/sy-ky-�tri/ n. the study and treatment of mental disease. [from Greek psukh� �soul� + iatreia �healing�]
This definition is correct in its simplicity to a certain extent, except it is like saying that a fireman�s job consists of purely putting out fires. Again, accurate in its straightforwardness. Even though the above definition is spot on it still only applies to certain practitioners of psychiatry - psychiatrists in other words. Like Doctor Klaus Krohl. For, Doctor Klaus Krohl, German by nationality, Christian by faith, considered the above definition to be, quite simply, nonsense. He hadn�t studied and treated mental disease (at the same time) since the late eighties. True, he had studied, but some, if not all, of those cases were beyond treating and the only mental diseases that he had treated had been as genuine as the Loch Ness monster. It was simple. Two classes of clients. Nutballs and Moaning Minnies. Nutballs couldn�t be treated, and Moaning Minnies couldn�t be studied.
There was rarely a happy medium.
�Tell me about sis dream,� Doctor Krohl pressed.
�It always starts the same way, see? I�m stood naked on the centre circle of Old Trafford -�
Trying not to visualise the scene Krohl hid his revulsion behind a well-timed scratch of his nose and waited for the person occupying his black, leather couch to continue.
�- and then, next thing� I�m�� His client faltered.
�Go on,� pushed the soft, German accent of Doctor Krohl.
�I�m being chased by big bird, you know, out of Sesami -�
�Yah, I is knowing who Big Bird is.�
�Yeah, anyway�� Krohl�s client shifted a little. ��I�m then swimming through a pool of polo mints - well they might be extra strong mints, as they�re a bit bigger than polo mints but still have a hole -� he made a circle shape joining his thumb and forefinger at the tips.
�I am sure se distinction is not oserly important at sis stage.�
�Right.� Krohl�s client abruptly gave his never-regions a good jostle before carrying on. �Well, Big Bird has turned into one of those ghost things off Pacman - you know, the computer game - though I can�t be sure if it�s Pinky or Blinky - they�re similar, see, coz one of them�s pink and the other�s red.� His voice died away, which was most probably down to the patronizing - in part pitiful - smile that Krohl was offering him.
�How often do you has sis dream?� Dr Krohl enquired. How often had he asked this question was probably a more remarkable query. Awaiting his client�s response he let his mind stray back to the guidelines received during his tuition. Remind them of their last visit, (or introduce yourself, giving your qualifications - in Dr Krohl�s case that was the German equivalent to a BA (Hons) Degree in Psychology received from the Ludwig-Maximilians University, Munich back in seventy-three - if it was their first session) ask for an update of their condition, receive the news (usually unpleasant, embarrassing, tearful, pitiful, strange, or sometimes all and then some), question them in more depth about what they had just told, describe the plan of what they should do before their next appointment. Basic psychiatry. A session didn�t always go like that but most did. Like this one for example.
Talk therapy is the basic feature of the Psychodynamic approach. Through talking techniques such as free-associations, reflecting transference and dream interpreting, the person learns to know himself. Simple, don�t you think?
They were nearing the end of the questioning stage, soon to be moving onto the advice stage and at some point in the last five minutes it had stopped raining. Many countries have rainy seasons but with England there isn�t so much as a rainy season but what seems to be a constant onslaught, thus rendering rain the norm. Why hadn�t I stayed in Germany? Dr Krohl heard himself wonder as his gaze drifted over his notepad and out through the window, believing the cease-fire to be temporary rather than permanent. Dr Krohl�s office was on the fifth floor and looked out across the area of Manchester known as Deansgate. Suits weren�t the only tailor made items around these parts as the luxurious office blocks too were made to agree with the owner�s specification - a nice, snug fit under the arms so to speak.
�About twice� maybe three, I da�no, sometimes four times a week,� chirped his client from the couch.
Krohl�s gaze snapped back like a whip.
�Yah,� Krohl said slowly and nodded in a practiced manner that beckoned the client to continue, whilst at the same time pretending to write something onto his notepad, though preserving the ink in his fountain pen by keeping the nib half a centimetre from the paper. No need, he thought; standard answer. The majority of his questions he had learnt over the years usually triggered a standard answer and the only reason he used a notepad was in case the standard answer wasn�t met. Another - and the most important - reason was that the client liked the trick with the pen and paper, as if their response and the question that had warranted it were both unique and hadn�t been asked and given countless times before.
Most of his client�s were rich celebrities with too much money to spend and so believed that they needed to consult a psychiatrist just because they had a headache. And there, ladies and gentlemen, is your definition of a Moaning Minnie. Krohl had seen this trend grow but had never pointed it out to any of them and was only too happy to charge four hundred and fifty pounds an hour to take a dainty stroll through their childhood with them; he had been advised from a very young age never to bite the hand that feeds you. If these Moaning Minnies were ever to discover Aspirin then Krohl would be ruined.
Sometimes however, there would be serious cases (unprofessionally referred to as Nutballs). Krohl could almost smell a Nutball - thinking of which, he hoped above hope that his next client had cancelled.
His clientele consisted of pop stars, soap stars, TV chefs, fashion gurus, you name it, if they seen the inside the covers of Woman�s Own then they�d probably been inside Krohl�s office.