Universal Jokes
1. Hired to worry!
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous Bill who
ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," Bill said. "But mainly, I'm looking
for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," Bill said. "But I don't want to have to worry
about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small
business afford a sum like that?"
"That," Bill said, "is your first worry."
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2. Lip Prints!
Christian middle school for girls was faced with a unique
problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several
of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him
to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched.
The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and
proceeded to scrub the mirror.
From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely
eliminated.
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3. Getting Better!
A little girl was sitting next to her grandfather as he
read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the
book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. She touched her own cheek after
she touched his.
After a little while of thinking she asked, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
He looked at her and said, "Yes, sweetheart God made me a long time ago."
She paused for a few seconds and then asked, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
He replied, "Yes, indeed pumpkin, God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she whispered to him, "God's getting
better at it, isn't he?"
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4. Special Offer!
Sam goes into the dentist's office to get a bad tooth
pulled. As he opens his mouth and the dentist is about to drill, he asks how
long the procedure will take.
"You'll be out of here before you know it, and won't feel a thing - the local
will last 10 minutes."
"And how much is this costing?" Sam asks.
"Rs 500" the dentist states plainly.
"Geesh," Sam grumbled, "it's a crime to be able to hold a man captive for five
minutes and charge him Rs 500!"
"Then for you, I'll give you a special!" the dentist said, and Sam's face looked
pleasantly relieved.
"I'll take 15 minutes to do the extraction."
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5. Perfect Shot!
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity,
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction
and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the
damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to
make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her
from here."
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6. Too Accurate!
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are
marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, five years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age
so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I
started working here, and that was five and a half years ago."
......................................... (More to come soon)..........................................................