Part 12

 

Angel was worried.

 

Not so much about himself, he’d lived long enough. He’d seen things that normal people didn’t even dream about. He’d seen war and destruction, terror and despair. The sinking of the ‘Titanic’, quite frankly, almost paled in comparison.

 

But this time it was different. This time he cared about someone.  And that…  that changed everything.

 

The demon in him roared, telling him to kill the woman in front of him, yet it also surged with a fierce desire to protect it’s mate, and protect it at all costs. The alternating urges in him filled him with a deepening sense of confusion, and he feared that he was beginning to lose his grip on the most primal and dangerous parts of himself.

 

But the man, though, and the man whose soul was in charge of the demon, the soul was filled with a fear. A fear of terror, of loss, and of a desperate need to never say goodbye in case it truly was the final time he stood with his life’s only love.

 

“I have something I need to admit,” Angel said slowly, as soon as he and Buffy were out of earshot of Giles and her mother. She looked up at him, the tears gone from her eyes, a set line of determination on her face. It was clear that she had made up her mind: she was going to get through this, and she was going to be strong. And Angel loved and admired her for it.

 

“What?” she asked, softly, her voice not betraying the worry she immediately felt at his seriousness.

 

Angel swallowed. “I watched you.” She stared at him, not understanding. “I saw you when you were called, saw the surprise on your face… the confusion. And I knew the loneliness that you would have to face… the pain.”

 

Buffy’s eyes shone with surprise, her earlier fear forgotten for the moment. “Saw… me?” she whispered.

 

He nodded mutely. “I fell in love with you then,” he admitted with some difficulty. “And in that moment,” he swallowed, gazing into her eyes, “I vowed to protect you and keep you safe. I wanted… I wanted to make you happy.”

 

She gazed at him; eyes shinning with unshed tears, her pain obvious in the slight quiver of her lips. Sniffling, she went into his arms, her grip so tight it was painful. “Oh Angel,” she sobbed, “don’t do this! Don’t do this!”

 

“Don’t do what?” he asked gently, a little confused.

 

“Make it harder!” she wailed, burying her face against his large chest. “I don’t know if I can do this… don’t know if I can leave knowing that was the last nice thing you’ll ever say to me,” she sniffed, words slightly muffled.

 

Angel pulled slightly away to look into her tear stained face. Touching her cheek, he shook his head. “No, I want you to know how much strength you’ve given me.”

 

She kept shaking her head, as if in denial. “I can’t listen to this…”

 

“I have a reason for fighting, Buffy. I have a reason to live. To help people. To help *you*. I can… I can be good. I want to come out of this alive, for the first time I care about what happens to me.”

 

Buffy sniffled a couple more times, and stared up at him, all words dying in her throat. Angel seemed to understand and just held her against him. And they stayed like that. Two people who loved each other, holding on because it could be the last time they got the chance. Angel’s hands moved in a constant rhythm, over her back, through her hair, down her neck. Buffy just held on to him, letting out occasional sobs and feeling like if she held on long enough she would wake up two hours earlier and be lying peacefully in his arms.

 

Finally, she pulled away. “But we can’t know!” she insisted, feeling another wave of helplessness. “We don’t know what the water will do to you! We don’t know that it won’t kill you! We don’t know anything!”

 

“Shhh,” he soothed, “it’s okay.”

 

“It’s not okay! It’s NOT!”

 

“We don’t know, Buffy,” he said firmly. Tilting her chin up, he made her look him in the eye.   “We don’t know,” he repeated, quieter. “we can’t. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t try, it doesn’t mean that I won’t do whatever I can to get back to you.”

 

“Then why can’t you get into a lifeboat?” she pleaded, whimpered almost, like a little child trying one last time to get her way.

 

He sighed, and looked away from her. “You know the answer to that.”

 

“Well, I don’t like the answer,” she snapped, hating that she was taking her anger of the unfair situation out on him.

 

He gave her a small, patient smile. “You don’t have to like the answer.”

 

She sighed, looked at the ground. “But I have to live with it anyway.”

 

“I’m sorry… I wish… I wish there was something I could do to make it all better.”

 

She felt despair, raw and fresh. She thought she was prepared to say good-bye, she thought she could leave the ship never knowing if she would see him again. But she was wrong, so wrong.

 

She wasn’t prepared to have to leave him.

 

“I wish you could make it better, too,” she said, voice raw with emotion. “But you can’t… you can’t. It doesn’t matter how much we’ve already suffered because of fate, it will continue to make things harder. And there isn’t anything that we can do.”

 

Angel watched her, pain in his eyes. “Shhh… don’t….” Finally beginning to feel incredible helplessness, Angel leaned forward, pressing a small soft kiss to her lips.

 

It could be the last one they ever shared.

 

Buffy, as if echoing his thoughts, trembled and tried to press herself even tighter against him. “I’m scared,” she admitted, in a soft voice.

 

“I know.”

 

“I didn’t know it was possible… you know, you don’t go fighting hell creature after hell creature without developing a backbone.”

 

“This is different,” he pointed out. “You can’t fight this. You can’t save other people. You only have one choice, whether or not to get on to a lifeboat to save yourself.”

 

She listened to him quietly. He was right, she knew. That was what made this so different. She couldn’t fight her way out of it. She couldn’t push the anger down by her resolution to go beat up some demons.

 

A lone tear trailed down her cheek.

 

“I’m sorry,” she sniffed. “I don’t want to cry…”

 

Lifting her chin up, Angel looked deep into her eyes and wiped away the tear with his thumb. “Don’t apologize.” Mesmerized by the deep gaze he was training upon her, Buffy could do nothing but nod her head. “Don’t even say sorry for showing me what you’re feeling.”

 

Blinking back tears, she bit her lip shakily. “Okay.”

 

He looked away from her for a moment, obviously deep in thought. “It’s nice to know that there’s someone that cares enough to confide in me.”

 

Buffy bit her lip, mulling over a question. “Angel, why haven’t you ever looked… for someone before?”

 

“I don’t know,” shrugging, he regarded her seriously. “I guess I never felt that I deserved it.”

 

“But you’re so good,” she protested, grabbing onto his hands. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

 

He shook his head, knowing that deep in his heart he would never feel as if he deserved this treasure in front of him. “Maybe it was because no one ever gave me a reason before,” he murmured.

 

Buffy shook her head. “You’re doing it again.”

 

“What?”

 

“Talking like we’re never going to see each other again. I don’t want this to be like that…”

 

He sadly looked into her eyes. Watching the way they looked at him with love… trust. A slayer trusting a vampire. It was so… ironic.

 

“Buffy,” he whispered, almost as if he was afraid of his next words, “we might never see each other again. I can’t help talking that way.”

 

She pulled away from him sharply, turned her back, faced the ocean. He couldn’t see her but knew she was trying to compose herself. He heard a few deep, long, shuddering breaths before she turned back around to look at him.

 

“I was scared when I first met you,” she said, not being able to look him the eye. “I didn’t understand how I could fall so hard, so fast.” She continued staring intently at the floor of the ship, “But now… I want my life to be with you…” choking up, she stared morosely down the length of the ship, trying not to concentrate on the way the bow kept getting closer… and closer to the water.

 

 Suddenly Angel knew why she had been so greatly disturbed when he started saying his words of good-bye. It *hurt*. He thought he couldn’t feel any worse. Didn’t know there was a pain worse than forcing her onto a lifeboat. But he suddenly realized that the first really *good* thing to EVER happen to him might be taken away… forever.

 

He pulled her close against him again, whether in an effort to comfort her… or stop her torrent of painful words, he didn’t know.

 

She burrowed against him, wishing so badly that she could just stay against his large frame. Wished she could let him shelter her, keep her warm, protect her. Forever. She knew how terrible that sounded. But she felt so weak… so lost… so helpless. “Can I just stay here? Can I forget about all this?”

 

Rubbing her back soothingly, Angel closed his eyes and breathed in her scent. “What do you want me to tell you?”

 

“Mmmm, that I’m perfectly safe and you’re going to love me forever,” she whispered.

 

“I love you, *nothing* can change that… not even death.”

 

She pulled away from him, shock written on her face. “Don’t say that!”

 

“Buffy… I can’t promise anything, I just want to make sure that you know the way I feel about you...”

 

She shook her head, realizing that her resolution to not start crying just broke. Tears streamed down her cheeks, hot and salty. They showed the pain, the pain that everyone on the ship was feeling at that very moment. She suddenly felt that she shared a deep bond with all those leaving their loved one’s on this frightful Monday morning. There were so many others trying to be strong. But, just like her, they all failed. And they all cried.

 

In that moment, Buffy felt more like a normal girl than she ever had before, and probably ever would again.

 

Angel let her cry, fighting down the urge to kiss away her tears. She needed it, he knew. While she didn’t like showing her helplessness, he knew that she needed to show her deep feelings of loss. Leaning into his arms, Angel did the only thing he could… he held her.

 

After a few minutes, he pulled away just enough to look her into her eyes.  She could see deep regret written on the features of his face, and she began to quiver. “Angel…?” She asked in question, though she already knew the answer.

 

He gulped. “It’s time.”

 

She shook her head. “No… it’s not… it’s not enough time.”

 

“It won’t ever be,” he whispered sadly. “You need to do this.”

 

“I don’t,” she threw her arms around his neck, buried her face against him. “I don’t… let me stay with you.”

Painfully, aware at how his heart shattered with every passing moment, Angel carried Buffy to where Joyce and Giles were waiting. Setting Buffy down, he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “You need to get into a lifeboat.”

 

Not having enough energy to argue, she allowed her mother to wrap her arm around her shoulder. Slowly, almost slow enough to make Buffy want to scream, her mother led her towards the lifeboat. She saw other woman, having to be pulled in, some of them carried, as the moment it came to step off the comfort of the warm ship proved to be too much, and they lost all strength. As her mother led her towards the lifeboat, Buffy’s knees began to shake and she thought for a fleeting moment that perhaps she would have to be one of the ones needing to be lifted into the boat.

 

But then Giles put a hand on her arm, stopping their walk towards the boat. Relieved, Buffy realized that she had to go on the boat with a strong constitution. She *wouldn’t* fall apart.

 

Giles led the slayer and the slayer’s mother over to the officer in charge of lowering the boat. Giles formally shook his hand. Buffy resisted the urge to snort. It figured, she was gone for a whole five minutes, and her watcher was already making friends with the crew.

 

“Buffy, this is 2^nd officer Lightoller,” Giles said, and despite grave circumstances seemed almost in awe of him.

 

Lightoller nodded politely towards Buffy. “Mr. Fleet and Quartermaster Hitchens are both very experienced crewmen, you and your mother will be quite safe in boat number 6.”

 

Buffy blinked, smiled like she had heard him. She hadn’t. And, honestly, didn’t really care. Officer Lightoller dismissed them, moving on to the next passenger.

 

Buffy gulped. This was really it. She turned around, panicked when she didn’t see Angel immediately. As if sensing her distress, he was at her side in an instant, grasping her hand in reassurance.

 

He kissed her, long, hard, trying to put all of his feelings into that one last kiss. When he pulled away, Buffy was surprised to see tears shinning in his eyes. “You’re going to be fine,” he murmured, and Buffy wasn’t sure if he was trying to make himself, or her feel better.

 

She supposed it didn’t matter; nothing could make her feel better at this point. Then Giles hugged her, tightly. And she squeezed him back, beginning to cry. “You’re the best Watcher a Slayer could ever have,” she whispered.

 

He pulled away from her, a proud look on his face. “And I can only hope all other watcher’s got this lucky with their slayers.”

 

“Giles…” she trailed off wanting to apologize for all the times that she had driven him crazy, all the times that she hadn’t followed his rules. She wanted to tell him how she considered him to be more of a father and mentor than anyone else in her life. But her throat clogged, and she felt like gagging.

 

As if sensing what she wanted to say, he lay a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay. You’re the daughter I never had… I just want you to know that. I certainly don’t have any regrets.”

 

She sniffed, drew in a deep breath. “I’m going to miss you.”

 

He smiled. “I should hope so. But you’ll go on, you always do.”

 

Buffy turned away, not sure that she could take it anymore. Then her eyes came to rest on Angel. Who was talking with her mother, almost like he was reassuring her. If it had been any other time, she would have found the moment sweet, her love and her mother getting along. As it was, though, it only helped to increase her worry. She knew they were only being so respectful because of the life and death emergency.

 

Buffy resisted the urge to throw up. But her stomach was empty, painfully empty, and she knew that there wouldn’t be anything to up chuck. Lightholler yelled that the boat was about to be lowered away, and before Buffy had time to react her mother was again pulling her towards the lifeboat.

 

She shook, knowing that she wasn’t ready to say good-bye, but also knowing that she would never be ready. Her legs were numb, they would barely moved, and it took all of her strength to take that last step into the boat. She fell on one of the seats, trembling. The moment that she left the ‘Titanic’ the fear grew worse. Leaving the big, warm ship couldn’t really be all that much safer, could it?

 

She choked back a sob and repeated her mantra in her head. ‘I have to be strong, I have to be strong, I have to be strong….’ But then she made the mistake of looking up and seeing Giles and Angel standing side by side, even as Lightholler gave the command to lower the boat away. Her head swam, and she was afraid for one painful second that she would lose consciousness. Then her vision cleared, and her mind surged to remind her that this may be the last time she ever saw the two of them.

 

So she tried to picture them, standing side by side, forever peaceful, and they would remain that way in her mind. She caught Angel’s eyes, and feeling her pulse speed up just by looking at him she opened her mouth to yell, “I love you!” But only a tiny, hoarse whisper came out.

 

She almost started crying at the injustice of it all.

 

He seemed to read her lips, however, and mouthed, “I love you, too.”

 

That almost made her start crying from the pain of it all.

 

Suddenly, there was a bit of a jump and bang, and Buffy looked up to find that Mrs. Molly Brown had jumped four feet from the deck in order to get in the lifeboat. Or, perhaps, Buffy mused, she had been pushed in. Whichever it was, Mrs. Brown seemed wholly unfazed. With a small mumbled, “hmph!” she took a seat.

 

It must have been five seconds later that more yelling occurred from up on the deck. Buffy wasn’t really paying attention. She didn’t want to pay attention. She wanted to close her eyes and make everything go away, but she couldn’t close her eyes because they were focused on her watcher and her lover, and she couldn’t make it all go away because it was all really happening.

 

An older looking man suddenly swung down from the ropes used to lower the lifeboat into the ocean. Buffy gave a little jump of surprise and looked at her mother questioningly. “There weren’t enough crewmen aboard,” she explained.

 

“Oh,” Buffy replied in a dulled tone, and her mother wondered whether or not she had even heard her.

 

The new crewmen introduced himself as Major Peuchen and talked with Hichens for a couple minute, where Hichens made it very clear that *he* was the man in charge and the Major should sit down and be quiet. Both Buffy’s mother and Mrs. Molly Brown let out matching sounds of annoyance, thinking it was quite rude of the Quartermaster.

 

Buffy supposed it was rude, but she really couldn’t find it in herself to care. She was like a shell of her former self, not allowing any feelings to bog her down. Anyway, she figured, it was either numbness or hysteria at this point. And she didn’t fancy having to be sedated because she was screaming too loud.

 

She sighed. It was all so… unbelievable.

 

***

 

Angel watched, never taking his eyes of her boat, as the Quartermaster put the plug in the bottom. He watched as Buffy was lowered away. He watched as Hitchens gave the command to row away. And he watched until not even his vampire sight could see her.

 

To say he was worried about his slayer was like saying that vampires drank blood.

 

Giles stayed at his side, and Angel was somewhat surprised. He was beginning to think that though the watcher did not particularly like him, he at least respected him. And that respect meant a lot to Angel because he knew how much Buffy valued Giles’ opinion.

 

“She’s going to be fine, Angel,” Giles noted upon seeing the vampire’s unwillingness to  look away from the spot that he’d last seen the slayer.

 

Angel let out a sharp, bitter laugh. “Fine?”

 

Giles let out a deep sigh. “Perhaps.”

“I don’t think any of us are going to get out of this fine.”

 

“You’d be surprised, Buffy’s quite a strong woman.”

 

“I wouldn’t.”

 

“Wouldn’t what?”

 

“Be surprised.”

 

Giles regarded him for a moment. He nodded, “No, I don’t suppose that you would.”

 

“Do you…” Angel paused, thought for a minute. He wouldn’t have admitted it to anyone, but Giles’ support wouldn’t just mean a lot to Buffy, it would mean a lot to himself. “I know that you’ve never… appreciated… the relationship I have with Buffy, but I hope that I… *we* have you blessing.”

 

‘Blessing?’ his mind screamed silently, ‘blessing?’ That damn Christian upbringing was taking part in his speech again.

 

Giles looked a little surprised at his choice of words. He thought for a moment, obviously mulling over his next words. “I wouldn’t call it a blessing, per say, but you… both of you, have my support and my love.”

 

Angel gave a small smile.

 

That was more than good enough for him.

 

***

 

Buffy watched forlornly as the boat was rowed further and further away from the ship. There was some warning about having to move far away so that the ‘Titanic’s’ pull didn’t drag them down with it when it finally sank.

 

Buffy wanted to ask what would happen to all the survivors that were left to swim in the sea. Wouldn't the lifeboat have to go back to them? But when she opened her mouth nothing came out but a dull moan, causing her mother to wrap her arms around her and rock her like she was a little girl.

 

Buffy barely even felt it. There was a dull hush that had fallen over the lifeboat. Everyone was staring at the ‘Titanic’. All eyes were wide, pulsing with fear, and a grim sense of doom.

 

The slayer felt like she was a hallow tree, one that a squirrel found places to hide nuts in. She was so empty, so cold, and so alone. It was like being covered by an impossible blanket, one that she could never escape from.

 

The ‘Titanic’ kept getting farther away.

 

The dull sound of the oars hitting the water was the only noise in the hushed boat. No one dared say a thing, no one dared show their fears. No one even cried, the blanket was so strong.

 

All Buffy could think was that she was so little. The ocean was so big. And the ‘Titanic’ kept going down, down, down. Down to it’s final resting place. Down towards the ocean.

 

 

‘Down, down, down,’ Buffy thought half hysterically.

 

And Angel and Giles were still on it.

 

She wanted to sob, wanted to let the whole world hear the injustice, the unfairness. But she couldn’t. Because she was hollow.

 

So her mother rocked her.

 

The lifeboat kept getting farther away.

 

And down went the ‘Titanic’.

 

***

 

Angel took a deep breath. He wasn’t exactly sure why, he didn’t have to breathe, and it certainly wouldn’t do anything to help him. But it was something humans did when they needed to relax or calm themselves.

 

And Angel definitely needed to calm himself.

 

The deck was beginning to roar with the fear of hundreds of people. The danger was suddenly more real and the lifeboat shortage was becoming painfully more undeniable. Angel was afraid that things were close to getting out of hand.

 

Rockets kept shooting up in the air at regular intervals and the Captain could be seen from time to time making his way across the deck, trying his best to keep things running as smooth as possible. Angel couldn’t help but feel anger in the Captain’s presence, the man had screwed up big time, and hundreds would have to pay the price.

 

Angel’s own years as a vampire flashed through his eyes, but he shook the gruesome thoughts away and tried to keep his mind focused on the situation. He was privately worried about what his demon would do when the panic became even heavier. Would he cower in disgust and fear, or would he drink off the fear of other’s like a warm cup of blood?

 

Angel didn’t know, and he tried his best to remain as in control as he possibly could. For a fleeting second he wished that Buffy were still there with him. It was a selfish thought, and he banished it as quickly as he could.

 

But not before calling her face up into his mind and imagining the way her tiny hand would feel pressed into his.

 

Angel glanced over at the slayer’s watcher who was staring at the ocean with a surprising look of calm on his features.

 

“You know,” Giles began almost as if hearing Angel’s thoughts, “I never knew that I would be able to accept my death this easily.”

 

“It’s never the end,” Angel protested, knowing it was, but wanting to keep a positive façade even it was only for Buffy’s sake.

 

“Oh, but it is,” Giles whispered. “I’m just relieved that I don’t have to see her die.” Angel stared straight ahead not wanting to hear Giles’ good-bye speech. Giles reached into his coat and withdrew a tightly bound leather book. “This is the last diary I was keeping,” he explained, “it’s about Buffy and all that she has done the past few months up to the time that she met you.” Angel looked at him questioningly. “When you see her again, give this to her.”

 

Angel looked him straight in the eye. “If I see her again,” he corrected.

 

He shook his head, handed Angel the journal. “When you see her again.”

 

Angel let out another deep breath. “I don’t know…” shaking his head he let out a mirthless laugh. “I’m scared, I didn’t know that it was possible for me to be this scared.”

 

“Only a crazy man wouldn’t be scared,” Giles muttered, taking off his glasses and giving them a good cleaning. “You’d have to be a raving lunatic not to be scared now.”

 

Angel snorted. “Raving lunatic,” he agreed.

 

Giles reached out a hand, clasped Angel’s, and gave it a good shake. “Good luck.”

 

“Where are you going?”

“See if I can find myself a good whisky,” the watcher admitted. “If I’m going to go down, I may as well find it humorous.”

 

Angel gave him a real smile. “You’re the bravest man I’ve ever met.”

 

Giles looked at him again with what Angel suspected was a gleam of fondness. “Do tell Buffy that.”

 

“Of course.”

 

Giving Angel a good tap on the shoulder, Giles walked off. Angel resisted the urge to watch him walk away, silently reaffirming his faith that the watcher was the bravest man he had met. Knowing that this was the last time he would ever see the Brit again came as a hard blow to Angel.

 

He finally cared about people. And they were being taken away. By the ocean, by the mistake of a man who wanted to break records.

 

So Angel didn’t watch as Giles accepted his death, didn’t watch as the Watcher held his head high and started straight ahead, and didn’t watch as he entered the first class lounge never to leave again. Angel stared at the ocean, thought of Buffy, and tried as best he could to shoulder yet more blows to his undead heart

 

He had important things to worry about.

 

He had to survive.

 

TBC

 

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