work. If the Island Goddesses were listening, they would focus their powers on the south side of the island in an attempt to stop the dynamic duo. This would give Xena and Gabrielle enough time to find the goddesses hide-out.
The comely co-ed was nervous. She understood that the Island Goddesses' wanted to make things right for Xena and Gabrielle. But for Colleen, it was no longer a fan fiction. It was real and she wanted her friends to be able to go home.
Besides, they think I'm cute. They'll forgive me, thought Colleen as she
headed toward the south side of the island. I hope.
It suddenly occurred to Colleen that the Island Goddesses were likely to get to the south side of the island long before she could. They might even figure out what was going on�being goddesses and all. She needed a distraction.
The Survivor shortly came upon a small, gently cascading waterfall.
Purrrrrfect, she thought, grinning.
�Ooooh, I need a bath,� Colleen said loudly. �A nice, naked, soothing bath.�
The co-ed stripped down to her boxers and stepped beneath the waterfall, letting the water wash over her. She whipped her head back and forth, flinging water as adorably and sexily as she could. That ought to distract them for a bit, she thought. �Oh, the things I do for love,� she sighed and giggled, which only made her appear even sexier.
stopped to check the map. Ahead of them was a large formation of rocks.
Xena glanced down at the map Gabrielle was holding and then walked
toward the rocks. There were no doors and no hidden passageway that the warrior could see.
"It's just the side of the hill," said Xena irritably. "But this is where the map points to."
Gabrielle stood about 30 yards away from Xena, looking the map over again to see if they had gone the wrong direction at some point.
Xena sighed and leaned back against the rock. The warrior promptly fell
backwards. Gabrielle turned to ask a question, only to see the warrior's
eyes widen in shock as she disappeared into the rock.
"Xena!" screamed Gabrielle as she ran and dove after the warrior.
Gabrielle found herself falling and then she landed with a loud "Ooof!" For the distance she fell, the bard's landing was surprisingly soft. But her only thought was the Warrior Princess.
"Xena?" she whispered frantically.
"Yesssss," said the warrior from beneath the bard.
Gabrielle's eyes adjusted to the dark. She glanced down to see that Xena
was the reason her landing had been so soft.
"Hey there, gorgeous," the bard said, looking into blue eyes and relieved to see her partner.
"Are you OK?" asked Gabrielle, suddenly realizing that she had landed on top of Xena fairly hard. "Did I hurt you?"
"No, no. Lovin' every minute of it," smiled Xena.
Gabrielle climbed up off her soulmate, extending a hand and helping the
warrior up off the ground. The dynamic duo finally took a good look around them.
"Holy Fan Fic Cave," murmured Xena, not quite believing her eyes.
They were in what appeared to be a large, lavender-tinted cave. Nearly
every inch of the cave walls and ceiling was plastered with thousands of
pictures.
"All these paintings and drawings are of us, Xena," said a surprised
Gabrielle.
"That's not quite true," the warrior said testily as she scanned their
surroundings. "Almost all of the the drawings are of you. There are a few of you and me together, or Aphrodite�look," she pointed. "There are even some of Callisto. But there are no paintings of just�well, of just me," Xena said. "I knew it. Those Island Goddesses don't like me," the warrior almost, but not quite, broke into a pout.
"Xena, the Island Goddesses do too like you," Gabrielle assured her lover. "Look at that giant painting over there. It's nearly as big as you are and in the same shape as you," the bard exclaimed. She walked over to the life-size Xena, flicking her eyes back and forth between the real thing and the picture.
"Could I bring her with us?" she grinned mischievously.
Xena smiled, blushing slightly. Another painting distracted the warrior.
Gabrielle frowned.
"Xena, how did these pictures come to be? I don't remember sitting for
them," said Gabrielle.
"Maybe an artist read your scrolls and was inspired," smiled Xena, looking at a beautiful picture of the bard on top a white steed.
The two continued to explore the cave, checking for any kind of clue as to where the Island Goddesses might be.
"What's this?" whispered the Warrior Princess, stopping in her tracks.
Gabrielle looked to see what had the warrior's stunned attention and gaped at the sight before her.
On a small, rocky ledge protruding from the cave were dozens of small,
blonde and brunette figures. Some figures were about the size of Gabrielle's hand. Others were nearly twice that size.
"They're dolls�but they look just like us!" whispered Gabrielle. �This is
almost as creepy as Meg�s Tavern.�
Xena began an immediate and thorough study of the figures. "They're much more accurate than that stick figure you made of me," she murmured.
"Hey, I had to make that one out of stuff just laying around," said Gabrielle indignantly.
"Well, I did like where you stored it," grinned Xena. "Wait a minute,
Gabrielle, these dolls have weapons," noted a surprised Warrior Princess.
She picked up a tiny knife and stabbed her hand with it. The sword bent like the goo from a rubber tree, causing not even the slightest damage. Xena snorted. She then spied a tiny chakram. The dark warrior picked it up and flung it using her index finger and thumb, a happy grin on her face. The chakram bounced off a rock before it disappeared onto the dark floor of the cave.
"They don't work," frowned Xena and she moved onto one of the tall
Gabrielle dolls.
The real Gabrielle, meanwhile, spied two other dolls. All of the other figures were posed holding their weapons, or standing on small pedestals. But she couldn't figure these two out. Their positions were so odd. The bard decided to take a closer look and suddenly clamped a hand over her mouth as a blush rushed up her cheeks.
Xena walked over, peering over the bard's shoulder. She smiled and raised a wicked eyebrow. "Well, at least someone's having fun."
Gabrielle scrunched her nose adorably, giving the warrior a playful shove
with her shoulder.
"All these things must belong to the Island Goddesses," said Xena. "You
know, I've heard of shamanesses who control people through the use of
small dolls like this. Maybe it's how they've been controlling things around here."
"If that were true, well�" Gabrielle nodded toward the XXX Xena and
Gabrielle dolls. "And I don't see a doll in the likeness of Tapert."
"You've got a point," said the Warrior Princess.
"This is more like a shrine of some sort. It's almost as if they revere
us�even worship us," mused Gabrielle. The blonde looked over to see Xena lifting up a long-haired Gabrielle figure's skirt and peering underneath.
Gabrielle cleared her throat.
"These dolls don't have all their parts," stated Xena matter-of-factly.
"Uh-huh. Um, Xena. The Island Goddesses," said Gabrielle, getting the
rarely distracted Warrior Princess back on-track.
"Oh, yeah. Butt-kicking time."
"Sensitive chat time," reminded Gabrielle.
Xena scowled. "Well, whatever we do, we have to find them first."
"They have to be around here somewhere. Maybe there's another secret
entrance�if the map's correct and Burnett wasn't lying to us," said
Gabrielle.
Xena and Gabrielle continued their sweep of the cave. They came to a stop in front of a large, ornate altar. It was carved out of rock with a tall pillar on either side. On the pillars were intricate carvings of swords,
chakrams and sais. To the right of the altar stood two life-sized statues of
women warriors. At the top of the temple, carved in stone, were the
words Xena and Gabrielle 4Ever.
At the middle of the altar they found a door with large chains hanging from it. The dynamic duo heaved on the chains with no luck. The door refused to budge. Xena took her sword and chakram and tried to hack through the chain, but it was too strong even for her mighty chakram. The Greek hotties tugged, prodded, poked and finally threw both of their considerable body strength into trying to open the door. It moved not even a millimeter.
"This has to be the entrance, but how does it open?" said a frustrated Xena.
The hairs on the back of Gabrielle's neck began to tingle.
"I can show you how to open that if you want�"
Gabrielle whirled around. "Aphrodite!!" exclaimed a shocked bard.
"Yup, it's me, Sweet Pea. Come to save the day�yet again." Aphrodite
glanced over to Xena. "Hey there tall, dark and stuck in a fan fiction."
"What do you know about all this fan fiction stuff?" said a cranky Warrior
Princess.
"It's all about love," smiled the Goddess of Love.
"You knew about this all along, Aphrodite?!" exclaimed Gabrielle, angry,
irritated, frustrated and not at all surprised.
"I should've known you had something to do with this," growled the warrior.
"Well, I've had very little to do with this, actually. But just wait until
the sequel!" Aphrodite squealed with anticipation. "Anyway, I've come to
help."
"Earlier when you 'popped' in, you didn't seem interested in helping us,"
challenged Gabrielle. "Why the sudden change?"
"The Island Goddesses have written us all so well and within character,
that's why. It's in my nature to help you two out, natch."
"So stop yakkin' and start helpin'," said Xena.
Aphrodite sighed and rolled her eyes. She walked over to the two warrior
statues. Twirling one hand in the air, the Goddess of Love changed her look from pink and frothy to dark green and Army fatigue-y. Her hair was pulled back from her face in a tight pony-tail. She turned, spread her legs
shoulder-width apart and clasped her hands behind her back, addressing
the warrior and the bard.
Xena and Gabrielle raised their eyebrows at this sexy, new Goddess of Love look.
"Getting into the Island Goddess fan fiction inner sanctum is a two-person job," began Aphrodite tersely. "Each of you must grab the breast of one of these statues. Then you have to hold hands. THEN you have to recite a chant."
"You have got to be joking," said Xena.
"Does this outfit look like I'm joking, sister?" said Aphrodite, keeping to a
brusque demeanor. Then she grinned. "And, honestly, do you think the
Island Goddesses would make it easy to get into their inner sanctum? Why, Mezzo and godconnie blush head to toe every time they have to grab those statues' breasts," said Aphrodite.
"godconnie and Mezzo?" asked Gabrielle.
"The names of the Island Goddesses are godconnie and Mezzo," said the
Goddess of Love. "You didn't know that?!"
"Well�no, we didn't," said Gabrielle sheepishly.
"Slipping a little, there, Warrior Princess," said Aphrodite to Xena.
"I'm gonna be slipping my boot into their butts when I find them," muttered Xena.
"I know the goddesses' actions may seem a bit extreme�but it's all for
love," said Aphrodite, turning serious. "Anyway�come on. I'll show you how to get in," continued the Goddess of Love, who once again waved her hand in the air, returning to her usual pink, clingy, flowing gown.
Gabrielle and Xena reluctantly stepped up to the statues and placed a hand on each statue's breast and then clasped each other's hands.
"This is just not right," muttered Gabrielle, blushing yet again. "I don't even know these women!"
"Now, repeat after me�" said Aphrodite. "One, two three, four, five six,
seven, eight."
Xena and Gabrielle sighed and repeated the chant.
"Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated," continued Aphrodite.
"What language is that?" exclaimed Gabrielle.
"I dunno, some ancient, sacred text, I think. The Island Goddesses always
do this before they pass through. Now say it. Oh, and you have to do this
little sacred dance and hop with it." Aphrodite demonstrated, bending her
knees and hopping on the appropriate syllable.
"OK, maybe we should kick their asses," Gabrielle said through gritted teeth as she and Xena repeated the sacred text and did the sacred dance and hop.
The door remained stubbornly, obstinately closed.
"It's not working," exclaimed Xena.
"That's because you haven't sang the sacred goddess song yet," said
Aphrodite.
"I'm sure you'll teach it to us," said Gabrielle dryly.
"No more singing!" howled Xena.
"We're going to have to change her title from Warrior Princess to Warrior
Whiner," Aphrodite whispered to Gabrielle.
"I heard that," said Xena.
The goddess began teaching the dynamic duo the song.
"Do you think you've got it?" queried Aphrodite a few cacophonous
moments later.
"Shouldn't the Goddess of Love's singing voice be�well, lovely?" said Xena to Gabrielle.
The Warrior Princess caught a glare and a flash of angry dimple from
Aphrodite.
"I'm gonna ignore the diss, Warrior Sis. Now, did you get the song?" asked Aphrodite.
Xena and Gabrielle nodded.
"Well, go on. Sing it so you can get in there and go home," said the
goddess.
"Can't you just send us home," asked an exasperated Xena.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Too easy�not enough action�because," said the Goddess of Love
evasively.
Gabrielle gave Aphrodite her best steely stare-down. Aphrodite crumpled.
"Aiiiight, Boo. For some reason, I have limited power around Mezzo and
godconnie. I mean, I can move around and zap in and out, but I can't zap
anyone else. However, I can zap body parts in and out,� the goddess
giggled. �Anyway, you're just going to have to get out of here the old-fashioned-Xena-and-Gabrielle-kick-ass-and-take-names-later way, 'kay? Now. Sing the song."
Xena and Gabrielle, still holding each other's hands and clasping the
statues' breasts began to sing the song as Aphrodite taught them:
"Give us any chance, we'll take it
Give us any rule, we'll break it.
We're gonna make our dreams come true
And we'll do it our way, yes our way.
Make all our dreams come true
And do it our way, yes our way,
Make all our dreams come true
For all the fans."
As they sang the last words, the slab of rock at the center of the altar began to move up, revealing a cavernous hallway and a light in the distance.
"OK, that's where the goddesses spend most of their time," whispered
Aphrodite. "Good luck."
"Thank you for your help, Aphrodite," said the bard. "But we really need to talk sometime about your part in all this.�
"Jheesh, you can never just be grateful, can you? My part in all this, Sweet Pea, is love. It's all about love." Aphrodite smiled. "See ya soon." She gave a dramatic flourish with her hand and disappeared in a hail of pink and purple hearts.
Xena shook her head. "Gods�and goddesses," she muttered.
The dynamic duo stepped through the door that then began to lower behind them.
"Xena, we need to be sure Tapert can get through," exclaimed Gabrielle.
�What for?!� exclaimed the Warrior Princess.
�If we get a chance at going home, I want to be sure he gets home as well,� explained Gabrielle patiently.
Xena sighed, pulled her sword from her scabbard and ran over to the
chains. With a mighty warrior heave, she shoved the sword into the chains, preventing the door from lowering any further. She headed back over to Gabrielle.
