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Entry for February 5, 2008

Giving Expression to the Pain of Abuse - Especially When There Was No Resolution

There are a lot of ways to privately process the experience of abuse, betrayal and lack of closure. Sure, we leave it with the Lord, even if the abuser never repents.  But the healing process must still be gone through. And healing can be a painful experience in itself.

Remember how it felt as a kid to fall and get a bloody knee? The fall hurts, but so does the scab that forms over the wound, when it starts shrinking...pulling...sensitive to friction...breaking open and weeping if you bend your knee too far.

Remember how it felt if that scrape got infected and didn't heal properly? Hot, red, swollen, agony with even a casual touch... It took much longer to go away. And usually it left a scar.

The Lord built our bodies, like all of creation, to teach us about spiritual realities.

What are the two things that cause a wound to get infected? Germs (the wound was not cleansed properly), and damp (it was not given enough air circulation to dry and form a scab).

The lesson for the abused: Do not ignore your wounds and declare them "healed" by virtue of your decision to "just move on". If you do, you run the risk of infection and a VERY long recovery (if ever). Get them cleansed by the Lord -- and then give them "air".

What do I mean by giving the wounds "air"?  Well, it's not to parade your Owwie before others to get sympathy - only very young children can get away with that. It means to not seal them up in an air-tight "I'm fine, no harm done" bandage, or hide them beneath smothering layers of "praise the lord" clothing.

It means to give your pain expression -- talk it out somewhere safe, and leave something tangible to mark the spot.

Find people who will listen to your pain without passing judgment, and create something symbolic to mark the occasion... in writing, art, or momento.   Failing that, find an open field to pour your heart out to the Lord, and build a private monument to seal the experience (as the patriarch Jacob often did).

One brother's solution was to write a poem about his abusive experience, which he has published on a website (a modern, electronic "open field" of sorts). Even now, more than 20 years after the injury, he says he still finds comfort in reading it.

I've secured his permission to reprint it here:*

Pandora's Box July 26, 1986

This is a poem that frustration wrought.

I thought what I did was what I had ought.

But when I did so, much trouble was brought.

So now my mind bends to straighten the knot,

That quickens and thickens this formidable plot.

It's a Pandora's box of intentions so good.

But why then should, such intentions so good,

Give life so much strife?

If only they could, I wish that they would,

Remove all the pain that I have withstood.

But when all my thoughts are exhausted at length.

And striving has wasted the last of my strength.

I turn back to Jesus to hear His command,

"Be silent my son, for peace is at hand."

And peace came into what frustration had wrought.

And brought out the answer I painfully sought.

So now I'm at peace, though exhausted of thought.

At last what I sought, only Jesus had taught.

The process I am recommending is similar to one way counselors offer the bereaved to handle the grieving process. After all, being wounded without closure - especially by a "brother" or "sister" - is a loss too... loss of relationship, of trust, of the sense of family.

"For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, then I could bear it;

Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, then I could hide myself from him;

But it is you, a man my equal - my companion and my familiar friend!

We who had sweet fellowship together,

Walked in the house of God in the throng!" [Ps.55:12-13]

It's not only "okay" to mourn for that loss. It's necessary for the healing process.

blessings, Hannah

*"The Messianic Poetry of Marshall Beeber©" is the sole property of Marshall Beeber and none of the contents may be sold or copied without the expressed permission of Marshall Beeber. For permission contact Marshall at [email protected] . His poetry may be found at http://www.messianic-literary.com/beeber-p1.htm . "

2008-02-05 22:38:56 GMT

Comments (2 total)

Author:Anonymous

As a Messianic Jew since 1973 I have experienced both good and bad within the Messianic Jewish movement. Some abuse came from the leadership. In this comment, I have considered the reason why a particular incident did occur. It appears that some spiritual leaders see their decisions as immutable. They are certain that the Spirit has directed them and any challenge to their authority is regarded as heresy. I experienced such a situation as a young believer when a Messianic rabbi was condemning other believers of sexual sins that they did not commit. I expressed my doubts over the legitimacy of this leaders decision and complained of his harshness. I was forced from this congregation and banned from ever attending again. That rabbi has since passed away, but the congregation still has me on their black list.

Now, almost 30 years later, I pray for a closure and a clearing of my name. I realize though that such a clearing would indeed cast doubt upon this leader who has now been "canonized" in Messianic Jewish lore. I have learned to accept my decision as the path which the Lord has chosen for me. Without this experience I may not have grown spiritually by learning to depend upon the Grace of Yeshua in the way that I do today. God has had his way in my life. I have no regrets. I wish only healing for those who may have also been abused in a similar fashion and healing for those leaders that chose not to heed the Spirits prompting.

Some time later I published a poem that reflected my calling to truth. (see below):

The Lover of Truth

Dec. 12, 1999

The lover of truth is not among the compromising crowd.

Confronting the lies of blinded eyes when truth is disallowed.

The lover of truth scorns profit from self promoting pride.

Excepting less in preference to seeking out a bribe.

The lover of truth is patient,

trusting in the Lord.

Knowing well that time will tell from wisdom and discord.

The lover of truth takes solace when enemies pursue.

Expressing love instead of hate.

Promoting peace anew.

You too can be a lover,

if truth will be your goal.

For you will find eternal life,

and healing for your soul.

In Yeshua's grace,

Marshall Beeber

--Marshall Beeber
<http://www.messianic-literary.com , email: [email protected]>

2008-02-08 02:25:29 GMT

Author:Anonymous

Thanks, Marshall, for sharing that.

The atmosphere in which a leader in the Lord's Body can never be wrong - even when it becomes clear that he's not right - is something I've seen... I will bet many others have seen it too.

I believe this attitude is the single biggest cause of Family abuse (believers against their brethren). For abusive leaders, The Image of rightness is what drives them -- anything, or anyone, that threatens to tarnish The Image must be removed, or intimidated into silence.

Sometimes it's not only the fault of the imperious leader who expects his word to be accepted "ex cathedra" (or in Jewish terms, "as Torah from Sinai"). Sometimes it's also the fault of his congregation or ministry colleagues, who irrationally expect that, just because the man teaches the Word of God and/or has some spiritual gifts, he will never be wrong.

While this kind of loyalty has the appearance of supporting a leader or protecting him, it in fact strips him of the freedom to be human like the rest of us... and grow from his mistakes. The supporters of a leader who "can do no wrong" have made him a prisoner of that image. They will not ALLOW him to be wrong.

Why do believers (the leader and followers alike) fall into this trap? Because this leader is ministering for GOD. He is filled with the Spirit of GOD. We know GOD is never wrong, so His anointed mouthpiece will never be wrong. If - heaven forbid - he is ever found to have messed up, misunderstood, or given in to a fleshly impulse... it would bring into question his anointing. After all, GOD never messes up, misunderstands, or has fleshly impulses. He never gets sick either, or tired, or discouraged...

Because of the unscriptural equivalence ("when our leadership is challenged, God's very own reputation is on the line"), the leader and followers will sometimes make an unspoken and unscriptural covenant: Do whatever it takes to silence all criticism. Hide all weakness. Admit no mistakes.

This can be extended all the way up to include the entire Messianic movement, and the way we relate to "the world". Do what it takes... Keep up The Image. Any admission of problems among us is a stain on Yeshua's own name.

Isn't that why we meet the very idea of abuse among us with denial and silence? Isn't that why those who point to a problem BECOME "the problem"?

Take note --

This blind, deaf and dumb loyalty to leaders - and the denial of anything wrong in the community - is exactly what afflicts our Jewish brethren who do not accept Yeshua as Messiah! "Our sages cannot be wrong, so you cannot be right." Anyone who questions the authority of the rabbinic establishment is summarily ousted. Abuses among the orthodox leadership are routinely ignored by the faithful, because these are respected Torah scholars... men who know and teach the Word of God.

Before we can critique our unbelieving brethren and help them out of their blindness, we followers of Messiah need to remove a "beam" or two from our own communal eye.

Before the Lord comes to judge and cleanse the nation of Israel, will He not do the same with His own household first? "But if we judged ourselves rightly, we should not be judged..." (I Cor.11:31)

--Hannah

2008-02-09 19:09:52 GMT

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