Perhaps we should go back in time to see how our hero got into this mess.
“It seems that your great plan has failed dismally, Mr. Goofy.”
Osama bin Laden reached down into his desk and pulled out a very well-polished Tommy gun.
Uh, maybe a little further back…
Inspector McFarlane looked down at her number one agent and sighed.
“Are you sure that you are ready for another mission so soon after saving the world the last time, Samuel?”
“Please, call me Sam.”
“Very well. So, are you ready?”
“I am always ready to serve my Queen and Country, with Daffy,” his sidekick’s foot made contact with his leg, “uhh, I mean Private Daffy at my side.”
“In that case, here is your mission brief,” said Inspector McFarlane handing over a document with the words TOP SECRET written all over it. “This latest assignment will take you to the newly liberated country of Iraq, where you will prevent Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden from carrying out their latest diabolical scheme. The fate of the whole world as we know it may indeed rest in your very able hands. Perhaps this time you will go to Tu too, to receive the latest gadgets he has to offer?”
“You know me, Inspector – I don’t believe that technology can take the place of the human mind.”
“Very well, Samuel, good luck.”
One very quick week later the pair of secret agents stood on the hot tarmac of Baghdad airport. A shamal was bathing the city in a dusty mist. American troops were patrolling the runway, perspiration soaking their otherwise immaculate army uniforms.
“You do know why we are here, Daffy?” asked Agent Sam Goofy who continued on without even waiting for a reply. “We are here on an urgent mission to save the world. Again.
“After losing the War on Terror in Afghanistan and the Second Gulf War in Iraq, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein took refuge in the caves of Syria. There they forged an alliance and declared a ‘Holy Armageddon’ on the whole western world. This is the ultimate Ji-had. We are here to prevent them from carrying this out.”
“That’s all very well to say but how are we going to go about doing that?”
“Aha! That is not all. Al-Karh Afar Lanesh is a wannabe terrorist who is out to make a name for himself. He is getting old and the Inspector along with others at MI-6 believe that he will seize this opportunity to undermine what Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are planning and then carry it out for himself. We must watch out for him and expect the unexpected”
“OK, so where are we going to start?”
“Ummm, to tell you the truth I have no id…” Goofy jumped to the ground and pulled his colleague with him. Overhead, a statue of Allah doing something extremely holy shattered. From behind him, Goofy heard someone curse in Arabic.
“COVER ME!’ Screamed Agent Goofy as he pulled out a handgun (standard edition, MI-6) and sprinted to where the voice had come from, ducking in and out of statues of various Muhammads.
Another bullet pinged off the masonry next to his head. He turned and in one quick movement he fired a shot with perfect precision and the would-be assassin fell to the ground, stone dead.
“Did you observe that brilliant piece of evasion, Daffy?” asked Goofy, brushing down his now-immaculate black suit. “Daffy? DAFFY?” Agent Goofy looked around for his sidekick.
He turned around and felt, before falling to the ground unconscious, a fist make contact with his face.
* * * * *
Sam Goofy opened his eyes slowly. Everything was a blur. He felt someone grab hold of the front of his jacket. Then he felt a moving sensation.
Agent Goofy’s body smashed off the polished steel wall and crunched painfully as it fell onto the hard, cold floor. He lifted up his blood-covered face to gaze with hatred at the faces of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, grinning evilly down at him.
He heard the all too familiar thump as the now limp body of Edward Daffy hit the floor beside him. The groans of Al-Karh Afar Lanesh reached his ears from beside him.
“It seems that your great plan has failed dismally, Mr. Goofy.”
Osama bin Laden reached down into his desk and pulled out a very well-polished Tommy gun and smirked slyly at the three figures on the ground.
“Now your lives will end prematurely.” Osama bin Laden tensed his finger on the trigger, getting ready to shoot.
“Hey,” interjected Saddam Hussein, “why do you get to shoot them? I should be the one to – they’ve ruined many of my operations before.”
“Yes, but I am the brains of this outfit – you are just supplying me with manpower.”
“You are nothing but a stupid old man!”
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
Unbeknown to the squabbling terrorists, Agent Goofy had very quietly opened a small hatch in the heel of his shoe, taken out a multi-purpose Swiss Army knife from the compartment inside and had swiftly, but quietly, crept over to the large steel door of the room he was imprisoned in. He began to pick the lock.
It was hard and difficult work. Sweat poured from his forehead, as his fingers fumbled in his haste. From the floor beside him he could see his partner begin to move. Daffy groaned and rubbed the large lump on his forehead.
Sam Goofy glanced up at his captors and prayed that they would not hear either of them over their bickering. Click! The door opened. He threw down the knife. Charles beckoned to Daffy. The pair quickly left.
Not long after they closed the door behind them, they heard two gunshots.
“Poor Al-Karh, what a horrible way to die.” Said Daffy solemnly, shaking his head.
“No,” said goofy, thinking hard. “That gunshot did not sound like the Tommy gun which bin Laden had. It reminded me more of the…” Goofy was interrupted by the sound of someone cocking a gun from behind him.
“Turn slowly round and not hurt you will be.” Goofy could identify that horrible misuse of grammar anywhere.
“Al-Karh Afar Lanesh!”
“Very good, Mr. Sam! I’m impressed.” In Al-Karh’s hand was Goofy’s Swiss Army knife, but instead of the lock-picking utensil, the .22 was out.
“Arghh! I forgot that there was a gun in my knife!”
“Stupid you are.”
“Well, there are over 250 different gadgets.”
“Tried most of them I did on the way to finding gun.”
“Hold it right there!” came the unmistakable voice of Inspector McFarlane.
“You… What? NOOOOO! Defeated again I cannot be! How get here so fast did you?”
“Simple,” replied Inspector McFarlane with the slightest of smirks. “On that very knife that you stole…”
“Found!”
“Whatever. On Goofy’s knife there was a electronic flare that he was informed to press when in moments of difficulty…”
“So that was what that button did! Mraaghhh!”
“It was fortunate that I happened to be on my was to Iraq when you pressed it. I then came straight here. Take him away boys!” Hordes of MI-6 grunt men rushed towards the unfortunate terrorist and pulled him roughly out of the building.
“The last of me you have not heard, Goofy!” he screamed.
N turned to Agent Sam Goofy and put a hand on his shoulder. “Another case successfully solved, Goofy. I knew I was right to put my trust in you.”
“I must admit.” Said Goofy, “I had a bit of help from you.”
“You always do, Sam. You always do.”