better illustrates the eternal struggle between Good and Evil.

(DARK PRINCE stares at WESLEY a moment, glances at JUNIOR, and addresses MUMSY)

DARK PRINCE
				(Drawling, the end is an attack at JUNIOR and WESLEY)
Did he talk you into this? Motherly doting is forgivable, even if it involves stupid ideas with over blown language.

JUNIOR
				(Furiously)
Things have to change around here. You’ve seen our sales reports. 

DARK PRINCE
Indeed. My half of the product is fantastic. Yours needs some new life. Is that what’s going on? You want Wes transferred to your team? Fine. He’s yours. But I get Gabby.

WESLEY
Don’t be dense now, oh master marketer. I’m not switching departments, I’m switching titles. 

(at DARK PRINCE’s blank look, MUMSY moves as if to speak, but is cut short by JUNIOR)

JUNIOR
				(gruffly. This isn’t how he wanted it to go)
Right. You’re –

WESLEY
You’re obsolete. 

DARK PRINCE
				(smirks, calmly looking MUMSY in the eye.)
Impossible. As long as humanity exists, I will never obsolesce. 

JUNIOR
You’re offering a product which our audience doesn’t want.

WESLEY
To be more precise, one which they want too much. 

DARK PRINCE
				(still smiling)
It’s not my fault that the placebo is more attractive than the real thing. If anything, I’d say it’s the competition which has gotten…weaker.
(turns his unsettling smile to JUNIOR, who meets it with a scowl)

JUNIOR
You have nothing left to offer this company. As a representative of the senior partners and executive vice president, I must ask that you resign.

DARK PRINCE
				(to MUMSY again)
You know as well as I that this company cannot exist without me. Every time a child screams out in agony, a woman whimpers in the dark enjoyment of her debauchery, she owes it to me and to this company.

WESLEY
That’s where I come in, boss. I am to replace you.

DARK PRINCE
You? You can’t replace me. You can’t replace a light bulb. You can no more fill my shoes than you can…my coffee. Speaking of which, would you mind?

WESLEY
Enjoy it while you can. I’m moving up!

DARK PRINCE
I’ve heard that before. I believe it was Icarus…

JUNIOR
				(has been working on this)
This company would like to fulfill its contract with you, even though you have not designed a product for us in quite some time. A woman whimpering you said? She owes it not to your product, but mine. A child crying in the darkness should but turn toward the light, toward the rightful choice that he has been denied.

DARK PRINCE
(still looking at his cup, glances at WESLEY.)
I see. Still not following orders.
 (exits, taking cup with him.)

Scene IV
(DARK PRINCE enters already angrily removing the more ‘ridiculous’ parts of his ‘business’ suit. He goes to wash his face, and when he turns around MUMSY is standing there with a towel. DARK PRINCE is not as surprised as expected, calmly takes a sip of coffee)

MUMSY
It’s time to let go, dearie.

DARK PRINCE
You’re the one hanging on. I bought this company fair and square. 

MUMSY
And yet you rejected the idea of simply dissolving it, or accepting the position of CEO.

DARK PRINCE
				(venomously)
You wrote it into the sale agreement!

MUMSY
					(smug)
Well, give him a chance anyway. You can’t possibly think I’m happy with what you’re brother is doing with my half of all this, but I am not telling him what to do anymore. 

DARK PRINCE
That would negate the New Testament, wouldn’t it? A god in withdrawn from men, never to return. Jesus, if it were only the same with mothers. 

MUMSY
Careful, he might hear you. 
(sternly)
I mean it though. Withdraw. Let Junior have a competitor he has a chance against. I won’t bother you again. You’ll get the usual severance package—

DARK PRINCE
I want you to promise.

MUMSY
What?

DARK PRINCE
I want you to promise that when all this goes awry, and believe me it will, you’ll have to start all over again. When those bumbleheads ruin everything we worked for, you’ll leave me alone. You won’t let Junior or Wesley interrupt my retirement.

MUMSY
That’s all?

DARK PRINCE
Of course not! I want my severance package, my back pay, a sailboat, an unlisted cell phone with free nights and weekends and world wide coverage, and Gabby.

	(MUMSY raises an eyebrow, and nodds)

DARK PRINCE
				(was waiting for her reaction)
And a pony?
	
	(MUMSY smiles)

Scene V: DARK PRINCE’s office
	(DARK PRINCE is apparently packing. GABBY walks in and stands in the doorway watches him before speaking)
GABBY
So you really are quitting.

DARK PRINCE
I’m being forced into an early retirement.

GABBY
Early? You’ve been working here for over 2,000 years!

DARK PRINCE
It’s a relative term. That looks like everything.

(the room is still trashed, posters still on the wall, computer still set up [showing an unfinished game of minesweeper]. DARK PRINCE has only been moving the trash around, making it messier. This has uncovered the “Sales Exec of The Year” awards closest to his computer.)
	
	(GABBY  looks around, confused, as DARK PRINCE brushes past her. Less than a second after he has exited, he returns)

DARK PRINCE
I nearly forgot to tell you. You’ve also been forced into early retirement. 

GABBY
WHAT? After giving that creep manager of yours a promotion? They can’t do that! Just wait until my brother hears about that! Why I’ve never! I’ll—

DARK PRINCE
You’ll come with me of course. I’m thinking of starting a chain lightbulb stores.

	(DARK PRINCE takes GABBY’s wrist and leads her off the set. When the office door slams shut, a poster falls down, showing an ancient “Highest Tempter of the Decade” award made out to “Lucifer, the Dark Prince”)
End