I suddenly became aware that I was hungrier than a super model on hunger strike. I was no stranger from taking my place in the buffet line of a back alley, using a dustbin lid as a tray, yet I still had a few smelly, turning brown, crinkled up bucks left on me so I still had an option as to whether my meal was to be brand new, rather than second hand - or rather, second mouthed.
Much to my dismay the first place I came across made the back alley seem more appealing. Had it not been for the few and far between patches on the windows that were devoid of grime then I would never have considered this place to be an establishment that catered for grub - for salmonella maybe, but for grub - urr uh! Before entering I looked left and right along the street. My stomach gave another sad rumble. Unfortunately there didn�t appear to be any obvious alternatives. I pushed on through. Going off what it looked like from the outside I was ready when the rancid pong hit me full in the face like a well-aimed right hook. As a result of preparing myself for it I only stumbled slightly, instead of being flat on my back like I would have been had I not expected it. Even the bell that rang above my head sounded remarkably like a splutter.
I straightened up and looked around. There was five prime examples of how tables should not be set. I was no hygienist but I knew having a real, live beaver roaming on top of one table and what appeared to be someone�s dirty washing on another was not the optimum way to attract customers who cared whether they came down with a bout of food poisoning.
I sat my tired and aching legs at the table closest the door, one of the three that was neither occupied by a bored-looking beaver or a pile of scraggy rags. Half hoping that no one came to take my order and this was just a rundown, derelict building (as it was doing a really impressive impression of being) instead of a dining hall, I took in my surroundings with more concentration.
The wallpaper was peeling almost at the top of every strip and was the same shade as a smoker�s fingernails. To find an unmarked patch on the hard-surfaced floor would be nothing short of a miracle. Apart from the five tables, each housing four chairs (which looked ready to snap if a person broke wind too energetically), the only other bits of worthy mention making up this dingy establishment was an empty counter behind which stood a stained door, with a rusty handle.
My spirits began to rise after I had completed my evaluation of the room and still there hadn�t been sign nor sound that this place was actually occupied. The only reason I hadn�t left sooner was that I didn�t want to be spotted making a run for the door, and have to see the dejected look of the person who knew they had just lost some custom, of which, going off the surroundings, they were in desperate need of.
It was at that point of increasing well-being that the door suddenly sprang open. A cloud of smoke proceeded a heavily built woman (or saw I thought - it was an iffy sixty/forty whether she was female or not) who eyed me like I was the animal and not the beaver. It wasn�t due to the couldn�t-stand-seeing-the-dejected-look-of-the-person-who-knew-they-had-just-lost-some-custom that kept me seated now; it was the fact that this thing looked like she could do a lot of damage without really trying if caught me making a run for it.
Her footsteps shook the ground as she approached, still eyeing me as if I was the remainder of a rodent that hadn�t survived the crossing of a busy road. I should imagine that if I had been she would have shovelled me off the ground and slapped me on the menu. I tried to smile at her but all that I could manage was a weak grimace.
As she got nearer I was in two minds whether she was going to take my order or squash me where I sat. The odds changed from sixty/forty to fifty-five/forty-five when I was sure I could just make out a stumble occupying her unnaturally square jaw.
�Whajawan�?� she growled.
�Err�� I cleared my throat gingerly. It then occurred to me that I had been too preoccupied feeling nauseous at the scenery that I hadn�t considered what I would like to fill my stomach with. My mouth opened and closed as my mind worked furiously. I probably looked as if I was doing a decent impersonation of a goldfish.
�A hamburger?� I asked unsurely.
�Too early for hamburgers,� she said indifferently.
�Well -� I cleared my throat needlessly. �- what do you recommend?�
She kept that indifferent gaze fixed on me as she said, �A recommen� the house special.�
As stale as the oxygen was in here another fragrance entered my nostrils. It smelt as if I�d just landed in a dust cart. I put the rotting pong down to my imagination as I let my mind stray in the direction of where my next port of call should be on leaving here.Asking, �Which is?� would have been a wise move. Instead I nodded feebly as a confirmation. Turning, she presented a pair of swelling calves that wouldn�t have looked out of place on any county football star.
The dingy door hinged upon the dingy doorframe situated in the centre of the dingy wall banged to. The sigh I let out sounded like a whistling kettle. Maybe it wouldn�t be that bad, I thought, which was like thinking maybe a jump out of an airplane without no parachute wouldn�t hurt.
Suddenly, something rubbed against my leg causing me to break the Olympic high jump record from a sitting position. . I shouted in surprise and shot to my feet using my chair in a manner normally adopted by lion tamers, as if waiting for a fanged beast to come charging at me any second - which wouldn�t have shocked me in the slightest; I�d already seen one beast in here, having just taken my order.