Author's note: This was originally an idea from my buddy Neocroth! Thanks man! And I'm glad you love the site!
(We begin the story in the basement of the Shinra Mansion. We see Vincent looking through the files for anything on Lucrecia.)
Vincent: *sigh* Lucrecia . . .
Lucrecia: *disembodied* I'm so sorry!
Vincent: Why, did you have to do this?
Lucrecia: I don't know! I wish I knew!
Vincent: It was my sin . . . I didn't stop you from doing it.
Lucrecia: Don't blame yourself! It was because of me! I didn't listen to you, and because of my mistake, my son, Sephiroth, went insane because he found out about how he came to be.
Vincent: It was my fault, Lucrecia.
????: I think you're right. It is your fault!
Vincent: What? *turns around* Oh no, not you!
????: Oh yes! 'tis I! . . . .
Vincent: *runs*
????: Darn, I really liked him. But, I'll get you, Vincent Valentine!
(As Vincent ran out of Nibelheim, we go to the Usual Spot where Abra and Sephiroth are chatting.)
Abra: Sephiroth! You went insane while I was out of state?! How could you?!
Sephiroth: What do you want from me?
Abra: An explaination! Tell me how and why!
Sephiroth: I thought Nexus already told you how and why.
Abra: I want to hear it from you!
Sephiroth: I went insane because of that little shit, Chocobo Billy. He held a grudge against Nexus for a race or something.
Abra: That's all I wanted to hear.
Sephiroth: Good, can I go now?
Abra: No! You have to stay here and keep me company!
Sephiroth: Why the hell should I? I hate you! You torment Nexus, and everyone knows that it's my job to make him suffer!
Abra: I'm sick of hearing that!
Sephiroth: You two should get back together! He'll be happy, and I'm sure you'll be happy! And that way it's more fun for me to make you both suffer!
Abra: I don't know. I do like him, but . . .
Sephiroth: But what?
Abra: Well . . . I just--
Nexus: *walks in* Hey guys! What's happening?
Sephiroth: Oh, Abra's just about to tell me why she--
Abra: *covers Sephiroth's mouth* I was about to tell him why I'm in such a good mood! Hehe . . .
Nexus: *sweatdrops* You're weird. Anyway, what's all happening with you guys?
Sephiroth: *removes Abra's hand* Nothing at all, prissy. How was therapy?
Nexus: . . . how the hell did you know that?
Sephiroth: Easy! I hacked into your medical records and saw that the doctor you're seeing is sending you to mental therapy!
Nexus: You did what?!?!
Abra: Sephiroth! That's confidential information!! What did it say?
Nexus: Abra!!
Sephiroth: Apparently he has depression, bipolar disease, schitzo, and multiple personalities.
Nexus: SHUT UP!!
Abra: Oh, what are you depressed about, Nexus?
Nexus: *mutters* You should know . . .
Abra: What was that?
Nexus: Oh, nothing!
Abra: Seriously, what are you so depressed about?
Nexus: Just don't worry about it . . .
Sephiroth: Maybe I should leave you two alone to talk this over.
Abra: If you wouldn't mind . . .
Nexus: NO! You stay where the hell you are!
Sephiroth: Hell no! I'm gonna leave. See ya! *leaves*
Nexus: . . . I really hate Sephiroth . . .
Abra: Nexus, what are you depressed about? You know you can tell me!
Nexus: . . . you really want to know?
Abra: Yes! Tell me!
Nexus: Fine . . . I really wish that you and I would just go back to the way things were, before we broke up the first time! You actually made me happy, for the first time in my life. Before I met you, I was pretty much the same way I am now, depressed and wanting to kill myself.
Abra: . . . I see.
(Vincent comes running through the door, slamming it behind him. He's gasping for air from running so fast.)
Nexus: Vincent? What's wrong with you? And why are you out of breath?
Vincent: *gasp* I was *gasp* in Nibel*gasp*heim. *gasp* I ran into *gasp* someone *gasp* I think *gasp* she's *gasp* stalking me.
Abra: Who's stalking you?
Vincent: You don't want to know!
Nexus: That bad, huh?
Vincent: You have no idea.
Abra: Anyway, Nexus, can we get back to talking about this?
Nexus: I don't want to talk about it right now. I just want to be left alone. *walks into the other room*
Vincent: What's wrong with him?
Abra: He's depressed because I pretty much dumped him so I could go wild at conventions. I didn't want to cheat on him.
Vincent: Does he still love you?
Nexus: *from the next room* YES!!!
Vincent: Okay . . . and do you still love him?
Abra: Of course I do!
Vincent: Then you're pretty much still cheating on him. You may not be going out persay, but you both have feelings for each other. That only means that you should still be together, and you're preventing that from happening by doing this to him. By definition, you're still cheating on him.
Abra: . . .
Vincent: He's told you of Ryan, right?
Abra: He's mentioned him, yes.
Vincent: Well . . . it's really because of him that he--
Nexus: *runs out* Stop! I don't want you to mention Ryan around here, ever!
Vincent: I was only trying to--
Nexus: Just don't talk about him, please!
Abra: No, what did Ryan do to you?
Nexus: I'm telling you to drop it! Just don't ever bring up Ryan's name around me, ever!
Vincent: I will respect your wishes.
Abra: But I would like for you to talk to me about this . . .
Nexus: I don't talk about things like that with anybody, especially you!
Abra: Alright then . . .
Vincent: Anyway! Can we talk about my problem now?
Nexus: Sure thing, buddy! First off, it was NOT your fault that Lucrecia pretty much screwed you over for life, nor was it your fault that the perverted scientist, Hojo, pretty much mutilated your body and turned you into a hideous freak, especially when you use your limit break.
Vincent: . . . that's not what I was talking about.
Nexus: Really? Oh yea! Your stalker problem. Hehe, totally forgot.
Abra: *mutters* Idiot.
Nexus: I heard that, Abra!
Vincent: Look, I seriously need help with my stalker. Can you guys help?
Nexus: Are you having some fangirl issues or something?
Vincent: No. *whispers the name of the person in Nexus' ear*
Nexus: Are you serious?! I thought she hated you!
Vincent: I thought so too, but I guess not.
Abra: Who is it?
Nexus: And I thought she killed herself!
Vincent: She must have survived somehow, just like Hojo did in the game.
Nexus: Weird, she must have. Don't worry, I'll get a few of my friends from college to handle her! I'm sure they'll be happy to help!
Abra: First off, who are you guys talking about?! And second, you're gonna have more friends come over?
Nexus: Sure, I don't see why not.
Abra: I do! We're limited on space as is, we can't fit too many other people here!
Nexus: Don't worry! It's not like they'll be living here. They have places of their own to worry about!
Abra: And it's not just that . . .
Nexus: What? Are you saying if they come over, you'd be a little jealous?
Abra: NO!
Vincent: You're getting defensive.
Nexus: I think you are! You're jealous! "What if he falls in love with one of his female friends?" If that's what you're thinking, forget it. They're friends, nothing more.
Abra: That's not what I was thinking, but all right. You made your point.
Nexus: All right! I'll go make a few phone calls. And along with my friends from college, I'll have Gabe and Karah join in. *walks to the next room and calls up everyone*
Vincent: You don't want him to fall in love with someone else, do you?
Abra: . . . no.
Vincent: You may want to hurry with this going wild crap. He may fall in love with someone. You never know.
Sephiroth: *walks in* Hey! Are you guys done ta-- VINCENT!! EMO BOY!!! How's everything with you?
Vincent: Oh god. Not you.
Sephiroth: Yup, the one and only One-Winged Angel, SEFIROSU!!
Vincent: What do you want?
Sephiroth: Well, I just wanted to see how the two knuckle-headed dingbats--
Abra: HEY!!
Nexus: *from the other room* THAT WASN'T VERY NICE!!!
Sephiroth: --were doing, so I thought I would come back. But now that you're here, I figure I could mess with you instead!
Vincent: Not in the mood, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: You're never in the mood, you're an emo vampire!
Vincent: Don't call me a vampire! Or emo!
Sephiroth: Where did Cloud find you in the game?
Vincent: . . . a coffin . . .
Sephiroth: And what mythological creature lives in a coffin?
Vincent: *sigh* Vampires . . .
Sephiroth: And therefore . . . ?
Vincent: *sigh* I'm a vampire?
Sephiroth: There you go!
Nexus: *walks back out* OK! Gabe and Karah are, indeed, coming over. Then we also have my friends, Kirby, Ken, Ben, Jacquie, and Leah coming over! Now be warned, they are my friends from school, so don't do anything I wouldn't like to them!! *glares at Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: Why the hell you looking at me?
Nexus: Because I know you only too well.
Sephiroth: Apparently you do . . .
Nexus: Yes, yes I do. But getting back to the point, my friends from school are coming over, and I don't want any of you assholes to do anything bad to them!
Sephiroth: Fine, I won't do anything to them . . .
Abra: I'll be good.
Vincent: As long as they help me, I'm good.
(After a little bit, everyone showed up.)
Vincent: . . . this is them?
Leah: What's that supposed to mean?
Ken: I think it means that they think we're haggard.
Ben: What the hell does "haggard" mean, anyway?
Ken: Well . . . you know, haggard!
Kirby: That doesn't really explain a lot.
Ken: Whatever you say, haggard.
Kirby: I don't know if I should concider that a compliment or an insult! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT EVEN MEANS!!
Ken: And you never will!
Gabe: *whisper* Those are your friends?
Nexus: *whisper* Yup. Those are them!
Jacquie: So, Nexus! What did you call us over here for?
Nexus: Okay, first off, everyone, I called you over because my friend, Vincent, here, needs help with a stalker problem. I can't reveal who it is because it would be embarrassing for Vincent.
Vincent: *grumble*
Leah: Really? He's having stalker problems?
Ken: Kinda like I had when I was younger?
Ben: Yea, except YOU were the stalker!
Ken: I pleade the fifth!
Leah: Doesn't change what you really did back when.
Ken: So true.
Karah: *whisper* They seem pretty nice. I don't know why anyone would have any problem with them.
Gabe: *whisper* I never said they weren't nice. But I get the feeling some of the Final Fantasy people think they may be weird.
Karah: *whisper* They think we're weird, but that doesn't bother me.
Gabe: *whisper* True . . .
Sephiroth: *whisper* What are you two whispering about?
Karah: Oh! Um . . . nothing, nothing at all, Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: You're such a liar, Karah!
Gabe: No, she's not!
Sephiroth: Whatever you say, TV killer.
Abra: Huh?! OH YEA!! GABE!!! YOU OWE ME A NEW GODDAMNED TV!!!
Gabe: I hate you, Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: You're not the only one! *smirks*
Nexus: Calm down, Abra. Now's not the time to worry about the damn TV.
Abra: I guess . . .
Ben: So, Nexus! How are we supposed to help?
Jacquie: Exactly! I don't really see how we're supposed to help. We don't really know any of these people that well.
Ken: Speak for yourself!
Nexus: You know my friends, here, Ken?
Ken: Sort of. Only what I know from the games.
Sephiroth: In other words, he doesn't know us very well.
Ken: Sure I do!
Sephiroth: Ok, wise guy! If you know me so much, what's my last name?
Ken: Trick question! You don't have one!
Sephiroth: If you played the game, you would have known that I really do have a last name, it's just not stated very clearly.
Nexus: The sad part of this is that Sephiroth is right.
Sephiroth: Exa-- HEY!!!
Nexus: What? I said that you're right.
Sephiroth: But you said--
Karah: Nevermind what Nexus said! Let's just think of a way to help poor Vincy-poo with his stalker!
Vincent: With a name like that, I'd much rather take my chances with the stalker.
Nexus: Don't talk such nonsense!
Vincent: You're one to talk, emo . . .
Nexus: You have no right to call me emo, Vincent.
Sephiroth: No, he does, even though he's an emo too.
Vincent: Shut up, Sephiroth!
Gabe: Can we get on with the problem?
Nexus: Right. So, anyone got any suggestions?
Sephiroth: Kill Vincent.
Nexus: . . . *smacks Sephiroth* Any suggestions that will help?
Vincent: Come on, everyone! Someone has to have an idea!
Leah: Well, who is the stalker?
Vincent: . . . *looks to Nexus for help*
Nexus: I'd suggest that you should tell them who it is.
Vincent: *sigh* . . . Rosso the Crimson.
Abra: Are you serious?! Rosso the Crimson of Deepground?!
Sephiroth: How many other Rosso's do you know, woman?
Vincent: Yeah, Rosso the Crimson of Deepground. I don't know why she's stalking me, but she is.
Abra: Do you think that it's because of the Protomateria?
Jacquie: What the heck is "Protomateria"?
Nexus: Long story short, it's an item that helped Vincent maintain control over Chaos, a being that dwells within his body.
Vincent: And I doubt that it has anything to do with the Protomateria. They already took that from me, so why would they chase me if they wanted that?
Abra: True.
Gabe: What if she just likes you?
Everyone but Gabe: *laughs*
Vincent: I hightly doubt that she would like me.
Sephiroth: Yea! I mean, who could possibly love an emo vampire such as "Vincy-poo" here?
Vincent: *shoots Sephiroth with Cerberus*
Sephiroth: *looks up and sees the number 1 above his head and glares at Vincent* You're about to learn the "true" meaning of "Dirge of Cerberus"!
Vincent: *pulls out Death Penalty and fires on Sephiroth repeatedly*
Sephiroth: *looks up and watches as multiple 9999's appear above his head* . . . well this sucks! *knocked out*
Leah: *screams* Shouldn't someone help him?!
Nexus: Nah, he'll be fine. We'll just use a Phoenix Down on him later.
Leah: Okay . . . what's a Phoenix Down?
Gabe: It's an item that revives a knocked out character.
Leah: I see . . .
Nexus: Moving on, how are we going to help Vincent?
Jacquie: Why don't you just ask this Rosso chick to stop stalking him?
Vincent: I'm guessing she's never played Dirge of Cerberus, has she?
Nexus: That she hasn't.
Abra: Look, Jacquie, Rosso isn't the type to just give up because you want her to. She'll stop at nothing to get what she wants.
Nexus: Right! I highly doubt that will happen.
Jacquie: It was only an idea.
Abra: I know. I'm just saying that it's not gonna work anyway.
Nexus: Anyone else got any other bright ideas?
Leah: Why don't you just go fight her then?
Vincent: I would, but I don't want to go up against her alone. I'm afraid of her.
Karah: Who wouldn't be? She's scary!
Aeris: *walks in* Hey everyone! How are you guys?
Nexus: We're all right. We're just trying to figure out how to help Vincent with Rosso the Crimson, who seems to be stalking him.
Aeris: I see. *notices Sephiroth unconscious on the floor and revives him with a Phoenix Down*
Sephiroth: What? What happened to me? *sees Vincent* I remember! You shot me!!
Nexus: Shut up, Sephiroth! And I think Leah has a great idea by just going up and confronting her!
Vincent: I'm not going alone!
Sephiroth: You're always alone! How can you NOT go alone?!
Vincent: That's it!! *turns into Chaos and attacks Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: GRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *knocked out*
Aeris: Did you have to do that, Vincent?
Vincent: Yes, I did.
Nexus: I'd suggest that no one piss Vincent off again.
Everyone but Vincent, Nexus, and Sephiroth: Agreed.
Nexus: Anyway, Vincent. You'll have to face her . . . Who do you want to go with you?
Vincent: Obviously I want you to come with, then Sephiroth could be of "some" help.
Nexus: Okay, so Sephiroth and I are going with you. Anyone else you want?
Vincent: Hm . . . I guess, how about Abra? She knows a lot about women . . .
Abra: Awww, I'd be hon--
Nexus: No way, she's not going.
Abra: Why?!
Nexus: Knowing you, you'd just go and make out with Rosso, making things worse.
Abra: . . .
Nexus: Instead, we'll take Aeris, Leah, Ben, and Gabe.
Karah: Why don't I get to go?!
Nexus: This is Rosso we're talking about. Do you really want to go?
Karah: I guess not.
Gabe: And I'm going why?
Nexus: Because I said so.
Leah: And why should Ben and I go anyway? We're not used to this sort of thing.
Ben: What do you mean "we"? I'm used to this . . . sorta.
Leah: Like I knew . . .
Nexus: Okay, first of all, I need you, Leah, because you're a woman, and will probably reach Rosso better than any of us. And I need Ben . . . I really don't know why, but he's just cool.
Gabe: Hold up. If you need a woman, why don't you just get either Calla, Beth, Sara, or Kate to do it?
Nexus: Calla and Beth . . . self explainatory. Sara . . . too young. And Kate's off at college.
Gabe: You're right, man. They're creepy, except for Kate.
Nexus: I wouldn't say they're creepy . . . never mind. But anyway, we're all going. Aeris, can you use a Phoenix Down on Sephiroth?
Aeris: All righ--
Nexus: Wait! I want to do something first! *uses permanant marker on Sephiroth's face* Okay, now you can use it!
Aeris: *laughs and uses a Phoenix Down on him*
Sephiroth: *wakes up and yawns* Hey . . . what's everybody looking at?
Aeris: Oh, nothing, Sephy-poo!
Sephiroth: You know I don't like it when you call me that, woman!!
Aeris: But it's so cute to call you Sephy!
Sephiroth: I know you don't realize this, but . . . I'm not cute, I'm evil!
Nexus: That's right, Sephiroth. Keep telling yourself that!
Karah: *laughing hysterically*
Sephiroth: What's wrong with her?
Nexus: Nothing . . .
Karah: *still laughing and pointing at Sephiroth's face*
Sephiroth: Why the hell is she pointing at me? *goes to the bathroom and sees his face in the mirror* GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Everyone: *bursts out laughing*
Sephiroth: Oh, you guys think you're so funny! I'll show you all one day!
Nexus: Keep telling yourself that! *laughs harder*
Abra: Nexus, I don't think you should antagonize him. He'll kill you if you're not careful.
Nexus: Who asked you, traitor?
Abra: Why'd you call me a traitor?
Nexus: You should know!
Abra: No, I don't know!
Nexus: Well, I say we should get going, right Vincent?
Vincent: Yea, we probably should.
Gabe: Great, here we go.
(So they all went to the Shinra Mansion, where Vincent last saw Rosso the Crimson.)
Sephiroth: Wow . . . this place brings back memories.
Nexus: Even THINK of burning down Nibelheim, I swear you're getting your ass kicked!
Sephiroth: Why would I burn it down?
Vincent: Because you did it once before . . .
Sephiroth: That may be, but I don't find any fun in burning things anymore . . .
Gabe: Sephiroth is saying he doesn't like burning things? That's a first!
Sephiroth: Yea . . . because summoning Super Nova is a lot more fun!!
Nexus: I knew it was too good to be true . . .
Sephiroth: What? You were expecting me to be good? HA! Yea right! I'm pure evil! I'll never change!
Nexus: Just like someone else I know . . .
Leah: Who?
Nexus: Nevermind. It's nothing.
Ben: Are you sure it's nothing?
Nexus: I'm pretty damn sure!
Vincent: Can we go inside now? I want to finish this once and for all!
Aeris: Hold on! We don't even know if Rosso is even here!
????: SO! You DID show up!
Vincent: *looks up, then back at Aeris* You were saying?
Aeris: I guess I was proven wrong . . .
Rosso: So, Vincent Valentine! You have come, why?
Vincent: I want you to stop stalking me!
Leah: That's right, Vincent! Tell her off!
Vincent: . . . .
Nexus: Why don't we just fight her?
Rosso: You think you can defeat the powerful Rosso the Crimson?
Sephiroth: We're gonna kick your crimson ass!
Rosso: I see. You really think I would be defeated by a bunch of fools.
Nexus: She just insulted Sephiroth! *laughs*
Sephiroth: Yea-- GODDAMN YOU, NEXUS!!!
Gabe: Hate to break it to you, Sephiroth, he's right, in a sense. She was referring to all of us.
Sephiroth: But he made it seem like she insulted only me . . . I'm gonna kick your ass, Nexus!
Nexus: Focus on Rosso, you idiot.
Vincent: Yes, please just focus on her, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Hell no! I'm going after Nexus! *runs at Nexus*
Nexus: HOLY SH** ON A SH** SANDWICH WITH SH** ON TOP!!! *runs away*
Sephiroth: GET BACK HERE!!!
Vincent: *sigh* Well, looks like it's just up to us.
Leah: I don't fight.
Ben: I didn't even bring a weapon!
Gabe: Sephiroth broke my sword . . .
Vincent: You guys suck.
Rosso: You ready, Vincent Valentine?
Vincent: Please! Have mercy!
Rosso: *walks over to Vincent and kisses him* That was great!
Vincent: *holding the urge to puke*
Nexus: *stops* Did I just see what I thought I saw?!
Sephiroth: *stops* HOLY CRAP!!
Gabe: That just isn't right . . .
Leah: What's so wrong with that?
Gabe: A heartless bitch kissed him.
Sora: *randomly pops out of nowhere* HEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRTLEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nexus: Sora . . . just go . . .
Sora: *pouts and leaves*
Rosso: Wow, he does that a lot, doesn't he?
Sephiroth: That he is. But we expect that out of him anyway.
Rosso: Okay . . . so, you all came here to fight me, right?
Nexus: We just want you to quit stalking Vincent.
Vincent: *still in a daze*
Rosso: You must be joking! I love Vincy-poo!
Sephiroth: You know what? Here, you can take him!
Nexus: What?! No way!
Sephiroth: Why? It's not like we talk to Vincent much anyway!
Vincent: I hate you, Sephiroth!
Nexus: There's no way in hell I'm gonna leave Vincent with her!
Sephiroth: *teleports everyone but Vincent and Rosso back to the Usual Spot*
Nexus: Sephiroth! What'd you do that for?!?!
Sephiroth: Look, even though we could have helped Vincent, we couldn't do much, all we had was you, me, and Vincent . . . well, not so much Vincent. Besides, he has to work it out with her himself. We can't get in the way.
Leah: As much as I hate to say it, he's right, Nexus.
Nexus: I guess . . .
Sephiroth: Exactly, and now we can say that this is the end of the Adventures of Nexus, the Limey Man!!
Nexus: Yea . . . HEY WAIT A MIN---
Sephiroth: Too late! It's the end!
The End!
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