| yet another ramdom page about things, i was actually thinking that i wanted to start one of those online diary things, cause you know, it wouldnt have to be so structured and i could get away with writing random things...but then i was thinking that everyone who writes has one of them, and i dont want to be like everyone else because im not..... today....hmmm...some stuff went on....yeah, i had health today, what was boring like usual, we got these wierd color changing dot things, i guess there kinda the modern mood rings, but instead of mood they tell you your stress level. this is kinda like one of those astrology things, there pretty cool, but you know they dont really work. and my health teacher, truely believes that they work.. she was going on about how the capilaries on our bodies expand and contract according to our moods and stress levels and stuff....that might and prolly is right, but i still dont believe in these things...i dono, its been green for a while, thats like average, i think the real title was "involved" thats .....wonderful... whatelse..i got a job, at the regal , thats kool i guess....its a job....i get paid, being as that is how jobs work. im working concessions i hate it. people as me for things to eat, and i either make it and bring it to them, or just bring it to them, it sucks. and theres the cashregister, which im also doing...its all abreviated so that complicates things. and not only that but theres all of these different kinda gift certificates and stuff...and for everyone you have to do something different....and its not easy to remember...like some you give them cash, and some you dont, and then some they only have to pay for some of it...i dono its confusing, im managing to get throught it i guess....i was part of the people who sweeps the floors, i liked that better, cause people left me the hell alone and i didnt have to deal with customers who cant make up their mind...the cool thing is i get some of the posters that they hang up when their done with them.....but i have to ask, and im new...so i kinda wanna let everything calm down a little before i try to get stuff......i hate it, but i hate alot of things and have to do them anyway, so why should this be different..... another though i remember now...i was just talking to ....someone, and i was telling them that i was having trouble sleeping again, and before it was just because i was thinking about so much stuff i couldnt sleep...and now i dono what the deal is....im not really thinking about anything, just kinda laying there, alone, bored, tired, and not able to sleep...and its pretty sweet, sorry off topic, i got these cool glow in the dark stars for my ceiling. i was never really a big fan of them, and i always loved the stars...so i thought i would try them...and last night i was having trouble sleeping, and i looked up at my ceiling and saw the stars....and it was pretty rockin, cause i havnt been stargazing in a really really long time...since summer...it sucks i miss them....so its kinda a soothing thing, a watched them for a while, then fell asleep...which is real cool i feel like writing so much and i dont have anything that i really want to write about.... lonelyness.....i walked out of work the other night at like.....7 and there was noone there because it was ugly and snowing and stuff....so i was standing there, and it was totally empty....and i was thinking that maybe my problem is that im lonely....well the whole problem thing...kinda pain to talk about but i yeah, i dono i just havnt really been talking lately...to anyone....cept dave....but like, i dono i just dont really find talking to appealing anymore....so ive limited my conversations (if i have to have one) to yes/no and fine.....thats all ive been saying...unless i like the person im talking to alot....i dono, so i hadnt heard my voice in a while....but yeah so i got in trouble by my parents because i wasnt talking...they grounded me....but i dont care....its not really grounding they just called me an asshole....which is a first..but i guess if you think about it i prolly am. i dont care. so anyway, back to the parking lot, so i walked out of work and was waiting for my ride. and i was looking around and it was totally lifeless., and you couldnt see the streets because of the snow so i was standing there alone...and i was thinking how lonely ive been lately. maybe thats whats been not letting me sleep... i dono, its kinda wierd everytime i think about the word lonelyness this quote from chris seestedts page comes to my head ( i dont really know what it is about this kid that appeals to me, but he just still strikes me as cool) anyway the quote is something like "is there ever a time when we arnt truely lonely, even when we are surrounded by loved ones" thats pretty damn close, and i was thinking about that...and hes right...im sure im surrounded by people that love me, my parents, friends....and other people but i still feel empty....im pretty sure i know what it is thats making me feel so alone and lonely....but i need it, atleast for now, lonelyness is the first step i guess......i dono, i miss...things..... but anyway...ive been wanting hugs and to hold people in my arms for the last few weeks, and i havnt been able to....its either i just cant, or i try and it just doenst feel right...i hate myself....i dono....im bored another thing about health. lately weve been studying mental prolems and stuff like depression. its really wierd...because i can relate to everything....and im not trying to be cool by saying that but i dono....there trying to make us understand depression better, and so far im not understanding it...there hasnt really been anything taught....its just like like here are the signs......so thats kinda upsetting...i thought i would finally learn something and be able to help myself...but its just like school to leave out the important stuff see now that ive got going im overflowing with ideas..so back to seestedt for a second, ive been reading his page and its pretty intresting....between random boreom entries that just take words and mix/intertwine them and comout with random statements....to feelings about things, and just stuff, and his writing is getting better , atleast i think so....whatever, so anyway i was reading his page today, and he had to write a paper for this class about soemthing that changed his life, and he put what he wrote on his page and it was about sledding and theres a whole story that im not going to discribe for you and its pretty amazing how things as little as sledding with your friends can make such a lasting impression on you. i was reading the story and i pretty much knew where everything was that he was talking about and all of the people...and i could just picture everything that happened and it was i dono...i feel like writing down stuff that happens to me because they would make me happy and remind me....i might i dono, but yeah, life, its a neverending story... |
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