"Maybe he's rehearsing his lines," Jenna suggested.
"Or he could be conversing with the talking rats," submitted Sean.
Talking rats? Tapert thought. What a novel idea! Why, if I can get the studio to finance a Xena movie, I know exactly where I'd put a talking rat! His eyes lowered to the unsuspecting warrior's cleavage, his imagination took over from there...
A good-sized brown rodent popped it's head out above the
top of Xena's copper armor.
"Hey, Xena!" the rat called, sniffing the air that smelled
suspisciously like warrior sweat.
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever miss Gabrielle?" he asked in his nasal rat
voice.
"Sometimes," the warrior said flatly. "But not so
much when I'm with you."
"Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh..." the rat snorted
incessantly.
Tapert's attention was snapped back to reality as he felt the jolt from Gabrielle's open palm to his forehead.
"Ouch!" the redhead exclaimed. "What did you do that for?" He rubbed his sensitive noggin.
"I didn't like the way you were looking at my friend," she responded, a hint of danger in her voice.
"You're a total bitch, you know that?" he whined.
The Amazon sucked in her amazing abs. "Oh, am I?"
"Uh..." The TV exec realized that this well-built woman could beat the living daylights out of him without breaking a sweat. "Just kidding,"
he giggled nervously.
"I don't think you were," she said firmly, her nose just millimeters from his.
Tapert tried to hold her stare, but didn't last ten seconds. He gulped and ran away like the terrified uber nerd that he was.
"I thought as much," the bard snarled under her breath.
"Hey," Soo yelled. "Looks like Probst is comin' our way."
Gabrielle turned to see the peculiar man walking back toward camp.
"Sorry about the delay," godconnie said to the gathering throng. "We were experiencing some technical difficulties."
"So that's what ya call it, Jeff?" Soo snorted.
"Uh," the writer had no interest in interacting with the truck driver. "Yeah."
"I bet yer girlfriend don't take too kindly to those kinds o' technical difficulties, eh Jeff?" Soo continued.
"Or his boyfriend," murmured Kelly.
"All right!" gc said resolutely and gave them both the evil eye. "It's time for this week's reward challenge." The castaways moved in closer; a strange silence hovered over them. "As has been the case since your two tribes merged, today's challenge is an individual one. This means that only one of you can win."
"Sonofabitch!" Rudy, knowing he didn't stand a chance, shook his
head and walked away.
"Now this island is well-known for two things: rainbows and coconuts," the writer hoped like Hades that her listeners were buying this bull.
Colleen started to giggle. godconnie cleared her throat and the comely co-ed bit her lip.
"Today's challenge will incorporate both of those things..."
"Excuse me," spoke the bard. gc closed her eyes and collected her thoughts. "Sorry to interrupt again, but are we contestants in this game now?"
The woman-trapped-in-a-sleazy-man's-body looked at each non-castaway and appeared to make a decision.
"Seeing as how one of our regular contestants, Richard Hatch, is currently under medical supervision, we will allow one of you to take his place."
"Hey," Sean said. "Rich isn't here."
"Who's Rich?" asked Gervase.
"What kind o' medical supervision is he under?" questioned the tenacious trucker, Soo.
"I'm not privvy to that particular information," gc improvised. "Mr. Burnett is taking care of it."
"Yah!" Soozin chortled. "I'll bet he is!"
"Rich and Mark have an understanding," Kelly added. "Rich is under and Mark is standing."
"Ha!" roared Soo. "That's a good one!"
"Christ on a cracker!" barked Rudy as he returned to the fold. "Can't you two dames shut yer yaps?"
"Ahhh-bviously not, Grandpa!" snapped Soozin.
"Please," godconnie was beginning to feel an anxiety attack coming on. "I beg of you, just do this reward challenge and then you can go back to your regularly scheduled bitchfest."
Soo and Kelly looked at each other and shrugged. Kelly nodded her head in approval.
"Thank you," gc sighed inwardly. "Now..." she looked back at the bard. "As for the three of you... We flipped a coin earlier and decided that Xena would be the one to participate in this competition."
"Wait a galdarned minute!" Tapert interjected. "I didn't see you flip the coin, so how do I know you're telling the truth?"
"You don't," godconnie said coldly. She noticed this caused a small grin to grace the Amazon's face.
"I demand that you flip the coin here!" the redhead bawled.
"No."
"I've never heard of a three-sided coin anyway!" he looked desperately at Rudy. "Have you?"
"You're as bad as these damn women!" was the Navy Seal's response.
"Calm down, Mr. Tapert," the woman masquerading as the host said.
"How do you know my name?" the TV exec inquired.
"You're legendary in the world of television, of course," gc lied.
"Of course," Tapert agreed. "Sorry about that. I just get a little out of sorts at times when I think my vision isn't being respected."
"Believe me," the author said honestly. "I know all about your vision."
"Does that mean you'll let me compete?"
"No."
"But!" gc put a finger to Tapert's thin, dry lips.
"Hush," the dimpled dramatist directed. "This challenge is very dangerous and there's no way we can, in good conscience, risk injuring one of the greatest visionaries of this, or any, generation."
"Ugh," groaned the bard. godconnie was pained by the fact that she had momentarily let her heroine down, but she knew that it was for the greater good.
"You're a good man, Jeff," Tapert smiled and patted gc on the back.
The fanfic writer turned her attention back to the crowd. "Okay, Mr. Tapert and Ga..." she turned to the bard. "Gabrielle, is it?"
"Mmm," the disgusted Amazon barely made a sound.
"Mr. Tapert and Gabrielle will stay here while the rest of you follow me to the challenge site."
A few of the castaways grumbled, but they obediently followed their leader into the jungle. Xena, of course, didn't budge.
"You better get going, Xena," Gabrielle said.
"I don't recall signing up to play a game," the warrior responded.
"Xena..." the Amazon reminded. "This might be our ticket out of here.
Just go along with it, okay?"
The raven-haired woman looked at Tapert then back to her friend. "Will things be okay here, Gabrielle?"
"I think I can handle Big Red," the bard assured her partner.
"Try not to hurt him," the warrior whispered.
"I won't," Gabrielle said quietly. "But I may scare him just a bit."
Xena grinned and put her hand to Gabrielle's cheek. "Be back soon, 'kay?"
The bard returned the warrior's smile. Rob flinched, as had become a habit when seeing the closeness of the two women. Xena gave him a piercing look for good measure and headed in the direction of the other castaways.
Gabrielle took a moment to admire her departing friend and then directed her attention towards the partially plucked pheasants.
"Why don't you help me with these, Tapert?" she asked as she knelt down beside the lifeless birds, trying her best to be civil.
"Look Renee," the man said seriously. "I know how you and Lucy love to joke around, but, honestly, you've gone too far this time."
Gabrielle rolled her eyes, shook her head, and focused on the task at hand.
"You've done a marvelous job with the set and the actors," he continued. "I'm not so sure about the ethics involved with whatever kind of drug you used to get me here though..."
"Xena and I didn't bring you here, Tapert," the bard informed him.
"Xena and I! Xena and I!" he aped. "You do realize that I can kill your character off at any moment, don't you?"
The blonde stopped removing feathers from her fallen prey and looked
up at the self-important TV executive. "Are you threatening me?"
"Are you going to put an end to this game?"
"Believe me," she said solemnly. "If I could put an end to this insanity, I would."
"Dammit, Renee!" Tapert whined. "What is this about? Do you want more screen time? Fine. You got it. Now go tell Lucy that it's 'game over' and we're going home!"
Gabrielle stood to face her antagonist. "I don't know who this Renee is
that you speak of, but she must be a stronger woman than me to put up with such relentless stupidity."
"I fail to see the humor in this."
"So much for your vision then," she said condescendingly.
"Oh, that's it!" he scoffed. "You think you can do a better job than me! You want to direct again!" He laughed to himself. "Well, fine. I'll give you another episode."
Internally, his thoughts weren't so gracious. Another episode with a stolen plot that's a logistical nightmare. He smirked. "Can we leave this godforsaken place now?"
The Amazon looked around them. "I don't see anyone keeping you here."
"I'm not leaving without my wife," declared the redhead.
"I don't know what to tell you, Tapert."
"I'm going to go find Lucy," he stated defiantly and took off toward the nearby jungle.
"Happy trails..." the bard mumbled half-heartedly and returned to cleaning her catch.
