Good lighting, thought Tapert as he stared at the two with not a small
amount of jealousy. He had been more than patient with this whole "I'm Xena" business from Lucy� but this...this was just too much�although, it was kind of a turn-on.
Tapert sighed. Maybe that Colleen chick is right. Maybe I am in a fan
fiction, he thought. What if that really is Xena and Gabrielle? Tapert
watched the Warrior Princess in her sleep. She is glorious, he mused.
And her head had already healed from the bump she received earlier.
And she was, frankly, more attractive than Lucy and she kicked ass and, oh, those eyes... Tapert shook his head, wondering where these bizarre thoughts were coming from. Lucy was his wife and she was real! He stood up and headed into the jungle.
"Where ya goin' thahr?" Soozin's irritating voice rang out.
"Potty humor...er, break," replied Tapert.
The executive producer wandered away from camp until he found himself in a small, grassy meadow. It was surrounded by trees and offered a beautiful view of the moon. He was thinking on what new manner of evil could befall Gabrielle in Season Six as he relieved himself.
He was headed back to camp when she appeared. Jet black hair and
piercing blue eyes gazed at him from the trees.
"Xena?" said Tapert.
"It's me," she replied, her voice low and husky. "I was looking for you."
She approached him, all leg and thighs and Tapert wished they'd wrap
around him and squeeze the life right out. What a way to go. The dark
woman grabbed him and pulled him into a blazing kiss. Tapert
surrendered.
"It's always been you, Xena," he gasped breathlessly as they tore
themselves from each other's lips.
"Prove it, lover boy," she responded as the two figures melted into the
ground.
It was a night of passionate lovemaking such as Tapert had never
experienced and could not quite remember the details...except that it
felt good. Exhausted and sated, he lay in her strong, unusually hairy arms, not knowing where he ended and where she began...or even why his butt was kind of sore. In a good way. He fell asleep with a smile on his lips. He didn't wake up when the dark-haired woman stole away into the quiet, star-filled night.
But, no, it was Tapert, running down the beach toward them, his stomach protruding like he had a basketball under his shirt. He was screaming at the top of his lungs.
"He looks like he's pregnaahnt," laughed Soozin.
"Damn queers," groused Rudy.
"Can he get pregnant?" asked Sean the doctor.
Tapert ran up to Xena.
"You! You did this to me!" the red-haired executive whimpered.
"Well, I have many skills, but..." said Xena.
"We had hot, naked, fabulous sex last night and I woke up...like this!" sobbed Tapert.
Rich smiled.
Gabrielle narrowed her eyes at Xena.
"I didn't have sex, hot or otherwise, with you last night or any other
night!" exclaimed the warrior, eyeing Gabrielle warily.
"Blue eyes, black hair, thighs that can crush walnuts...it was you!"
Tapert said fiercely.
"Listen, Tapert. I didn't have sex with you. I mean, really, you're not my type."
"Thaat's right," said Soozin. "The Warrior Babe and Blondie here was at camp all night. I stayed awake to make sure she wasn't pullin' no funny business after you headed into the woods, Taaahhhpert."
"Then what do you call this?!?!" screamed the television mogul, pointing at his enlarged stomach.
"Poetic justice," giggled Colleen.
Xena approached the distraught Tapert. She placed her ear at his
stomach and her blue eyes widened.
"I'd say you're about six months pregnant," said Xena.
Tapert promptly fainted. Xena caught him and lowered him gently to the ground. Gabrielle grabbed some clothing from the camp and made a make-shift pillow for him.
Xena went into full-press mode addressing the Survivors.
"All of you should head to the challenge area and we'll catch up after we make sure Tapert's OK," the Warrior Princess said. The Survivors shrugged and headed down the beach without a glance back at the unconscious executive.
"I don't think they care about Tapert," giggled Colleen.
Xena caught the co-ed by the arm "You stay for a bit," she ordered. The warrior waited until the other Survivors were out of earshot and then turned her attention to Colleen.
"Do you know what this is about?" she demanded.
Colleen gulped her giggles and shrugged. "I'm thinking maybe Tapert
here's being taught a lesson."
"I thought we were being taught a lesson," growled a very frustrated
Warrior Princess.
"Well, you can get a lot of lessons and stuff into this long of a fan
fiction," replied Colleen. She gasped and covered her mouth as the words she said hit her brain. "Oops, probably shouldn't have said that
out loud," said the cuddly and cute co-ed, looking about her warily. She didn't know if the Island Goddesses would be happy to be told their fan fic was, well, long.
Xena closed her eyes for a second and searched for some patience. She opened her baby blues and found Gabrielle's concerned green eyes.
"Gabrielle, we know who's behind this, but we've got to figure out why and how to get off this island," said the angry brunette. "We've been jerked around long enough and it's time we did the jerking."
"Xena, I don't think it's that simple," said the bard said quietly.
"I know, I know," said the now thoroughly exasperated warrior. "But
we've got to at least try. I've got a plan."
"Is this a dangerous plan?" asked the bard.
Xena snorted. "No. Just a search and discover. With a little help," the
warrior said, glaring at Colleen. The co-ed's eyes opened wide under
Xena's gaze.
"You said it was the island goddesses who brought us here," said Xena.
"Uh, huh. Island Goddesses. Capital 'I.' Capital 'G.' Beautiful. Powerful. blah-dee-blah-blah," said the cuddly Survivor.
Xena rolled her eyes. "Will they talk to you or appear to you?"
"Their opinion of my cute quotient is quite high, but they've got that
'we're all mysterious' thang going on," frowned the co-ed who suddenly brightened. "But I can take youse to the last place they visited me, if you want," said Colleen.
Xena looked to her soulmate. "Gabrielle, I've got to go and try and talk to these Island Goddesses."
Gabrielle nodded. "I know. See what you can find out. I'll stay here with Tapert. I'm sure the Island Goddesses had something to do with this as well. That baby will probably be coming within the next few hours. Besides," said the bard wryly. "You and I are the only people on this island prepared to deal with an unusual pregnancy."
Xena gave Gabrielle a small smile. "We'll try our best to get back before the baby comes." The warrior grabbed Gabrielle and held her close, then turned to Colleen.
"Lead the way," she said. Colleen headed into the jungle with Xena
following.
Gabrielle turned her attention to the still unconscious Tapert and his even more enormous pregnant stomach. She looked to the glaring, midday sky and and dragged the unconcious tv executive near a tree to make sure he had shade from the hot sun.
