another one of those black and grey moods......i dono the colors work, i hate background pictures....whatever
half an hour and half a stick of incene later i realized that not only do the stars shine less brightly in america but also that the air conditioners humming and powerlines obscuring your view almost totally eliminate any form of relaxation. I went outside tonight around one to just chill and burn some incence and stargaze...since i havnt done that in a while....i think that the lightning bugs have a 12 o'clock cerfew or something because i know for a fact that they were still awake at 12 and while stargazing i maybe saw 3....rebels, i guess well always have that kinda stuff....
doing to much thinking as always when stargazing i realized once again how much change sucks... this time last summer i would be sitting out on the deck with rob with some incence burning talking and chillin and just .....being whatever....as opposed to now....where im alone and crestfallen. change....i found this quote that was like....change has serious effects on a persons mental sanity. it said something to the extent of "the people who fear change, fear change because they fear things will only get worse" that sums it up....ever since things started changing from last summer they've gotten worse.... lost my best friend for a start.....i actually saw rob today....didnt really seem happy to see me. i kinda expected that, nothing more than one of those manly head bow things. i kept walking assuming it was the right thing to do. I dono i dont like how things change. I was so comfortable i guess that things had to change just to keep me on my feet. Everything was exactly...well.....pretty much exactly how i would have wanted it. I had all of my friends, i had parties, fun, excitement, relaxation, inspiration, just things that i really miss. My friends have changed, not nessesarily the friends i have but just the people have changed. Most only slightly but the slightly is for the worse. I used to be really close with people and i can feel myself drifting away.....well ive already drifted away over a long school year. All of my friends are leaveing for college , cept for kristie...so atleast ill have someone to hangout with, i actually prefer her over anyone else to stay. Im sure once college starts for people ill be forgotten...i mean really a jr. in highschool stands no chance against new cooler people in college. People are breaking up. like relationships are ending that i really liked, and bands i really liked broke up and stuff.... i dont know.. i like being able to predict whats going to happen in the future so i can kinda get ready for it, but now with all of this change its like blindfolding me and spinning me around in circles and telling me to find north. well....its kinda like that. Change...i dont like being so afriad of it. i think its my worse fear. its worse than being alone, which used to be my worst fear. I realized that i've been alone and its not to unbearable, but being alone and being comfortable with everything is fine, with the change comes new territories which im not ready for. Im alway up for a good adventure but i like small steps...change is to much for me. some people look foreward to the future....i dispise it. "just wanna stay 18 forever so we can stay like this forever" to quote brand new.... if only i were 18...but anyway you get the point.
i find it bad that the only things i have to look foreward to are memories...that wont be relived. It seems that with this ongoing downward spiral that my memories seem better and better. I miss laying in the grass with people like katie fisher and talking, i miss partying, i miss going do diners, i miss so many things and they will never be the same, the place might, and the company im with might, but nothing will ever be the same. it sucks, i have nothing to look foreward to (in a very non-suicidal way that is) i dont like change......as you noticed.....
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