Adult Jokes

1.  Nap Hour!

A new primary school teacher starts her first day of class. She begins by asking students to stand and introduce themselves.
The first child stands and says, "My name is Mary Johnson."
"Thank you, Mary", says the teacher.
The second student says, "My name is Sam Smith."
"Thank you, Sam."
The third student says, "My name is Johnny Fuckhour."
The teacher is horrified, and tells Johnny that this type of language will not be allowed.
He replies, "Honest, my name is Johnny Fuckhour. If you don't believe me, check up in the fifth grade where my brother is."
So the teacher walks up to the fifth grade class, and asks, "Do you have a Fuckhour in here?"
One boy stands in the back of the room and says, "Hell, no! We don't even get a nap hour in here!"

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2. Fire Alarm!

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her Rs 1000 up front, and he gets undressed.
She's about to take off her sheer pink negligee, when the fire alarms rings!
She runs out of the room, with his Rs 1000 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her.
He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.
By this time, the firemen are there.
He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful girl, in a sheer pink negligee, with 1000 rupees in her hand?"
The fireman says, "No!"
The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."

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3. Two Angels!

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

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4. Size Matters!

A young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she is engaged to be married.
She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem....he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that"
The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy".
The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."
The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.
They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.
Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.
"Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it's as big as a silver dollar!"
The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 99 cents?"

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6. Body Heat!

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
So he did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

 

7. Taste Buds!

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."