Vincent: I'm sorry. But hearing that name ...

Sephiroth: Oh god no! Not another emo story from the vampire!

Vincent: I'm not emo, nor am I a vampire, angel.

Sephiroth: Okay, seriously, Vincent. You're scaring me!

Nexus: Sephiroth, shut up. We all know Vincent likes you. So just shut up! But go on with your story, Vincent.

Vincent: .... it was many years ago ...

Sephiroth: Oh god ... a flashback!!!

(Flashback to Vincent's childhood .... Baby Vincent is on the floor wearing nothing but a diaper, playing with a stuffed kitty.)

Vincent: I was about 3 years old.

Sephiroth: You can remember that far back?!

Vincent: I remember a LOT of things, Angel.

Sephiroth: QUIT CALLING ME THAT!!

Vincent: Anyway, back to the story ... I was 3 years old and it was Christmas Eve.

Nexus: Sorry to interupt, Vincent, but ... if you're 3 years old, then why the hell are you in a diaper?

Vincent: Does that really matter?

Sephiroth: This explains sooo many things about you, Vincent.

Vincent: Grrr ... I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Anyway, there was one thing that I wanted for Christmas ... Cerberus.

Nexus: Wait, what?!

Vincent: Just watch ...

Vincent's dad: Hey there, sport! You excited for Santa to show up?

Baby Vincent: *nods excitedly* YEH!!

Vincent's dad: Well, then you better get to bed, sport!

Baby Vincent: Kay, kay, dada! *goes to bed*

Sephiroth: I've lost all respect for you ... "dada" ...

Vincent: Shut up!

(The next morning, baby Vincent goes downstairs to the tree and sees a note with a lump of coal.)

Baby Vincent: ... Santa? *reads the note*

Dear Vincent,
I regret to inform you that requesting for a triple barrelled firearm has, to our disliking, obligated us to handscript your legalized reference to that of the Wayward Record, undyingly!
Sincerely,
Chris Kringle.
P.S. If you didn't understand that, turn the paper around.

Baby Vincent: *turns the paper around*

Dear Vincent,
YOU GOT NUTTIN', BITCH!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!
Love,
Santa!

Baby Vincent: *sobs then cries*

(Back to the ramble room...)

Sephiroth: *sitting on the couch, snoring*

Nexus: *glares at Sephiroth* I'm sorry that happened to you, Vincent.

Vincent: It's quite alright. I swore revenge on that fat bastard long ago.

Irvine: But you already have Cerberus, don't you? So what's the point?

Vincent: The point is this: He got me absolutely nothing every year, from that year on.

Tori: That's sad. I can see why you're so depressed half the time.

Vincent: That's part of why I'm always depressed, but my sins are what really depress me.

Sephiroth: *snorts and wakes up* Huh? WHA?! Oh, I'm soooo sorry Vincent for whatever the f*** happened to you.

Reno: No you're not! You don't even know what happened.

Sephiroth: Hush! No one needs to know ...

Nexus and Vincent: ... we know.

Sephiroth: No you don't. It's a secret.

Nexus: You're such an ass, Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: *mutters* At least I don't look like one ...

Vincent: I heard that, angel. That wasn't very nice.

Sephiroth: Vincent ... I am the result of your sin!!!

Vincent: ... *goes to a dark corner and mopes*

Irvine: Oh nice going, genius!

Sephiroth: Yes it was. Now we don't have to listen to all his problems.

Reno: You're mother was killed by our ancestors!!

Sephiroth: ... *goes over to the other dark corner and mopes*

Nexus: Nice going, Reno! *high fives*

Reno: *high fives* Hehe! Thanks! This calls for a toast!! *brings out the hard liquor*

Sephiroth: You guys are horrible!! Go get a life!!

Nexus: I don't need one.

Sephiroth: I said "LIFE" not "WIFE"!!

Nexus: *glares and flails* I DIDN'T MEAN THAT!!!!

Karah: Don't mind him, Nexus. He'll always try to get on your nerves.

Tori: She's got a point. He does this to all people.

Sephiroth: Like you would know!

Tori: Shut up, Sephiroth!!

Gabe: We all really mistreat Sephiroth. Shouldn't we be nicer since it's getting close to Christmas?

Sephiroth: You guys really shouldn't be saying that!

Nexus: That we shouldn't be nicer to you? Okay then.

Sephiroth: Not that, you ass. I mean the "C" word.

Gabe: "Christmas"?

Sephiroth: Yes! That! You may offend the infidels!

Tori: The infidels?

Sephiroth: Those against my mother ...

Reno: But Seph, you kill people, yo.

Sephiroth: *blinks* That's different ... Killing people is easy, but Jenova forbid, being "politically correct" is a pain in the ass.

Nexus: That so does not make sense! You love killing people, but you don't want to insult them?!

Sephiroth: You see, killing them, there's no way they can get back at you ... insult them and they kick your ass.

Irvine: Oh?! You're afraid they'd get back at you if you don't kill them?! Then why do you insult me?!

Sephiroth: Because I know you're weak anyway, Cowboy Geek!

Irvine: That's it!!! *shoots Sephiroth*

Sephiroth: *looks up and sees a white number 1 above his head and glares at Irvine* See, weak! Now you better run, Cowboy Geek!!! *draws the Masamune*

Irvine: Oh sh*t!!! Wrong gun!!! *runs out the door*

Sephiroth: *sits down and laughes*

Reno: Whoa! You're not gonna chase after him, yo?

Sephiroth: Think about it. If I were to kill him now, who would I have to pick on then? ... besides Nexus.

Nexus: *glares*

Gabe: There's always Rufus!

Karah: That's my boss you're talkin' about!

Gabe: Ehehe, sorry.

Rufus: *barges in* Sorry I'm late! Plus, I also heard my name being called.

Sephiroth: No one cares, Dufus!

Rufus: *glares* You know, I was planning on getting you something for the holidays, but for that--

Sephiroth: Did I say "Dufus"? I meant ... Shachou!

Rufus: Yea, that's what I thought you said.

Aerith: So, what brings you here, Rufus?

Rufus: Like I said, I'm planning on getting all of you gifts for the holidays.

Nexus: For god's sake! It's "Merry Christmas"!!

Rufus: That's offensive to me!

Reno: Dare I even ask, sir?

Rufus: I'm not a whatchacallit ... Christian?

Nexus: I'm not either.

Sephiroth: Told you! It would offend the infidels!

Reno: Hehehe, Rufus is an infidel!

Rufus: What the hell is that?

Karah: It's basically a non-believer of any given religion.

Reno: Yea, I was wondering about that, Shachou! What religion are you anyway?

Rufus: I'm of the religion that says "Obey your boss, or you're gonna get your sorry ass fired!!!"

Tori: Sounds more like a dictatorship to me.

Ray: That's a political stance, not a religious aspect.

Tori: I know that! I'm just saying that it does sound like a dictatorship.

Sephiroth: That's because Rufus has an overactive ego like a dictator.

Gabe: ... so do you, Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: What are you talking about?! I do not!

Nexus: *whispers to Tori and Ray* Watch this ... *out loud* Sephiroth, you suck! You're the worst villain ever!

Sephiroth: Are you kidding me?!?! I'M THE GREATEST VILLAIN THERE EVER LIVED!!! I RULE ALL!!! I HAVE MORE FAN GIRLS THAN ANY OF YOU BASTARDS!!!

Gabe: Yea ... overactive ego.

Sephiroth: Do not!

Rufus: Yes you do! So before your overactive ego acts up again, I want you to do something for me, Nexus.

Nexus: Huh? What do you want me to do?

Gabe: Hehe, he probably wants you to read him his favorite bedtime story.

Rufus: Karah, shut your boyfriend up before I fire you!

Karah: Shut up, hun!!

Gabe: Sorry...

Rufus: But it did have something along those lines ... I want you to read us all my favorite holiday themed book, "The Night Before Christmas."

Sephiroth: *smirks*

Nexus: *looks over at Sephiroth* Oh I see where this is going ... but alright. I'll read it to you all.

Rufus: Yay! I'll be back in a bit! I have to get the book and Mr. Fluffers! *runs out the door*

Sephiroth: I think I'm going to have so much fun with this.

Aerith: Be nice! Don't even THINK of ruining this book!

Sephiroth: Don't worry, I won't ruin it ... much ...

Tori: I think things are gonna get out of hand, Nex.

Nexus: When do they not?

(After a few short minutes ... okay, maybe a few hours ... Rufus returns to the Ramble Room with book and Mr. Fluffers in hand ... he's also in his pajamas.)

Rufus: Sorry I'm late. But I also invited everyone else.

Karah: ... Exactly who did you invite?!

(At that moment, all the Kingdom Hearts II characters walk in, Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz, the Final Fantasy VIII characters, and the FFIX characters as well.)

Nexus: I think you went overboard, Rufus.

Sora: Exactly why did you bring us here?

Goofy: Uck-hyuck! He probably brought us here for a duck feast! Isn't that right, Donald! Uck-hyuck!

Donald: Wak!!

Rufus: I brought you all here to hear the Night Before Christmas!

Squall: ... oh joy.

Zidane: Isn't that the story with Santa and everything?

Xemnas: Yes, Zidane, it is that exact story ... but who cares? Like we can feel happiness like the characters in that story.

Sephiroth: ... emo bastard ....

Xemnas: How is it that I can be emo, when I have no heart to be depressed in the first place?

Kadaj: Easy, Mansex! You complain a lot.

Xigbar: *snicker*

Xemnas: Curse you, Xigbar, for unfortunately finding that anagram of my name ...

Xigbar: Hey, come on, Mansex! Cheer up! It's all in good fun!

Axel: Of course, Superior. It's just for our humor. Got it memorized?

Xemnas: Exactly why do you say that, Axel? It's been getting on my nerves.

Axel: ... you really want to know?

Nexus: You might as well tell us. It's not like we're gonna get to this anytime soon.

Axel: Well, alright. I somehow have a memory of when I used to have a heart. It was during Christmas ...

Sephiroth: No! NO!! NOOO!!! Not another goddamned flashback!!!

Axel: Too bad. Nexus said I can!

Sephiroth: Goddammit!!

(Flashback to Axel's childhood memory of Christmas.)

Axel: I was 8 or so, and I was sitting next to this cute boy ... who ironically looked a LOT like Roxas.

Roxas: Seriously!! I'm not into you!!! So quit it!!

Axel: Oh, Roxy-poo!! You know you like me!! Got it memorized?!

Roxas: For god's sake, Axel! Just get on with the story!!

Axel: Oh! Right ... anyway! As I was saying before, it was during school, staring at that blonde hair, blue eyes ... and a nice ass ... *drools*

Roxas: AXEL!!!

Axel: What?! ... oh, right. Well, as I was staring into blank space at the other boy, the teacher came up to me with a ruler in hand and slapped the desk."

Teacher: *slaps the desk* Lea!! Did you memorize your lines for the play?!?!

Lea: Wha?! Oh ... I ... uh ...

Teacher: *slaps Lea with the book* GOT IT MEMORIZED?!?! GOT IT MEMORIZED?!?! GOT IT F***ING MEMORIZED?!?!?!

Lea: *cries and runs out the door*

(Return to the Ramble Room.)

Axel: ... that was the worst day of my life ... got it memorized?!

Sephiroth: Boring!!

Axel: You are just the biggest pompous jerk I've ever met!!! Got it memorized?!

Sephiroth: Yea, sure, whatever.

Axel: No, really! You are!

Sephiroth: And I agreed with you! I'm a big pompous jerk, as you so put it.

Reno: Wow, Sephiroth's agreeing with something negative about him? Must be the Apocolypse!!!

Xemnas: It's not the friggen apocolypse. You're just overreacting.

Larxene: Shocking, isn't it, Superior?

Rufus: Yes, it's F***ING shocking! Let's get on with the real story of the night!

Kadaj: But I wanted to tell my own stor--

Sephiroth: No one cares about how you came to be!!!

Yazoo: You mean of how you pissed in the Lifestream?

Sephiroth: *flails* LIKE I KNEW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

Nexus: Settle down, everyone! ... especially you, ya spazz! *glares at Sephiroth*

Kadaj: I'M NOT A SPAZZ!!!

Yazoo: He was talking about Sephiroth, dear brother.

Kadaj: ... oh.

Nexus: Yes. On with the story! Since Rufus is paying me to read this--

Rufus: I AM NOT!!!

Nexus: As I said, since Rufus is PAYING me to read this, I am reading you all "The Night Before Christmas".

Sora: I love that movie!!!

Nexus: What movie?!

Sora: Well duh! "The Night Before Christmas!!" You know ... with Jack Skelington, Sally, Dr. Finkelstein, Oogie Boogy ...

Nexus: ... that's "The NightMARE Before Christmas", you ass.

Sora: Then what's this story about?

Xaldin: If you'd shut up, he'd read the damn book.

Sora: Okay ... geeze.

Nexus: Anyway ... I'm gonna read you all, the Night Before Christmas.

Sephiroth: This would be a good time for all Muslims to stop reading this ramble ...

Nexus: SEPHIROTH!!!!

Sephiroth: What?

Karah: That's racist!

Sephiroth: No it's not! I'm just telling the truth ...

Nexus: Anyway ... "'Twas the Night Before Christmas ..."

Sephiroth: And all the Jews were at the movies ...

Nexus: *glares*

Sephiroth: They could be eating Chinese food ... or being a bunch of dipwads as they're reading this ramble ... seriously, I don't know why they are even bothering.

Nexus: Seriously. Stop talking. "'Twas--

Sephiroth: WHO THE HELL SAYS "'TWAS"?!?!

Nexus: It's part of the story, dipshit.

Sephiroth: It's old and stupid.

Irvine: Like your mother.

Kadaj: DON'T BE DISSIN' KAA-SAN!!!

Yazoo: I won't have you talking about Mother that way!!

Loz: You meanie!!!

Irvine: My apologies ...

Reno: Don't worry, you're ma's cool ... what the hell am I saying?!?!

Nexus: Shut up! "'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house ..."

Sephiroth: Why is it always a house? There's kids in apartments too! How does Santa deliver presents to the kids in the apartments, uncle Nexy?!

Nexus: How the hell should I know? I'm not psychic.

Sephiroth: They have to buzz his fat ass in.

Rufus: Will you stop interupting the story?!

Sephiroth: *buzz* "Santa Claus ..."

Nexus: "'Twas the night before christmas, and all through the apartments, not a creature was stirring ..."

Sephiroth: Except for the assholes in 2B.

Gabe: Will you stop?!

Sephiroth: Don't you wanna know what they were doing?

Sora: Sure. What were they doing?

Sephiroth: They were beating each other over the head with Menorahs.

Nexus: I'll pretend I didn't hear that! "Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

Sephiroth: A mouse?! You wish! You're living in an apartment, that there's a rat!!

Nexus: Sephiroth!!! That's it! I'm gonna read this ... my way!

Sephiroth: ... uh-oh.

Reno: You really did it now, yo.

Sephiroth: Don't say another word ...

(We go into the story this time ... and Sephiroth is the child in the book. Hojo is also there.)

Sephy: Oh god!!! Why's he here?!

Nexus: Because I said so.

Hojo: Come now, son. Let's go play a friendly game of "Find the Sausage" before Santa shows up.

Sephy: Goddamn you!

Nexus: "'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack, not a creature was stirring, not even Sephy the prick."

Sephy: I am not a prick!

Nexus: "The stockings were hung by the deer and chuck, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would give a f***."

Sephy: Wait, WHAT?!

Karah: I like this version better!

Nexus: "The failures were nestled all snug in their bed, while visions of Hojo's sausage danced in their heads."

Sephy: I DON'T LIKE THIS STORY!!!

Rufus: I do! Keep going!

Nexus: "And mommy in her thong, and I in my leather pants, had just settled down to give mommy a lap dance."

Sephy: NOOOOOOOO!!! WHAT AM I DOING TO MOTHER?!?!?!

Hojo: You get to do me next, son!

Sephy: OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!

Nexus: "When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed, but had something inside me fatter."

Sephy: OMG!!! THIS IS PAINFUL IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!!!!

Nexus: "Away to the window I flew like a flash, to greet the robber and give him my cash."

Sephy: I hate you, Nexus!!!

Nexus: No one cares. "The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow, Hojo would ask for Sephy to give him a blow."

Hojo: That's right, son! We still need to play "Find the Sausage!!!

Sephy: I'm not playing that EVER!!!

Nexus: "When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh that struck me with fear."

Sephy: Why would it strike me with fear?

Axel: I think we're gonna find out. Got it memorized?

Nexus: "With a little old driver, so ill-like and sick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick."

Sephy: Wait ... he's sick?! How sick we talkin?!

Nexus: "Drunker than Reno his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and yelled out their name; 'Now, Luxord! Now Demyx, Now Axel and Vexen! On Mansex! On Marluxia! On Xaldin and Zexion!!"

Xemnas: Stop calling me that!

Reno: Oh hush! It's just a story, yo.

Sephy: I'm not liking this story!!!

Gabe: I think everyone else is.

Nexus: "To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! We must give Sephy another ball!"

Sephy: What do you mean by that?!?!

Nexus: "As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, They met with an obstacle: Sephy is bi."

Sephy: THE HELL I AM!!!

Nexus: "So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, With the sleigh full of sex-toys, and Sephy's testicle too."

Hojo: I'm liking this already!

Sephy: I'm not, you perverted freak!!

Nexus: "And then a tinkling I heard on the roof, The pissing and whatnot, from each little hoof."

Sephy: OMG!! WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO THE ROOF?!?!?!

Nexus: "As I drew in my hand, and was turning around, Down the chimney, St. Nicholas with a hardon I found."

Axel: Bwahahahaha!!!

Hojo: I am most pleased. Come, my son.

Nexus: "He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his boot, Watch out, he may have come for your loot."

Sephy: What does that mean?!?!

Nexus: "A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And he looked like a peddler, revealing his ball sack."

Hojo: Oh, my my! *licks lips*

Sephy: NOOOOO!!!

Karah: *laughing too hard*

Zidane: *can't breathe* This is too funny!!

Nexus: "His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses ... oh god, I must be a friggen fairy!!"

Sephy: I HATE YOU!!!!

Nexus: "His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and my, how his member would grow!"

Hojo: OH!!!

Sephy: *running for the door* GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!

Nexus: "The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and how I would soon be filled like a sheathe."

Sephy: OH MY GOOOOOOD!!!

Hojo: Now now, son. Be a good boy, and drop your drawls for Santa.

Sephy: Not even in your friggen dreams!!!

Nexus: "He had a broad face and a little round belly, how I can't wait to be filled with his jelly."

Sephy: *grabs a handgun* Back off, tubby!!! I'm armed!!! *gun disappears* ... AWW CRAP!!!

Nexus: No guns!! "He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I cried like a baby, in spite of myself."

Sephy: *cries loudly* I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!

Irvine: *in tears with laughter*

Nexus: "A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know everything of dread."

Hojo: You know what's coming, son.

Sephy: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Nexus: "He spoke not a word, but went straight to work, filled not the stockings, and gave a big jerk."

Sephy: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hojo: That lucky boy ...

Nexus: "And laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up Sephy's chimney rose.

Sephy: THIS IS VERY PAINFUL!!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Nexus: "He sprang from my bum, to me, gave a whistle."

Sephy: *grabs another gun* Back off, fat boy!!! Cause I have a pistol!!!

Nexus: "But I heard him exclaim, ere he ran out of sight ..."

Santa: "Merry Christmas to you, Sephy! You didn't put up much of a fight!!"

(Return to the Ramble Room ... everyone is out of breathe due to laughing too hard ... except Sephiroth, who is quivering in fear.)

Nexus: There! Take that, mama's boy!

Sephiroth: I hate Christmas!!! I hate you! I hate all of you!!!

Aerith: *wiping away her tears of laughter* Oh, come on, Sephy, it's just a story.

Sephiroth: I don't care! I hate you all!! I swear Nexus!!! I'll get you for this!!

Gabe: *points in Sephiroth's general direction* Sephiroth! Look behind you!

Sephiroth: *turns around* Huh?!

Barret: *dressed like Santa* Yo!! Merry Christmas, foo'!!! DROP YOUR DAMN PANTS, BOY!!!

Sephiroth: OHMYGODRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! *runs out the door*

Nexus: Hehe ... Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

The End!

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