| So why did I do it? I was in love with The Crazy German. I was completely attracted to him. Finally I was able to feel close to some on healthy terms. Not because I was running to get away from myself, to loose myself in someone else�s life. I had a life of my own, and I was enjoying it. I had finally become a person. Independent. Worthy of my own opinions and ideas. I was ready to be in love again. I was in love again. And I was really happy. I couldn�t really tell him how I felt. I couldn�t have him get scared and leave me. And dropping the �L� bomb would certainly scare him and he certainly would leave me, and then I would have failed at the first thing that had made me feel good in some time. I felt that by somehow not failing at this relationship, it would validate my existence. Maybe it was my fear of the relationship. I don�t know, stuff started happening and things were getting bad between the Crazy German and I. I actually broke up with him. The break up didn�t take, as I knew that it wouldn�t. He asked me to give him a second chance. He said that he �challenged� me to see this relationship through, and to not give up on it. This was the biggest turn on ever! I wanted him to fight for me and he did. He gave me correct amount of passion that I required. Even after that episode, we never were the same. He started breaking dates with me, he stopped calling. I didn�t hear from him until the night of his birthday party when I called him. I had to called to make sure I was still invited to his birthday party. Over the phone The Crazy German told me that he had met someone else. He said he was still interested in me, but that he invited this new girl to the party, and he just wanted me to know. I wanted to die. I wished that I had a suicide tab in my hand and right before he uttered the words, �I have met someone else� I would have popped the tab and never had to hear those awful words. I didn�t even know what to say. I secretly knew something like that was happening, but I just couldn�t believe that it was true. I responded in kind, I told him that it didn�t matter because I had been seeing a slew of other boys and he never meant anything to me anyway. This of course was a childish lie I told him and myself so that I wouldn�t have to feel so dumped. The Crazy German said that he still wanted me at his party. I think at that point I may have just hung up the phone. At first I thought I should just stay home and cry. I called Greenbay Boy in tears. (A carnal sin in the relationship of Beau and Tammy) Greenbay Boy told me that I was acting like a silly bitch! He made me laugh by saying he would drive down and go to the party as my date. I decided if I were going to maintain any semblance of dignity, I would go and at least check this new girl out. When I got to the party, I almost lost it. The Crazy German met me at the door and I wanted to turn around and run back to my car. Instead I walked in and went to the back porch to smoke and drink myself silly. The Crazy German had a slue of geeky friends around that seemed to be interested in speaking with me. I really didn�t have much time for them since I was scanning the room for The Crazy German�s new woman. One man was really persistent. He was stand next to me, talking with me, following me around. His name is Robot Boy and he is SO nice. Robot Boy asked me what was going on between The Crazy German and I. I told him that The Crazy German and I were just co-workers. Robot Boy told me that he was attracted to me and asked if I want to go somewhere to talk. I said yes. I had all I could take of pretending not to be sad. I said goodbye to The Crazy German, he ask me if I was leaving with Robot Boy, I said yes, he immediately responded with, �You bitch�. It made me happy that The Crazy German was obviously upset by the thought of not having me. Robot Boy and I got as far as the front porch when he kissed me. He asked me if I wanted to go get some dinner, or grab another drink. I wasn�t really in the mood to go out, I was still pretty heartbroken. So I said no, but gave him my number. Robot Boy. I knew what I was doing. I knew that he felt wrong. But I just couldn�t let The Crazy German have that power over me. The Crazy German ended what I thought was the first equal relationship I had ever been in. I could not let him see me broken. I was broken by Chrisatan, and Chrisatan new it. He used it to his advantage and walked all over me. I could not let myself be broken by The Crazy German too. It was just too soon. Regardless of why Chrisatan and I are no longer together, I could not let another man determine my worth. I shouldn�t have to compete with another woman. That�s what The Crazy German was asking me. He asked me for time to choose between me and another woman. I AM NOT A CHOICE! LOVE IS NOT A CHOICE!! If I had waited, and he chose me, it would have been on his mind when ever things got complicated. Maybe the other girl wouldn�t be so argumentative. Or even worse, what if he had chosen the other girl. He surely would have put me in my place. I then would have become the little girl that wasn�t good enough for the Crazy German. I did the right thing. I |
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