Author's Note: As I was writing this ramble, I had gone to ACen (Anime Central) and met some very good friends of mine who actually inspired me to write part of this ramble! It involves Rufus and Reno, you'll know it when you see it! And just so you know, my friend's name is Tori! SHE'S AWESOME!!! THANKS TORI!! YOU'RE THE BEST!!

(We open up today's story yet again in the Ramble Room. Nexus is sitting on the couch with Rayna. Sephiroth is cleaning up his mess from earlier. Rufus was sitting at the bar going over some important documents in his briefcase. Karah was sitting in the chair next to the couch doing her homework. Jade and Adriel were there visiting as well.)

Sephiroth: Nexus, you pompous jackass! When can I take a damn break?

Nexus: When your hair ungrays.

Sephiroth: But this is my natural hair color!!

Nexus: Then it doesn't look like you're taking a break until you're done.

Jade: *laughs* Poor Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: I'll show YOU poor me!! *draws the Masamune*

Rayna: *whips Sephiroth* Stop that!

Sephiroth: DAMMIT!!!

Adriel: Hey man, you asked for it.

Sephiroth: Hey, you're about to ask for it if you don't shut your trap!!

Rayna: *whips Sephiroth again* My god, you don't learn, do you?

Sephiroth: *growls and hisses*

Rayna: *whips repeatedly again*

Sephiroth: Grah! Fine!!

Nexus: You're obviously never gonna win against her, Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: Jenova knows, I hate you!

Karah: Will you guys shut up?! I'm trying to concentrate!

Adriel: Yea, you guys may want to keep it down, she'll go balistic if she doesn't get peace and quiet.

Karah: *glares at Adriel* What did you say about me?!

Adriel: I said nothing.

Sephiroth: He's a liar! He said you'll go balistic!

Rayna: *whips him again* Nobody asked you!

Sephiroth: I SWEAR ON ALL THAT IS HOLY THAT I--

Karah: *runs over to Sephiroth and pounds him into the ground* SHUT UP!!!

Sephiroth: GAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! *knocked out*

Nexus: Wow, at least we don't have to deal with him for a while.

Rayna: Good, I was getting tired of whipping him. Hehe.

Rufus: Okay, you all are getting on my nerves. *goes back to his documents and notices one on Sephiroth* What's this?

Nexus: What's what?

Rufus: No, I shouldn't let you guys in on it. It says it's confidential.

Jade: Aww, come on! You can tell us!

Rufus: No! It's confidential and that's that!!

Rayna: *walks over to Rufus and starts to erotically move around him* Please? Would you do it for li'l ol' me?

Rufus: *shivers sexually* Ugh . . . NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!! You will NOT see what's in this file! . . . even though it holds Sephiroth's most deepest darkest secrets.

Nexus: His . . . deepest . . . darkest . . . secrets?! GIVE IT HERE! *runs at Rufus and tries to grab the file*

Rufus: I said no! None of you will see this damn file!!

Karah: Come on, Rufy-chan! You can show us!

Rufus: NO!! I'M NOT SHOWING ANY OF YOU GUYS THIS FILE!! *walks out with the file in his briefcase*

Nexus: Okay then, we gotta think of a way to get that file and learn of its contents!

Karah: Well, how the hell are we gonna get it?

Nexus: . . . well, I hate to admit it. But . . . I think we need the help of the losers of Loserland.

Rayna: Whoa, don't be ridiculous! We don't need their help!

Nexus: I'm not being ridiculous. I'm being serious. We need their help as a diversion.

Karah: You sure?

Nexus: . . . I'm sure. Let's go.

(So they went off to Loserland. Nexus was the first to reach the door. He hesitated a bit, then finally knocked on the door.)

Nida: What the hell was that?!?!

Hojo: Really, you need to learn on what a knock on the door is. *answers it* Well, if it isn't Nexus! What brings you here, my lovely specimen?

Nexus: Ugh . . . I'm not here for that, you loser!

Scarlet: *pushes Hojo out of the way* Well, hey there, Nexus! You came all the way here to see me?

Nexus: Hell f***ing no, you diseased ridden whore!

Scarlet: Oh, I know you want me, baby! *winks and takes one of her pills*

Nexus: *gags*

Hojo: *brushes himself off* So what brings you here, then?

Rayna: Apparently we need you guys for a diversion inside Shinra HQ.

Nida: A diversion? For what?

Nexus: To distract Rufus just long enough for us to obtain a file from his possession.

Hojo: And what, dare I ask, is inside this file?

Karah: Things about Sephiroth.

Hojo: My son? Why would you want to learn things about him?

Nexus: Good question. But Rufus said it contained Sephiroth's deepest darkest secrets.

Nida: What's so great about finding about Planet-boy's secrets?

Hojo: Because those secrets could reveal the answers to all of our greatest questions! My my, a file containing secrets of my son, secrets that I don't even know of . . . my, my, this just will not do! I must know what that file says!

Nexus: So, will you help us?

Hojo: Hm . . . I'm in. I must find out what that file contains. Yes, yes, we must get it!

Heideggar: Gya haa haa! I ate more of your chemicals, Hojo! *spits acid at the floor*

Hojo: I swear, you need to stop eating random objects!

Heideggar: Gya haa haa!! I also ate Nexus' cell phone!

Nexus: What?! *checks for his cell phone and can't find it*

Heideggar: *phone begins to ring and vibrate inside his stomach* Gya haa haa! It tickles!

Nexus: YOU FAT TUB OF LARD!!! *attacks him*

Heideggar: Gya haa haa! This tickles and hurts!

Hojo: *pulls Nexus off of Heideggar* Now's not the time to fight him. I'll get your damn cell phone out of him later. Right now we must think of a good diversion.

Nexus: Grrr, fine. *sits down* What's the plan, loser?

Hojo: Keep talking like that, and we may not help you.

Nexus: Sorry, old habits die hard.

Scarlet: So, Hojo, what's the plan?

Hojo: Well, we're gonna try many plans, in case one should fail. First, Scarlet, we're gonna have you flirt with him.

Nexus: Well, we already failed.

Hojo: But we didn't even try the plan yet!

Nexus: If I know Rufus, he won't go for Scarlet! He didn't even go for Rayna hitting on him!

Rayna: That's true. He didn't.

Hojo: Who ever said anything about him going for Scarlet? We want him to run out of the building screaming.

Nexus: . . . that's not a bad idea!

Hojo: Alright! We'll start the plan first thing tomorrow!

(The next morning, Scarlet is walking into Shinra HQ. She checks in at the front desk and heads up to the President's Office. She knocks on the door hesitantly.)

Rufus: *looks up from his desk* Who is it?

Scarlet: Why, hello, MR. President. *winks*

Rufus: *face grows green and shivers in his seat* What do you want, pedo?

Scarlet: Kya ha ha! Oh, MR. President, you're so funny! *sits on his desk all sexually and pets his chin with her finger* You're so cute, MR. President.

Rufus: *looking scared and franticly pushing the security button underneath his desk* Hehehe, well, thanks, Scarlet. But I really must be returning to work.

Scarlet: Awww, you know *gets up off his desk and slowly walks behind him* that all work and no play makes Scarlet sad. *massages his shoulders*

Rufus: *pushing the Security Button faster* Yea . . . yea, hehe. *thinks* DAMMIT! WHERE IS THE F***ING SECURITY?!?! *stops thinking*

Scarlet: So, MR. President, what are you thinking about?

(A bunch of SOLDIER troops walk into the president's office with guns in hand.)

Soldier Elite: You called, sir?

Rufus: Oh thank god!! Take her away!

Scarlet: WHAT?!

Soldier Elite: Come on, Ms. Scarlet, you're coming with us.

Scarlet: *taken away by SOLDIERS* NO!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!!

Rufus: *sighs* Finally! I really should fire her one of these days, but she's cheap. *goes back to work*

(Later, Scarlet returned back to Loserland where everyone was there, looking stern at Scarlet.)

Scarlet: . . . what?

Nexus: I saw the entire thing! You failed miserably!

Scarlet: Hey, it's not my fault if he might be gay.

Rayna: To be honest, I don't think he's gay at all. I think he just can't stand a pedophile whore with STDs.

Scarlet: Hey, screw you bitch!

Rayna: Not even if you were the last person on earth.

Nexus: Ohhh, burn!

Hojo: Will you guys stop fighting! We have to think of another plan, since the STD-ridden whore failed to accomplish her simple task!

Scarlet: Well, excuse me!

Hojo: Okay, who else has a plan?

Nexus: Why don't we send tubby here? He still has my cell phone in his gut!

Heideggar: *cell phone rings and vibrates in his stomach* Gya haa haa! It still tickles!

Nexus: I still hate you, you fat tub of lard!

Heideggar" Gya haa haa! I also ate your laptop!

Nexus: YOU WHAT?!?!?!

Heideggar: *instant message sounds come from his belly* Gya haa haa! You got mail!

Rayna: . . . should I kill him?

Nexus: Killing him won't satisfy my anger.

Hojo: Then what will, Nexus?

Nexus: . . . *thinks* . . . *smirks at Heideggar*

Heideggar: . . . Gya haa haa?

(The next day, Heideggar is seen walking into Shinra HQ. He checked into the building and went up to the President's Office. He just walked right in.)

Rufus: What the hell are you doing here, fatso?

Heideggar: Gya haa haa! I am here! *notices Rufus' jacket hanging on a hook on the wall*

Rufus: What the hell are you looking at?

Heideggar: Gya haa haa! Is that your jacket?

Rufus: You better not eat that!

Heideggar: *puts it on and it's a tight fit* Gya haa haa! Hey Rufus, look! Fat guy in a little coat!

Rufus: Yes, yes, that's nice, now take it off.

Heideggar: Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little coat!

Rufus: Okay, really, take it off, now!

Heideggar: *sings* Fat guuuy, in a little coooaaat! Fat guuuy, in a little coooaaat!

Rufus: I'm serious, dick-face, take it off!

Heideggar: Rufus! What's happenin-- *rips the coat* . . . uh-oh.

Rufus: GRRRR!!!!

(Heideggar returned to Loserland. Everyone looking angry at him.)

Heideggar: Gya haa haa! That was fun!

Rayna: I'm glad YOU had fun, you fat f***!

Nexus: Yea, you're an even bigger dumbf*** than the skank whore here!

Scarlet: What did you say?!?!

Karah: He calls them as he sees them!

Hojo: Well then, it looks like we will have to use Nida.

Nida: Why me?! I can't get into the Shinra building without a card!

Hojo: That's why you use the side entrance.

Nida: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I drove the Garden! There's no way I'm going to run up a bunch of stairs!!

Nexus: *glares* YES YOU ARE!!

(Nida is seen walking to the Shinra building. He walked to the side entrance and looked up at all the stairs.)

Nida: Ugh!! I have to climb all these?! *begins to climb* *20th floor* Well, this isn't so bad. *30th floor* I can do this all day! *40th floor* Okay . . . getting tired. *43rd floor* My god, how many more?! *47th floor* Oh . . . my . . . god. *50th floor* *cough wheeze cough* *53rd floor* Gonna . . . die . . . *59th floor* GOD . . . KILL ME! *62nd floor and gets off* FINALLY!!!

(A bunch of SOLDIERs notice him and aim their guns at him.)

Nida: Oh god! Don't shoot me!!

(Next thing Nida knows, he's back at the entrance of the building.)

Nida: No . . . No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(Nida goes off to the stairs again and takes them on once more. Due to time constraints, we'll just say that he made it up the stairs.)

Nida: Thank god!! *walks to the President's Office door and knocks*

Rufus: Oh, for the love of-- Who is it?!

Nida: *walks in* It is I, Nida! The one who drove the Garden!

Rufus: Nida, get out.

Nida: Not until I fulfill my duty!

Rufus: And that would be?

Nida: I can't tell you!

Rufus: . . . . . . . . . . . . *shoots Nida with his shotgun and orders Dark Nation to attack Nida as well*

Nida: OW!! GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF ME!!! *accidentally breaks the window and falls out, falling down over 60 stories*

Rufus: *looks out the window where Nida fell* . . . YOU OWE ME FOR THIS WINDOW!! *goes back to his paperwork*

(Nida goes back to Loserland covered in bandages and with a crutch. As he walks in everyone looks at him.)

Nida: I know what you're all about to say . . . and I hurt myself falling out the window after being shot and attacked by Dark Nation.

Nexus: Does it look like I care? You failed miserably! WORSE THAN TUBBY!!

Heideggar: *phone rings and vibrates in his stomach* Gya haa haa! It's still tickling!

Nida: So you guys don't care that I'm hurt?!

Rayna: No, not really.

Nida: You guys suck!

Hojo: Just shut it, loud mouth.

Nexus: Grrr, Rufus is being a pain in the ass.

Karah: How about I go this time?

Rayna: I guess anything's worth a shot, Karah. Go ahead.

Karah: Woot woot! *runs off to Shinra HQ*

Nexus: . . . who else thinks she'll fail?

Everyone else: *raises their hands*

Nexus: That's what I thought.

(Karah is seen walking into the Shinra building and checks in. She also goes up to Rufus' office and knocks on the door.)

Rufus: Oh, god, now what?!

Karah: *walks in* What? You don't like talking to me? *sob*

Rufus: Oh, sorry about that, Karah. I thought you were gonna bother me about--

Karah: *continues to walk towards him, sobbing*

Rufus: Oh, come on, Karah. Don't be like that!

Karah: *sits on his desk, still sobbing*

Rufus: What do you want from me?

Karah: Well . . . *smacks Rufus with his briefcase and runs out the door with it*

Rufus: *getting up from the floor* Wha-- GET BACK HERE!!

(Karah runs out of the building with the briefcase. She returns to Loserland with it in hand.)

Karah: I got it! *puts it on the table*

Nexus: You're kidding!

Rayna: No way!

Hojo: She did . . . *shows them the initials on the briefcase: R.S.*

Jade: Way to go, Karah!

Adriel: Congrats!

Karah: Thanks!

Nexus: *shoves everyone away from the briefcase and opens it*

(A note lies inside the briefcase and Nexus picks it up to read it.)

Nexus: "Dear Nexus, It has come to my attention that you are under the impression that I have not realized what you have been trying to do. Well phooey to you. I have known since you first sent Scarlet in. It was really disturbing. So, if you want this briefcase so badly, here you go. You can have it. Sincerely, Rufus J. Shinra." . . . YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!

Rayna: Wow, he was one step ahead of us!

Hojo: I didn't think he was actually smart enough to do this.

Karah: He isn't.

Nexus: You didn't tell him anything, did you?

Karah: I didn't, but I bet I know who did.

Rayna: Tell us who told him!

Karah: It was probably Tseng!

Nexus: Tseng! That asshole!

Rayna: Great, so Tseng was filling Rufus in on it all.

Nexus: Okay, we need to think of the least likely person Rufus would expect us to send in . . .

Karah: How about Kefka?

Nexus: No, we're not sending in that freak.

Rayna: . . . I think I have a solution!

Nexus: *looks up at Rayna* Really?

Rayna: Mhmm! But it's gonna have to wait until Rufus is off of work.

(We see Rufus leaving the Shinra HQ. Reno walks up to him, staggering a little.)

Reno: Well, hello there, *hiccup* Shachou!

Rufus: *sweatdrop* Um . . . hello, Reno.

Reno: I bet *hiccup* yer lookin for a *hiccup* gooooood time!

Rufus: Reno, are you drinking again?

Reno: NO!! No way, Shachou! . . . yes.

Rufus: And you realize that you missed the meeting again.

Reno: An alcohol *hiccup* meeting?

Rufus: NOOO!!! A Shinra meeting!!

Reno: Oh! *hiccup* No! I didn' -- I mean, yes.

Rufus: That's it, give me your keycard.

Reno: NOO!! I NEED MAH *hiccup* KEYCARD!! HOW WILL *hiccup* I GET INTO THE *hiccup* BREAKROOM?! I NEED *hiccup* FOOD!!

Rufus: I don't care. Keycard, now.

Reno: NO!! I WON'T GIVE IT-- fine. *hands him the keycard*

Rufus: Good, now, we'll see you tomorrow, bright and early for the meeting.

Reno: Hell no! There's no way-- fine.

(The next day, we see Reno running up the stairs because he doesn't have his keycard.)

Reno: GAAAAAAHHHHH!!! HOW MANY FREAKIN FLIGHTS OF STAIRS ARE THERE?!?! I NEED FOOD!!!

(Reno finally makes it to the floor of Rufus' office, gasping for air.)

Rufus: Ah, Reno. I see you made it.

Reno: Please *gasp* Shachou! I need *gasp* my keycard! Must *gasp* have food!!

Rufus: You promise you won't drink anymore?

Reno: Yes! I *gasp* promise!

Rufus: Fine, here you go. *hands Reno the keycard*

Reno: YAY!!! BOOZE!!! *runs to the elevator and goes to the floor of the break room*

Rufus: *sigh* Reno, you're pathetic.

(After Reno gets his morning booze, he goes to the meeting with everyone else. He brings a whole crap load of alcohol to the meeting.)

Rufus: Reno! I told you no more booze!

Reno: Blah! *hiccup* You need ter *hiccup* chill, Shachooooouuuu!

Tseng: Reno, you disappoint me greatly.

Reno: Oh, come *hiccup* on, sir! Yeh *hiccup* both need ter *hiccup* have a drink with meh *hiccup* and not have a *hiccup* care in teh woyld!

Rufus: . . . fine, I'll have a beer.

Reno: YAY!!! *hands him a beer*

(However, Rufus didn't have just one beer, he had enough to get fully wasted. He was blabbering on about stuff.)

Rufus: AND YEH KNOW *hiccup* WE WOULDN'T HAVE *hiccup* THIS DAMN PROBLEM *hiccup* IF IT WEREN'T FOR PEOPLE!! *hiccup* PEOPLE SUCK!!!

Reno: I know! *hiccup*

Rufus: And yeh know? *hiccup* It's all that *hiccup* damn Cetra's fault! *hiccup* If there's one *hiccup* good thing *hiccup* that big mama's boy *hiccup* did, it was *hiccup* kill that damn bitch!!

Reno: Yer damn right!

Rufus: And even Sephiroth *hiccup* killing mah *hiccup* old man was a *hiccup* good thing!

Tseng: Sir! You can't be serious!

Reno: Can it, Tseng! *hiccup*

Rufus: Damn right! *hiccup* I cont-- *hiccup* -rol the world with *hiccup* fear!! It's *hiccup* easier than with *hiccup* money!

Reno: Darn tootin'!

Rufus: Yer darn tootin' it's *hiccup* darn tootin'!!

Tseng: Really, sir! He was your father! You can't think that Sephiroth killing your father was a good thing!

Rufus: Yer just jealous *hiccup* that you don't *hiccup* have a faaaaather! *hiccup*

Tseng: That's not true! I have a father!

Reno: Yea, right! *hiccup* I knew yer *hiccup* father!

Tseng: Reno, you're such a liar. You don't know who my father is!

Reno: No, reeeeeaaaaally!! Because!! *stands up* Tseng . . . *hiccup* I am your *hiccup* father! Buahaha! *hiccup*

Tseng: Reno, shut your drunk ass up!

Rufus: Yeh can't *hiccup* talk to mah *hiccup* buddy, Reno, that *hiccup* way!

Tseng: You must be joking, sir!

Rufus: Darn . . . tooooootin'!! *passes out*

Reno: Hehe! Darn "tootin'"!! *passes out*

Tseng: Jeeze . . .

Nexus: *casually walks by* Hey, Tseng. What's up? *grabs Rufus' briefcase and looks through its contents*

Tseng: Oh, nothing too mu-- hey! You can't go through that!!

Rayna: *walks in* Sure we can, Tseng. We need something out of that briefcase.

Nexus: Yea. And we know you've been filling in Rufus on our plans, which is why we used Reno this time. We knew you guys wouldn't expect us to send HIM in!

Tseng: Now I know why he showed up for a meeting.

Nexus: Damn right. *he holds up a folder* FOUND IT!! LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!

Tseng: GET BACK HERE!!!

(Nexus and Rayna high-tail it out of Shinra HQ and back to Loserland. They hand Hojo the folder.)

Hojo: I see, so sending in that drunken retard, Reno, was a good idea after all.

Rayna: Of course it was! I came up with it!

Hojo: Regardless, let's see what it says about my dear son, Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: *walks in slowly holding his head* Ow . . . that really hurt!! I'll kill you one day, Karah!!!

Karah: The hell you will!

Sephiroth: Now, I have a question. Why are you all over here at Loserland?!

Nexus: No reason, open the damn folder, Hojo!!

Hojo: Certainly! *opens it and begins to read* "X month, X day, X year, we began the Jenova Project by injecting the cells into the mother's womb."

Sephiroth: Oh!!! Story time!! And it's about me!!! *sits and listens*

Hojo: "X month, X day, X year, the baby with the injected Jenova cells is born . . . however, it was born to be a little girl. We couldn't have a female warrior because we wanted a SOLDIER that struck fear into people, and a man was much scarier than a woman."

Sephiroth: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Nexus: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Hojo: That's what it says. "X month, X day, X year, we operated on the baby and turned her into a male specimen. It will grow to be a man, however, once it hits puberty, it will grow breasts, as if a woman. We shall knock it out and remove the breast tissue and turn it into a full man. We shall also erase the child's memory so it won't remember any surgery of removing the breast tissue."

Karah: THIS IS PRICELESS!!!

Sephiroth: Do you want a fat lip?!?!?!

Rayna: Do you want me to whip you again?!

Sephiroth: *grabs her whip and burns it* Now you can't!!

Rayna: . . . *sob* You *sob* burned my whip . . .

Sephiroth: Yes, and what are you gonna do about it? Haha!

Rayna: *sob* . . . hehe! *pulls out a chain whip*

Sephiroth: *sweatdrop* How the hell?!?!

Nexus: You really shouldn't piss her off, Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: I kinda figured . . .

Rayna: Now you're gonna get it for trying to avoid getting whipped!!

Sephiroth: *slashes at the whip and destroys it* You were saying?!

Hojo: Now, now, son, settle down before you have a heart attack . . . or should I say, "daughter"? Hahaha!

Sephiroth: I swear, you're dead to me!!

Nexus: Seriously, settle down.

Karah: Yea, Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: I will NOT settle down!!!

Rufus: *bursts in* GIVE IT BACK!!!!

Nexus: *hands the file to him* Here, we found out what it says. And it was hilarious!!!

Rufus: YOU WHAT?!?!?!

Nexus: Yea, you gotta read it for yourself!

Sephiroth: You do, and you die!

Rufus: . . . you know, I'm just gonna read it! *begins to read*

Sephiroth: You're gonna end up just like your father!!!!

Karah: *attacks Sephiroth repeatedly again*

Sephiroth: GAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! *knocked out*

Nexus: Again with the knocking Sephiroth out.

Karah: Hells yea! He talked bad about Rufy-san!

Rufus: *dies laughing*

Hojo: Wow, two wonderful specimen for my experiments! My son, and my boss! Such a happy day for me!

Nexus: You can have mama's boy, but you can't have Rufus.

Hojo: Alright then, Nexus, m'boy! Have it your way.

Nexus: Alright, everyone! Let's moussy!

Adriel: Damn again, man! Do you have to make it sound so gay?

Nexus: Hey, Cloud said it.

Adriel: Doesn't mean you have to say it.

Nexus: . . . Move out! *leaves*

(Everyone left Loserland. However, Sephiroth was left behind at Loserland. He wakes up in the middle of the night in Scarlet's bed . . . with Scarlet right next to him.)

Sephiroth: Ugh . . . what happened?

Scarlet: Hey there, big stuff? Did you enjoy that little "massage" I gave you? *winks*

Sephiroth: WHAT THE?!?! *checks under the sheets* OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!! *runs away from the room and out of Loserland*

Scarlet: Hehe, once you've gone STD, you NEVER go back!

The End!

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