"No freakin' way!" Soozin blared when she spied the large birds dangling from the bard's strong hands. "Where in the hell did ya find those things?" she asked as Gabrielle came closer. "Hey, old man!" she yelled to Rudy "Lookit what Blondie brought fer us!"
"Holy shit," the elderly sailor mumbled as he took the fowl from the Amazon. "Thanks."
"You're welcome," Gabrielle smiled adorably. Rudy felt his ancient homophobic walls begin to crumble.
What da hell's wrong wit me? he shook the thought from his head. "I don't care if ya are da cutest thing I ever did see," he said aloud. "I still ain't gonna acknowledge yer presence after we leave dis island."
Gabrielle wrinkled her brow as Rudy marched away. "Did I do something to offend him?" she asked Soozin.
"Naw..." Soo drawled. "He just don't like fags."
"Fags?"
"Oh, sorry. Queers." Soozin could be politically correct if she had to.
Gabrielle was still at a loss.
"Ya know..." Soo urged. "Gays, dykes, lezbos."
"Lesbos?" Finally a word the bard recognized. "You mean he doesn't like lesbians?"
"There ya go!" Soo said affirmatively.
"Why not?"
"Because homosexuality is an affront to God er somethin'," replied the truck driver.
Gabrielle snorted. "Oh please! Most of the gods I know sleep with their own siblings, regardless of gender!"
"Well, that might be the case in the screwed-up world you come from, honey, but we ain't in ancient Greece no more."
"No, I guess we aren't, are we?" Gabrielle became thoughtful. "So there are no lesbians in this world?"
"What do I look like, the host of some After School Special or somethin'?" complained Soo. "Yah, we still got folks who are queer and bi. It's just..."
"Bi?" the bard interrupted.
"Sexual. Attracted to both guys and gals."
"Oh."
"You Greeks sure don't know much about the different types of sexualities, do ya?" taunted Soo.
"I guess we never saw the need to categorize such things," the Amazon said honestly. "Love is love."
Soo chuckled. "You keep tellin' yourself that, Blondie."
Gabrielle was just about to launch into a lengthy debate that she was destined to win when she noticed Colleen and Kelly helping an unsteady Sean return to camp. The young man's swollen nose was bandaged and both eyes were black.
"What happened to him?" she asked.
"I gotta tell ya," Soo beamed. "It was a thing o' beauty. Ol' Dr. Sean asked your girlfriend if he could check the bump on her head."
"And?" Gabrielle couldn't believe that Xena would react so violently to such an innocent request.
"And then he offered to give her a breast exam."
Gabrielle glared at the injured man. Soozin could have sworn she heard a low growl coming from the bard.
"Gabrielle!" Xena called from her perch away from camp. The Amazon took a deep breath and released it, then went to her companion.
"Hey," said Xena.
"Hey," Gabrielle replied.
"My fist had a run-in with Sean's face."
"Mmm..." nodded the blonde as she sat next to her friend. "He's lucky I wasn't here."
Xena chuckled softly. "My little bad ass." Gabrielle blushed and elbowed the warrior. "That was quite the bounty you came back with, Gabrielle."
"I learned from the best."
"I wouldn't have thought that pheasants were indigenous to this particular environment."
"You're trying to apply logic to this place, Xena?"
"Oh yeah," the warrior smiled "Still recovering from a head wound."
"You already used that excuse last night," the bard joked. "Come up with something different."
Xena shrugged. "The Island Goddesses made me say it." Her eyes twinkled with mischief.
"Ugh!" Gabrielle bellowed and buried her head in her hands, trying not to smile.
"Omigod!" Jenna yelped as she ran past the warrior women toward the castaways' living quarters. "Jeff is coming and my hair is a mess!"
Gabrielle looked up at Xena. "Jeff?"
"Just what we need," the dark-haired woman lamented. "Someone else to deal with."
Jenna, Kelly and Soo began fighting over who was going to run the Bowie knife through their hair first. Rudy abandoned his post at the Rattana kitchen and stood at attention. Sean stumbled around in an injury-induced stupor (though no one could tell the difference between this and his general, everyday stupor). Even Gervase joined the land of the conscious. The only person who maintained their relaxed manner was Colleen. She had long ago accepted the fact that she would never win a challenge and had ceased to care.*
"Maybe we should go see what all the fuss is about," Xena suggested.
"I suppose..." Gabrielle reluctantly agreed.
godconnie, disguised as Jeff Probst, slowly approached the Survivor campsite. She was determined not to embarrass herself in front of her audience. Just because I'm in a man's body, it doesn't mean I have no control, she thought. Men aren't really slaves to their libidos, right?
Just then, she got her first up-close-and-personal glimpse of the bard and warrior in motion as they came closer. Briefly holding her breath, she commanded herself to repeat the following internally, Xena will kill me. Xena will kill me. Xena will kill me.
Jenna, barely covered by her pink bikini, bounded up to godconnie and angled her butt for better viewing.
"So, Jeff," Jenna said flirtatiously "See anything you like?"
gc cleared her throat and concentrated on the numerous scabby flea bites covering the girl's thighs. "Uh, your butt is looking lovelier than ever, Jenna."
"You really think so?" Jenna began to cry. "Oh, Jeff. You don't know how much that means to me!" She wrapped her hands over gc's shoulder and began jumping up and down godconnie closed her eyes and pictured a shirtless Ted Raimi.
"Get your stinkin' paws off him, Jenna!" Soo roared. "You ain't gettin' no special treatment just 'cause yer not ashamed ta shake yer titties in his face."
Jenna stopped her bouncing. She bit her lower lip and tried to hold back the tears. She was successful for a full five seconds -- a record for her.
godconnie turned to face the crowd that had gathered around her. "Listen up," she said in Probst's most professional voice. "It's time for today's reward challenge..."
"Excuse me," Gabrielle spoke as she and Xena made their way to the front of the group.
gc inwardly squealed like a frightened piglet. "Yes?"
"Can you explain what is going on here?" inquired the bard.
The fanfic author remembered that she was supposed to be surprised by the Greek women's presence. "Who are you?" She focused with all of her might on a small blemish that graced the blonde's chin.
"My name is Gabrielle," she said to the strange man who had yet to look her in the eye. "And this is Xena."
godconnie realized that she was coming off badly so she thrust her muscular arm out to embrace the even more muscular arm of Xena. "The name is Probst. Jeff Probst." gc looked up into the bluest eyes she had ever seen. She began to drown in the cerulean pools.
"Oh God," gc squeaked as she felt an unfamiliar tightening in her khakis. I'm a Gab fan! she thought. Xena can't be having this kind of effect... gc lost all rational thought as their eyes connected again. She choked back her despair. "Could you excuse me for a moment?"
"Sure," the warrior replied suspiciously.
godconnie turned and ran into the nearby forest. Leaning against a tree, she began to pray to any god that would listen to save her from her testosterone hell.
"What's he doing, Xena?" the bard asked.
"I have no idea, Gabrielle, but something isn't quite right about him."
"Do you think it's Ares?"
"No," the warrior answered. "But he's not who he says he is."
"Probst is always sportin' a boner after talkin' to Jenna and Colleen," Soozin interjected. "He probably took one look at you guys and had to go jerk off."
"Ewwwwww!!!!!!" Colleen groaned and covered her eyes.
Jenna began to pout. Poor, sweet Jeff, she thought. I wonder if I
should go help him out?
A bewildered Gabrielle looked from Soo to her partner. "What language is she speaking, Xena?" the bard whispered.
Xena shook her head. "No clue."
"Probst is a pansy!" grumbled Rudy.
Tapert, who had been eerily quiet all morning, turned to the ex-Navy Seal. "I like you."
Rudy sneered. "Don't tell me you go both ways too."
"What?!" Tapert was aghast.
"Someone shoot me now," the elderly man said to no one in particular.
"Anybody got a gun?" Colleen quizzed the surrounding camera crew.
