Author's note: Was not in right mind when writing this ... and yes ... be forwarned .... there's yaoi in this ramble.
Reno: *takes a drink of beer* Man, we are living the life!
Irvine: You said it, buddy!
Sephiroth: What are you two talking about?
Reno: We're just making small talk.
Sephiroth: Yea, well you're acting really retarded, so knock it off.
Irvine: If Nexus and Rayna were here, they'd kick your ass!
Sephiroth: *mockingly* Myeh myeh myeh nya, myeh myeh nya neh, bleh! You guys make me sick.
Reno: Shut up. We didn't ask you for your opinion anyway.
Sephiroth: My opinion is wanted by all people!
Irvine: Not really.
Sephiroth: *stabs* Yes it is!
Irvine: Ow! Stop stabbing me!
Reno: Yea! Stop being mean!
Sephiroth: Oh please.
Vincent: *walks in* Hello, Angel.
Sephiroth: Why are you always calling me "angel"?
Vincent: *wraps his arm around Sephiroth* Because I love you, Angel.
Sephiroth: *sweatdrop* Uh . . .
Reno: *gulp* That's just sick!
Irvine: I think I'm gonna puke!
Vincent: Oh, you know it's a beautiful thing.,/p>
Sephiroth: No, it's not! It's sick!
Vincent: B-but Angel, I love you! *kisses his cheek*
Sephiroth: VINCENT! WHAT THE HELL!!
Reno: That's gross!!
Irvine: *pukes in the trash can*
Sephiroth: That's disgusting!
Vincent: Yes! Puking was gross.
Sephiroth: I was referring to you kissing me, Vincent.
Nexus: *walks in* Hey, what are you guys arguing about now?
Rayna: If you killed someone again, Sephiroth, I'm gonna have to kick your ass.
Sephiroth: I didn't kill anyone! But someone kissed me!
Nexus: You don't seem to thrilled about that though.
Sephiroth: Would you be thrilled if it was VINCENT?!?!
Vincent: Hehe.
Nexus: . . .
Rayna: I think it's adorable!
Sephiroth: YOU THINK WHAT?!?!
Reno: Didn't you hear her the first time? She said it was--
Sephiroth: I heard her!
Irvine: Well then you should have said so.
Sephiroth: No one asked you, Cowboy Geek!
Vincent: Oh, be nice, Angel. *kisses him again*
Sephiroth: Would you stop that?!
Nexus: I have to admit, that's a little gross.
Rayna: It's beautiful.
Sephiroth: No, it's not!!
Nexus: Okay, I'm changing the subject from this horrible topic! Irvine! You got a letter.
Irvine: I did? Who from?
Nexus: I dunno, it just has San Diego written on the return address.
Irvine: Oh! That's my brother! San Diego!
Rayna: Your brother is named after a city?
Irvine: Yup. All my siblings are named after cities.
Nexus: That's weird. But here, read it. *hands him the letter*
Irvine: *reads it* Wow! They want me to come out to the family farm!
Gabe: *walks in* Hey, everyone, guess what?
Karah: *walks in* Yea! Guess what!
Nexus: If Sephiroth plugged up the head again, I swear . . .
Sephiroth: Urge to destroy world rising . . .
Nexus: Shut up.
Gabe: Actually, me and Karah are now dating!
Rayna: Congrats!
Nexus: Way to go!
Reno: Awww, does this mean I can't stare anymore?
Karah: Hehe, aww, Reno-kun! You know you can always oggle me! Besides, you're my bitch!
Reno: Woopie! *takes a drink*
Nexus: Yea, good for you, Reno. *back to Irvine* So, you're gonna go the farm, eh?
Irvine: Why, I sure am! But I also want a few other people to come with me!
Sephiroth: Oh joy, gotta keep the Cowboy Geek company.
Irvine: If it's not too much trouble, I want Nexus, Rayna, Abra, Tori, Ray, Karah, Gabe, Tifa, Aerith, Rinoa, Reno, Rufus, Reeve, Tseng, Rude, Vincent, Barret, Cid, Red, and . . . believe it or not . . . Sephiroth . . . to go with!
Nexus: *glares at Sephiroth* You're going.
Sephiroth: I didn't say anything!
Reno: I bet he knew what you were thinking, yo!
Sephiroth: No one asked your opinion.
Reno: *mockingly* But everyone wants my opinion.
Sephiroth: *stabs* SHUT UP, NOOB!!
Nexus: Stop that, you baka!
Sephiroth: Don't call me a baka!
Nexus: Omae wa baka desu!
Sephiroth: Iie! Omae wa Kaa-san faku desu!
Nexus: Omae no Kaa-san faku!
Sephiroth: *gasps* TAKE . . . THAT . . . BACK!!!
Nexus: Ohh, yes, it was all . . . like . . . *moans mockingly* and like . . . "OHH GOD!!" . . . and no wonder she didn't move . . .
Rayna: What the hell?
Sephiroth: *glows bright red with anger*
Gabe: What did you say to him?
Nexus: I basically said I f***ed his mom.
Karah: I think he's really peeved about that.
Nexus: Oh please. It's not like I really did it.
Sephiroth: I'LL KILL YOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!
Rayna: You do and you die!
Sephiroth: *growl*
Irvine: So, you guys in?
Nexus: Sure, I'm in.
Rayan: I'll go.
Gabe: Will there be hot babes?
Karah: *smacks Gabe* Don't even think about it!
Gabe: . . . sorry, babe.
Karah: Aww, you know I can't stay mad at you, hunny bun!
Sephiroth: You guys make me sick.
Nexus: Your face makes me sick.
Sephiroth: You ass.
Nexus: Thanks. I try. Well, let's call up everyone and get going, shall we?
Irvine: Yup! Let's get going! I can't wait to see everyone again!
(So Nexus calls up everyone that Irvine wanted to come along. They get in the van that they have and drive off to the middle of nowhere.)
Abra: So, Irvine, why did we all have to come?
Sephiroth: Because he's an even bigger Chickenwuss than Chickenwuss!
Irvine: Hey! Don't call me a Chickenwuss!
Sephiroth: You're right. You're a Cowboy Geek!
Tori: Hey! Be nice, Sephiroth!
Ray: He'll never be nice, because he's badassed like that!
Sephiroth: Damn right! And uh . . . Ray, why are you dressed like Axel?
Ray: Because I feel like it?
Tori: She cosplays as Axel a lot. So it's to be expected.
Nexus: Mhm. She looks a lot like Axel, don't you think?
Sephiroth: Yea, she does . . . which isn't a good thing.
Ray: HEY!!
Sephiroth: Well, it isn't.
Nexus: Enough fighting, or I'm gonna turn this damn van around!
Irvine: You wouldn't really do that, would you?
Nexus: It's more or less an empty threat.
(A loud pop is heard and smoke rises from the engine.)
Sephiroth: What the hell?
Rayna: Oh great, the car's broken.
Karah: This sucks.
Sephiroth: Damn, I'll get it started!
Gabe: I'll help!
(Sephiroth, Gabe, and Nexus go out to look at the engine.)
Rayna: Who's hand is that?!
Irvine: It's mine.
Rayna: Oh, okay.
Irvine: . . . Um, keep it there?
Rayna: No!
Irvine: *frowns* Oh . . .
Sephiroth: Well, to me, it looks like the engine overheated.
Gabe: It may be a while before we move again.
Tori: It's not the only thing that's overheated in here. *takes Irvine's other hand out from under her shirt*
Irvine: Oh, come on, baby! I was just kiddin'! You're the only one for me!
Rayna: Then why is your hand on my--
Irvine: Not in front of Nexus!
Nexus: Oh please, I knew about it already.
Ray: Look! There's a cabin up there!
(Tori, Ray, and Rayna go up together, leaving everyone else behind. They see a guy outside playing hickish music on a banjo. his pants are way too short for him, no shoes and has a rope belt. He's also filthy.)
Tori: Um, excuse me, Mr. . . . um . . .
Hick: Yous can jes call me Cuzin' Maxwell you purdy laaaaaaaady. *grins a toothless grin*
(It starts to rain.)
Maxwell: Why don't you purdy gals come on inside? Don't need y'all to catch them there ringworms. I'd love ter see y'all in your purdy little wet t-shirts, though! *winks both eyes at the wrong time*
(They all exchange looks and follow him inside.)
Rayna: Why are we all following him?
Ray: I don't know . . .
(The three of them go into the ramshackled cabin. It's very small with only 3 rooms and smells like lard and feet. There's a toothless old man in a rocking chair in the corner. There's an oddly still cow in the other corner.)
Maxwell: Well, you purdy little wheat bags, I'll go rustle y'all up sumthin' ter wear. Why don't y'all chat with grampa fer awhile? *leaves*
Grandpa: *cackles*
Rayna: *sweatdrop*
Grandpa: I gots ter pass me some funky fumes!
Girls: *race to the other side of the house*
Grandpa: HOOEE!! Now I gots me some swangin' room! *wiggles legs around*
Ray: So, have you been a hick long?
Grandpa: All my life. You know, you kinda remind me of Momma. *licks his lips*
Tori: Isn't that your daughter?
Grandpa: *licks lips*
Girls: *shiver*
(Maxwell returns with some rags in hand.)
Maxwell: Looks like I found yew gals somethin' purdy to wear! Jest like yew'd find in one o' them bootigues in Parrie. We was diggin ourselves a simmin' hole, and our dear departed Momma came floatin' back up in the sewage. You'd look right purdy in her dress tho! Be careful, she died of diptheria!
(Rayna takes the dress and shudders. She puts it on over her outfit and it's like 9 sizes too big.)
Maxwell: You look like a quarter of Momma. *licks lips* Y'all should meet Flossy! *shows a picture of a dewy eyed, fluffy white sheep with pink bows*
Rayna: Oh! That looks adorable! Can I meet it?
Tori: Can I pet it?
Maxwell: Sure! Come on, Flossy! Someone wants ter meet ya!
(A sheep with one short leg, a tattered bow lying limply off its torn ear, a cloudy eye, and another eye that looks in the other direction comes out, and as it walks, clumps of wool fall to the ground.)
Ray: *jaw drops* That thing looks sick.
Maxwell: Yea, well, she's got about 8 of them what you call 'em . . . S-Q-Z's?
Rayna: Don't you mean STD's? *disgusted look*
Grandpa: *licks lips* She served us well.
Flossy: *baas and twitches*
Maxwell: I wrote this purdy song fer ya, on account o' your so loverly. *starts playing same hickish song he played when they came up*
Tori: Weren't you playing that when we got here?
Maxwell: You city slickers think you're so smart with your fancy city things, like shoes and teeth.
Grandpa: And them there pencils that dun need sharpenin'. *scowls*
Girls: *exchange looks* Yea, and that.
Maxwell: You've disgraced our family too much! You step outta that there fine garment, it's too good for the likes of yew, city slicker!
Rayna: *steps out of the mu-mu easily and it falls to the ground* No problem.
(They start to leave.)
Maxwell: And to think I thought you were purdier than my best cow Bessie!
Rayna: That thing is DEAD!!
Maxwell: *violent sobbing*
(The girls race off back to the van.)
Nexus: So how was it in there?
Girls: *scared looks*
Tifa: Was it really that bad?
Rayna: Just go!
Reno: Oh, come on, it can't be that bad.
Tori: Drive! NOW!!
Nexus: Okay, okay! Don't have a hissy fit! *drives off*
Reno: Anyway . . . Sing it! 99 bottles of beer on the wall . . .
Sephiroth: Oh god! Cowboy Geek! How much longer?
Irvine: Only about 3 hours.
Sephiroth: UGH!!
Reno: Take one down, pass it around! 98 bottles of beer on the wall!
Karah: Three whole hours?! Gabe! Entertain me!
Gabe: What the hell do you want me to do?
Karah: I don't know. Never mind. I'm cranky. Shut up!
Tifa: What else is new?
Karah: SHUT THE HELL UP, SKANK!!
(3 hours later . . . )
Aerith: If one more bottle of beer falls off that wall, I'm gonna--
Irvine: We're here!
Aerith: Whoo hoo!! *jumps out the window*
Nexus: But the van didn't sto--
Aerith: OUCH!!
Nexus: . . . nevermind.
Sephiroth: Hehehe!
Rayna: Don't laugh!!
(It's a beautiful ranch.)
Irvine: Hey, we're here! Belreve at last!
Tseng: That means beautiful Reeve, doesn't it? *sweatdrops* Er . . .
Irvine: Actually, it means beautiful "dream".
(Then 9 guys come out of the house. One is an old man, one is middle aged, one is really ugly, and the rest are apparently really good looking.)
Girls: *drool*
Irvine: Everyone, meet my family. This is Gramps, my Pa, and my brothers: Houston, Dallas, Austin, Colorado, San Diego, and Billy Bob. Look guys, these are the sluts--er . . . girls I was tellin' you about.
Karah: They're all hot . . . except Billy Bob.
Billy Bob: *waves weird* Billy Bob!
Pa: We don't know what happened with Billy Bob. I put some turpintine in Ma's tea by accident when she was with child.
Tori: I think San Diego is hot!
Other girls: He must be gay.
San Diego: *puts on mascara* Hi-i!
Pa: I have 6 ladies men . . . and one . . . man's man. We cursed him from birth.
San Diego: *to reeve* Well howdy! How do you get your hair so nice?
Reeve: *sweatdrops*
Tseng: *glares*
(Austin goes over to Ray.)
Austin: Well, hey there, sexy.
Ray: Hehe!
(Houston goes up to Tori.)
Houston: Are you from Tennasee? Cause you're the only ten I see!
Tori: Oddly enough, yes.
Houston: . . . well damn.
(Colorado goes up to Rayna.)
Colorado: Howdy.
Rayna: Could you teach me how to lasso a real cowboy?
Colorado: I could teach ya more than that. *takes a hand and begins to kiss it*
Rayna: Well, that's all good and all . . .
Nexus: But that's MY hand you're kissing!!
Rufus: Gross . . .
Sephiroth: You said it, Shachou . . .
Colorado: My apologies.
Nexus: Just back off of my girlfriend, man.
Colorado: We'll see who wins the love of this beautiful woman.
Rayna: *blush*
(Dallas goes over to Karah.)
Dallas: Well, howdy! You know, there's 150 different words for my kind of lovin'?
Karah: Hehe, really? Care to enhance my vocabulary?
Dallas: I'll enhance more than that.
Gabe: *glare*
Dallas: Oho? I take it you are the lover of this fine lookin' woman?
Gabe: Damn right, I am!
Karah: Hush, luv. The grown-ups are talking.
Gabe: Excuse me?!
Karah: Hehe, you know I'm only kidding.
(Billy Bob goes over to Aerith and Tifa.)
Billy Bob: Can I barn toss ya?
Aerith: What the hell is that?
Billy Bob: That's when I take a bale o' hay an--
Tifa: Okay! I don't think we want to know!
San Diego: So, you're Reeve, huh?
Reeve: Yup.
San Diego: You know, we named it Belreve because we knew you was comin'. *winks*
Tseng: Uh, yea. Sure. *frowns*
Irvine: See? Told y'all I was hangin' around these here sluts-- er, women.
Pa: I guess you was right, ther, son. But now that y'all got yerselves acquainted, I need to tell y'all why I had San Diego brought ya's here.
(Everyone goes into the house. By the fire is Ma, all shriveled and old, in her wedding dress.)
Irvine: Hey, ma!
Ma: ........
Irvine: Ma! It's me, Irvine! Your youngest son!
Sephiroth: Hey, wait a minute, cowboy geek. Aren't you an orphan?
Irvine: *shifty eyes* No . . . Actually, I made all that shit up just to shut Rinoa up. It's the GF.
Rinoa: Wait . . . WHAT?!?!
Pa: Why don't you young wipper snappers get all settled down and then you can come down to dinner and I'll explain why yous all came here.
(Austin grins at Ray.)
Austin: You can freshin up in my room. I'll help you wash up for dinner. *winks*
Ray: *grins dreamily* Okay . . .
(Houston turns to Tori.)
Houston: I'll show you my family jewels.
Tori: Oh, you have a vault here?
Houston: *shifty eyes* Yeah, that's it.
Reno: I don't trust him.
Rufus: You don't trust anyone.
Reno: I mostly don't trust you!
Rufus: Watch yourself, Reno.
(Colorado turns to Rayna.)
Colorado: If I told ya you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Rayna: *giggles* I'll do more than that.
Colorado: Woo-doggie! I think I hears a chorus!
Nexus: Yea? Well, my foot's gonna sound like the chorus of a thousand--
Sephiroth: *smacks him*
Nexus: REVENGE!! REVEEEENGE!!!
Sephiroth: Oh, shut up.
(Dallas turns to Karah.)
Dallas: All those curves and me with no brakes.
Karah: *grins* That's okay, my shocks are out. *winks*
Gabe: I don't have any brakes either, Karah.
Karah: Quiet, Gabe, you've already stalled.
Gabe: Hey, I'm the bumpiest ride you'll ever have!
Karah: *rolls eyes and walks off with Dallas*
Billy Bob: I like black hair. *pets Tifa*
Tifa: Get off me, you freak!
Billy Bob: Wanna wrastle? Bet I can make you sqeal like a piggy.
Tifa: Ew!! He's even more perverted than Reno!
Reno: Hehe, you wish I was that perverted.
San Diego: *runs a hand up Reeve's arm* Wanna come upstairs? It's the YMCA--young, male country animal. *growls*
Reeve: Um, I'm straight.
San Diego: Sure you are. *drags him upstairs*
Tseng: What the hell?! If he gets any before I do . . . I . . . I'm gonna cry.
Sephiroth: I hear you, man.
Nexus: Hey, babe, let's go look and see if there's anything good to eat around here.
Rayna: Sure!
(Nexus and Rayna go to the kitchen and open the fridge, Rufus and Seph follow them. Nexus opens the fridge and it's full of whipped cream, chocolate syrup, beer, and nutella. That's it.)
Rayna: Boy, they must have some really high sugar levels around here. *sweatdrops*
Rufus: Oh good god.
Nexus: Hehe, gives you some kinky ideas, eh? *turns to see Rufus and Seph* Okay, you two cannot join in.
Sephiroth: Don't flatter yourself.
Rufus: *pales*
Nexus: Rufus, I was just kidding. Damn. Rufus?
Rayna: Hehe, while we were on the trip here, I kinda showed him a picture . . .
Nexus: What kind of picture?
Rayna: Him and Reno . . . you know.
Nexus: *sweatdrops* Damn, that sucks.
(The girls go off into their respective room, and Reeve goes into San Diego's room sometime later. The guys file down the hallway, frowning. Suddenly, they hear a noise from Dallas' room.)
Karah's voice: OH GOD YES!! I NEVER KNEW IT WOULD BE THIS WAY!!!
Gabe: *growls* That son of a bitch!
Karah's voice: OH, DALLAS IS MY FAVORITE STATE!
Dallas' voice: It's a city . . .
Karah's voice: WHATEVER! OH!
Gabe: *twitches*
(Colorado is still trying to get Rayna upstairs.)
Colorado: Oh, come on, babe! You jus' gotta give me sum luvin!
Rayna: I was just doing a little flirting. That's all.
Nexus: Yea! So back off, buddy!
(Noises from Austin's room.)
Ray: OH BABY! I'M AT THE TOP OF THE LONE STAR STATE!!
Austin: I'll give ya a full tour o' Texas!
Reno: I was better. I can tell by the emotion in her voice. *tear*
Sephiroth: Keep dreaming.
(All you can hear from Billy Bob's room is a brief scuffle, then the sound of a vase breaking, then Abra come out, brushing her hands off.)
Abra: Hey, boys!
(From Houston's room.)
Tori: Oh, Rude! Er . . . Antonio? Los Angeles? Ohio? Buffalo? Slovakia? Afghanistan?
Houston: Uh, no, it's Houston, remember?
Tori: Oh yea. Must be the heat.
Houston: I can get you hotter.
Tori: Yea, sure you can.
(From San Diego's room.)
San Diego: You are cute.
Reeve: Uh . . . thanks.
Tseng: *narrows eyes* Don't touch him, don't touch him, don't touch him! Er, I swear, I should just go in there!
Reeve: *moans*
Tseng: That's it! *goes in*
Guys: *sweat drops*
(Irvine, however, takes AErith into his room.)
Irvine: I'm the wildest ride in the west!
Aerith: Damn straight!!!!
Sephiroth: *grits teeth* Well, I'm the best ride in the planet!!
Rufus: This trip sucks.
(All the girls stumble out of the rooms at the same time in sweats and out of breath. They're followed by their respective Kinneas who is adjusting his belt, fly, etc.)
Aerith: *out of breath* I gotta marry into this family!!
Sephiroth: *growls*
(They all go down to dinner and sit.)
Pa: Now, down to business.
Kinneas brothers: We just took care of that.
Pa: Anyway, son, I called you back here with all your friends because the farm's goin' down.
Gabe: Apparently that's not the only thing goin' down around here.
Pa: Well I meant to say the farm was goin' under.
Guys: *mumble* Yea, that too.
Pa: Someone has been stealing our prized cattle.
Houston: What kind of twisted jack rabbit would steal our prized cattle and try to send our family into ruin? They're trying to ruin our good, untarnished name. Makes me sick. *spits*
Tori: That's so manly. Rude can't spit.
Rude: *tries to spit, but it hits Rufus*
Rufus: EW!! I have another man's spit on me!! EW EW!!
Irvine: I think you really scarred him for life, Rayna.
Rayna: Quiet, you.
(Dinner breaks off, and all the girls except Rayna all the Kinneas Brothers except Irvine, plus Reeve go off leaving Rayna, Irvine, and the other guys with Pa, Ma, and Gramps.)
Reno: *mutters* What's with Irvine's stupid brothers? They're not that hot.
Tseng: Yes they are.
Rufus: Shut up, Tseng.
Nexus: So, you're the youngest, huh, Irvine?
Irvine: I sure am.
Pa: Yeah, Ma and I both had a little too much tequila that night.
Irvine: *blinks* You mean I was a mistake?!
Pa: *shifty eyes* Uh . . . no.
Rayna: *blinks* Uh, yea. So are you close with all your brothers?
Irvine: Mostly. Except for Billy Bob. And San Diego. And Houston.
Rude: Why not Houston?
Irvine: *shrugs* He's the oldest.
Nexus: What is he, like 30?
Irvine: 30! He's 23! We were all born in a row!
Rayna: In a row?! Your poor mother!
Ma: *shakes finger at Pa* I told you!
Pa: Please, don't get her all fired up!
Rayna: Uh . . . sorry.
Gramps: *raises eyebrows at Rayna* Hey there, cowgirl.
Rayna: *looks uncomfortable and mutters* Irvine . . . Your grandfather's hitting on me.
Irvine: Aw, pay him no mind. I'm gonna go get some stuff on the fridge, and then we can turn in for the night, all right? *wink*
Rayna: All right.
(Irvine leaves.)
Reno: Hey, your sons don't have any diseases, do they?
Rufus: *mutters* None you don't already have, I'm sure.
Reno: I heard that! *eyes narrow* You know, Rufus, if you want to know for yourself . . .
Rufus: *covers ears* I can't hear you! La, la, la! I can't hear you, Reno!
Reno: *laughs* Now, that's funny!
Gramps: You're such a purdy, perky young thing. *raises eyebrows*
Rayna: *shifts away* Uh . . . thanks . . . I think.
Sephiroth: Hey, Rayna, I could beat his ass if you want me to.
Rayna: Uh, no. Thanks for the suggestion though, uh, Sephiroth.
Irvine: *comes in* Hey! Rayna! I got whipped cream . . . *winks*
Nexus: You already had your fun, cowboy geek!
Sephiroth: *mutters bad things about Irvine*
Gabe: So I guess we're gonna go look out for any cattle stealin' varmant tomorrow. *gets up and stretches*
FF Guys: *blink*
Gabe: What?
Sephiroth: You said 'varmant'. What's that crap about?
Gabe: I did not.
Nexus: You did too.
Gabe: Leave me alone! I'm going to bed!! *stomps out*
(The next morning, the girls are sitting around the breakfast table.)
Ray: I don't know about you guys, but I had some night.
Tifa: I didn't.
Aerith: I did!
Tori: I did!
Karah: That makes four of us!
Tifa: I didn't.
Abra: I didn't either.
Rayna: It was good.
Tifa: I didn't.
Ray: Oh, I'm sorry, whore. Did you say something?
Tifa: Billy Bob is freaking me out.
Abra: Same here!
Karah: Don't worry. Tonight we're just going to be watching for the cattle stealer, so I'm sure he won't try anything in the dark in the nice cushy hay.
Tifa and Abra: *gives her a look*
Karah: Oops.
(Meanwhile . . . in another room . . . the guys are gathered.)
Gabe: This sucks! We aren't getting any!
Reno: Those dumb Kinneas brothers are hogging all the chicks!
Tseng: And one certain non-chick. *pouts*
Sephiroth: Not that I was getting any before, but this is even worse.
Vincent: I'm still here, Angel.
Sephiroth: If I ever want you, you'll be the first to know.
Vincent: *frowns*
Rude: Hm. Just cause that guy's richer than me.
Rufus: It seems like every guy in this house is more desirable than we are.
(Grandpa walks out of a room, zipping his fly.)
Gramps: Anyone want a go? *grins*
Guys: *gasp*
(Distant baa-aaing is heard.)
Guys: *sighs of relief* . . . Ew . . .
Rufus: Uh, ya know, I . . . uh . . . goota go do that thing now. *leaves*
Reno: I gotta help.
Sephiroth: I think I'm needed in the barn.
Vincent: I must follow my angel.
(The other guys make excuses and go away. That leaves Grandpa alone with Angelo.)
Gramps: *winks*
Angelo: *whimpers and runs away*
(Meanwhile, outside ... Red is leading Barret and Cid around.)
Red: You see that creature? That is called a hen. Do I resemble that?
Barret: No . . . not really.
Cid:^%$*^$*$*^$*%$*$*$!!!
Barret: Cid don't think so neither.
Red: Thank you. Therefore, you can see I am not a hen. Over there is a cow. Do I look like a cow?
Barret: Well ya ain't black n' white...
Red: Do I look like that at all??
Barret: ... no.
Cid: ^&%&^%(&T%(^%(!!!
Barret: Cid don't think so neither.
Red: Very well. Therefore you may no longer call me a cow. Over there is a pig. Do I look like a pig?
Barret: You're kinda da same color...
Red: No. No I am not.
Cid:*%^$*%^$*^%$*$(#*^$#!!!
Barret: Cid said you ain't no pig.
Red: That is correct. I am not a pig.
Barret: ... ya sure?
Red: Yes. I am very sure.
Cid: &^%(&^%(&^(&$%$*$^%$&*!!!
(In the barn, Irvine, Rufus, Sephiroth, Vincent, Reno, and Nexus have gathered.)
Irvine: My pa bought all his sons a pony and named 'em after us!
Reno: So you're telling me there's a horse named Irvine?
Irvine: Yes sirre! So, who wants to ride Irvine?
Rufus: Ew, no! That's gross man!
Irvine: I'm just talking about the horse, Rufus.
Rufus: *shudders* No!! I can't! It just sounds so wrong!
Reno: Besides, Irvine . . . *puts an arm around Rufus and jokes* You know Rufus is mine.
Rufus: AH!!!!!!!! I AM NOT!!!!!!!! *runs out*
Reno: *laughs* Oh, that was too damn funny.
Irvine: So come on! Someone must wanna ride Irvine!
Nexus: No thanks.
Sephiroth: *sighs* Fine, I will.
Irvine: Great!
Reno: *whispers to Vincent* I knew Seph secretly liked Irvine.
Sephiroth: I heard that!!
(Later, back at the farmhouse . . .)
Sephiroth: I rode Irvine.
Rayna: *pales*
Sephiroth: The horse, the horse!!
Dallas: You know, Karah, you have one hell of a Tex-ass!
Karah: Your Tex-ass ain't too bad either. *grin*
Austin: Hey, Ray?
Ray: What, babe?
Austin: Do you have a Rolaid? Because my heart's burning for you!
Ray: Well, I can't say I'm shocked since you're so hot!
Houston: Tori ... I got you a present -- me!
Tori: Ha ha. No really, did you get me something?
Houston: Uh . . . no. It was just a line.
Tori: That's not funny or cute. You owe me a gift. *pouts*
Irvine: *cuddling up to Aerith* Hey, Aerith, if god paid for our sins, let's go get our money's worth.
Aerith: Irvine! . . . not in front of your brothers.
Tseng, Reeve, and San Diego: . . . . . .
San Diego: So, do you wanna do the three-way or not?
Tseng and Reeve: NO!
Billy Bob: *pets Abra* I like blonde hair.
Abra: Ehhhh . . . If you weren't Irvine's brother, I'd kick you in the nuts . . .
Pa: You kids ready to go spy?
Irvine: We sure are!
Pa: Now this is not make out time! You have to concentrate on spyin' and not anything else!
Kinneas Brothers: Oh . . .
Pa: Thas right, boys. I'm askin' ya to ignore everythin' I ever taught ya. I know it's gonna be hard, but we gotta save our family name!
Houston: We won't let you down, pa!
Austin: We'll catch whoever's stealin' our cattle!
Dallas: And we'll string 'em up!
San Diego: We'll tar 'em!
Colorado: And feather 'em!
Irvine: And drop 'em in the river!
Billy Bob: Yeah! Der-hur!
(So that night, the girls and their respective Kinneas brothers as well as Nexus crowd around the sides of the cow pen. Besides the random moans, etc, they are all concentrating as three dark and shadowy figures appear.)
Nexus: Shhh, there they are!
(They all crowd and watch intently.)
???: This is gonna kick ass!
???: Shut up, Reno.
Reno: You can't tell me to shut up!
Rufus: I'm your boss, so yes I can! So, shut up, or we'll get caught!
Reno: It's a cow! K-O-*gets kicked* ow!!!
???: Are you okay, Reno?
Reno: Yeah, everything's cool. Thanks, Tseng.
Rufus: *whispers to Reno* Hey, ya know, they say that if you can milk a cow, you're gay . . .
Reno: Aww, Rufus, baby! How'd you know! *grin*
Rufus: *pales* I wasn't even talking aobut you! *points to Tseng*
Ray: What are they doing?!
Karah: I have no clue, but if Reno starts having sex with the cow . . .
Rayna: *smacks her* Shut up!
Rufus: Hey Tseng, why don't you milk this cow? It'll fall over easier!
Tseng: Okay. *sits on the ground and starts milking the cow*
Rufus and Reno: *snicker*
Reno: Good one, Rufus!
Rufus: Shut up, Reno.
Reno: No, you!
Tori: . . . this is sick . . .
Billy Bob: Yea, that cow hasn't milked for months . . .
Tori: . . . . . . . . . . . . *sweatdrops*
Abra: Cows are cute!
Nexus: Airhead.
Abra: Shut up! *pushes him over*
Tseng: There, all milked out.
Rufus: Good, now we can start. What ya gotta do is get your shoulder into the side so they'll fall over when you push up. Got it?
Reno: Wow, I've never done this before!
Rufus: There are a lot of things you've never done, Reno.
Reno: You're right! I haven't fully made love to you yet, Rufy!
Rufus: *pales more* Just push! *heaves his shoulder into a cow and it falls over* Heh heh. I'm macho!
Nexus: That's what they're doing?
Abra: What are they doing anyway?
Colorado: Cow tippin'. *proud grin* The pride and joy of the rebels in the west.
Ray: Sounds dumb to me.
Austin: I love cow tippin'!
Ray: But then again, I'm always open to new culture, heh heh.
Reno: I can't do it, Shachou!
Rufus: You sound like that cowboy freak, Irvine.
Irvine: Hey!!!!!! *low growls*
Rufus: C'mon, it's not that hard, Reno!
Tseng: I can't do it, either.
Rufus: Oh man, you two are so ... *trails off and pushes another cow, creating a domino effect with the others*
Tseng: *examines one cow that is staring at him with little hearts for eyes* I think this one's sick.
Reno: Hey, this one's a guy! I don't wanna push it.
Rufus: You idiot! Cows are all girls!!
Reno: *sweatdrops* Then what did I see the two cows doing earlier?
All three: *sweatdrops*
Rufus: You're such a cry baby, Reno.
Reno: Shut up, Rufus! *tries to lunge at Rufus but instead knocks into a cow and they all fall over*
Cows: MOOOOOOO!!!!! *go into an uncontrollable stampede*
Rufus: Look what you did, Reno! You're fired!
Reno: Oh @#$%!!!! Let's get outta here!
(They all run off, leaving Tseng being chased by a love-sick cow.)
Rayna: Aw man . . .
Colorado: And she was our prize cow too.
Tori, Rayna, and Ray: *shudder* Better than Bessie . . .
(They continue to watch.)
Houston: Hey, where are your Final Fantasy guys? I mean, besides the ones that were just here.
Nexus: Don't know, don't care.
Houston: I'm gonna go look for 'em. I'll be back.
(Some time later, everyone has grown really tired, or has started making out. No one is really watching.)
Reeve: San Diego, get your hand off my ass.
San Diego: I'm tellin' ya, Reeve, baby, it ain't mine.
Reeve: Oh . . . *thinks for a moment* Well if Tseng's not here, who the hells is it?
Billy Bob: Oops. Der-her.,/p>
Reeve: AAAHHHH!!!
Irvine: Keep it down, Reeve. Some of us are trying to make out!
Billy Bob: Pa said no makin' out, Irvine!
Irvine: Shut up, Billy Bob!
Rayna: That's right, Irvine, he did say--
Irvine: Nexus, do you hear or see anything suspicious?
Nexus: Yes.
Irvine: That's not related to Billy Bob.
Nexus: Still yes.
Irvine: . . . okay, that's not related to me.
Nexus: For god's sake, yes! Listen!
(They all listen and they here distant yelling.)
Irvine: Holy Lee's ghost! You're right! Let's go!!
(So they all run out to the field where all the other FF characters are crowded around Houston, who Sephiroth is holding with his hands behind his back.)
Houston: Foiled again!
Irvine: Houston? Hey, Sephiroth, whatcha doin' to my brother?!
Rude: Your brother's the one smearing your family name.
Other Kinneas Brothers: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
Houston: That's right. It was me all along! I was selling our cattle! How do you think I got all that money for all those nice things I kept giving Tori!
Tori: Aw, that's so sweet.
Houston: All I had to do was steal a few more, and then I could have been on a plane to Toledo!
Rufus: Ohio?
Houston: Yeah! And I would have done it too, if it weren't for your rotten kids and your stupid dog!
Angelo: *barks*
Sephiroth: Kids? I'm older than you are, cowboy!
Irvine: I can't believe you did this, Houston!
Dallas: Pa is sure gonna be upset with you.
Colorado: And Ma too!
Austin: And Gramps!
Billy Bob: Der-hur, and you're gonnta jail.
(The Kinneas brothers, except Irvine, grab their brother and drag him back to the farmhouse.)
Ray: I don't believe it! How did you guys catch him?
Rinoa: Well all the guys were talking about whining, and then we all heard suspicious noises coming from the field, so we came out here. At first we just thought it was Tseng being chased by a crazy cow, but then we saw that Houston was trying to steal some of the cattle! When we tried to stop him, he ran, but Angelo here bit him and then Sephiroth was able to pin him.
Reno: Then Angelo bit me! *tired sigh* No offense, buddy, but I hate country livin'. Can we go home tomorrow?
Irvine: Now that the problem is solved, sure.
Girls: Oh . . .
Guys: HOORAY!!!
(The next day, everyone is preparing to leave.)
Rayna: Well, we sure had a lot of fun.
Gramps: You come back soon, ya hear?
Rayna: *tries to hide behind Nexus*
Dallas: Remember, Karah, my bed's always open. *wink*
Karah: Yea . . .
Gabe: *dragging her away* Come on, Karah!,/p>
Austin: If you're ever in the capital of Texas, thinka me. *grins at Ray*
Ray: Oh, I'll be thinkin' of you a lot.
Reno: Come on, Ray. *tries to drag her away*
Ray: I'm not your girlfriend, Reno!
Colorado: Remember, you're the choir to my band.
Rayna: Hehe!
Nexus: That's it! My foot's gonna sound like the chorus of a thousand--!!!
Sephiroth: *smacks him*
Nexus: REVENGE!!!! REVEEEEEENNNNGGGGGEEEE!!!!!
Sephiroth: Will you shut up?!
Billy Bob: *pets Abra* I like blonde hair.
Abra: That's it! *kicks him .. uh ... there and stalks off*
Tori: Well, it sucks that I lost a way to be showered with gifts. You'll have to do for now, Rude.
Rude: Thanks, Tori.
Tori: At the first gas station you'll buy me the most expensive gum they have, and we'll work up from there.
Rude: Yes, Tori.
Irvine: Well, it was good to see the farm again.
Nexus: I'm glad we got to visit your family. But uh . . . where's Red?
(Cut to Red inside with Ma.)
Ma: I have 7 children! All boys! Mine is a tale of woe and misery!!! And hell!! Horrible, horrible!!!
Red: *trying to sneak out the door* Oh dear. I brought this upon myself.
(Back to the others.)
Sephiroth: Now that you mention it . . . where the hell is Rufus?
Irvine: And Pa?
(Cut to the house.)
Pa: Lemme get another picture with teh President of ShinRa!
Rufus: *sweatdrops* Don't you think 10 is enough?
Pa: *holding a camera up to them* Cheese!!
(Back to the others.)
Rayna: They'll show up.
Reeve: And has anyone seen Tseng? Or San Diego?
Irvine, Nexus, Rayna: *sweatdrop*
Tseng's voice: Reeve is mine! MINE! So lay off, buddy!
San Diego's voice: What a bitch!
Tseng's voice: You better believe it! Only jerks mess with the Turks!
(He then comes back to the main group, quite calmly. The group of Reeve, Irvine, Nexus, and Rayna stares at him in open mouthed disbelief.)
Tseng: *clears throat* I'm ready to go.
Reno: Everyone's accounted for! Into the myterry machanie!
(Everyone gets in and they wave as they drive off.)
Karah: That was fun.
Tori: Yea.
Reno: *pouting* Yea, tons.
Angelo: *growls*
Reno: Rinoa!!!!!!
Reeve: *clears throat* Uh . . . I heard what you said, Tseng.
Tseng: Huh?
Reeve: I heard what you said to San Diego.
Tseng: *sweatdrops* Uh . . . I only said it to keep him off you, because I knew you didn't mean it. I didn't actually mean any of it or anything. *blushes*
Reeve: *puts his hand on Tseng's knee* Thanks anyway.
Tseng: *shocked* Uh . . . you're welcome Reeve.
(Sometime later . . . they're driving up a familiar road . . . when the car suddenly stops.)
Reno: *singing* Take one down, give it to me! 9,999,962-- *speaks* Hey, the car stopped.
Nexus: Thank god!
(Barret and Cid go out to check it this time.)
Barret: Yo! It's overheated again!
Cid: #$^#$%^$^@%$@%$%#!!!
Ray: *looks scared* Tori . . . does that tattered cabin on the hill top look familiar?
Tori: *shudders* Much much too familiar!
Rayna: Oh good god, no!
Nexus: Sephiroth and I are gonna check out that cabin at the top of the hill.
Tori, Rayna, Ray: *eyes go wide*
(But it's too late, and Nexus and Sephiroth go up to the cabin where cousin Maxwell is, playing his familiar hickish song.)
Maxwell: Well, howdy there purdy laaaaaaaaaaaaaady. What can I diddly do ya fer?
Sephiroth: WHO YOU CALLING A LADY?!?!?!
Nexus: *blinks* Uh . . . hi.
Sephiroth: What a dump.
Maxwell: Would you like ter see it?
Nexus and Sephiroth: Uh, actually--
Maxwell: Great! Well, come on in and make yourselves coumptable!
Sephiroth: I think he meant "comfortable".
Nexus: Yea . . .
(They go inside, there's still the dead cow in the corner, grampa in the rocking chair, only this time flossy is twitching in another corner.)
Sephiroth: Is that a sheep?
Maxwell: It wuz. Doctor says it really ain't anymore, on account a' all the stuff she's carryin'. I says Flossy's a super sheep now.
Sephiroth: Uh huh. *sweatdrops*
Nexus: Is that your grandpa?
Maxwell: Sure is! *licks lips* Grandpa n' I are real close.
Nexus: *sweatdrops* Uh huh. That's .. uh ... nice.
Maxwell: An' that's our prized cow Bessie, an' out back's our prized swimmin' hole! Would you boys like ter go for a dip? We dug it ourselves! 'Course lots o' sewage came up wit' momma's corpse, but it ain't so bad now. Flossy goes swimmin' every single day, don't ya, Flossy?
Flossy: *baas and twitches*
Nexus: We'll pass, thanks. *whispers* I think we just walked into hell.
Maxwell: How 'bout wearing Momma's dress then? Momma was a fine woman, wasn't she, grandpa?
Grandpa: Oh so fine! *cackles*
Sephiroth: Pass.
Maxwell: How 'bout some juice then?
Grandpa: We squeezed it with our feet!
Nexus: *grimacing* You had me up until you said "feet".
Maxwell: Don't tell me you one o' them stuck up city slickers like them other girls come up here! What, with your washed hair and your store bought clothes.
Grandpa: And their toe nails that need clippin'.
Nexus and Sephiroth: *shudders*
Maxwell: You don't belong in our loverly house! Get out!
Nexus: Fine! *stomps out*
Sephiroth: *points* And that cow is dead, losers.
Maxwell: *violent sobbing*
(The guys run back to the van.)
Sephiroth: Aerith! Aerith! Let me smell your hair!!!!
Aerith: Okay.
Sephiroth: *smells her hair* Ah . . . shampoo.
Nexus: Rayna!!! I need to see your clipped toenails!! *starts pulling her boots off*
Rayna: You know, Nexus, I have other qualities far better than my toenails.
Irvine: What the hell goes on in that house?
Nexus: Look at her toenails!! They're nice and short! *fusses over her feet*
Barret: Yo! Car's fixed!
Nexus: Good! Let's go home! *grabs Rayna's boots and goes into the car*
Rayna: Hun, I kinda need those.
Aerith: *Sephiroth still smelling her hair* So, Irvine, what's gonna happen with your brother now?
Irvine: Oh, he's gonna be in jail for a few years.
Reno: That sucks.
Irvine: You mess with the Kinneas you-- *stops* Oh wait, that doesn't really fit.
Reno: *snorts*
Barret: Yo! Pigpen! Get dis here van!!
Red: *dragging himself into the van* And so the torture will never end.
But this ramble shall,
The End!
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