"Damn sleep apnea," he muttered as he rubbed his face and looked around at a sky of colors so odd and intense that it seemed unreal.
"Dorothy, we're not on the island anymore," he sighed, looking around. There were trees and bushes the color of green as he had never seen.
"Grrrrreat. A dream within a dream -- that's not confusing," said Tapert sarcastically. He wondered if this, too, was the work of the Island Goddesses, as Gabrielle had said.
"Island Goddesses" he muttered derisively. "Bah. Humbug."
The executive looked ahead to see a small, swiftly moving stream. Beside it sat Soozin battling the hair on her legs with shaving cream
and an industrial-strength razor.
"Ugh," complained Tapert. "Who cast this damn dream anyway? Where are all the nubile, young, pretty women?"
Soozin turned and spied the red-haired parent-to-be watching her.
"Taahpert be warned, Taahpert beware," rhymed the backwoods truck
driver as she flitted, well, actually, stumbled over, shoving him onto a
rock.
"By gutting the relationship you make trite viewing fare," she continued, straddling the horrified television executive.
"Oh, god, I was wrong. It's not a dream -- it's a nightmare!" he groaned.
The truck driver covered his eyes. "Tahhpert be calm, open your eyes... Here there is truth...about Season Five."
Tapert struggled to get away from the tenacious woman.
"Get off me, you non-nubile, backwater wench," he yelled.
"OK," shrugged Soozin. She hopped off the executive and extended her hand.
"Here. Let me help you up," she said. The executive grabbed Soozin's
hand and found out just how strong the rustic maiden really was when
she flung him headfirst into the stream.
"I non-nubiled your ahhhsss, Tahhhhpert," Soozin said and loped off into the trees.
Tapert struggled and sputtered, barely getting his head above water as he flailed about, trying to get out of the now dangerously fast-moving stream. He heard two calm voices from the banks of the water.
"Absorb thyself in this great sea of the waters of The Relationship.
Dive deep in it...until thou hast found it. And having found The
Relationship, then thou shalt find a fountain of creativity as well as find thyself off this island. Even as it is written, He had his dwelling in L.A., and was a television mogul therein."
"Who the hell are you and help me!" he screamed from the stream, unable to locate the source of the voices.
"Island Goddesses, are we. From our easily fathomable will, the return of The Relationship has its beginning. In our boundless wisdom are all types and patterns of Xena and Gabrielle's love. In other words - it's the relationship, stupid."
The executive was swept under the fast-moving stream. He continued to struggle and was close to losing consciousness when he felt two hands hooked underneath his arms, pulling him from the stream onto dry land.
Tapert scrabbled up off the ground to thank whoever saved him. He looked around to find he was alone and dry. Looking down, Tapert also realized he was quite naked. The executive gasped and jumped behind some bushes.
The redhead managed to get over his sudden nakedness and take a good look at his surroundings. The stream he had just escaped sped along and disappeared into a wall of such thick mist that he could see nothing of the stream beyond it. But all around him was a meadow of a brilliant green with gently rolling hills, trees full of fruit and near the ground, hundreds of bright flowers. It was more beautiful than anything he had ever seen.
"I thought it was just a legend," he whispered in awe. "Could it be? Am I in the Teleysian Fields? Only heroic and creatively cutting-edge television producers get to come here."
The executive frowned. "Dead television producers." He looked down.
"Dead, naked, pregnant television producers."
"Wherever I am, I need some clothes," the executive grumbled.
Tapert turned and bumped into Soozin. The father-to-be yelped. The
Michigan truck driver pointed and laughed.
"Soozin?! What?! How?" squeaked Tapert doing his best impersonation of a pregnant Demi Moore on the cover of GQ as he tried to cover his manly he-breasts and kibbles and bits from Soozin's view.
"Can't you see I'm naked?!" the executive screeched.
"Being naked won't excuse ya," said Sooozin as she whipped out some
khakis, a fishing hat and a baggy t-shirt from behind her back and thrust the load of clothes at Tapert. "C'mon, get dressed, you're in Fifth-usia."
"Hells bells," said Tapert. "So much for the Telysian Fields theory." He glared at Soozin who was still staring and chortling.
"Turn around!" he snapped as he began wiggling into the clothes. The
t-shirt had the words Demon Baby On-Board blazened across the front of it with a large red arrow pointing downward.
Tapert frowned, dug deep into the back pocket of his khakis and whipped out a Sharpie. He grinned and began scribbling furiously on the t-shirt. It now read Xena's Love Child On-Board. Tapert turned his attention back to Soozin.
"So what, where, is Fifth-usia?"
And much to Tapert�s horror, Soozin began to sing.
Fifth-usia (sung to the "Illusia" song from The Bitter Suite)
Fifth-usia, a season
That's gone all to rot
You've had stinky eps
But not like this lot
You've tasted how bad plots
And good coexist
The bitter and sweet of it
All in their love that you dissed.
Xener and Gabby
The Sturm und the Drang
Bring back their love,
That's the choice you've got to make!
Can you undo what you destroyed?
Glide through that stream,
Follow your fate
Oh your balls are in a vise.
Their love you must realize.
If you're to get off this silly island.
Paddle the worth of you on the rebirth of it
Xener and Gabby, don't let them fade
Fifth season sucks,
Totally sucks.
Your villainous fifth season
Tortures our souls
Descent into hack-dom
Must levy its toll
The murder of their love
Has brought you to this.
Surrender stupidity, suffer sweet continuity
Xe needs her love and soulmate.
Oh, Tapert, your fifth season iced their true love
Come see how that 'vision' denies the show's heart
Fifth-usia is waiting, we'll show you The Way
But choose no relationship and kill their love
Then a steep price you will pay!
Oh...your balls are in a vise
Their love you must reali.....
"That's enough about my balls!" howled Tapert at the singing Survivor.
"You like little ditties, truck-drivin' momma?" Tapert said angrily. "OK,
here's one:
Fifth season rules.
Xena and Gabrielle's love drools.
I'm the power that be
and Xena gave me a baby."
At the mention of the warrior�s name, a beautiful picture of Xena shimmered into view in the air above and behind Soozin's shoulder.
"Xena," Tapert whispered to Soozin. "Is she here?"
The truck driver stared at the executive in confusion.
"The one who knocked me up, is she in this land?" he asked as he stared into the warrior�s ice blue eyes.
Soozin shook her head in exasperation.
"I'm merely the guide, Tahhhhpert,
Along for free booze.
You'll get no maternity test here
If you want to know more...then choose."
Soozin then bowed with a flourish, extending her arm toward the stream. And the wall of mist that had blocked Tapert's view dissipated. He could now see that the stream rolled on in the distance, splitting into two tributaries.
One stream gurgled quietly along. There was even a motorboat tied to a small but sturdy-looking bridge. Further on, the quiet stream floated peacefully into a well-lit tunnel. Above the tunnel a large, lavender neon sign read The Relationship. Hundreds of neon, flashing arrows pointed at the tunnel. Another sign read This way gets you off the island and back to L.A. A third sign stated Yeah, that means YOU, Tapert. In front of the tunnel stood a bevy of nubile, beautiful, ready-for-their-Stuff-centerfold, young women. They beckoned Tapert, calling his name and promising him long nights of delirious pleasure.
He looked to the other tributary where a small kayak was tied to a
rickety bridge filled with large, gaping holes. Instead of gurgling, this
tributary raged over jagged rocks, creating whitecaps and large, monstrous waves. It streamed into another tunnel where he could see the beginnings of a giant whirlpool. This tunnel also had a sign. It read, Season Five: The Year of the Gutted Relationship and Complete and Total Lack of Creativity. There were three smaller signs near it that stated, This way lies certain death!, Beware! and Die, Pussycat, Die!
"Hmmm. Easy choice," said the executive as he turned his back on the bevy of beauties and headed for the kayak and white caps.
"That's it. I'm out of here. This Tahhhhpert guy's stooopider thahn Seaaahhn," said Soozin, looking up to the sky.
Tapert cast his eyes upward. "Who are you talking to?" he queried.
"The Island Goddesses," replied Soozin as three rats bolted out of the
truck driver's wild tresses.
"We're staying. This could be fun," giggled one of the rats. Tapert's eyes widened in shock as the talking critters scurried off into a nearby bush.
"Did anyone see that?" whispered Tapert.
Soozin frowned at him and then looked back to the sky. "You'll need to send someone else with him. I ain't goin' in thaahhhr. See ya, Tahhpert."
And with that, she strode off.
"You can't just leave me!" called Tapert to the retreating truck driver.
Soozin kept walking, ignoring his plea. The executive became desperate. He did not want to be alone in this strange land.
"C'mon, Sooz. Stay with me. There could be bad guys here� So you
gotta stay 'cause you know bad guys always kill the ugliest person first!" begged Tapert.
Soozin broke stride long enough to throw a glare over her shoulder�followed by her Bowie knife. Tapert dodged as the knife thwacked into a tree beside him. He stared at it and gulped. The executive then turned to give Soozin a piece of his mind. But she was gone. Vanished.
Tapert tugged on the knife but it was stuck hard. "Wow, those truck drivers sure are strong," he said, grunting with exertion.
