(The story opens up with Sephiroth, Aeris, Kate, Abra, and Gabe sitting on the couch at Abra's house. Sephiroth is playing Final Fantasy VII while the others watch.)
Abra: Sephiroth, do you even know how to play Final Fantasy VII? You keep dying repeatedly.
Sephiroth: Shut up, woman! I know how to play the damn game! I just like seeing Cloud lose every time!
Abra: Don't tell me to shut up! This is my house and I can kick you out if I so choose!
Sephiroth: Abra, is it true that when you dress like Aeris that you look like her?
Abra: Yea, so? What's that got to do with the price of tea in China?
Sephiroth: Well, you'll die the same way as Aeris if you kick me out, let's put it that way!
Aeris: Sephiroth! That wasn't nice at all!!
Sephiroth: Said the woman who is already dead!
Kate: Well, the villain has a point.
Abra: And what point did he make? That he's obviously gonna kill me?!
Sephiroth: Oh come off it! I wasn't really gonna kill you . . . HEY!!! I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE THERE!!! Stupid Midgar Zolom, gives up right away . . .
Kate: Well, anyway, the point I believe he made was that Aeris can't talk about him not being able to kill you in the first place since she, herself, is already dead.
Aeris: I'm right freakin' here!!
Kate: Which goes completely against the laws of physics!
Gabe: Hey, Abra, you got anything good to eat around here? I'm starving!
Abra: Yea, there's food upstairs. Go have a look and find something.
Gabe: Hey, thanks!
(Gabe goes upstairs to the kitchen and browses through the fridge, as he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it and Nexus is standing outside.)
Gabe: Yo, dude! What's happening?
Nexus: Hey, just the guy I wanted to see! Dude, you know how we both totally hate Harry Potter, right?
Gabe: Yea, why do you ask?
Nexus: We're gonna give Harry Potter a bad name! We're gonna rob a bank as wizards!
Gabe: . . . yea, you totally lost it, man! I'm not robbing a bank while pretending to be a wizard! There's no way in hell!
Nexus: Dude, we have to! It's the perfect plan! We'll get off scott free and Harry Pothead will be to blame!
Abra: *comes upstairs* Oh, hi Nexus! What's up?
Gabe: He's got another one of his half-baked ideas in his head. He wants him and me to rob a bank as wizards in order to give Harry Potter a bad name.
Abra: As much as I loathe Harry Potter, I do have to say that your idea, Nexus, isn't very bright. You'll get thrown into jail!
Nexus: Not when the bank we rob is the First ShinRa National Bank! Rufus will just have a heart attack laughing!
Gabe: Well . . . true there. And we won't really be "robbing" a bank, will we?
Nexus: Hell no! It's not like we're "seriously" robbing a bank! I would never do that . . . unless I was held at gunpoint, but that's beside the point!
Gabe: Ok, good! I don't need a criminal record . . . er, more of one than I already have!
Abra: You have a criminal record? What did you do?
Gabe: Eh . . . I'd rather not talk about it. You really don't want to know.
Nexus: Yea, we don't need to know the details on what you've done in your past. We just gotta figure out how the hell we're gonna do this robbery!
Gabe: What's there to figure out? All we need to do is get some robes, get some wooden sticks for wands, maybe some masks to hide our faces, and then perform the robbery!
Nexus: Yea, but we don't want to screw up this robbery! It has to go smoothly!
Abra: You've given this whole robbery thing a lot of thought, haven't you?
Nexus: Damn right, I have! Look, I've already got the costumes, the wands, and even masks! We're going as Death Eaters!
Abra: What the hell are Death Eaters?
Nexus: Eh, followers of Voldecramp or something. But that's not the point! The point is, we're going as bad guys!
Gabe: Isn't his name "Voldemort"?
Nexus: . . . I don't even want to know how you know what the **** the guy's name is!
Gabe: Hey, I read the b-- . . . I mean . . . Sara told me!
Nexus: Dude, just shut up while you're ahead! Anyway, when should we perform the heist?
Abra: It doesn't matter to me, I'm not the one robbing anyone.
Nexus: Yes, you are! It's gonna be you, me, Gabe, Sephiroth, and Reno! If we do get seriously charged with robbing the bank, we'll just pin all of it on Sephiroth! Then he can do the whole "MY MOTHER MADE ME DO IT!!" scam, and he'll probably get sent to an insane assylum.
Sephiroth: *storms upstairs* WOMAN!! I'm hungry!! And your game cheats! That stupid wall thing in the Temple of the Anchients gave up too easily!
Nexus: What the hell are you doing down there?
Sephiroth: I WAS playing Final Fantasy VII, but since I keep winning every battle, there's just no point to it!
Abra: Sephiroth, you know that is the point of a video game: you're supposed to win!
Sephiroth: So? I like seeing Cloud die! Stupid prick! He never should have won against me!
Nexus: Hey, Sephiroth! I know of a way to make you feel better! How about helping us make fun of Harry Pothead by robbing a bank as wizards?
Sephiroth: . . . you must be joking.
Gabe: I was shocked at first, but now I want to do it, Sephiroth! But we need you to do it with us for the entire plan to work!
Sephiroth: Let me guess, it's because of my Masamune and God-like strength, right?
Nexus: Uh . . . sure, let's go with that!
Sephiroth: *thinks for a moment* . . . alright. I'm in.
Nexus: Alright! Now we just need to get Reno to join us.
Abra: Where is Reno, anyway?
Gabe: He's probably at the ShinRa Headquarters. We should probably go there to find him.
Sephiroth: You mean we all have to go to the ShinRa building? I'm out. I'm NOT going there ever again!
Nexus: Oh yes, you are! You're coming with us!!
(So off they went to the city of Midgar. They walked through the front doors of the ShinRa building where they met the receptionist.)
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Nexus: Yes, uh, we're here to see Reno.
Receptionist: I'm sorry, but none of the Turks are able to see anyone at this time. May I take a message?
Abra: Why can't we see Reno?
Receptionist: The Turks are busy. I'm not authorized to give you the information.
Sephiroth: Just let us in to see that damned Turk, Reno, or I'll be forced to shove my Masamune down your throat!
????: Ohohoho!! Is that who I think it is?
Sephiroth: . . . oh no. It can't be!
Hojo: Oh, but it is! I am your father, Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: AIYEEEEEE!!! *hides behind Abra* HIDE ME, WOMAN!!
Nexus: Get a hold of yourself, Sephiroth! Hojo! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Loserland?
Gabe: Damn, he gives me the creeps!
Hojo: Oh! If it isn't Nexus and Gabe! Two very good specimen indeed. *licks his lips*
Nexus: *hold back the urge to puke*
Gabe: *pukes all over the floor*
Abra: . . . ew!
Receptionist: *calls over the loudspeaker* Clean up in the reception area! I repeat: Clean up in the reception area!
Sephiroth: Now you know why I hate this perverted freak!
Hojo: Tsk tsk! What a shame. We could have been very good friends, Nexus and Gabe. Oh well, it would seem that I must be off to work on another experiment.
Gabe: *pukes some more*
Abra: Hold it in, Gabe! Nexus: Just get out of here, Hojo! Hojo: Alright, then! And be a good boy now,
Sephiroth! Make daddy proud! *walks off* Sephiroth: Can we leave, Nexus? I don't like it
here anymore! Nexus: Not until we see Reno! We need him for
the plan! Karah: *suddenly walks up* So you wish to see
Reno, huh? I think I can arrange that for you! Nexus: Oh, hey Karah! You can get us to see him?
That would be great! We kinda need him for a plan of ours! Karah: What sort of plan? Sephiroth: We're gonna rob a bank dressed as
Wizards in order to give Harry Potter a bad name. Stupid idea, I
know. Nexus: IT'S NOT A STUPID IDEA, PLANET BOY!!!
Sephiroth: Must you ALWAYS call me that?!
Karah: Are you serious? I WANNA HELP!!
Nexus: You sure? You know you could very easily
get in trouble and lose your job if you do this. Karah: Oh don't worry about me! I just wanna
help give Harry Potter a bad reputation like you guys are! Abra: Why not? I mean, we're all probably going
to go to jail for this. Ok, let her join in on it, Nexus. Nexus: Ok, you can join, Karah. Karah: Yay! *glomps Nexus* Nexus: Okay, yea! Get off of me and take us to
Reno! We want his help! Karah: Ok, he's in the conference
room. (In the conference room, Reno, Tseng, Rude,
and Elena are sitting and doing absolutely nothing.) Reno: *sigh* Yo, Tseng, what are we even doing
here if all we're doing is sitting here? Tseng: I dunno. Rufus wanted us in here for some
reason. I didn't bother to ask him why. Rude: . . . Reno: Rude! What do you think we should do?
Rude: . . . I dunno. Reno: Well this is really starting to piss me
off! Elena: Reno! Don't get so upset! Reno: Oh shut up, Elena! You know that you want
to get fired just as much as I do! I mean, Rufus usually fires me for
only a matter of minutes, then I'm back to work! Tseng: Quiet, Reno! Don't make me send you home
early! Reno: Why don't you? It's better than waiting
here for nothing to happen! Come on, Rude, why don't you and I get out of
here? Rude: Because it's our job. I don't want to get
fired. Reno: Yo! You barely get anything in the way of
cash! (A knock on the conference room door.)
Reno: Rude, get that, will you? Rude: *sighs and goes to answer the
door* Karah: Hey guys! I need Reno for a bit. May I
borrow him? Reno: Borrow me, kidnap me. I DON'T CARE!! Just
get me out of here!! Karah: *leads Reno out* Okay, Reno. We all need
to discuss something with you. Reno: If you're gonna fire me, I'll be the
happiest guy on earth! Nexus: No! We just want you're help with a
plan. Reno: Oh, really? What sort of plan is it?
Nexus: We're gonna rob the First ShinRa National
Bank, dressed as wizards! Reno: Hm, love the "rob Rufus' bank" thing, not
the "dress as wizards" thing. Sephiroth: We're doing it to make fun of Harry
Potter. Reno: Oh, really? Then count me in! Nexus: Alright! Now if all of you would kindly
head back to Abra's house, I'll go off to get the things so we can all
change! (Everyone but Nexus heads back to Abra's
house. They are all waiting patiently for Nexus to return.)
Abra: Ok, so we've gone over the plan, and
everyone is okay with it, right? Karah: Um . . . I guess. We go in, dressed as
wizards, and pretend to rob the bank. And once the police come, we run
like hell away from there. Sephiroth: That's the stupidest plan I've ever
heard! And I've heard some really stupid ideas in the past! Can't I at
least kill a few people? Abra: No! There will be NO killing here,
Sephiroth! Gabe: Remember, Sephiroth, we're not really
trying to get arrested here. Sephiroth: Grr, fine. But I still say we should
kill a few people. Like Hojo for instance! Reno: Okay, so when is Nexus supposed to
return? Abra: He'll be back any minute now. Just be
patient, Reno. Reno: You have no idea what I've been through
being patient like this . . . (The front door opens and Nexus comes in,
carrying a huge box full of costumes, masks, and fake wands.)
Nexus: Okay everyone! Here's all the stuff. Get
changed and we can hurry over to the bank and finally make fun of that
little prick, Harry Pothead! (Everyone grabs a costume, a mask, and a
wand. They all change into the costumes and come out looking like Death
Eaters.) Nexus: *sniff* You all make me so proud!
Sephiroth: How the hell are we making you
proud?! I feel like a queer! Reno: That's because you are one, Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: Can it, Turk boy! Abra: Be nice, you two! We don't want to screw
any of this up! Nexus: So you all have gone over the plan and
are ready for this? Gabe: Damn right, we are! Karah: Let's do this! Abra: I'm behind you, all the way, Nexus!
Reno: Darn tootin'! Sephiroth: *shrugs* Eh . . . *gets smacked by
Abra* DAMMIT!! Fine! I'm ready! Nexus: Alright then! Let's go! (At the First ShinRa National Bank, Red XIII
is working as one of the employees. He's sitting there looking bored,
with Barret and Cid right behind him, taunting him.) Barret: Hey, yo, Cid! What do you think this
thing is, anyway?! DAMN! He don't even know his own species! Red: I hate you both. Cid: %^$&^$&$#^&$^%$%^$%#&^#$&$%#$%#%^$#$&%
^$&!!!! Barret: Damn, right, foo'! We should teach this
here thing some manners! Red: Like you ever had any! Barret: WHAT DID THE CAT/RAT/MOO/STUMP THING SAY
TO ME?!?!?! Cid: %$&^$&#$^$*&$$^&#$#$%#&$#!!! Red: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?!
(The front doors burst open and the gang
starts shouting at everyone in the store.) Nexus: ALRIGHT! EVERYONE ON THE FLOOR!!! THIS IS
A STICK-UP!! Reno: DO AS THE MAN SAYS! GET ON THE F***ING
FLOOR!! Gabe: Hey, you! *points to Abra* Go get the
money from them! Abra: *walks up to Red* GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY,
OR I'LL AVADA KADAVRA YOUR ASS!!! Red: But . . . I only have paws! I can't handle
the money! And wait . . . Avada Kadavra? Who the hell are you people?
Karah: *walks up next to Abra* DO AS SHE SAYS,
YOU . . . what the hell are you anyway?! Barret: SEE?! THE ROBBER DON'T EVEN KNOW!!!
Karah: DID I SAY YOU CAN TALK?!?! *aims the wand
at Barret* EXPECTO PATRONUM!! Kikka: *pops up out of Karah's pocket and
attacks Barret* KEEKEEKEEKEEKEE!!! Barret: DAMN, FOO'!! GET THIS THING OFF ME!!!
Red: Yea, I'd rather not. Sephiroth: *stands up against the wall reading a
magazine* Meh . . . Nexus: *walks over to Sephiroth* You know, you
ain't really helping much! Sephiroth: I know. I'm letting you all do the
work! Nexus: Hardass. (Sirens begin to sound off outside the
building. The police come in and aim their guns at the robbers.)
Officer: DROP YOUR WEAPONS!!! Nexus: . . . IT WAS HIS IDEA!!! *points at
Sephiroth and runs* Sephiroth: Wait . . . WHAT?!?!?! (Abra, Karah, Reno, and Gabe all run past the
cops, leaving Sephiroth behind.) Sephiroth: DON'T THINK I WON'T REMEMBER THIS,
NEXUS!!! Officer: You're under arrest!! (Sephiroth is now put on trial. He's standing
before the judge in court.) Judge: It says here that you are also charged
with the destruction of Nibelheim as well as the near destruction of the
Planet. How do you pleade, Sephiroth? Sephiroth: . . . MY MOTHER MADE ME DO THAT!! As
for the robbery . . . IT WAS SOMEONE ELSES' IDEA!!! Judge: Who? Sephiroth: *walks up to the judge and whispers
in his ear* Judge: Okay then. You're free to go. Officer! I
need you to go somewhere else! (Sephiroth returns to Abra's house. There,
Nexus, Abra, Gabe, Karah, and Reno are all waiting for him.)
Nexus: So how did you escape prison, let alone
an insane assylum? Sephiroth: Easy! I just blamed it on two other
people. Abra: Who did you blame it on? Sephiroth: *evil grin* Hehehehe! (The police arrive at Calla's house. They
break in, and arrest both Calla and Beth.) Calla: What did we do?! Officer: SHUT UP!! *smacks her*
Beth: DON'T HIT HER, YOU ASS!! Officer: Resisting arrest, you both will be in
jail for a LONG time! Calla and Beth: NUUUUUUU!!! The End!
Click here to go back
to the ramble's page! Click here to go back to the home page!