He sat quietly in the back seat of one of Portland�s finest yellow taxis. Several times the cabby tried to get his attention with original phrases like, �Where ya comin� from?� and �How long ya been away?�
When they got to the dock, Lazarus threw the cabby a ten. �Keep the change.�
�Thanks pal.�
Lazarus slung his guitar case over his shoulder with his backpack and picked up his suitcase. He looked at his surroundings with blank eyes.
�The same as it�s always been.�
Pigeons looking for crumbs of food scattered as he walked by. A bum leaned forward from the brick wall and held out his hand.
�Can ya spare a buck, mister?�
Lazarus didn�t stop long enough to look at the man. He walked straight into the terminal and up to the ticket counter.
�One for Long,� he said, and took a five from his wallet. The ticket lady punched a couple of keys on the computer at her side and a yellow ticket popped out.
�That�ll be seven eighty-five,� she said.
Lazarus put the five back and shook his head. He pulled out a ten and handed it over. He grabbed his ticket and change and went outside to wait for the boat. He sat on the puke-green colored bench and looked around for a familiar face. When he saw none he once again wondered why he bothered coming back.
When they had left, he and his friend Kevin had told their families that they wouldn�t be coming back. Now he found himself on his way home, without his friend or a welcoming party.
They called his boat and he boarded it with a little nod to the deckhand. He didn�t appear to recognize Lazarus but nodded back anyway.
The boat was close to empty, like it always was during the late boat. He passed the time by playing his guitar. He gave up after a while, he forgot how loud the boat�s engine was and couldn�t hear his playing.
He disembarked the boat at Long, walked up the ramp and anticipated whom he�d see. When he got to the top of the ramp he saw no one. He looked around again and changed his mind. He did see one person. That person was halfway down the dock and walking away. Although it was dark, he thought he recognized the person.
�Kevin!� he hollered.
The figure stopped and turned around.
Lazarus picked up his step and quickly caught up to his friend.
�Lazarus, is that you?� Kevin asked.
��Fraid so. What are you doing here?� He dropped his suitcase and gave his friend a small hug.
�Same thing as you, I guess. Failing to follow my dreams and getting sucked into this shithole.�
�Hey,� Lazarus said, �I haven�t failed yet.�
��Then where�s the rest of the band?� Kevin said. He slapped Lazarus on the shoulder. �Hey, I�m kidding.�
�I know. I think it�s being back here is getting me down,� Lazarus said.
�Oh, trust me. I know the feeling. Here, give me your suitcase and I�ll carry it back for you. Unless, of course, you think they�ll be here to pick you up.�
Lazarus answered by handing Kevin his suitcase. They walked away from the boat in silence. Lazarus took in the familiar surroundings while Kevin watched his feet. Kevin stopped for a second and switched the suitcase to his other hand. That�s when Lazarus noticed the book that was in his other hand. It was a little blue, hard covered book.
�I see you�re still writing. That means that you haven�t yet failed at your dreams either.�
�Look around yourself, Lazarus. This is as close to failing as you can get. As long as I�m on this rock, I�m gonna feel like a failure.�
�Speaking of this rock,� Lazarus said. �What�s new?�
�Not much. What�s ever new here?�
�You mean nothing�s changed since we left two years ago?�
�Well, the lobstermen are having a shitty year, the store was sold to a couple of rich fags, and Helen is breaking up yet another marriage by sleeping around. Oh yeah, and there are twice as many dickheads around as there used to be.�
�I guess you�re right,� Lazarus said, �Nothing has changed.� Years ago they would have thought that funny, but it was so true that they no longer found it humorous. It was pathetic.
�So, how long are you back for?� Kevin asked.
�Just the summer.�
�Hmm, you�re staying for that long?� Kevin said.
�Well, I�m afraid to stay any longer. I might pick up smoking pot, drinking coffee brandy and sleeping around.�
Kevin laughed a little. If they beat the hell out of it, it became funny again.
They arrived at their houses. Kevin�s family lived next door to Lazarus�s. That was probably why they had become such good friends over the years. Living so close to your friend made it easier to hang out together than walk all the way down front to get drunk with the rest of the teenage druggies.
�Hey,� Kevin said, �why don�t you just leave your stuff out front here and we�ll take a walk for old times sake. I don�t imagine you�re too excited to see your folks.�
Lazarus took off his backpack and set it down with his guitar case. �Sounds like a great idea to me.�
They set off from their houses as if they hadn�t been away for two years. For the first couple of minutes they walked in silence. The road ahead was shrouded by forest, and empty of all human presence. They didn�t take in their surroundings though. Both were lost in their own thoughts.
�So, tell me,� Lazarus broke the silence, �how�s your writing going?�
�Lazarus, being on this island is like having a brick wall set up between me and my artistic ability. It�s the antonym of muse.�
�That bad, huh?�
�I haven�t written a poem, let alone a single line since I came back last summer.�
�Been drinking?�
�Jesus Lazarus! Have a little respect will ya?� Kevin hollered. He was very prone to overreacting about the smallest things. �And I don�t have a drinking problem.�
�You got kicked out of college, guy.�
�I was suspended, not kicked out,� Kevin said.
�Suspended indeterminately.�
�Worse things have happened to better people,� Kevin mumbled. �How is school anyway? How are the guys?�
�Everything�s fine,� Lazarus said.
�Damn, man. You sound like me,� Kevin said. �What�s wrong?�
�Nothing�s wrong. Nothing�s different and nothing�s right. That�s the problem. I can�t find anyone for the band and what good is an undecided major going to do me in the future?�
Lazarus kicked a rock that was lying in the road. They watched it as it tumbled away from them.
�No band? I thought you had a new bassist. You said he was real talented too,� Kevin said.
�You mean Todd? The fuck. He was talented, when he wasn�t high. You know how hippies are.�
They caught up with the rock and Kevin took a turn kicking it.
�He took off,� Lazarus said. �He went to Colorado or Montana or some such place to rediscover himself. The bastard took half my CD collection and my Pink Floyd poster with him too. I guess those are necessities when one wants to rediscover one�s self.�
�I can see him now,� Kevin said, �sitting cross-legged on the summit of some mountain. Meditating, smoking pot and listening to acid rock.�
They laughed a little at that, but Lazarus�s laugh stopped short and Kevin�s soon after. They both wanted to be having a good time, but they had the overwhelming feeling of going nowhere fast. That killed any fun that they may have been having.
Kevin kicked the rock again, but this time it hit a small pebble in the street and bounced off onto the shoulder of the road. As they walked by it Kevin glanced at it in the grass. It would have been too much of a bother to get it back on to the pavement. They walked on by.
They continued down the road and soon came to the marsh. It was merely a large pond that sat right next to the road. There was a chain link fence that ran the length of the marsh to keep little kids from falling in and drowning themselves. At one point the fence leaned way in toward the marsh.
�Remember the time you thought you could run along that section of the fence without falling in?� Lazarus asked.
�How could I forget?�
�Well, you were pretty drunk.�
�Yes, Lazarus, I remember.�
�That was fucking funny,� Lazarus said.
�It was in the middle of winter,� Kevin said, �It was fucking cold.�
Lazarus was laughing, but Kevin looked a bit pissed off.
�How�s your sister doing?� Kevin asked.
Lazarus�s laugh cut off and he gave Kevin an evil look.
�What? I was just asking.�
�You�re always just asking, until you see her. Then you�re an embarrassing fool. Don�t you have any decency? Why must you hit on my sister?�
�Damn, man. I was only asking how she was doing. I can�t hit on her if she�s not here,� Kevin said. �She isn�t here, is she?�
�No,� Lazarus said, �and she�s fine. She just finished her freshman year of law school and got a four-point-oh.�
�Wow, good for her,� Kevin said sarcastically.
Lazarus gave him another look.
�I was only asking,� Kevin said again. �And it�s not like I was asking for her hand in marriage or anything.�
�Thank fucking God too. I don�t think I could handle it if you were my brother-in-law.�
Kevin swung his hand and hit Lazarus in the chest.
�Just drop my sis, okay?� Lazarus asked.
�So, you haven�t found a lucky lady yet?� Kevin asked.
Lazarus shook his head.
�And you�re positive you�re not gay?�
This time it was Lazarus who hit Kevin. Kevin chuckled a little and they continued down the road. Their little trip came to its midpoint at some crossroads and they began heading back to their houses via a different road. Kevin�s chuckle slowly faded away and soon it was a frown. He was staring at the ground again, as if lost in thought.
�Thinking of a new poem?� Lazarus asked.
�I wish. I was thinking of when I�m going to get out of here.�
�What are you going to do next?� Lazarus asked.
�I wish I knew. I could move of the island and get an apartment and a job. But I haven�t worked a single day in my life. Burger King is just about the only place that would hire me.�
�What about reapplying to college?�
�I�ve been thinking about that too,� Kevin said. �But my folks aren�t willing to pay for it anymore. They say that it�s a bad investment.� Kevin paused for a moment, his walk slowing down a bit too. �That�s what I am to them, an investment.�
�They should have consulted a broker before conceiving you,� Lazarus joked.
�Really. So, I�m pretty much screwed. The one place I don�t want to be is the one place that I�m stuck. Why is life always that way?� Kevin asked.
�I really don�t know, Kevin. I really don�t know.�
�If I could just get my stuff read by someone, then maybe I could make enough money to get off this damn rock,� Kevin said.
�But we both know how that is,� Lazarus said. �To get your stuff listened to, or read, you need an agent. But to get an agent you need your stuff recorded, or published.�
�It�s a cruel, heartless world,� Kevin said.
They both agreed to that and went on walking in silence for a while. After a few minutes they were down front again. They watched as a boat heading for Portland left the dock.
�Man, I wish I was going on that boat,� Kevin said.
�Yeah, and taking that ride for the last time.�
�Guess it�s too late now.�
�Fear not my friend,� Lazarus said. �There will be other boats, and one day we will take that last trip to town.�
�God I hope so. Imagine being stuck here for your whole life. Man, you�d have to become a fisherman or something,� Kevin said.
�Yeah, and you�d have to really work too.�
They laughed together again and then turned away from the departing boat. They turned up the hill for the second time that night and began the last leg of their journey.
�You know,� Lazarus said, �if I become famous and rich, I plan on buying this island, kicking everyone off and demolishing all the buildings.�
�That may be too much of a good thing,� Kevin said.
�Well, I�d leave the store and the restaurant. Of course I would build my own house and studio. Start my own label and have the headquarters here on the island.�
�It�s gonna hurt when you come out of that dream and realize that it hasn�t happened yet,� Kevin said.
�Ouch, man. That stung.�
�Sorry.�
�So, I guess we�re just a couple of renegade artists living on an artless rock. Dreaming big dreams, doing big nothings,� Lazarus said.
�Sounds about right to me.�
�We�re pathetic.�
�Yes, but we do it with style,� Kevin said.
They walked for a while, both bathing in their dreams and losses. Hoping for much, but doing nothing about it. They stopped when they found themselves standing in front of their houses once more.
�Well, I guess it�s time for you to face your folks,� Kevin said. �You sure your sister isn�t here?�
�Yes, Kevin. I�m positive,� Lazarus said.
Lazarus picked up his stuff and started walking toward his door. He stopped short of it and walked back to Kevin.
�Listen,� he said,� I�ve been thinking. When I go back, in the fall, I�m planning on moving off campus and renting an apartment. Why don�t you move in with me?�
�And what will I do?� Kevin asked.
�We�ll split the rent. You might have to pick up that job at Burger King, but so what. We�ll get serious about our dreams. I�ll continue to go to school, but make music my top priority. I�ve read a lot of your shit, and personally I think your poems would make great lyrics.�
�Really?� Kevin asked.
�Yes, I do. I�ll get a band together and you can be our lyricist. That way both of our shit will be heard at the same time. Maybe we can do together what we can�t do separately.�
�You know what, Lazarus?� Kevin didn�t wait for him to answer. �I think I�ll take up on that.�
�Sweet,� Lazarus said.
�Same thing tomorrow?�
�Yeah,� Lazarus said, �see you then.�