The Disneyfied Version of Les Miz
Cast of Characters
Jean Valjean – a handsome middle-aged man who was wrongly put in jail
Fantine – a beautiful young woman whose husband died
Javert – an obsessive policeman
Maris – a very handsome young man who is just kinda there
Eponine – a very pretty young peasant who is in love with Enjolras (because love triangles are not kid-safe)
Azelma – her cat
Gavroche – her cute little brother
Cosette – Fantine’s gorgeous daughter who is adopted by Jean and then falls in love with Marius
Enjolras – the handsome young leader of the revolution
M. Thenardier – the caring father of Eponine
Mme. Thenardier – his loving wife
Dr. Bobette – Javert’s therapist
R, Joly, Combeferre, Courfeyrac, Laigle, Jean Pouvaire, Feuilly, and any others that I’ve forgotten
random desk sergeants, the Foreman, and other people
Announcer: DisneyMiz! In just three minutes, we present the epic struggle of Jean Jean to escape the policeman Javert! But now, a word from our sponsors:
Enjolras dying, tangled in his flag.
Enjolras: I need aspirin!
Dr. Bobette rushes up and hands him aspirin. He takes a few
then bounds to his feet.
Enjolras: Wow! Aspirin cures even the toughest pains!
Announcer: Yes, this program is sponsored by Aspirin. And now, our feature presentation!
scene i
A very clean prison
camp on
Javert: Are you the prisoner Jean Valjean?
Calling people by
numbers is not kid-safe.
Javert: Are you Jean Valjean?
Jean: Yes. But, M. Javert, I was wrongly put in prison, and have slaved here for the past three days when I have done nothing wrong.
Javert: You stole a loaf of bread!
Jean: No, I was framed!
Javert: Oh, ok. Well, you couldn’t be lying, so I’ll let you go.
He and Jean go off,
leaving the other convicts to pull candy-bars out of their pockets and sit
around and eat.
scene ii
Since this is a kid-safe movie, and people don’t lie in kid-safe
movies, Javert let Jean go. We see Jean packing his
bags with lots of nice warm clothing supplied by the prison because they felt
sorry for him. He is standing outside the building and it snowing. He pulls a
thick warm coat out of his bag and puts it around his shoulders. He then
realizes that he’s thirsty.
Jean: Oh dear. I’m suddenly terribly thirsty.
He goes back inside and asks the desk sergeant for some tea, since
coffee and/or hard liquor isn’t kid-safe. The man cheerfully gives him some,
but at that very moment, Javert walks into the room.
Jean doesn’t notice him, and accidentally spills some tea on his greatcoat.
Javert: What did you do that for!?
Jean: I’m terribly sorry. It was an accident. I didn’t mean to.
Javert: You’ll never get away with that!
We see Jean hurriedly put the tea cup back on the sergeant’s desk
because he wouldn’t want to not return it because not returning things isn’t
kid-safe. He runs out into the snow and we see him hail a coach. Javert runs out after him and hails another coach. There is
no high-speed coach-chase through the streets of
scene iii
The words ‘
Jean: Please, M. Bishop, may I have lodging for the night?
Bishop: Of course, my friend! Come in and dine with me!
The Bishop leads him
to a table filled with food, and the two tuck in. When they have finished the
meal, Jean turns to the Bishop.
Jean: Thank you so much, M. Bishop.
Bishop: Oh, any time, my friend. You must spend the night here; I have a guest room upstairs.
Jean: Thank you.
The two go upstairs.
scene iv
It is morning, and Jean and the Bishop have just finished a large
breakfast of eggs and bacon.
Jean: Thanks so much for everything, but I must be on my way now.
Bishop: But you have no money!
Jean: I’ll manage.
Bishop: I insist, you must take these two silver candlesticks. They will get you all the money you need to buy a house and get a job.
Jean: Thank you!
He takes the candlesticks, waves goodbye to the Bishop, the two
exchange phone-numbers so they can get together for dinner sometime, and Jean
goes away.
scene v
The words ‘
Foreman: What’s the matter?
Marguerite: Fantine stole my Doritos!
Fantine: Well Marguerite stole my shoelaces first!
Stealing isn’t
kid-safe, but they needed to get into an argument, and Doritos and shoelaces
are unimportant enough that it’s ok.
Foreman: Enough! I’m sorry to do this, but I’m just going to have to fire you both!
He really is sorry,
because mean foremen aren’t kid-safe. Fantine and
Marguerite leave.
Marguerite: Oh no, what are we going to do now?
Fantine: This only goes to show that you must learn to forgive, Marguerite.
Marguerite: I’m so sorry for stealing your shoelaces, Fantine!
Fantine: I’m so sorry for stealing your Doritos, Marguerite!
They hug.
Marguerite: Where are going to get jobs now?
Fantine: I don’t know… I just hope we won’t have to… you know…
They stare at each
other in horror.
Marguerite (in a fearful whisper): No… I couldn’t… I could never be…
Fantine (in an equally fearful whisper): …a vacuum cleaner telemarketer…
Whores aren’t
kid-safe.
scene vi
The Foreman comes into
Jean’s office. Jean is now dressed very wealthily, and is really happy and
really nice.
Foreman: I thought you should know, M. Jean. Marguerite and Fantine were arguing again, so I fired them.
Jean: No! You shouldn’t have done that! Now where will they work! They will end up waitressing in some low-life tavern, or even worse… telemarketing vacuum cleaners!
Foreman: Oh no! What have I done!?
He begins to cry into
Jean’s shoulder.
Jean: It’s alright, I forgive you.
This is a kid-safe
movie. Everyone must learn to forgive!
Jean: But we must find them! We must save them for that dreaded fate!
The phone rings. The
Foreman slowly moves to pick it up.
Fantine’s voice on the other end of the line: Hello, my name is Fantine, and I was wondering if you’d like to buy a vacuum cleaner?
The Foreman screams
and drops the phone, then breaks down into tears again. Jean picks the phone
up.
Jean: Hello, Fantine? This is Jean Valjean. I run the factory where you were recently employed. I am truly sorry that my Foreman fired you, and I would like you to come back and work for me.
Fantine’s voice: Oh, that’s very kind, M. Jean, but the money in telemarketing is better.
Jean (horrified): You would degrade yourself so for a few extra dollars!?
Little kids wouldn’t
know what francs are.
Fantine’s voice: Well, it’s just that my husband recently fell out of a tree and died, and my poor daughter Cosette needs money. My brother, M. Thénardier has been taking care of her, but he already has a son and a daughter and needs all the money he can get to care for poor Cosette.
Fantine’s husband died because it wouldn’t have been
kid-safe for him to leave her. And they were married because unmarried mothers aren’t kid-safe. Also, it’s more
kid-safe and fluffy for Mr. Thénardier to be Fantine’s brother than some random guy that she burdened
with Cosette. And Cosette’s
name is really Cosette because Euphrasie
isn’t a kid-safe name.
Jean: Oh, Fantine, I didn’t know! Don’t worry, you won’t have to telemarket anymore! Your courage and fortitude have endeared you to me. Would you marry me?
Fantine’s voice: *gasp* Oh yes, Jean!
Foreman (miserably): I’m sorry, Fantine.
Fantine’s voice: That’s alright, M. Foreman. I forgive you.
Foreman: Oh, thank you, Fantine!
Fantine’s voice: Jean, I’m at my apartment right now. Want to come and pick me up?
Jean: Sure.
He hangs up the phone
and he and the Foreman exit.
scene vii
Fantine and Jean are standing in front of the
Bishop of Digne in a rather large old church, saying
their wedding vows.
Bishop: Do you, Jean Valjean, take Fantine Tholomyes to be your lawfully wedded wife?
If Fantine
had married Tholomyes, she would have been Fantine Tholomyes. This movie is
kid-safe, so she had to have married Tholomyes.
Jean: I do.
Bishop: Do you, Fantine Tholomyes, take Jean Valjean to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Fantine: I do.
Bishop: Then I pronounce you man and wife. The ring please.
The Foreman, who
happens to be Best Man, steps forward and holds out a ring, which Valjean puts on Fantine’s finger.
They smile and run out of the church, and the Foreman follows. Jean and Fantine stare happily at each other, and then climb into a
carriage with a flyer saying ‘Just Married’ slung across the back. The scene
fades to black.
scene viii
The
words ‘Montreuil-sur-mer, France, 1823’ flash across
the screen in that same gold lettering. We see a somewhat dilapidated, but
cozy, inn. The camera pans around the outside and fades to a scene of a man, a
woman, a little boy, and two small girls, all dressed in very comfortable and
warm peasant-garb sitting around the fire. It would not be kid-safe for them to
be cold. It is the Thénardier family, which consists
of Gavroche, Eponine, M. T
and Mme. T – and temporarily Cosette - are sitting
around a roaring fire in the Thénardiers’ living
room. Gavroche is asleep on Mme’s lap, and Eponine and Cosette are playing
with Azelma the Wonder-kitty on the floor. M. T is
telling a story and not smoking his pipe because smoking is not kid-safe.
M. T: …and they all lived happily-ever-after.
Cosette: Oh, that’s so sweet.
Eponine: *nonsensical muttering to the cat*
Mme T.: Would you kids mind going to get some water from the well?
Cosette: Sure!
Eponine: No problem!
It wouldn’t be
kid-safe for Mme. T to be mean, and it wouldn’t be kid-safe for Cosette to go out to get water by herself. Eponine and Cosette are best
friends because it wouldn’t be kid-safe for them to hate each other. So, Eponine and Cosette run outside.
Behind them, Azelma yawns and falls asleep. Eponine and Cosette each get a
big bucket of water and are in the process of lugging them back to the house
when Jean and Fantine appear. Eponine
accidentally gets water all over Jean.
Eponine: Sorry, monsieur!
Jean: That’s quite alright. I forgive you.
She notices Fantine.
Eponine: Aunt Fantine!
Cosette: Mom!
Fantine hugs the girls, and the four go back to the
house. She knocks nice and gently on the door of the inn. M. T opens the door.
M. T: Fantine! Dear sister!
Fantine: Hello, Etienne!
M. T: Come in, come in!
The girls rush in with
their water and Cosette picks up Azelma.
Jean: Hello, monsieur. My name is Jean Valjean, and I have recently married Fantine.
M. T: Congratulations! Welcome, brother!
They all go inside. M.
T goes into the kitchen.
Fantine: This is my husband, Jean Valjean.
Jean: Hello, madam. Nice to meet you.
Mme. T.: Oh, it’s very nice to meet you, monsieur. I suppose you’re here about Cosette?
Fantine: Yes.
M. T comes back in
with glasses of warm milk for everybody, because brandy is not kid-safe.
Fantine: Thank you!
M. T: Oh, you’re welcome, Fantine!
Jean: Fantine and I have bought the most luxurious mansion in Paris and want to go live there with her.
Mme. T: It’s only right that she be with her real parents.
The Foreman struggles
in, loaded with packages.
Foreman: Here we are! Presents for everybody!
Jean: Oh, I nearly forgot! We stopped in Versailles on the way here and bought something for everybody!
Foreman: Hi. I’m his Foreman.
M. and Mme. T murmur
hellos.
Cosette: Yay! Presents!
Eponine shakes Gavroche
awake.
Eponine: Wake up, Gavroche! Aunt Fantine brought us all presents!
Gavroche slowly wakes up, then joins in
whole-heartedly as everybody unwraps their presents. M. T gets a cup from
Disneyland, Eponine gets candy, Cosette
gets a new dress – a really gaudy dress with lots of lace – Gavroche
gets Mickey Mouse ears, and Mme. T gets a vacuum cleaner. There is chorus of
‘thank you’s.
M. T: You must stay with us tonight.
Fantine: Thank you, brother.
The next morning, we see the sun shining and the Valjeans
standing on the doorstep while the Thenardiers are
just inside the door.
Jean: Goodbye, it was so nice meeting you all.
Mme. T: Yes, it was. You must stop by some time for dinner.
Fanitine: Yes, we’ll do that. Goodbye, brother.
M. T: Goodbye, sister.
Cosette: Goodbye, Eponine, I’ll miss you.
Eponine: I’ll miss you too, Cosette. So will Azelma.
Azelma: Meow.
Cosette: Goodbye, Azelma.
The Valjeans go off in a nice carriage with a
pretty white horse.
scene ix
The words ‘Paris, France, 1832’ flash across the screen in the very
same gold letters. We fade in to see a very pretty park. Gavroche,
a cute little kid in comfy peasant-garb is sitting on a bench, swinging his
legs happily. Eponine and Montparnasse,
him in a top-hat and tails which are in to way dirty and not carrying any sort
of weapons because weapons are not kid-safe, and her in nice clothes that
aren’t ripped and without the hat – the hat isn’t kid-safe – are sitting on a
bench nearby, chatting. They are only friends because people who are not
married having affairs isn’t kid-safe. Azelma is
sitting on Montparnasse’s lap. The sun is shining and
the birds are singing. In strolls Enjolras, a very
handsome young man with a red-white-and-blue scarf around his neck carrying
schoolbooks. He is chatting with R, a friend of his, who is also carrying
schoolbooks. He is not sleeping with him because gay affairs aren’t kid-safe. R
is not drunk because drunkenness is not kid-safe. R’s name really is R and not Grantaire because R is more Disneyfied.
Enjorlas: R, we must do something about this evil government that is trying to control all our lives. We have to fight against this tyrant!
R: Yes, I agree, Enjolras. I think that we must definitely fight.
Eponine says goodbye to Montparnasse and stands up.
She doesn’t see Enjolras coming, nor he her. They are
walking, both lost in their own thoughts, when they smack into each other –
gently. They do not fall down because that would not be kid-safe. He does,
however, drop his books. She goes to pick them up at the same time he does, and
they bash their heads – gently. They shyly pick up the books and she hands the
ones she picked up to him. They stare at each other for a full minute before R
busts in.
R: So, Enjolras, we have to call a meeting of all the ABC Friends.
Small children wouldn’t understand French, so I have translated the
name of Enjy’s little organization.
Enjolras (not really there, half looking over his shoulder at Eponine): Mmm.
Eponine goes over to Gavroche.
Gavroche: Hi, Eponine! Isn’t just a beautiful day!
Eponine: Who was that guy, Gavvie?
Gavroche: Oh, him? He’s the leader of some revolution…
Eponine (dreamily): The leader of some revolution…
scene x
The camera pans around
the inside of the Café Musain. Various students are
doing various things at various tables. Combeferre is
writing furiously at one table. Feuilly and Courfeyrac are talking heatedly at another. Joly, Laigle, and Joly’s girlfriend Musichetta are
talking about medicine at another. Joly and Musichetta do not kiss because that would not be kid-safe.
At yet another table, Marius Pontmercy and Jean Prouvaire are talking about poetry.
Combeferre (to himself): If a tree in the forest falls on a mime and nobody’s around to hear, does anybody care? *gasp* I may have discovered the meaning of life!
He resumes writing
frantically.
Feuilly: We must think of more than just France, Courfeyrac! All Europe, all the world, needs are help! We must bring freedom to the whole world!
Courfeyrac: But… Feuilly… We should really try to think small at first. Once we have liberated France, we can move on.
Feuilly: No! Do we put Frenchmen above Polish and German and Czech and English and Spanish!? We must treat all as equals! The world is oppressed by tyranny and we must save it!
Joly: Are you sure my tongue doesn’t look funny?
Musichetta: No, Joly dear, don’t worry.
Laigle: So tell me again about your cure for the common cold.
Joly: Ah! Yes! I have isolated the microscopic particle that causes the common cold and found a way to kill it!
Laigle: Well? How!?
Joly: Uh… I forgot…
Jean P: No, really, Marius. If you go outside and stare at the sky for a moment, inspiration will come to you. The sky is the most beautiful thing in the world.
Marius: Ok.
Marius decides to try this out, and so stands and leaves. The camera
follows him outside, where he stands, staring at the sky. But, a beautiful
young woman wearing a very gaudy dress covered in lace accidentally bumps into
him.
Marius: Oh, I’m so sorry, mademoiselle!
Cosette: Oh, that’s alright.
They stare at each other for a moment. Then, Fantine
and Jean come out of a nearby store, followed by the Foreman, who is carrying
their parcels. They go over to Cosette and Marius.
Valjean: Oh, hello Cosette. Who is this charming young man?
Marius: Marius Pontmercy, monsieur.
Marius and Cosette can’t try to hide their
relationship from Jean because that would not be kid-safe.
Valjean: I am Jean Valjean, and this is my wife, Fantine, my daughter, Cosette, and my Foreman.
Cosette: Marius, would you like to come over for dinner?
Marius: Sure! I’d love it!
Jean: Charming! Our address is 55 Rue Plumet.
Marius: I’ll be there at 8. Thank you so much.
The Valjeans leave, and Marius stands there
staring after Cosette for a while before Enjolras and R come up.
R: Is everyone inside, Marius?
Marius: Mmmm.
R: Coming, Enjolras?
Enjolras: Mmmm.
R: Is this some new trend?
Marius and Enjolras: Mmmm.
R: Mmmm.
The camera follows them inside the café. They sit down at Jean P’s
table, and a waitress comes up to them.
Waitress: What’cha want?
Enjolras: I’ll have a root beer float, please.
R: I’ll just have a ginger ale.
Marius: Sprite, please.
Jean P: Could I get a…uh… I’ll just have a Sprite, too. And could I get some animal crackers with that?
Waitress: Yeah, sure.
They couldn’t drink anything alcoholic, because that wouldn’t be
kid-safe. The waitress leaves, and Enjolras stands up
on the table.
Enjolras: Listen to me, dear Friends of the ABC!
All talk dies down.
Enjolras: The government is oppressing us and the poor people of the streets! We must fight them!
R: Yes! But we should try talking things over first.
Enjorlas: Yes, that’s a good idea! First thing tomorrow, Marius, R, Feuilly, and I will go down to the President’s house and talk things over with him! We will get justice!
Cheers resound from the students. Enjolras
gets off the table as the waitress comes back with the drinks and Jean P’s
animal crackers.
Enjolras, Jean P, Marius, and R: Thank you.
Enjolras: Thank you for saying that, R. I should have realized that a peaceful approach is always the best.
R: Yes, it is. The government officials will realize their folly and join our cause.
Marius has been staring off into space this whole time, dreaming of Cosette, and Jean P has taken his animal crackers and is
now playing with them.
Jean P (as a lion): Roar! I am the evil President! (as a rhino) I am Enjolras, and we are the Friends of the ABC! We will defeat you, evil President! (as a horse) No, we should talk things over! (as a croc) Poland! (as the lion) Talk? What is there to talk about? I will crush you all! Mwahaha! (as the rhino) Yes, that is a good idea R. (as the croc) Poland! (as the rhino) You have been oppressing the poor people of France! Can’t you see your folly and aid them? (as the lion) I have? Oh my people! I am so sorry! I will save you! Thank you so much for enlightening me, Friends of the ABC! (as the horse): Another victory for the friends of the ABC! Great job, Enjolras! (as the rhino) Thank you, R. (as the croc) Yay!
He eats all the animal crackers. The screen fades to black.
scene xi
On a street corner somewhere, Jean and the Foreman are accosted by M.
T, Montparnasse, and Eponine.
They start to rob them, but very very gently; no
weapons are involved. This isn’t kid-safe, but they must realize the error of
their ways and become honest people.
Jean: What are you doing!?
M. T: What does it look like? We’re robbing you, of course.
Foreman: Oh, you shouldn’t do that. It’s just not nice.
M. T: What do I care?
Foreman (offended): You should!
Eponine and Montparnasse, meanwhile, have been going
through Valjean’s pockets and pull out his
carriage-driving license.
Eponine: It’s Uncle Jean!
M. T: Oh, Jean! I didn’t realize it was you! I am so sorry!
Jean: Of course I forgive you. But you must all lead honest lives from now on and get honest jobs.
Montparnasse bursts out crying.
Montparnasse: I’m so sorry! I should never have led a life of crime! Please forgive me!
Jean: Of course I forgive you.
M. T: I think I’m going to be a stock-broker from now on! You’ll never catch Etienne Thénardier picking another pocket as long as he lives!
Eponine: Please forgive me, Uncle Jean!
Jean: Of course I forgive you. Now you all should go home and get some rest and eat a few gummi bears.
I like gummi bears a lot.
Eponine: Gummi bears?
Jean: They are the food of the gods.
M. T: Come on, let’s go home.
Montparnasse and the two Thénardiers leave.
Foreman: I coulda bashed one of their faces in for you.
Valjean: No. You must never resort to excess violence. And you must learn to forgive.
He pulls a letter out of his pocket.
Valjean: Would you please take this to the bootmaker’s? I need a new pair of boots.
Foreman: Sure.
He scampers off. A policeman on his beat wanders along and nods hello
to Jean, because all policemen should be nice and say hello to nice old men.
Then, suddenly, he recognizes him. It is Javert.
Javert: *gasp* You’re Jean Valjean, that wrongly convicted convict who spilled tea on my greatcoat seventeen years ago!
Jean: Yes, I am. But you must learn to let these things go, Javert.
Javert: No! I cannot forgive you for such a terrible deed!
Jean: You must, in order to become a better person.
Javert: No! I must arrest you!
Jean: But I’ve got someone coming over for dinner tonight! I can’t be arrested today! Tomorrow, I promise!
Javert: No excuses!
He reaches to grab Jean, but Jean runs away. Javert
runs after him. It isn’t kid-safe to run away, but Jean can’t be caught by Javert.
scene xii
Inside the Café Musain, Enjolras,
R, Jean P, and Marius are sitting around drinking the last drops of their
sodas. Jean P is writing bad poetry
about the sky, but the crumbs of his animal crackers are getting all over the
paper and sticking in the ink. Enjolras and Marius
are both staring off into space dreaming about Eponine
and Cosette, respectively.
Enjolras: *sigh* I wonder who she was…
Marius: *sigh* I’m going to have dinner at her house tonight…
Enjolras: I must find her!
Marius: Ooh, I can’t wait!
Enjolras: Marius, I need help. I’m in love, but I don’t know where to find the girl I love.
Marius: What does she look like?
Enjolras: Well, she’s a peasant.
Beggars aren’t kid-safe.
Enjolras: She’s rather tall, with dark hair and blue eyes.
Marius: I know her! She’s my best friend, Eponine! She lived right next door to me!
Enjolras: Could you take me to her house?
Marius: Sure!
They get up and run out.
scene xiii
The scene fades to outside the Gorbeau House,
which is a very nice apartment building instead the nest of thievery it should
be, but nests of thievery aren’t kid-safe. Marius and Enjolras
go in, nod hello to the lady behind the desk, and so up the stairs. Marius
knocks on some random door on the second floor, and Mme. T opens the door.
Inside the Thénardier’s apartment, M. T and Montparnasse are sitting at a table talking about stock
exchange, Mme. T is knitting, Gavroche is reading a
newspaper up-side-down, and Eponine is sitting on the
window seat staring off into space. It is a very nice little apartment, and Eponine even has her own room instead of having a corner of
the main room, ‘cause one-room apartments aren’t kid-safe
Mme. T: Why, Marius! It’s wonderful to see you! Come in!
Marius: Thank you, Mme. T. This is my friend, Enjolras.
Mme. T: Hello, Enjolras, come in!
Enjolras: It’s nice to meet you, ma’am.
Montparnasse notices the students and stands up.
Montparnasse: Hello, gentlemen. I am Montparnasse, a business associate of Etienne.
Marius: Hello, Montparnasse. My name is Marius and this is my friend Enjolras.
Montparnasse shakes hands with Marius and Enjolras shake
hands.
Mme. T: We’re so lucky to have such nice friends in Paris. Why, when we decided to move to the city, I thought we wouldn’t have any friends. But the nicest people live around here.
Eponine turns around and notices Enjolras. She shyly
stands and self-consciously smoothes her skirt. Enjolras
starts fidgeting with his scarf. Eponine perks up.
She shyly stands and self-consciously smoothes her skirt. Enjolras
starts fidgeting with his scarf. Marius isn’t a doltboy
because doltboys aren’t kid-safe, so he understands
the situation perfectly and engages the T’s and Montparnasse
in conversation.
Marius: So, how’s the stock exchange right now?
Montparnasse: Well, it’s pretty stable.
M. T: Though Floating Cow Inc. is doing remarkably well.
Mme. T goes back to her knitting and Eponine
and Enjolras go for a walk, because them going to one
side of the room isn’t kid-safe. The scene fades to outside where they’re
walking along a very nice, well-kept street.
Enjolras: So…
Eponine: Yeah…
Enjolras: Um…
Eponine: Mmhmm…
Enjolras: Well…
Eponine: Yes…?
They turn and stare into each other’s eyes. Corny romantic music plays
in the background. Enjolras doesn’t kiss her right
there and then because that wouldn’t be kid-safe. Instead, she kisses him.
That’s not kid-safe either, but at least she’s in character, so we’ll just go
with it.
scene xiv
Javert finally catches Jean. He does not handcuff him, because that would not
be kid-safe. While he’s busy not handcuffing Jean, he notices Enjolras and Eponine.
Javert: *gasp* It’s that dangerous revolutionary and a member of the notorious Patron-Minette gang!
He jumps to arrest Enjolras and Eponine, but Jean gets in his way.
Jean: No, Javert! They are innocent!
Javert: He’s planning to overthrow the government!
Enjolras: All we’re going to do is talk to the President!
Javert: Liar!
Jean: You must learn to forgive people, Javert. They have both seen the error of their ways! Enjolras is not going to violently overthrow the government, and Eponine has an honest profession now!
Eponine: Actually, I’m a telemarketer, if you can call that an honest profession.
Jean: Poor child!
Javert: *gasp* That is even worse than thievery!
He dodges around Jean, but Eponine and Enjolras run away. This is not kid-safe, but they can’t be
caught by Javert because they have to go off
somewhere and listen to more corny romantic music.
Javert: No! I must hunt them down and arrest them!
Jean: You must learn forgiveness, Javert!
Javert: You are under arrest, Jean!
He drags Jean away. The scene fades to Eponine
and Enjolras, who have finally stopped running.
Enjolras: Are you really a telemarketer?
Eponine: Yeah…
Enjolras: I’m so sorry! I bet I can get you into the college I go to.
Eponine: Really?
Enjolras: Yeah, sure.
Eponine: Thanks…
Enjolras: Uh… Eponine…
Eponine: Yeah…?
Enjolras: Would you marry me?
He holds out a ring.
Eponine: Yes!
They kiss again.
Scene xv
Javert drags Valjean into the police station, not
handcuffed.
Javert (triumphantly): This is the man I told you about! He spilled tea on my greatcoat seventeen years ago, and now he must pay!
desk sergeant: Uh…Javert…how long has it been since you’ve seen your therapist?
Javert (not paying attention): Yes, he will pay! They will all pay…
desk sergeant (to Jean): Sorry about this, monsieur, he’s got an obsessive disorder. I got him a therapist, but he never goes to her.
Jean: You are both forgiven. And you must learn to forgive, Javert.
Javert: Never!
The desk sergeant opens the door for Jean.
desk sergeant: Goodbye, monsieur.
Javert: Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Jean leaves, but Javert runs after him. The desk
sergeant rushes to his phone and quickly dials a number.
desk sergeant: Hello? Dr. Bobette? Yes, yes it’s me. Javert just ran after some guy who spilled tea on his greatcoat seventeen years ago. Yes. Yeah, well, maybe you should… oh you will? Thanks so much. Goodbye.
He hangs up, puts his feet up on his desk, and goes to sleep.
scene xvi
Jean is happily strolling across a bridge on his way home, when Javert catches up to him.
Javert: This time you will not get away, Jean!
Jean: You must learn to forgive, Javert!
Dr. Bobette rushes up, holding a
straight-jacket.
Dr. Bobette: It’ll be ok, Javert. Just come over here…
Javert: No! I must capture Jean!
Jean: You will never get anywhere in life unless you learn to forgive!
Javert: No!
He pulls out a water-gun. A real gun would not be kid-safe.
Dr. Bobette: Put the water-gun down, Javert, and come over here…
Javert: No! I must capture Jean!
Jean tries to run, but Javert gets in his
way. Jean knocks the water-gun out of Javert’s hands,
but as he scrambles to catch it, he loses his balance and falls into the river.
It wouldn’t be kid-safe to have him be pushed, or to have him jump. He is swept
down-river muttering to himself, because cursing loudly and shaking his fist at
Jean wouldn’t be kid-safe.
scene xvii
The scene fades to that night, when Marius, Jean, Fantine,
and Cosette – in yet another gaudy lacy dress – are
all sitting around the dining-room table eating pizza and talking.
Cosette: This is marvelous!
Marius: You didn’t have to get delivery just because I was coming over!
Fantine: It’s not delivery. It’s Dijorno.
Dijorno is definitely kid-safe, so it’s in here.
Cosette: I’m stuffed.
Marius: Me too. Care to go for a walk, Cosette?
Cosette: Sure.
They get up and leave. The scene fades to Marius and Cosette walking in the garden. They’re not alone, because
that would not be kid-safe. Azelma the Wonder-kitty
is there to watch after them.
Azelma: Meow.
Marius: Hey, Azelma!
Azelma: Meow.
Cosette: Marius…
Marius: Yes, Cosette…?
Cosette: I love you.
Marius: I love you, too, darling!
They kiss. This is not kid-safe, but it’s sappy enough that it can get
away with being in this movie.
scene xviii
The next morning, there is a very beautiful sunrise. We see Enjolras, R, Marius, and Feuilly
standing on the steps of the President’s house. A footman lets them in, and the
scene fades to the interior of the President’s office, where the four guys are
seated facing him. They begin to chat over morning cups of tea, since coffee
isn’t kid-safe.
President: I am the President of France! What do you have to say that I could possibly be interested in?
Enjolras: My name is Enjolras, and these are my friends. We are part of an organization called the Friends of the ABC.
R: We have come to talk things over with you.
Feuilly: About Poland!
R: About Poland! No, not about Poland…
President: Talk? What is there to talk about? I rule this country!
Enjolras: You have been oppressing the poor people of France! Can’t you see your folly and come to their aid? They need you!
President: I have? Oh my people! I am so sorry! I will save you! Thank you so much for enlightening me, Friends of the ABC! Can you ever forgive me?
Enjolras: Of course, sir.
They get up start to leave.
R: Great job, Enjolras!
Enjolras: Thanks.
They exit. Behind them, the President starts writing frantically and
talking to people on the phone about helping the poor.
scene xix
In the café, Enjolras is standing on a table
talking to his friends.
Enjolras: We have succeeded! The President listened to us, and is going to pay more attention to the poor people! We have won the day!
Cheers rebound as all the students throw their hats up in the air.
scene xx
Marius and Cosette are standing in front of the
Bishop of Digne, getting married.
Bishop: Do you, Marius Pontmercy, take Cosette Valjean to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Marius: Mmmm.
Bishop: Do you, Cosette, take Marius Pontmercy to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Cosette: Yes.
Bishop: Then I pronounce you man and wife.
The couple leaves happily.
Scene xxi
Eponine and Enjolras are standing in front of the
Bishop of Digne, getting married.
Bishop: Do you, Pierre Enjolras, take Eponine Thénardier to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Enjolras: I do.
Bishop: Do you, Eponine Thénardier, take Pierre Enjolras to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Eponine: Yeah.
Bishop: I pronounce you man and wife.
The couple leaves, Azelma the Wonder-kitty
trailing behind them.
scene xxii
Joly and Musichetta are standing in front of the
Bishop of Digne, getting married.
Bishop: Do you, Joly, take Musichetta to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Joly: Of course!
Bishop: Do you, Musichetta, take Joly to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Musichetta: Yes. If…
Joly (warily): If…?
Musichetta: If he tells me his first name.
Joly: *mumble*
Musichetta: What was that, dear?
Joly: B*mumble*
Musichetta: I can’t hear you…
Joly (in a whisper): Bob.
Musichetta: I still can’t hear you…
Joly (so everybody can hear): Bob.
Musichetta: Yes, I take Bob Joly to be my lawfully wedded husband.
Joly is blushing furiously.
Bishop (trying not to laugh): Then I pronounce you man and wife.
They leave happily, though Joly is still
blushing.
scene xxiii
We see a shot of the open sky. The camera then pans down to show Jean P
lying on his back staring up at the sky. Gavroche,
carrying Azelma the Wonder-kitty, comes along and
sits next to him. The boy and cat, too, stare up the sky. The end credits roll
in pretty gold letters over the image of man, boy, and cat staring up at the
sky.
The End.
Javert runs on, dripping. Dr. Bobette is chasing
him with a straight-jacket.
Dr. Bobette: Come back, Snookums! It’s time for your medication!
She sees the camera and stops.
Dr. Bobette: I treat all my patients with Flintstones Vitamins! Guaranteed to give them the proper nutrients they need to help their brains function normally and make a full recovery!
She runs after Javert.
Dr. Bobette: Get back here, Snookums!
Announcer: Yes, this program was
sponsored by Flintstones Vitamins! See ya next time,
when we will present the sequel to this epic story: Azelma
the Wonder-kitty Goes to