First of all, let me thank you for choosing BarfAir. WE hope you have an unpleasant flight and that you are not impressed with our service. We strive to achieve excellence in this department, and that is just part of what we do. Given recent events, you may be worried about security, and you should be. We are proud to say that BarfAir passengers are not screened. We are also proud to say that every single person on the FBI's Terrorist Watch Listis given preferred seating on our flights. Please examine our website and let us knoew if there are any ways we can make it worse. None of our pilots are certified, and all of them have experienced several wrecks. Now, on behalf of your crash crew and myself, please sit forward and hate the flight!
Thank you
Gonfunko Funky Funk, CEO
Mutant living food substance that may once have been part of a pig, eggs with shells, warm cream cheese yogurt, and a liquid that probably came from fruit.
Sand which containing lettuce, ketchup mayo and mustard mixed together, moldy fruit, and a large hissing cockroach.
Overcooked chicken from the Ice Age in a beatlejuice sauce with a stone-cold roll and Brussels sprouts.
We understand that you may want entertainment during your journey with us, so we prvide it free of charge. It is free of charge because the movies we show were amongst the greatest flops ever. Gigli, and Escape From The Black Lagoon. There is a radio installed in your seat, which plays Funeral Marches, Opera, Songs Heard in Elevators, Songs Heard in Ads, Songs Heard While You're On Hold, and Game Show Themes.
"Welcome aboard BarfAir. As you take your seats, please direct your attention to the television screens in front of you. This aircraft is equipped with numerous safety devices for your protection. Please fasten your seatbelt for the entire flight. Of course, when a real emergency arises, such as the plane crashing, this will not save your life. Under no circumstances may you remove it, including using the restroom. Please use your pants. If there is a major change in cabin pressure, you should scream and cover your ears. Yellow masks will pop out of the ceiling. Pull firmly on them to activate them.They will provide nitrous oxide to put you to sleep, because a change in cabin pressure usually means the plane is crashing. At your request, a flight unattendant will place them on screaming babies to shut them up. If the plane is crashing, assume the emergency brace position, which consists of kneeling and praying. For takeoff and landing, put your seatback forward and rest your head on your tray table. If a window should blow out at 35,000 feet, you should hold on to your seat to avoid being sucked out. (Flight unattendant demonstrates with a Barbie doll and a vacuum cleaner.) In the event of a crash at sea, there are death jackets that are very small under your seat. They have a light, whistle, and chum for attracting the attention of sharks. There are several emergency exits on this aircraft which are not clearly marked, so we don't know where they are. Maybe the manufacture was just pulling our leg. We don't know. Thank you for choosing BarfAir. Please sit forward and hate the flight. We may be here to serve you, or then again, maybe not."
BarfAir has a new Emergency Briefing Card Icon with flair (Or should that be fire?) It was introduced after complaints that the old icon seemed to illustrate the plane landing instead of crashing. Our President says he "feels the old icon just wasn't good enough." BarfAir has now become the first airline to use accurate icons- another first in our long history. We plan to gradually phase out the other old icons.
