Practical Guidance on Recognizing and Handling Abuse

There is (or was) an excellent site based in the UK, called "Bully Online". It was a labor of love by a British man (not a believer) named Tim Field, a recognized expert on bullying in the workplace, who later died of cancer.  I was upset to find that all the links to the original site ("bullyonline.org") have been hijacked and are worthless. But after some searching, I discovered a mirror-copy of the site by a UK archiving service.  So you can still benefit from it: go to http://www.webarchive.org.uk/pan/12664/20071012/www.bullyonline.org/index.html.

Among the many perceptive things Tim wrote was a "profile of a serial bully".  What a revelation when I first read it, and recognized the Tsavuah of my experience described to a 'T'.  I half expected to see his photo into the bargain! 

If you have been abused by an individual who fits the following description...

"Constant criticism, nit-picking, no empathy, control freak, denial, charm, glib, compulsive liar, devious, manipulative"... 

and you know that you were not the first (or the last) to be trampled by this individual, check out the "profile" and see if you have the same experience as I did:

http://www.webarchive.org.uk/pan/12664/20071012/www.bullyonline.org/workbully...

For me, it was a huge relief to discover that my inability put a stop to the abuse was not unique. OTOH, it was a huge shock to find that the bizarre behavior I had tangled with was not unique either, but was reproduced in THOUSANDS of bullies in the UK alone. To think that the trail of wreckage that I had witnessed, so destructive and yet so well hidden from public view, had its counterpart in so many other places - I was stunned.

Not to mention my distress to find this nonbeliever in the UK talk about the prevalence of bullies in the "church world" and charitable organizations (in our parlance, congregational leadership and ministries). The key comment from that essay (emphasis is mine):

"In general, the caring professions are over-represented by people who are suffering or have suffered their own pain; such people have greater empathy and can gain relief from their pain by helping others. However, the serial bully is attracted to this role not only for these reasons, but for the opportunities to abuse power over vulnerable clients (control and subjugation) as well as the opportunity to show publicly how caring they are (attention-seeking). This narcissistic urge is common to many serial bullies who are oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be perceived (as wonderful, kind, caring individuals) and how they are perceived (as aggressive, immature, inadequate and incompetent)." ("Bullying in the charity sector, voluntary sector

and non-profit sectors")

Other valuable pages in this site:

An answer to the question, Why me?

Events that trigger bullying

The answer to Why don't you stand up for yourself?

Why have my colleagues deserted me?



That last one is especially painful for believers, because the Body of Messiah is scripturally mandated to use ostracism for disciplining the one who causes or allows abuse - not for punishing the one who exposes abuse!  Yet I have been collecting personal testimony for years, from people who were denounced and marginalized by Messianic or Christian leaders for the 'sin' of speaking up.  Truly we have some soul-searching to do.

Anyway, readers who have comments on the excellent "Bully Online" site are invited to log in.

Blessings,

Hannah