Random Access Memory

Let me look back on the things that I have missed, on the things that I have done and all the decisions and repercussions that have been created.

            Why must people suffer, why is there always pain? Is it there to make us better or is it there to make us break?  I’ve never really wanted to be part of this cycle called “life”, but then I can feel that my walls are breaking apart… I’m falling, I cannot keep this up. I fear that one day this mask will fall and my life will break. Not knowing how to act, not knowing how to think. Blood is the life of the body, while tears are the blood of the soul. Will I ever see the light? Or will I just be consumed in this darkness? Who will be there to help me? Who will be there to save? Everyone just leaves me here, knowing not the day.

I try to find some comic relief by cutting through my skin, the blood and tears all flow together washing away all my fears. Can you see these scars? Pain is all I ever get, without pain one cannot move on. But still when there is no pain one is in oblivion. Agony and hurt is what I truly feel. No one would bother even if these wounds would not heal. Depression and failure is my only light. No one would really care even if I died. After all the life I lead is only one on-line… no one knows my true face and how I hurt inside. When the pain and hurt all fades away I will just find more ways to hurt myself again so that I will know that I am alive.

            Am I just assuring myself so that I will know that I am all right, or am I just lost in this turmoil? Death is just another adventure while dying is the end. Am I such a fool to believe that life would never end? They said that time would heal all wounds, but yet it has just made mine worsen. Pain is another double-edged sword that would harm yet heal. Let me fall into the abyss filled with blessed tormenting silence… When will it come? How long does it take for me to break? I am sitting here all alone in this ebony night waiting for this thumping to stop, so rhythmic and constant it is, how silent it would get when it all fades. Does one’s life really matter? After all everyone would forget…

            Where is my angel, with wings of everlasting white? Why does she cry in the darkness and loneliness of the night? Should I be there to comfort her? I know it’s not all right, that she hurts this way for me all through the night. But who am I to comfort her? She deserves better than me. Her tears pierce through my heart even sharper than the coldest blade of steel. So gentle and warm is her caress, how cold I must feel. Will I ever feel like she does? Will I ever have the right to hold her, to comfort her? Or will I be forever lost in this land of misery?

~The End~