Title: I Remember chapter two
Author: Goldy
Disclaimer: I think we all know who really owns it. Yeah, you know that guy who isn't me.
Feedback: I'm think I'm definitely going to continue at this point, and I will probably
write another chapter or two, but feedback does help me right faster. So on that note please don't make me beg.
Rating: R just to be safe

'Buffy'

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was some guy looking at me in concern. He was gripping my hand way to tightly, and his grip was sweaty. Frankly I didn't really care who he was or why he was holding my hand. I just cared about one person right now in the whole world.

Angel.

I could feel him near me. He was in this room. A whirl of emotions went through me at that moment. Anger, hate, love. How could he make that decision without me? I could have had what I most wanted and he took that away from me. I wasn't sure if I could ever forgive him for that. Then again he made it to protect me because of how much he loved me. How could I not forgive him?

I suddenly realized that tears were running down my cheeks and someone was pulling me against them. Riley. Damn it I had completely forgotten about Riley. He was rubbing my back and making shushing noises. But I didn't want to be in Riley's arms. In fact I didn't really know whose arms I wanted to be in.

I shoved him away from me and stood up looking around for Angel. I saw him on the other side of the room sitting bolt upright in a chair around the table near the stairs. My eyes locked on to his. Those eyes. Sometimes I feel like I could drown in them if I let myself. They're always so filled with emotion, and tell me everything I need to know about him.

This time his chocolate brown eyes were filled with a deep pain. A pain so confound I didn't even want to fathom it. I also saw love there - for me I guess - and a longing so intense that it chilled me to the bone.

Angel's eyes truly are the gateway to his soul.

Everyone in the room held their breath as Angel and I looked at each other, but I barely registered them. Things were too hazy. The room was spinning, and I was flying. I was drowning. I was drowning in Angel's eyes.

Sometimes when things were as simple as they ever were between us I used to think that I really could drown in Angel's eyes. The way that he was always able to study me with those big eyes of his. It made me think that he could read my mind and know what was going on inside me. I felt like that right now. His eyes were boring down into mine and I feel like he is stripping away every layer of me.

A million sentences rush through my head. I wanted to ask him why. Why he did what he did. Except I know that he would give me the same speech all over again. His happiness wasn't as important as the lives of others. He gave up his life for mine.

That's what it all comes back to. He gave up his life for mine. Then, I came back to L.A and rubbed Riley in his face, and he had been the one to come and apologize. It had always been that way with us-he always makes the sacrifices.

But this is one sacrifice that I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember the way it felt to be skin to skin with him and know that his was warm. I didn't want to remember that we could be happy with no strings attached. I didn't want to remember how it felt to feel like a princess in the arms of a man who absolutely adored her.

I didn't want to remember because it would make it harder to go on in the life that I had securely built for myself ever since his departure. It would make it harder to go on with Riley and pretend that I truly did care about him. It would make it harder to believe that the reason I didn't open up to anyone about Mom and Dawn was because I had to be strong.

But, God I am so glad that I was given a chance to remember.

"Buffy..." Angel tried to say, but he got choked up and just continued looking at me.

I felt those tears again going down my face. I'm not sure how they got there, but somehow they have become a big part of me lately. I feel the strongest urge to rush into his arms, and apologize. I want to apologize for being such a bitch to him in the past, and I want to tell him that I'm sorry that I ever forgot.

I blink furiously trying to control my vision-trying to control myself. I'm confused because I thought that I was over Angel. I thought that Riley was a great boyfriend. I don't even know what Riley is to me anymore. The one night that Angel and I shared-the one that never happened-is one that I would rather remember than hundreds with Riley. Not that Riley and I ever had one so sweet. Most times we'd fuck ourselves senseless and fall asleep.

What a great boyfriend Riley was.

"Angel," I choke out with tears running down my face. This is how we always greet each other. He says my name in that Angel way of his, and I say his. I don't think that we have ever started off a conversation with a plain old, "Hi."

The tension in the room is starting to get to me. It is so thick that I could actually feel it closing down on me and surrounding me. I'm not ready for a confrontation like this. I'm not ready to admit that I am still in love with Angel and that I always will be. I'm not ready to break up with Riley. It's selfish and I know it, but I am helpless to stop it.

So I turn and run. I run out of the Magic Box. I run away from Angel, Riley, and anyone else who wants to ask what the hell was going on. I run as fast as I can and as far as I can. I run until my legs are rubber and my sides hurt from exertion. I know that no one can keep up with me. I'm the slayer; no one is supposed to match my speed and strength. No one... except for one.


'Angel'

I don't know what possessed me. When it comes to Buffy I don't think that I have ever thought straight. One minute we were looking at each other in that deep way that we always could. The way that would tell me more about her than an hour of talking could.

She had looked so confused. The way the tears kept coming down her face without her even noticing. The way she looked lost in her own world too closed in with pain to get out. The way her eyes were begging me to help her.

The guilt that I usually carried around with me tripled when I looked into her eyes. I know that she was reaching out for me-searching for some kind of a comfort that she couldn't get from anyone else. Not even Riley.

I wanted to take her into my arms and give her the same kind of comfort that I always could. I wanted to tell her that it was going to be okay, and that I knew that it hurt but she didn't have to go through this alone. I wanted to tell her that I still loved her and that one day I would get a shanshu and we could be together.

But I didn't have that right anymore. She may have looked lost, and incredibly vulnerable, but that didn't give me the right to confuse her more. Besides she did have Riley, and Riley was all that I had hoped for her. A stable living breathing non-cursed boyfriend.

And that was exactly why I tore after her in the impending darkness when she had run out of the shop looking like her life depended on it. I didn't want her to have a stable boyfriend that could take her out into sunlight-I wanted Buffy to have me.

I knew that I shouldn't. It was going against everything that I had told myself over the past year and a half. Buffy's life was her own and I wasn't part of it anymore. But somehow after hearing her say my name and seeing all of the longing and love in her eyes I remembered the old days. When we were still together. Things always had been tough. Especially after I came back from hell, but somehow we always kept on. The love that we shared wasn't something that either of us could ever get over. I don't think that anything has changed.

If someone out there chose to let Buffy remember the most amazing day of my life-certainly hers too-than someone must want us to be together. So, I ran after her ignoring the protests of Cordelia, Xander, and Riley.

By the time I got out of the Magic Box Buffy wasn't anywhere in site. But it didn't matter-I could feel her. Not only because she was the slayer, but also because I can always sense her when she is close to me.

I don't know how long it took me to find her. Only that I finally did. She was lying curled up in a ball on an abandoned lot just outside of the town's limits. Her chest was heaving with sobs and her whole body was shaking. I could feel her pain as acutely as if it had been my own.

Hesitantly I sank down to my knees next to her until I could pull her against me. She didn't resist, and instead curled down against my chest and relaxed as the sobs continued to come. I gently rubbed her back and shushed her until the tears had run their course.

When she was breathing normally again, Buffy just leaned back against me and took deep calming breaths. "I'm sorry that you had to remember that," I whispered holding her against me and resting my chin against the top of her head.

Buffy shook her head, "don't be. I'm glad that I remember."

"Even if it will make things harder?" I asked.

Buffy turned around and ran a hand through my hair. I gave an involuntary shiver at the touch. It didn't matter that we had shared millions of little touches over the years-every one was like a bolt of electricity. She pressed a kiss quick kiss to my forehead. A kiss that left me starving for more.

She leaned her forehead against mine and I felt our eyes lock once again. "Don't feel guilty for this. I'm not angry at you for reversing the day. How could I be? You make more sacrifices for the world and me than a person should ever have to. But I see remembering this as a gift. I want... I want to be in your life again. I want us to be whole. I can't live like this anymore-I tried having a normal life, but I can't... I just can't. I need you, Angel."

"I know... watching you leave after," I took a deep swallow as the day that wasn't came flooding back to me, "after I reversed the day... was one of the hardest things I have ever done."

Buffy's eyes filled with tears again and I immediately felt bad again. I didn't want her to feel bad for me. I loved her and I would die a thousand deaths if it meant keeping her safe. Sniffling she threw her arms around my neck and held me against her as she apologized over and over again. She was sorry that she hurt me, sorry that she didn't remember after she had promised she would, and finally that she was sorry she ever let me walk out of her life.

"I love you, even after all this time, Angel. I still love you. Even more if that is even possible. Please, come back to me, please forgive me." Buffy begged as the tears continued to slide down her face.

Her words broke my heart. This was the reason that I had let her go on that warm thanksgiving weekend. I knew that if she remembered then I would never find the strength to leave her again. In fact, I don't even want the strength anymore. I feel selfish for it, but I want Buffy back with me just as much-more-than she wants me back with her.

I pulled her slightly away from me so I could cup her face. I kissed the tears running down her face licking up the salt-not being able to taste it-but liking the feel in my mouth and down my throat. If it was a part of Buffy than it was part of me. "I love you too, Buffy. That's why I had to leave you. I knew you deserved better, but I don't think I want you to have better anymore. I don't think I can leave again."

Buffy moved her mouth so our lips were closed to touching and I could feel her breath against my face and neck. "Then don't," she said as she closed the rest of the distance and we shared our first real kiss in more than a year.

Her kiss was a desperate one. She was desperate to taste me and feel me after all of these long months. I kissed her back just as hard and with just as much desperation.

I nibbled on her bottom lip and then ran my tongue slowly along it, but it wasn't enough and soon we were sucking on each other's tongues and mouths and whatever else we could.

I kissed my way down her neck biting down gently and then soothing with my practiced tongue. I wanted to taste her everywhere and I quickly pulled off her shirt and continued kissing her collarbone and down her chest.

She groaned underneath me and her frantic hands ripped off my shirt and before I knew it my pants were gone and so were hers. Nothing stood between us and I entered her slowly at first then harder until we were both crying out from the force of it.

It was nothing, but pure bliss as I climaxed and collapsed on top of her. Buffy ran her fingers through my hair crying softly. I realized I was too, and that it was okay. For the first time they were tears of relief and release. We could be together this time, the last moments spent together was proof of that.

"I love you," I whispered as I kissed her swollen mouth.

"I love you... but what about..." Buffy closed her eyes and I knew exactly what she was thinking.

"Angelus?" I finished saying the dreaded thing that she could not.

Buffy nodded weakly, and a need to protect rose inside of me. I wanted to be there for her always and keep her out of harms way. Angelus could come between us, and I know that she couldn't handle it again. "That was pure bliss, but not perfect happiness."

Buffy sighed in relief, but then her eyes clouded over washing it away quickly. "I can't go through that again... not being able to touch you."

"I know, love. I know. We'll find some way." I wanted to add that we would find some way if it took forever, but I didn't think that that would be very helpful. Still, I thought that maybe by letting Buffy remember the day that wasn't the PTB were saying that my soul was bound.

I guess that there was really only one way to tell, but it wasn't going to be like this. Making love in an abandoned lot with the moon and stars as the only witnesses was one of the most touching experiences I have had in my life, but it was all about reassurance. We wanted each other and we took each other and finally we loved each other, but it wasn't perfect happiness.

Eventually, though, it would be. First we had to go back and explain to Buffy and my friends' what happened. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was necessary. Using great strength I took myself out of Buffy and started getting dressed even as she whimpered in protest.

"Angel..." she pleaded.

I smiled at her fondly so glad that I had her with me. I helped her up and into her clothes between light kisses. "We have to go back."

"I know, but I don't want to. They're all going to be so mad... and Riley."

I tried to smile sympathetically at her, but mostly I just felt my heart tighten in jealousy. But I knew she cared about him, so I took her hand and led her back the way we came willing as much strength as I could to her down the connection between our joined hands.

 

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