(We begin the story with Vaan, Penelo, Balthier, Fran, and Ashe in the Air Ship. They are talking amongst themselves. Or rather, Vaan is still pissed at Basch since he still doesn't believe him about the twin brother bullshit and is yelling about it. The other crew members are trying to calm him down.)
Balthier: Vaan, how many times must I tell you that Basch isn't the bad guy?
Vaan: HE KILLED MY BROTHER, DAMMIT!!!
Ashe: Calm down, Vaan! Do you need another spanking? Tee hee!
Penelo: Hey! You can't do that! He's mine!
Ashe: I don't see your name on him!
Penelo: Why don't you go bother someone else?! Like Nexus!
Fran: Actually, Abra owns Nexus.
Ashe: Exactly! Since he's off limits, I can't get him!
Vaan: I didn't know they were going out.
Balthier: To be honest, they aren't. They're just friends.
Fran: But Abra has first dibs on him when he decides to go out with someone again.
Penelo: That's right! So, in that case, why don't you go out with someone you actually have a chance with, Ashe? Like Nida!
Ashe: EEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!! I'm NOT going out with Mr. "I drove the Garden!"! No way in the Empire!
Balthier: I wouldn't recommend going out with him either.
Ashe: . . . Hey, Balthier! Let's go to visit Nexus anyway! We haven't been there for like ages!
Balthier: So you want me to set a course for the Usual Spot?
Vaan: *mutters* No shit, Sherlock.
Balthier: What was that, piss-stains?
Vaan: HEY!!! THAT WAS ONE FREAKIN TIME I WET THE DAMN BED!!!
Penelo: No it wasn't, Vaan! You wet the bed like one hu --
Vaan: *puts his hand over Penelo's mouth* SHUT UP!!!
Balthier: So, Ashe, why do you want to go to see them for?
Ashe: We're going to do a little kidnapping . . .
Vaan: Are you crazy? You're seriously going to kidnap Nexus just to see if you could go out with him?! That's not the way to win a man's heart!
Ashe: Who ever said we were going to kidnap Nexus?
Fran: I think it unwise to kidnap any friends of Nexus. He won't like it one bit.
Ashe: Don't worry! I'm not even trying to win over his heart anyway! I'm acting like a Sky Pirate! He has something of value and I -- I mean, we -- want it!
Vaan: What could Nexus possibly have that's worth ANYTHING?
Ashe: You'll see . . .
(We go over to the basement, where we see Nexus standing in his room with a rather long box hanging on the wall. Nexus is just staring at it as Sephiroth enters the room.)
Sephiroth: You know, I've been wondering: What the hell is in that box?
Nexus: Wouldn't you like to know . . .
Sephiroth: Yes! Now tell me before I start feeding you metal from the Masamune!
Nexus: There's no way I'm going to tell you what's in that box!
Sephiroth: Why the hell not?!
Nexus: Because I vowed never to tell anyone what was inside it!
Sephiroth: C'mon! After all we've been through, you should be able to tell me! I mean, we set that Camel Spider on what's-his-face; we hung Chocobo Billy on that flag pole . . . er, you think we should let him go?
(We go back to where Chocobo Billy was hung by his underwear on the flag pole. Unfortunately, the rabid Chocobos had completely eaten his flesh and his bones are still hanging by the underwear.)
Nexus: Nah, I'm sure he's fine.
Sephiroth: Yea, you're probably right. But now tell me what's in the damn box!
Nexus: So you really want to know, huh?
Sephiroth: What have I just been saying?!
Nexus: It's something that's very valuable. That's all I'm going to say about it.
Sephiroth: That's all you're going to say?! How much more bogus can you get?! I'm outta here! *leaves*
Nexus: *thinks* I'm sorry, Sephiroth. But the less anyone knows, the better.
(Sephiroth heads out of Nexus' room and sits next to Abra, Aeris, and Rufus.)
Rufus: What's up with you, momma's boy?
Sephiroth: Oh, nothing's wrong, prissy, spoiled-rotten, piece of crap heir to a shi --
Abra: Ok, I think we get it, Sephiroth!
Aeris: I can tell you're not yourself, Sephiroth. Are you going insane like you did while Abra was in North Carolina?
Abra: Wait, WHAT?!
Sephiroth: Aeris, you seriously need to stop giving out information about me.
Abra: What was that about Sephiroth going insane again?!
Sephiroth: What's been bothering me is that Nexus is hiding something in a box in his room. And somehow it's hanging on the wall.
Abra: Don't ignore me! Why did you go insane again?!
Aeris: He's hiding something in a box?
Abra: WHY AREN'T ANY OF YOU ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS?!
Sephiroth: Yea, and he said it was very valuable. That's all he said about the matter.
Rufus: Valuable, you say?
Abra: Why are you guys talking about a stupid box when you should be answering my questions?!?!
Nexus: *enters the room* What are you shouting about in here, Abra?
Abra: They won't answer my que --
Aeris: *shoves Abra out of the way* What's this about a secret box?
Rufus: And it's valuable, you say?
Abra: DON'T INTERRUPT ME!!!
Nexus: You just can't keep your mouth shut, can you, Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: Damn right, I can't! I really want to know what's in the box.
Aeris: C'mon, Nexus! You can tell us!
Nexus: I'm sorry, but that thing is never going to see the light of day, again. I made a promise.
Sephiroth: A promise to who?
Nexus: That is none of your business!
Abra: *thinks* I might just as well give up with finding out about Sephiroth.
Nexus: And, just so you know, Abra, Chocobo Billy was using Sephiroth to get to me.
Abra: Oh, sure! NOW someone tells me!
Aeris: But you never asked.
Abra: LIKE HELL I DIDN'T!!!
Nexus: Moving on, like I said, I made a promise that whatever is in the box would never see the light of day ever again! And I'm not telling any of you who it is either!
Sephiroth: Damn you, Nexus! And your stubborness!!!
Nexus: What else is new?
Aeris: Alright, Nexus, if you don't want to tell us, we'll respect your wishes.
Nexus: Thanks, Aeris.
Abra: As will I, I won't bother you about the box.
Rufus: Nor will I bother you about it.
Nexus: Thanks you guys. And what about you, Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: You know damn well I'll never give up until I find out what's in that box.
Nexus: I should have known you'd say that.
Sephiroth: If you didn't know that, then you're an idiot!
Abra: Sephiroth! That's not very nice!
Nexus: You shouldn't be talkin', Abra! You're not nice waking me up at 5:30 in the effin moring!
Abra: Just because I'm not nice, doesn't mean I don't want everyone else to be!
Nexus: Hax!
Rufus: Sephiroth, just be nice!
Sephiroth: I don't have to be! Besides, you're never nice to your employees.
Rufus: I own their asses! I don't have to be nice!
Sephiroth: See? You can't tell me to be nice! Heck, I'm anything BUT nice! I tried to destroy the planet! I am evil! BEYOND evil!
Nexus: As I recall, you failed miserably to a retard.
Sephiroth: You just HAD to go there!
Abra: He does that to everyone, don't you, Nexus?
Nexus: What are you on about, Ms. "I couldn't even beat Sephiroth in KH2 at level 92 with the Ultimate Keyblade, all Drive Forms leveled up"?
Abra: Don't push your luck!
Sephiroth: Hey, you brought it up.
Abra: Shut up!
Nexus: Anyway, what's up with you guys? Anything new, anything interesting?
Sephiroth: Trying to find out what's in the box, the box is new, and the box is interesting!
Nexus: Shut up, Sephiroth! I'm not telling you what's in the damn box!
Sephiroth: Oh, you'll tell me, you know you will. *begins to leave through the door slowly* You know you'll crack. And when you do, I'll be there, listening what you have to tell me what's in the box. *slowly closes the door, still peeking through* You will . . . you know you will. Muahahahaha!!! *closes the door and leaves*
Nexus: . . . who else thought that was creepy?
(Everyone but Nexus raises their hands.)
Nexus: Yea, that's what I thought. He's bound to try something stupid to find out what's in the box.
Abra: So what's in the box, anyway?
Nexus: Let's just say, if you should see it, the object in that box would change your life forever. You would never be the same, trust me on that.
Abra: . . . I see.
Rufus: Then I guess I don't want to see it, I like my life just the way it is.
Aeris: Same here . . . although I could do better without Cloud.
Nexus: I think we all could, Aeris.
Aeris: Agreed.
(A knock on the door and everyone looks to the door.)
Nexus: *sarcastically* I wonder who that is? *snicker*
Abra: Oh, yes! I wonder! *giggle*
(Nexus goes to answer the door and Vaan, Balthier, Penelo, Fran, and Ashe bust through the door. They push Nexus over and knock him out cold.)
Vaan: *walks over to Abra* You're coming with us, now!
Abra: Why? What for?
Fran: It would not be wise to question us. You're coming with us whether you like it or not.
Balthier: Exactly. Now be a good little girl and come quietly or we'll have to use brute force.
Abra: There's no way I'm going with you!
Ashe: I thought you'd say that! That's why *uses an electric tazer on Abra* I have this thing!
Abra: *falls unconcious*
Balthier: Well, that was easier than expected.
Rufus: What do you guys want?!
Vaan: We're Sky Pirates! This is what we do!
Ashe: That's right! And right now, we're taking this girl as part of our plan! *looks over to Nexus* Once he wakes up, tell him that we took her, will ya?
Aeris: You heartless bitch!
Sora: *busts in* HEARTLESS!!!!!
Aeris: Not that kind of Heartless, Sora . . .
Sora: Awwww . . . *pouts and leaves*
Ashe: . . . is he always like that?
Aeris: Sadly, yes.
Ashe: I see . . .
Aeris: Anyway, you were saying?
Ashe: Huh? Oh yea! Tell Nexus we have his girlfriend, and that if he doesn't hand over the thing in the box, he's never going to see her again!
Rufus: All this over some stupid thing in a box?
Balthier: Really now, if it were stupid, I don't think we Sky Pirates would be into such a trinket.
Rufus: I guess not . . .
Fran: We'll take our leave now!
(The Sky Pirates leave with Abra, but Ashe stays behind for a second.)
Ashe: Oh yea, tell Nexus that I also think he's cute!
Aeris: Yea right, like I'd ever tell him that for you!
Ashe: Fine, be an evil bitch! Hmph! *leaves*
(Hours later, Nexus finally wakes up and sees Aeris, Sephiroth, Cloud, Rufus, Kadaj, and Reno all standing over him.)
Aeris: Finally! You're awake!
Nexus: Wha? What happened?
Sephiroth: You got your ass kicked by a bunch of Sky Pirates, quite embarrassing, really.
Kadaj: Come on, Sephiroth, lay off him, will ya? He's had it rough.
Reno: What exactly were they after, anyway?
Rufus: They were after whatever Nexus is keeping in that box.
Nexus: The . . . the BOX?!?! THEY DIDN'T TAKE IT, DID THEY?!?!
Sephiroth: No, that they did not.
Nexus: Oh, good.
Aeris: They took Abra, in hopes that you would exchange the box for her.
Nexus: WHAT?!?!
Sephiroth: Well, it looks like you have one of two choices here. You can either A: let Abra go and find a new girl so you can keep the box. Or B: Give them the box and save the girl.
Nexus: I hate it when you're right, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: I know I -- HEY!!!
Rufus: So what do you suggest we do, Nexus?
Reno: I think you should just give them the damn box.
Nexus: Hey . . . yea! You're right, Reno! We'll give them the box!
Sephiroth: So you're going to let us see what it is?
Nexus: Hell no! Who said I was going to give them that specific box? I'm going to give them just some piece of crap box with some useless item in it!
Rufus: I see, sneaky sneaky sneaky! It should work!
Aeris: I dunno, Sky Pirates are more cunning than that!
Reno: You're kidding, right? They're not the brightest tools in the shed.
Sephiroth: *mumbles* You're one to talk.
Reno: Did you say something, Planet Boy?
Sephiroth: Not a thing, you pedophile.
Reno: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?!
Sephiroth: What? It's not like it's news. Rufus has it posted up everywhere!
Reno: *looks over at Rufus* YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
Rufus: Hey, you should be the one keeping it in the pants. And I saw you looking at Mr. Fluffers again! You stay away from him!!!
Aeris: He has a stuffed animal fetish? I didn't know that, Reno!
Reno: Because I don't! I just wanted to snatch it and sell it on eBay for good!
Rufus: HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MR. FLUFFERS THAT WAY!!! YOU'RE FIRED FOR 15 MINUTES!!
Reno: *mumbles* Best damn 15 minutes of my life.
Nexus: Shut up, all of you! I'll be right back.
(Nexus walks into the other room and grabs a small box and a tissue. He then walks into the other room where the others are and shows them.)
Sephiroth: What the hell is that?!
Nexus: This is a tissue that you get at the Battle Arena at the Golden Saucer.
Aeris: Oh, you mean that useless piece of crap that Square put in the game just to piss every player off?
Nexus: No, I think you have this confused with either Cait Sith or Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Yea, Aeri-- GODDAMN YOU, NEXUS!!!
Rufus: *on the floor laughing* That was great, Nexus!
Nexus: Calm down, Rufus, you don't want me to get Scarlet over here, do you?
Reno: Talk about a REAL Pedophile.
Rufus: Shut up, Reno!
Reno: I was referring to Scarlet.
Sephiroth: Who cares! Let's move on with the plan to get Abra back.
Kadaj: Hey, Nexus. Are you and Abra even going out?
Nexus: No, why do you ask?
Kadaj: Then what are you two?
Nexus: Just friends?
Aeris: Really? You two are just friends? That's all? Why?
Nexus: I have many reasons.
Sephiroth: Care to name them?
Nexus: Fine. One: She calls me when I'm asleep. Two: She's mean to me. Three: She torments me. Four: She haunts me with things from my past. Five: She's going on about this bullshit about not having a good teenaged life, so she's making up for it now. I say she should live for the future, not the damn past. But hey, that's her problem, not mine.
Aeris: And you're okay with this?
Nexus: Not really, but what am I going to do about it?
Sephiroth: *laughs* SHE HAUNTS YOU WITH THINGS FROM YOUR PAST?!?!
Nexus: Say one f***ing word about it, Sephiroth, and you're going to be seeing black and blue chocobos for the longest time!
Reno: Wow, sounds like she's Sephiroth, and you're Cloud, Nexus!
Nexus: *grumbles and punches Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: What did I do?!?!
Nexus: *thinks* . . . I forgot.
Aeris: Come on, guys! Quit messing around! We don't know what they're putting Abra through right now!!
(We go over to the Airship, where the Sky Pirates are holding Abra hostage. She is locked up, and poorly, since Vaan was the one to do it. The crew members are talking to themselves.)
Vaan: He won't come.
Ashe: Oh ye, of little faith.
Balthier: I actually have to go with Vaan on this one. Who's to say that Nexus will actually come?
Ashe: I know he will. We have his girlfriend. He won't give her up so easily.
Abra: I'm not his girlfriend!
Ashe: Shut up! Yes you are!
Abra: You shut up! I am not his girlfriend! We both agreed that we will be just friends!!
Fran: Will you both just shut up? I am getting a headache from your bickering!
Vaan: *mutters* With ears like those, who could blame you?
Fran: I HEARD THAT!!!
Penelo: You really did it this time, Vaan.
Vaan: Big deal. What is the Playboy Bunny gonna do to me?
Balthier: It's not a matter of what she will do to you, it's what she's gonna do to herself. When she's depressed, she ususally eats Trix cereal.
Fran: *eating a bowl of Trix*
Vaan: . . . oh, she's just walking into this one! *goes over and takes the Trix from her* Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids!
Fran: *growls*
Balthier: If I were you, Vaan, I'd give that back to her.
Abra: And if I were ANY of you, I'd let me go!
Penelo: We're not letting you go! Not until Nexus gives us what we want!
Abra: What is it that you're really after?!
Ashe: We're after whatever it is that Nexus has in that box.
Abra: You don't even know what's in it?
Balthier: Not a clue.
Abra: I see . . .
Vaan: You think he might pull something over us?
Ashe: He better not! Or we won't be giving this little wench back to him!
Abra: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?!
Ashe: You heard me!
Abra: You bitch!
Ashe: Like I haven't heard that one before.
Vaan: Don't you all think that we should plan something in case they really do try to pull a fast one on us?
Penelo: You're probably right, piss-stains.
Vaan: SHUT UP!!!
(We go back to the guys at the Usual Spot. Sephiroth and Nexus are beating each other's brains out, but everyone else is either trying to break the two up or still discussing how they're getting Abra back.)
Nexus: YOU'RE GOING DOWN, YOU PLANET FREAK!!!
Sephiroth: I'LL KILL YOU, YOU LAZY-ASSED DUMBASS!!!
Aeris: I wish they'd just stop it.
Rufus: We're trying! *holding onto Nexus*
Reno: Yea, not much we can do! *holding onto Sephiroth*
Nexus: Let me at him!!!
Kadaj: Hey, Aeris, so what's the plan here?
Aeris: I think we should at least wait until Nexus and Sephiroth calm down.
(As Nexus was being held onto by Rufus and Sephiroth by Reno, Slinky walked into the room and sat in between Nexus and Sephiroth.)
Sephiroth: *looks down* Awww, that's the cutest little dog I've ever seen.
Nexus: Um . . . it won't be so cute once it starts talking.
Sephiroth: What?
Slinky: *panting*
Sephiroth: You're evil, Nexus. Way more than I am, saying that a little dog is evil! I say we all just leave the room so Nexus can apologize to the cute little dog!
Nexus: WHAT?!?!
Aeris: I'm disappointed Nexus. *leaves the room*
Kadaj: As am I. *leaves*
Rufus: *shakes head and leaves*
Reno: I'm sorry, Nexus. *leaves*
Sephiroth: *glares at Nexus* Apologize to it! *leaves*
Nexus: *looks at the door, then down at Slinky* Um . . . hehe, what's up?
Slinky: Oh, you're in for a world of hurt . . .
Nexus: Please don't kill me!
Slinky: Don't worry, I won't kill you . . . yet. You have to get Abra back first.
Nexus: Thanks, I think?
Slinky: But I'm still gonna kick your ass for nearly blowing my cover! *walks slowly toward Nexus*
Nexus: NO SLINKY NOOOOO!!!
(Everyone is listening in on what's happening inside the room, but they think Nexus is merely putting on an act.)
Sephiroth: All he had to do was apologize to a dog. That's it! How hard could it be?!
Aeris: Who knows.
(Nexus walks out to where everyone else is waiting. He has two black eyes, multiple bruises on his body, and bleeding in a few places.)
Rufus: Holy crap! What happened to you.
Sephiroth: Did you just beat the crap out of yourself in order for us to think that Slinky is evil.
Nexus: That's actually more believable that what actually happened.
Reno: I don't want to know what really happened.
Nexus: Yea . . . anyway! Why don't we just get going and meet with the Sky Pirates in order to get Abra back!
Aeris: Good idea! We should hurry!
Nexus: Alright! Let's go!
(We go back to the Sky Pirates in the Airship. Fran is really trying to hurt Vaan for the Trix incident. Abra is sitting on the floor tied up poorly and laughing at Vaan.)
Abra: This is really entertaining! Can I have some popcorn?
Balthier: No. You're our prisoner. We're not in the service industry.
Abra: Dumbass! You can't refuse to feed me!
Penelo: We can refuse to do anything!
Abra: Then how about refuse to keep me here?
Balthier: Ok, I'll just untie-- HEY!!
Abra: It was worth a try though.
Fran: Balthier, there's something on the radar! It looks like another Airship. It might be Nexus!
Balthier: Well, it looks like he did show up after all. Let him dock.
Ashe: Looks like you might be freed after all.
Abra: Good, I can't wait.
(Nexus, Sephiroth, Kadaj, Aeris, Rufus, and Reno walk through the doors and meet up with the Sky Pirates. Nexus doesn't look to happy.)
Nexus: How could you do this, Ashe?
Ashe: Easy, all I did was tell the rest of the Sky Pirates here what to do.
Sephiroth: Sounds like someone I know. *looks at Rufus*
Rufus: What?
Reno: He means you have everyone else do whatever you want!
Ashe: Just hand over the box, and we'll let Abra go.
Nexus: *walks over to Ashe and hands her the fake box* Here.
Ashe: Good boy! But before we let her go, let's see what's inside it. *opens it to see a tissue*
Nexus: I don't know why you wanted my tissue, but there you go.
Abra: That's what was in the box the whole time? A FREAKIN' TISSUE?!?!
Balthier: Somehow I doubt that, which is why we sent Basch to do something! Oh look, there he is now with the real box.
(Basch walks through the door carrying the long box that was hanging on the wall in Nexus' room. Nexus really doesn't like the look of it.)
Basch: I brought you the box you requested, your Majesty. I hope I have served you well.
Ashe: You have. Thank you! *takes the box* Now, let's see what's really inside this box!
Nexus: No! Don't! That thing will change your life forever!
Sephiroth: *walks over to Ashe* Go on! Open it! I wanna see what's inside it!
Nexus: I can't watch! *covers eyes*
Aeris: *holds Nexus* Don't worry, it will be over soon!
Kadaj: Yea, don't worry! It can't be that bad!
Nexus: Trust me, it is!
Ashe: *opens the box and pulls out what appeared to be a photograph* What the hell is this?!
Sephiroth: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?
(Ashe showed the photograph and it was of Sephiroth wearing a bikini while completely wasted at a party a few years back.)
Nexus: Told you.
Sephiroth: YOU PHOTOSHOPPED THIS IMAGE!!!!
Nexus: No, that's really you.
Ashe: You mean to tell me that we wasted all this time over a damn picture?
Abra: Can I go now?
Vaan: You might as well. *releases her*
Abra: *runs over to Nexus and hugs* Thank you!
Nexus: *pushes her off* Get off of me. I don't want to be hugged right now. But you're welcome, none the less.
Sephiroth: Once we get back to the Usual Spot, Nexus, you're royally f***ed!
Rufus: Like he hasn't heard that one before, Sephiroth.
(Nexus, Sephiroth, Rufus, Reno, Aeris, Kadaj, and Abra all leave the Airship and head home. We remain with the Sky Pirates.)
Ashe: We'll get back at you for this . . . Nexus. We will get back at you, no matter how many times it will take!
The End!
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