Bruce Wayne, wearing an Armani suit, is followed by a bunch of his employees. They all start talking to him and interrupting him, but his short temper fires up,
"Stop!" he yells, they all stop because he owns them and if they didn't listen they'd be lynched.
"Okay, I want you to just stand there for 15 seconds, so I can leave you there and compliment myself." They all nod without question, and he walks out, leaving them there. No doubt one of them wants him dead.
Fred Stickley, a budget-obssesed plant manager leads Bruce and a Junior ExecutiveBitch, on a tour around some stuff... What Wayne Enterprises does exactly, is uncertain.
"Your weekly inspections turn me on." Stickley says with a grin. Bruce replies with a smile,
"Really?"
That doesn't spark any suspicion about Bruce's relationship with his employees. None whatsoever.
Edward E. Nygma, jittery and slightly obssesed with Bruce stares at a screen and talks to himself. Note: His name was cleverly devised by using the word "Enigma," where they take the first initial, "E," and make it his middle initial and also making the remaining letters, "Nigma", his last name, but with a twist. They changed it the "i" to "y".
"We can go to the house and make love on the couch. He'll definitely throw a party for me." Suddenly, he slams his head against the desk-top. Honestly, I broke out in laughter to the point of tearing because of the random infliction of pain. But then, he pulls his head away and he's unharmed. My laughter dies with dissapointment.
"Idiot! I should've rented a tux! Wait, I could probably borrow one from Bruce, we're about the same size."
What he truly meant is unknown, maybe he really meant he was gonna use an extra tux. Maybe he didn't. I honestly am unsure. But the next few frames answer everything that Edward here has said. The wall is covered inch-by-inch with clippings and photos of Bruce Wayne. Enough said.
"Oh my gawd! It's God!"
Bruce Wayne slowly makes his way around the slaves. Stickley notices Ed and passionately grasps Bruce's elbow to guide him away from Ed. Stickleys jealousy burns more then Ed's love for Bruce. Edward walks right up to Bruce and stares at Bruce inches away.
"Mr...?" Bruce asks.
"Bruce Wayne. In the flesh."
"That's me, ass. Who are you?"
"Nygma. Edward Nygma." Saying it all Bond-like. "You hired me as a stalker. I tell everyone you're my one-and-only." He's still shaking hands with Bruce. I wonder why.
"I'm gonna need my hand back, Edster"
"Oh yeah, of course. It's just that....that was the first time I've made physical contact with you let alone another human being."
"....right..so, what's on your mind?"
"Precisimally. What's on all our minds?" We take a moment to realize that everyone around Bruce is thinking of him. "Brainwaves. The future of Wayne Enterprises is Brainwaves."
Stickley turns back to Bruce, "I must apologize, Mr. Wayne, he's supposed to be in his cage."
Nygma, ignoring Stickley, says,"Let me ask you something, Brucey. What is man's greatest tool?"
Bruce thinks to himself, "Well, MY greatest tool would be the Batmobile and the 300-pound skin-tight rubber outfit equipped with it's own utility belt..."
Before he finishes, Ed rambles on about T.V.'s and brainwaves, nobody actually cares. It seems Bruce listened to the whole thing, but acutally he perfected sleeping with his eyes open. But his batty-senses notice the Bat Signal. So he slaps Ed unconciously and struts off to his office.
"Sorry Ed, your invention raises too many question marks. I'm saying this because just in case you become a villian, you could use a question mark as your emblem."
Amazingly, Bruce's entire office responds to simple common words, such as "Lock" and "Capsule". Brucey falls through a hole into a capsule that goes millions of miles per hour to his underground cave. He must've killed the architect that built this building because nobody seems to know about it. His man-slave, Alfred, pops up on a screen and says everything is ready. Bruce, who miraculously was not crushed into a small mass of flesh by the rate of speed, arrives in his cave.
The uber-dramatic "dress-up" scene shows, and then he skips over to his Batmobile, and rides through tunnels into a forest.
The scene cuts over to "Thug 1" and he's warning his boss that the Bat is coming. Harvey Dent, flips a coin a couple of times then starts flirting with the chubby guard.
"Which do you like better, winged beasts or the permanently acidically-scarred?"
"Honestly, I like-"
"Shut up! It's time for my obsessive-coin tossing habit to kick in. This is going to decide what I do with you, and everything else that happens in the near future."
"Don't kill me, I have family"
"...See, this is what I hate about hostages. They tell me their life's story, "Oh, I have family," or "Please I have 6 grandchildren." Look at me. Does it seem like I care?!"
"Um...well... the side of your face that's not mutilated seems too have a generous persona."
Two-Face thinks the same, so folds his jacket into a pillow and places it under the guards head.
"Are you comfortable? Can we get you a sandwich, or maybe a cut of tonight's haul?"
Thug 2 is obviously is getting the lowest amount because he starts arguing with Two-Face. Which is a big mistake. Two-Face lunges his hand at him.
"Did we ask for your opinion? If you want to live, then be kiss-ass."
Commisioner Gordon waits patiently for Batman to make a big entrance because Batman obviously is a flamboyant asshole. Next to him a professionally beautiful woman, Dr. Chase Meridian, also waits. The Bat-Signal is suddenly blocked out by the shape of something. We aren't pleased, but it's Batman. He lands in front of Chase and stares into her eyes.
"Hot entrance." Chase says, clearly she is turned on by guys in skin-tight outfits. I'm unsure of whether that includes Richard Simmons, but that's neither here or there. Anyway, Batman turns to the commisioner, ignoring Chase, and talks about business. Chase innocently takes a peek under his cape.
"Two-Face?"
"Two guards are dead, he's holding a third. Didn't see this one coming."
Chase intervenes to show everyone that she is smart.
"Two million dollars is waiting to be transferred. How could Two-Face resist? I mean, you idiots basically set it up for him to steal it! What's wrong with you!?"
Every man standing there obviously wants to pull their gun out of the holster and shoot her. Batman suddenly has a taste for this woman.
"And you are?"
"Chase Meridian." She offers him her ass instead of her hand.
"You specialize in a bunch of crap, I read it a while ago."
"Oh, I'm flattered. It's not every day that a girl falls in love with a man that dresses like a rodent."
"Bats aren't rodents, dumbass." Chase drops her smile, she recovers though. Quite well too.
"See, I didn't know that. You ARE interesting."
"You need to get out more." Batman replies.
"I know. And call me Chase. Should I call you "Batty-Watty.""
"Children, stop flirting. We have work to do." Gordon is jealous that Batman isn't flirting with him this time. I'm not surprised.
Two-Face checks his watch and a wrecking ball knocks down some blocks of foam. He then attaches the safe is to a thingy. The elevator dings and everyone turns around and shoots blindly into an empty elevator. Batty jumps in, again with the showy entrance, and then a S.W.A.T. team follows. Two-Face is pissed and throws down a smoke-grenade. Batman chases after them, then a crappy action scene takes place, something about the vault and acid and that kind of nonsense. Batman then does something clearly beyond human understanding and defies all laws of physics by swinging the safe back into the hole that Two-Face(I'm calling him TF now) pulled it out of. Batman is left hanging on a chain while TF pilots the helicopter into a couple of signs. He leaves the thug to pilot it then checks the chain. TF isn't smart enough to just release the chain, and instead risks his life to try to kill Batman. He thinks he's defeated Batman.
"Ah, finally rid of the pointy eared, steroid eating, rubber suited, cross dressing, night rat..."
The windsheild is suddenly covered by a cape of some sort by God knows who. It definitely isn't Batman, because how can the hero miraculously survive life-threatening situations and suddenly appear somewhere completely different. It just isn't possible. TF doesn't think twice and shoots his thug and the windshild, where Batmans CAPE is. Not Batman himself. (I'll call him BM now) After TF regains control of the chopper, BM uses his unnatural strength to slam his fist through a window, which I may add, is made strong enough to withstand pressure miles above the ground, and hits TF.
"Give up." BM says all hero-like.
"Are you stupid, what self-respecting villian would give up, honestly?"
"I don't want to kill you."
"Pft."
TF locks the controls and the heli collides into Lady Gotham, Batman starts falling, then a flashback starts. Two shots are fired, some roses fall then a boy runs in a storm holding onto a book and then falls through a chute to a cave where a big bat flies toward him. This obviously sparks the idea to make the cave an underground base and to don a costume resembling the big bat that probably gives him nightmares. This is the general birth of a super-hero. The flashback ends and Batman plummets into the water. He eventually breaks the surface and looks at what happened to Lady Gotham.
Now we are taken to Wayne Enterprises. Nygma is hunched over his desk.
"Too many questions, too many questions. I'll show you!!" He shakes his fist in the air.
"What are you doing here?! Your project is terminated, I'm calling security." Stickley yells. Nygma grabs the nearest object, which is a coffee pot, and cracks Stickley in the head. The writers obviously had to put in a pun to show that they have a humorous side.
"Caffiene'll kill you."
Stickley wakes up tied up in a chair. How someone as skinny as Nygma got him onto the chair is beyond me. Nygma places some head thing that was looks as if it built in his garage even though he had funding from a multi-million dollar company. A small television set airing a fishing show is hooked up to Nygma's oh-so-attractive head thing.
"This won't hurt at all. I think..."
"Don't press it then, assh-"
Nygma proceeds to turn it on and the contraptions are connected by a green beam. The TV suddenly starts to have a spasm so Nygma increases the power, and Nygma is suddenly turned on, probably for the first time. Maybe not, we're still unsure about what his fantasies with Brucey are. The machine shuts down and then Nygma is now insane. He starts talking in different personalities for about ten minutes. Then Stickley yells, "You're fired...FIRED!!!"
"I don't think so."
Eddy kicks the chair and Stickley goes flying down the hallway, the head thing still attached to his head. The cable runs out and he's barely hanging on the edge. Nygma suddenly changes personality and screams,
"Oh my gawd!! What have I done?!?!?!" He then sprints over to Stickley and hugs him.
"I'm sorry, I forgot to take this off." And pulls the head equipment off of Stickley, sending him into a watery abyss below. I do recall Wayne Enterprises was located in the middle of an over-populated city. How they managed to fit a huge dam here makes me suspicious. Edward then proceeds to cut out magazines to make an anonymous letter with his fingerprints all over it to send to Mr. Bruce Wayne.
"What about you Wayne? There are too many questions about you. How you're so rich, so successful? Or how about you conveniently have business to do outside of your already busy organiztion when the Batsignal shows up?"
While Nygma toils over his letter, Bruce is having nightmares about his childhood. It's the same as the flashback with slightly more details. Like the texture of the book is more clear, and how the bat has his fangs showing. He then wakes up with Alfred in his room opening the curtains.
"Dreams again, sir?"
"Yeah, I think they're getting more detailed. I can almost remember why I decided why to make a rabid bat-infested cave my underground base."
"I still dont' know why. Oh and the commisioner called, there's been an accident."
Gordon can't figure out why Stickley killed himself. Because he definitely wasn't thrown out the window while tied to a chair. Bruce then heads to his office with his secretary, Margaret, following too close behind.
"People want to know who you're taking to the circus. That's all they ever talk about. I just hope someone doesn't get obssesed and start posting your pictures and newspaper clippings of you on a wall."
Bruce notices an envelope on his desk.
"What the fuck is this?"
Margaret stops looking at Brucey's ass.
"What? Huh? No, I wasn't looking at your ass."
"There's no stamp or anything."
"OH, the envelope..."
Bruce opens the letter and it's a picture of his head with letters from magazines and newspapers. On it, it says, "-Signed- The Riddler."
"The Riddler? Why can't anyone in this town have a normal name?"
We take a moment to absorb what Bruce Wayne, who is secretly costumed beast named BATMAN. His name "BATMAN" is normal, why? Because it is orginal, in the sense that it's exactly what it is. A man, in a Bat suit. But the Riddler is weird, because he makes Riddles. Hm. Back to the movie.
Bruce then watches a talk show that argues whether Batman is a criminal or a crime fighter. Chase compliments Batman which makes Bruce happy. Then it pans over to Two-Face's ...house. It's a room split into two halves. Black and White. He slaps his black whore and then caresses his white whore.
We go to Bruce's home. He's checking out pictures of Chase. Alfred is suspicious that Bruce might stop flirting with guys, then hands him another envelope, which has more of Nygma's fingerprints.
Bruce visits Chase's place, but as he approaches her door, he hears her yelling, so with his hero-like insticnts he thinks she's being attacked. So he charges at her door, which is three times his size, and completely sends it flying. She stops hitting a punching bag and wonders why a billionaire is busting down her door. He apologizes then picks up the door and pushes it back in place. The prop department made sure the door was big so it seemed like Bruce was strong and at the same time made sure it didn't come cowering down and flattening him. Bruce then continues to baffle her with his flirting remarks, but she is unphased.
"Somebody's been sending me love letters."
"Are you trying to flirt with me?"
"Hee Hee, no, I'm just simply saying that someone's been sending me letters by the name, "Riddler""
"...Right..well it seems it's sent by a total wacko."
"Wacko? Is that a technical term?"
"Patient apparently suffering from an obssesive disorder with homicidal potential."
"So, you're saying he's a total wacko."
"Shut the fuck up."
Bruce looks over at a rorschach (ink blots that people look at to determine what they see), and says,
"You have a thing for bats?"
"No, that's an ink blot. If people have a thing for bats they see a bat. So, I'm not going to take into account that this city's hero is Batman, and the coincidence that you see a bat in a rorschach."
"Ok, just as long as you don't think I'm Batman, cause that's just crazy. But anyway, you think Riddler is obssesed?"
"Do you know anything about obssesion?"
"Nope. Not a thing."
"Obssesion is born of fear. If say...a BAT has scared the shit out of you, then you're permanently scarred by a bat."
"Never seen a bat in my life, well, except for that one." as he points to the rorschach.
"This Riddler is probably obssesed with you, so to escape that he'll have to..."
"Kill me. So if I kill a bat, then I'll escape my obssesion?"
"Smartass."
"So, babe, want to get out of those clothes?"
"Excuse me?!"
"To get into a black dress, and go to the circus?"
"I'll just smile to that so it'll seem like I'm mad that you just said too many pick-up lines."
We're now at the circus where the RingMaster introduces the Graysons. They do a couple of tricks and then Bruce continues to constantly flirt with Chase. The RingMaster now introduces the finale. "The youngest Grayson, Dick, will now perform the Quadruple Undertuck Parallel Super Duper Somersault!!! But, without the safety of the Net of Foreshadowing!"
The crowd gasps as clowns take down the net, and Dick swings on a guywire. He then prepares to do the QUPSDS! He does it but as he goes down, a dramatic slow motion scene takes place as his father reaches out to catch him, then the crowd goes wild. The RingMaster is attacked and then the new one comes out.
"I'm going rock climbing, wanna come?"
"I met a guy and he's hot."
"Me?"
"No."
"Oh."
The new RingMaster raises his head, revealing Two-Face.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I want your attention. There's a new act called, "Massacre Under the Big Top.""
Thugs all around start shooting randomly and Two-Face draws their attention to the big bomb.
"I want BM. There's many rich people here, maybe one of you know him, or maybe one of you is Batman."
Bruce doesn't want to risk lives for a secret, so stands up and shouts,
"Harvey, I'm BATMAN! I'm BATMAN!"
The crowd is too loud, so Two-Face doesn't hear him, and neither does the people around him. Bruce's hero-instincts kick in again, so he leaves Chase there and runs around the circus knocking out some Thugs.
The Graysons want to be heroes too and try to save the circus. They're already halfway to being a hero, with those tight suits. They make the youngest go ahead to the bomb in case the three of them are too slow. This process is what I like to call, "The Perfect Setup To Kill The Family And Let The Youngest and Future Hero Live." Dick has gotten the huge bomb over his shoulders and thrown it into the bay where it explodes and doesn't kill anyone. Bruce makes his way to the center where Two-Face shoots the rest of the Graysons down. Bruce is helpless and doesn't catch them while Two-Face slips out a trapdoor. Dick is above and sees that Bruce sucks and didn't save his parents.
"It was might nice of you to let him stay, Bruce." Commionsioner Gordon says.
"It's no problem, I like to make it just right so then in the future he can become my sidekick." Mumbles Bruce.
"What was that?"
"Uh...I said, It's no problem, I'd like to make it right so that there is a future for Dick."
Bruce walks over to Dick as he rolls his eyes at Gordon. Alfred greets Dick.
"Welcome, Master Grayson. I'm Alfred."
"How ya doin', Al? Big house."
Bruce comes over and intervenes.
"Of course it is, when you're rich like me, you don't only spend it only high-tech equipment to supply your secret superhero accesories."
Luckily, Dick already walked out and missed every word he said.
"I'm leaving, I figured if I said I'd stay here, I wouldn't have to run into more paperwork."
"Well, it's good you know how to deceive people." Bruce answers.
"All I want is revenge on Two-Face."
"That's not going to work."
"Sure it will."
Bruce is in a room by himself and he gets hallucinations. He snaps out of it when he see the Batsignal. He drives his Batmobile into the city and walks around the Batsignal.
"Commisioner...?"
"He's home, I turned it on." Chase says as she walks out from behind the Batsignal.
"You mean you turned me on?"
"It was implied."
"So, what's wrong?"
"I noticed last night, at the circus-"
"Oh shit.. she knows I'm Batman." He thinks.
"-that Two-Face is obssesed with justice."
"You bitch, I already knew that."
"Ok, well, I also wanted to see you. I get turned on by black rubber." She presses her fingers against the hard rubber.
Commisioner Gordon comes storming in.
"What happened? I saw the signal."
"You along with the other 5 million people in this city." Says Chase.
Batman jumps off the edge and into his car. I guess that the thick rubber suit makes a 500-foot drop seem like nothing.
We are taken to Two-Face's place where he's pissed that he didn't blow up the circus. Suddenly a shadow appears in TF's home. Introduced as, The Riddler, he is secretly Edward Nygma, which only the audience can figure out, because they're the only ones that knows he exists.
"You want to kill Batman, huh?"
"Yes."
"Then join me."
"Ok."