Straight
30 � 45 yrs old
5�2� or taller
Good Hygiene, must bathe daily and smell yummy
Full set of teeth
185 � 300 lbs (no skinny bones please)
Any Race
Hair/Baldness optional
(except for mullets and �come-overs�- these are unacceptable! if you are going bald, embrace it and shave!)
Close-shaven beards/goatees are considered sexy but not required
(however, if you look like an Appalachian Mountain Man or your beard is collecting lint, forget it!)
ENGLISH is your FIRST language and you can write coherently.
Employed � Do you like your job? Good. �Nuff said.
Education: AA Degree or above
BIG sense of humor � goofiness required, intellectual wit a plus - Comedians encouraged to apply!
Appreciates the Arts & Literature
Sports are good too - but if it rules your life or you are dumb jock, forget it - intellect matters!
Good Communicator � I wont expect mind-reading if you won�t
Possesses Compassion, Patience, Empathy, & Loyalty
Bonus points for pet ownership
Politically Active: Non-voters are cowards
Strong Libido (once a month doesn�t cut it, boys)
HERPES optional �
Got your VALTREX, ACYCLOVIR, ALDARA, or ZOVIRAX, and a pack of condoms?
Then we�re good.
Eclectic Interests � FLEXIBLE
I cherish poetry & Mozart, and find Shakespeare enchanting,
but my inspirado comes from deep within the mind of the super freaks of Tenacious D �
because Jack Black is a GOD (and Kyle is a Demigod)
You should be able to appreciate both high and low brow humor
(My fave is John Stewart: Nice balance of intellectual satire with dumb fart jokes)
The BIG Non-Negotiables:
NO WEIRD FETISHES -
If you have a thing for licking toes while wearing women�s underwear, I�m not your gal
BIGOTRY / Prejudices of any kind are unacceptable (this includes homophobia)
MUST WANT TO BE A DAD /HAVE KIDS-
Either naturally or through adoption (open-minded to both) If you already have kids, you must want more
Capable of discipline and love - no doormats, but no control freaks
FIDELITY -
Monogamy is a must! Cheating is immoral and may cause violence �
Lorena Bobbitt is my hero
NO REPUBLICANS, NO LIARS, NO CRIMINALS
NO DRUGS, NO ADDICTIONS (except for chocolate)
NO RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS
Faith & Spirituality are good � inflexibility and Extremism is not!
NO SEPARATED MEN � divorce papers must be signed and former relationships IN THE PAST
NO LINGERING EX-GIRLFRIENDS/WIVES
NO Mamma�s Boys �
by all means, respect Mamma, but she better not be all in our business
Must live in Baltimore � DC area or willing to relocate
MUST LIKE Voluptuous FULL FIGURES or BBW
NO SHY MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MUST BE OUTRAGEOUSLY OUTGOING AND SOCIAL
NO TEMPER ISSUES � I�m a former kick boxer and I can hit back
*A few Skeletons in your Closet are ok, I have a few bones myself � I have a bone labeled *437737*
-but if you have a whole graveyard, move on.
MUST be emotionally AVAILABLE
MUST appreciate a creative, talented, opinionated, liberal, outgoing; silly woman
MUST have at least ONE Romantic bone in your body!
Must have a life in the real world - if you live online, um, you have my pity, but that's it
NO POSSESIVE or JEALOUS men - get over it.
NO WORK-AHOLICS - you must have TIME to spend with me
MUST like cuddling
MUST like kissing
MUST like public displays of affection - when the time is right
MUST know what you want and willing to do what is necessary to get it
Make choices and stick to them - no wishy washy crap
MUST believe in balance and equality of the sexes
MUST BE ABLE TO EXPRESS EMOTION
MUST be willing to pamper and support me when I need it, but willing to let me return the favor!!!!!
AND. must have the attention span and reading comprehension/ability to have gotten this far - HA HA HA HA!!!!
Ok, almost done....
Still Reading? Wait, don't go....there's more....Ok, here we go -
SEND A PHOTO!
1. Write an Essay (3 paragraphs) describing yourself and why you think you would make a great husband for me. (awwww, come on - have some fun with it!)
2. Answer the following questions:
a. Who inspires you and why?
b. What are you the most proud of?
c. What is your favorite movie and why?
d. What was the last book you read?
e. What is your idea of a great date?
f. Have you thought about the kind of father you would like to be and if so,
what are your views on child rearing and discipline?
g. Who is your favorite comedian?
h. What is your biggest pet peeve or turn-off?
i. What is your biggest turn-on?
j. What is your strongest or most admirable quality?
k. What is your biggest weakness?
l. Have you ever cheated on anyone? (If yes, please explain)
m. Who was your favorite character on Seinfeld?
n. Who was your favorite character on Friends?
o. Who was your favorite character on M*A*S*H?
p. If you could invite ONE male celebrity over for dinner, beer, and a few
rounds of pool, darts, or a card game, who would it be?
BONUS QUESTION #1. You are stranded on a deserted Island. You can only have one woman with you there for rest of your life but you must choose from among the following: Paris Hilton, Kirstie Alley, Janeane Garafolo, Queen Latifah, Jeffiner Lopez, Anna Nicole Smith, Oprah Winfrey, Bette Midler, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Brittney Spears, Monica Lewinsky, Madonna, Susan Sarandon, or Sandra Bullock. Who would you choose and why?
BONUS QUESTION # 2: What does Canadian Yarn Art do?
2. Prove you read the "Who is the Goddess" section by commenting on it and telling me what it is about me that sparked your interest.
3. Include at least 2 Photos: One close-up /head shot, One full body shot
(fully clothed, please � no freaks)
4. Include a contact number along with anything else you think is important, funny, creative, etc...
5. Send all info and pictures to the goddess at [email protected]
6. Extra points for:
a. Complimenting something about this website
b. Making me laugh
c. Writing clearly, coherently, and using proper grammar!
d. Offering to perform a stupid human trick, serenading me, or possessing
some other talent such as art, music, comedy, writing, acting, magic, or
fixing my car.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT:
If you are chosen as a candidate, I will send you an email and picture and if you wish to meet me, we will have a phone chat. If that goes well, we can set up a short meeting in a public place.
After that, if you are interested and I have let you know that it's mutual, the ball will be in YOUR COURT - I will not chase you. We can see where it goes from there. However, if I am not "feelin' it", please respect that and do not stalk me, as I will give you the same respect in return.
WARNING:
I will only contact those who have seriously impressed me and lit a spark.
I will definitely not waste my time answering emails from men who have not included a CLEAR photo, aren't looking for a serious relationship, who don't want kids (or aren't sure), are bigots, just curious, are cruel, or it's simply clear that you have not read though everything.
Try to take it seriously, but not too serious as I love humor and if my humor has not come thru to you - then maybe I'm not for you. I'm doing this to avoid wasting any time - mine or yours. If you do not get a response from me, write back one more time (just in case there was a mistake, virus, etc...) but after that, please let it go.
- John Lennon
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