Humour

Humour And Jokes

This page is just here to provide a little bit of light-hearted humour and to relieve some stress, even if for just one second. I find this kind of humour funny, but I realise that some people are very easily offended. I apologise in advance for anyone who may find these jokes offensive - they are not meant to be. If you think you may be one of these people, please just leave this page now, by clicking here.

The Psychiatric Hotline

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the like until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully. The voices will tell you which number to press.

If you are borderline, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.

If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.

Otherwise Enjoy.

To Site Map

"Incontinence Hotline... Can you hold, Please?"

One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.

Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

Two men are in a hot air balloon. They drift into a dense cloud bank and are stuck there for hours. Finally as they emerge they look around at the ground below in hopes of figuring out their location. They see a man in a garden and shout down at him.

"Hello down there! Can you tell us where we are?"

The man below replies, "You're in a hot-air balloon."

The first man looks at his partner and comments, "Just our luck, a psychologist."

His partner asks, "Why do you say he's a psychologist?"

The first man answers, "Well, what he said was obviously true, but it didn't help at all."

How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

* Just One. And his mother.
* None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
* "How many do you think it takes?"
* Why can't it be happy the way it is?
* "How long have you been having this fantasy?"
* Just one, but it takes nine visits.

Visualisation for Stress Management

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant suprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop! Back under they go... You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now... feeling better?

Honestly, That's What Happened!!...

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.

* Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven't got.

* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intention.

* I thought my window was open, but I found it wasn't when I put my bloody head through it!

* I collided with a stationary car coming in the other direction.

* The bloke was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

* As I approached the junction a sign suddenly appeared where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.

* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck mine and vanished.

* I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.

* I was sure that the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

* The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

* I saw a slow moving, sad faced, old gentleman as he bounced off the bonnet of my car.

* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a field by some stray cows.

* In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached a junction a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

* I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.