(The story officially begins over in Loserland with Hojo, Scarlet, Heideggar, and Nida. Hojo is working on some scientific stuff. Scarlet is in her room taking some pills for all the STDs she has. Heideggar is chewing on a ShinRa Stapler. And Nida is pacing around the room.)
Nida: Hey, old man! What are you doing over there?!
Hojo: That is none of your business.
Heideggar: Gya haa haa! I ate your stapler, Hojo!
Hojo: *sigh* I wish you would stop eating random things of mine!
Heideggar: Gya haa haa!
Nida: Shut up, you fat tub of lard!
Hojo: Finally! I have completed it!
Nida: Completed what?
Hojo: I have finally come up with a plan to get us with the others, once the Usual Spot is finished being rebuilt.
Nida: Shut up. You know Nexus will never let us in! But he SHOULD let me in! I drove the Garden!
Heideggar: Gya haa haa! He should let me in because I'm lovable!
Nida: You're lovable like a swarm of bees.
Hojo: Shut up, you two! Scarlet! Get out here!
Scarlet: *walks out carrying a whole box full of pills* What do you want?
Hojo: Put down your STD box and listen to what I have to say!
Scarlet: Whatever.
Hojo: You see, we aren't allowed to go over to the Usual Spot because Nexus won't let us. BUT! He listens to whatever that Abra girl says.
Nida: She's like his lover or something, right?
Scarlet: She's probably more than that to him.
Nida: MY EARS!! MY VIRGIN EARS!!
Hojo: Moving on. I have created a pill that will send them into a whole different world! Then WE will rule the Usual Spot!
Scarlet: I don't get the whole plan.
Hojo: You see, if we give Abra this pill, she won't wake up unless I give her the antidote. Nexus will have no choice but to do as we say, thus letting us into the Usual Spot!
Heideggar: Gya haa haa! Great plan!
Scarlet: Yeah, great plan! Except for one thing: How are we going to get Abra to take the pill!
Hojo: Don't worry about that. I will do the dirty work.
Scarlet: Uh-huh.
(Back to Abra's house, Nexus, Abra, Sephiroth, Gabe, and Kadaj are sitting in the basement, talking to each other about stuff.)
Nexus: So . . . what do you guys want to do?
Kadaj: Would you quit asking that?
Gabe: How about we go paintballing again?
Sephiroth: After that embarrassing defeat by Cloud? You must be joking.
Gabe: *sigh*
Abra: I dunno. I'll be right back. I have to go do something. *walks upstairs*
(Abra walked upstairs to get a glass of water. She heard a knock on the door and went to open it.)
Abra: Can I help you?
Hojo: *disguised as a Salesman* Oh, ahem. My name is Solo. Are you feeling rejected by your friends?
Abra: No.
Hojo: Oh. Are you feeling bored with your life?
Abra: Only today. My friends and I just haven't found anything to do yet.
Hojo: Good! Then would you like to have some special pills that get you more stoned than any other drug?
Abra: . . . what's the catch?
Hojo: There's no catch! You can have them for free! No strings attached!
Abra: Ok, cool! *takes the pills* Thanks!
Hojo: *leave the doorway and starts to head back to Loserland* Yea, just wait until you fall asleep. Hehehe.
Abra: So these pills will get me higher than any other drug, huh? Good enough for me! *takes one*
Nexus: *walks upstairs* Hey, Abra. What are you doing up here?
Abra: Oh, nothing. Just had to get a glass of water, that's all.
Nexus: Then let's head back downstairs. Sephiroth is playing Kingdom Hearts II for the first time.
Abra: Interesting. Let's go watch!
(So they head downstairs and begin watching Sephiroth play Kingdom Hearts II. He totally sucks at it. He's playing as Roxas fighting the big Nobody and is losing every time.)
Sephiroth: If only I had the Masamune, then I'd be able to beat him!
Gabe: You really suck at this game, man!
Sephiroth: Shut up!
Kadaj: No, Sephiroth. You really do suck at it. I think you should quit playing and let someone else, who's good at it, play the game.
Sephiroth: Over my dead body!
Abra: *yawns*
Nexus: You ok?
Abra: Yea, I'm ok. Just a little tired.
Nexus: Ok, if you say so. If you need to lie down, I'll take you to your bedroom.
Sephiroth: Shut up, Nexus. We all know you just want to get in her pants.
Kadaj: That wasn't nice, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Your point being?
Kadaj: *sighs* Nevermind.
Abra: *totally collapses*
Gabe: Oh my god! Is she alright?!
Nexus: I don't know!
(We enter Abra's dream and we start with a rocket crashing down from the Atmosphere, and Nexus, Red, and Cid come out.)
Cid: ^%$*^$&$%#^%$&^#$%^*#$&#$$&%#&$%&%$&%!!!!
Nexus: I don't know what you just said, but it can't be good. *looks at self and appears to be wearing a blue dress with pretty ruby shoes* Oh, hell no!!
Red: Don't worry, it could be worse.
Nexus: HOW THE HELL COULD IT BE WORSE?! I'M LOOK LIKE THAT F***ED UP BRAWD FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ!!!
Red: Yea, but Barret could be in your place.
Nexus: . . . good point. I look better in this than he does! But, since I KNOW this is a dream, I'm changing this look!
(Nexus snaps his fingers and he's now wearing and long black coat and wearing ruby gauntlets.)
Red: . . . why are the gauntlets ruby?
Nexus: You have to keep "some" elements of the original story in it. Anyway, Cid, stay with the ship. *looks down and sees someone crushed underneath it* HOLY SHIT, CID! YOU KILLED SOMEONE!
Cid: *&$*%^$^$%&*$%*%$%$*$%*%!!!
(Suddenly, someone appeared before them in a bubble. It was Aeris, but she was dressed in white.)
Aeris: Hello! I'm Aeris! The Good Bitch of the North! It would seem that you have killed the Wicked Bitch of the East: Calla!
Nexus: . . . um, I think you mean the Good "Witch" and the Wicked "Witch", right?
Aeris: No. I really mean Good and Wicked "Bitch". There are four Bitches in all . . . well, three now. I'm the Good Bitch of the North. Calla was the Wicked Bitch of the East. Beth is the Wicked Bitch of the South. And your worst nightmare, the Wicked Bitch of the West: Abra!
Nexus: You must be joking.
Aeris: Hey, this is her dream.
Nexus: Then why the hell isn't she in my place?!
Aeris: Why don't you ask that when you meet up with her?
Nexus: Fine, then.
Aeris: Oh! It would seem that the little munchkins are coming out to thank you for beating the Wicked Bitch of the East!
(Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz come out from hiding.)
Kadaj: Yea, thanks for saving us from the Wicked Bitch. And since I don't really know what to do in return for helping us, I'm just gonna have Yazoo and Loz sing some stupid song for you.
Nexus: *sweatdrop* What the hell?
Yazoo: I know, I know. But like hell I'm gonna sing some stupid song! Loz, you sing it.
Loz: *sings* OH! We're the rip-off of a rip-off of the Lollipop Guild! The Lollipop Guild!!
Nexus: Shut up!! *zaps him with Lightning*
Loz: . . . ow!
Aeris: Anyway, just follow Martin Luther King Blvd. to reach the Wizard.
Nexus: . . . isn't it the Yellow Brick Road?
Aeris: Not anymore. Some damn Democrats had to go all liberal on us. You can complain to them.
Nexus: Whatever. You ready, Red?
Red: As ready as I'll ever be.
(So Nexus and Red followed Martin Luther King Blvd. until they reached a Corn Field. Cloud is running around in circles trying to catch a bird.)
Nexus: Should we help him? Maybe the Wizard could give him a brain.
Red: I guess. Only if you want to.
Nexus: Yo! Dude! Get over here!
Cloud: *runs over to Red and starts petting it* KITTY!!
Nexus: Oh yea, he REALLY needs a brain.
Red: No shit, Sherlock! What was your first clue?
Nexus: Har har har. Let's move on.
(So Nexus, Red, and Cloud continue on. They then spot Xemnas sitting on a stump, not moving at all.)
Xemnas: *sighs* I wish I had a heart, so I could feel as depressed as I really should be . . .
Nexus: You don't have a heart, do you?
Xemnas: You think? I'm a Nobody! I created the World That Never Was! I'm the leader of Organization XIII . . . at least I was until that Wicked Bitch stole all the other Organization members.
Red: Why would she want to steal the other Organization Members?
Cloud: *hugs Red* KITTY!!
Red: Stop that! And get a brain!
Xemnas: I don't know why she stole them, I just know she did.
Nexus: Well, come with us! I'm sure the Wizard would be able to give you a heart.
Xemnas: Really? Great! If I had a heart, I'd be "glad" to come with. But I'll just come with you without the "glad" part.
(And so, now with Xemnas joining the party, Nexus, Red, and Cloud go off down Martin Luther King Blvd. A taxi pulls up and Sephiroth gets out of the back seat.)
Sephiroth: One word about me being the third guy, and I will KILL you!!
Nexus: . . . you need some Courage?
Sephiroth: Ever since I lost the Masamune, I just need another weapon.
Red: Join us, I'm sure the Wizard could help.
Sephiroth: Damn right, I'm joining you, freaks! Let me guess, Cloud needs a brain and Xemnas needs a heart, right?
Xemnas: That is true.
Cloud: *runs around in circles with arms out like wings making airplane sounds*
Nexus: What was your first clue about Cloud?
Sephiroth: Oh, the fact that he's acting like a plane again.
Nexus: Let's get going to the Wizard!
(As Nexus, Red, Cloud, Xemnas, and Sephiroth were on their way to see the Wizard, we go off to see what the Wicked Bitch is up to.)
Abra: BWEHEHEHEHE!!!! So, the fools think they will be able to go to the Wizard for help? Yea right!
Saix: Hehehe. What will you be doing to them?
Roxas: If I know Abra, she'll make them all suffer in ways the Human Mind couldn't even imagine!
Abra: Did I SAY you could call me "Abra"?! You will address me as the Wicked Bitch!!
Axel: Hey! Don't be so mean to my Roxy-poo like that!
Roxas: If you EVER call me that again, I will NEUTER you!!!!
Axel: But I need it so when we go into the shower again . . .!
Abra: SHUT UP, AXEL!!!
Axel: You're mean!
Abra: That's why they call me the Wicked Bitch!
Demyx: Not that I'm complaining, but why do we have wings and tails?
Abra: Because you're my flying monkeys!
Demyx: Why the hell are we monkeys?!
Roxas: It's the fate of a Nobody . . .
Axel: You ripped off DiZ's line about you!
Roxas: Shut up, Axel!
Xaldin: So what's our first order of business?
Marluxia: I say we make them pass out in a field of pretty pretty flowers!
Larxene: No! I say we zap them with Lightning!
Zexion: I say you both shut up!
Abra: No, just go! Fly, my pretties! And randomly attack them! Fly, my pretties! Fly, fly, fly!!! Muahahahaha!!!
Xigbar: Yea, whatever you say, you crazy bitch. I think I'm gonna go take a nap.
Abra: Oh yes you will damn listen to me! I'm the Wicked Bitch of the West!!
Xigbar: And if I refuse?
Abra: You'll feel such a tremendous amount of pain, you'll think you're suffering for a thousand eternities in hell!
Xigbar: Alright! Fine! Don't have a cow!
Abra: Ok, everyone! Go!
Sara: Hold up! What do I have to do with this plan of yours?
Abra: Oh, um . . . right now, I want you to take out the Wicked Bitch of the South, Beth. She's a threat to me, so take her out!
Sara: Really? That's all I have to do?
Abra: For now, I'll probably have you attack the Wizard afterward. But now, everyone, MOVE OUT!!
(So the Organization Members went for the group, whereas Sara moved on to annialate the Wicked Bitch of the South. We now go in on the group and see what they are up to.)
Nexus: Ok, everyone, get it together! Sephiroth, stop trying to kill Cloud. Xemnas, quit acting Emo. And Red . . . good work. You're not annoying me at the moment.
Red: I try my best.
Xemnas: And how can I act "Emo" when I can't feel any emotions?
Nexus: You just are! Now stop!
Sephiroth: *strangling Cloud* SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE . . . !
Cloud: I WANT KITTY!! I WANT KITTY!! *cries*
Nexus: Sephiroth, stop it!
Sephiroth: Fine! *lets go of Cloud* But I want to kill him once he's normal!
Xemnas: What is that?!
(Off in the distance, the Organization Members are flying towards them.)
Xemnas: Omg! It's my fellow Organization Members . . . and why do they have wings and tails?
Nexus: Because I have a feeling they're the Wicked Bitch's flying monkeys!
Sephiroth: *bursts out laughing* Flying monkeys! What a joke!
Demyx: You know, none of us really find it funny.
Roxas: Yeah, it really hurts.
Axel: It can't hurt us, Roxas. We're Nobodies! We don't feel emotions.
Roxas: Hold up! You say you love me, but now you're saying we can't feel emotions . . . YOU SUCK!!!
Axel: Doesn't mean I don't "want" to love you! *hugs Roxas*
Roxas: GET OFF ME, AXEL!!!
Nexus: Ok, I've had it! *shoots Demyx with Lightning*
Demyx: OW!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!
Nexus: Because I hate you.
Demyx: Doesn't mean you have to be mean to me.
Nexus: Fine. *shoots Larxene with Water*
Larxene: KYAAAAA!! WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!?!
Nexus: Demyx didn't want to think he was being mistreated, so I hit you with water!
Sephiroth: Ok, I've had it! *uses the Black Materia on the Organization Members*
(They all waited patiently for Meteor to arrive, but it didn't show up within the 10 minutes they waited.)
Sephiroth: Goddamn Meteor!
Nexus: . . . anyway, LET'S KICK THEIR ASSES!!
Axel: . . . guys, i think we should bail!
Roxas: The most sense you made for the entire time I've known you!
(So the Organization members rushed out of there in a heartbeat and returned to Abra's fortress in the west.)
Abra: Why did you guys come back without beating them?!
Saix: Are you kidding?! They're too strong! Sephiroth already attempted Meteor on us!
Demyx: HE ZAPPED ME WITH LIGHTNING!
Larxene: HE SPLASHED ME WITH WATER!!
Abra: Ok, first off, Demyx, a little Static Shock never hurt anyone. And Larxene, I've been meaning to tell you that you needed a bath because you reek!
Larxene: Hey! That's not nice!
Abra: Of course it's not nice! I'm the Wicked Bitch of the West, dammit!!
Saix: So what do you suppose we do?
Abra: YOU guys will do absolutely nothing! I, on the other hand, will be going to the Wizard and stopping them there! *disappears*
Saix: . . . it was nice knowing her.
(Back to Nexus and the others, they are at the Emerald City. They stand before the big doors and knock.)
Reno: *answers the door* *with a slur* Who's *hiccup* there?
Nexus: We're here to see the great Wizard of Oz.
Reno: *hiccup* Yea, well, zeh Wi- *hiccup* -zard ain't gonna see *hiccup* no one!
Sephiroth: Are you drunk off your ass?
Reno: Yeh're DAMN RIGHT I am! *hiccup* Now, go away before I get meh flying *hiccup* monkehs on yeh!
Xemnas: But we already dealt with flying
monkeys. They belonged to the Wicked Bitch.
Reno: THE WICKED *hiccup* BITCH?! WHERE?!
Red: Just let us in so we can talk to the
Wizard. Reno: Yer lucky I'm *hiccup* drunk, so's I can't
fight yeh! Go *hiccup* on in! (The gang all walks in and they see the giant
head of the so-called Wizard behind a curtain.) Gabe: *with a booming voice* WHO GOES THERE?!
Nexus: My name's Nexus. I'm here just to get out
of this dream. Gabe: *comes out from behind the curtain and he
actually has a big head* Ok, so you want to go back home. And I take it
Cloud wants a brain, Xemnas wants a heart, and Sephiroth wants
courage. Sephiroth: I GOT YOUR COURAGE RIGHT HERE!!
*starts to charge at the Wizard* Nexus: *holds Sephiroth back* Get a hold of
yourself. Gabe: Well, I'm sorry to say this. Cloud, you're
too stupid to have a brain! You wouldn't know how to handle it! Xemnas,
you're too emo to have a heart! So get over it! Sephiroth, I had someone
steal your damned Masamune, so go buy a gun or something!
Sephiroth: You're SO going down for that!!
Xemnas: NOW HOW THE HELL AM I TOO EMO TO HAVE A
HEART IF I DON'T HAVE A HEART TO BE EMO WITH?!?! Nexus: It's just one of Life's many
mysteries. Abra: *appears before them* Bwehehehe!!! You
can't go back home, Nexus! You're stuck here with the rest of us!
Sara: *flies in through the window* Your evil
Wicked Bitchness! I've come back to you reporting that I have
successfully beaten the Wicked Bitch of the South! Abra: Good! Now attack the Wizard!! Sara: Will do! *taps the Wizard's big
head* Gabe: *falls back* Damn! Why did I have to give
myself a big freakin head? Abra: Bwehehehe!! You cannot beat me! I'm the
Wicked Bitch of the West! Reno: *runs in* Wizard! *hiccup* Wizard! *bumps
into the Wicked Bitch and spills a small bit of beer on the Wicked Bitch*
. . . oops. Abra: You're gonna pay for that! This was a new
dress!! Nexus: Uh, miss "Wicked Bitch"? I think you're
starting to melt. Abra: Wha? *looks down* OH!! I'M MELTING!! I'M
MELTING!! TELL AXEL TO STOP BEING GAY!! BWAAAAAAAAA!!!! *melts
away* (We arrive back in the real world where
Nexus, Gabe, Sephiroth, and Kadaj were trying to wake Abra up.)
Nexus: Wake up! Abra! Wake up! Abra: *slowly opens her eyes* Wha? Oh!
Gabe: Good, she's awake! Sephiroth: No shit, Sherlock! Kadaj: So, how are you feeling, Abra? Abra: Oh, I had this wonderful dream! . . .
EXCEPT YOU WERE THERE! *points to Nexus* AND YOU! *points to Sephiroth*
AND YOU! *points to Gabe* Gabe: Hey! What did I do?! Abra: All of you were in my dream! STAY OUT!!
Nexus: So why did you fall asleep? Abra: Well, I think it was that pill I
took. Sephiroth: What pill? Abra: Some guy came to the door and gave me
these pills that were supposed to get me stoned, but I fell asleep
instead. Nexus: Let me see those pills. *takes them and
examines the bottle* It says "Property of Professor Hojo". Yea, I know
what's going on. (Nexus and Sephiroth creeped over to
Loserland late at night.) Sephiroth: Ok, you got the Camel Spider?
Nexus: *holds up a box* Oh yea! I got it ready!
Sephiroth: Ok! Let it inside the house once I
open the window. (Sephiroth opened the window that went into
Hojo's room and Nexus let the Camel Spider inside. Nexus and Sephiroth
ran from Loserland, laughing.) Hojo: *squirms a little in his sleep* Hm . . .
what's going on? *sees the Camel Spider crawling on him*
GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! The End!
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