Aight . . . so here's the shiznit. Car designers are outrageously fucking morons! Not one of these white-collar big wigs has ever worked on their own car, guaranteed. If they did, I wouldn't lose a pint of blood whenever I try to do something like change a fuckin' spark plug.
Every last one of the motherfuckers oughta be shot, and I'm just the guy to do it. And when they're done, I'd hire a bunch of shade tree mechanics [for the uneducated, that would be guys like me] to design all the innards of the car . . . sure, stuff like engines and transmissions would be designed by the same people . . . but how they're stuffed into the frame and body would be left up to the grease monkey.
Case in point - because Erie County is too broke from being anally raped by every politician in New York, they can't fix the two-foot deep potholes on my road. When forced into such a hole by a Time Warner cable truck, my left rear strut on my 1996 Dodge Intrepid bit the dust. For those of you who don't know why this is so important . . . one round piece of 12gauge sheet metal supports one fourth the weight of my car . . . somewhere around 900lbs when at rest. So when this fell apart, my car settled towards the rear and literally started burning up my rear tires.
So there's the problem, the solution sounds simple . . . put a new strut in, they only run around $60 apiece. And are only connected to the car by one bolt, and two nuts! How easy!! And how fucking wrong you would be!!! Because of course, Dodge designs parts to fail under stress so that you have to take it to a shop. To give you an idea of what I'm dealing with this time . . . here's a pic. You'll need to focus primarily on the large springy lookin' things. Keep in mind, this is all crammed under the car, around the gas tank an' trunk, not to mention the only access is through the wheel well.

So. . . now that I've managed to snap off the only goddamn mother fuckin' bolt holding the strut into the wheel hub, I've got to find some way to remove the rest of the bolt [drill the motha fucka out!] and then figure out how to get another bolt in [thread it with a tap set, or just put a longer bolt with a nut on it] to keep the new strut in place. If you'll look at Fig. 6, it'll be easier to see what exactly I'm working with.

So I drill out the bolt, makin' the hole larger to fit a bolt and nut that can actually be removed or cut apart and not have to dick around with drilling into high alloy steel! Then I've got to figure out how to actually put the strut with the spring installed back on the car . . . at this point I figured it would be easier to stick a rag in the gas tank and kiss the car goodbye. Having my cell phone handy, I called the local Dodge dealership's parts department and chewed out the floor manager, never game his a chance to speak, and screamed at the top of my lungs [your designs are fuckin' dumber than the new Korean-built cars you fucking ass!!!] to end the conversation 'cuz there's no receiver to slam when using a cell phone . . . and I wanted him to know I was done talkin' to him. Instead of gently tapping the strut into place, I plan on setting the wheel hub on a jack and when its all assembled, just start jacking up on the hub until the spring takes over and forces the strut down into the hub. Example done . . . back to general accusations of stupidity.
Every goddamn time I replace some cheap simple car part, I end up losing a pint of blood and a coupla square inches of skin. Why? Because the assholes in Detroit want me to. Why? So then I have to take my car to a dealer to get a part that only they supply and they have a chance to fuck me up the ass with a telephone pole. The best cars I have ever worked on have all been made before 1985 or in other countries . . . THAT is goddamn depressing. Those of you who know me know that I'd rather drive an American made car that'll kick the shit outta some little Honda Civic that the preppy rebel whiney bitch decorated with pretty lil' stickers than admit that other countries are producing better cars than the good ol' U. S. of A. With the bullshit that NYS is pullin' with inspections, it isn't surprising that they're trying to force all the small family owned car repair shops out of business. The way they design the cars nowadays is just one more sign of THE MAN tryin' to keep an honest hardworking mechanic down in the gutter where he can be easily kicked by the rich fat cats like Donald Trump. If you ask me . . . send them all to hell and everyone buy a horse. Not only would it solve the energy crisis in the U.S. but it would cut down on pollution and deadly motor vehicle accidents. Drunk driving accidents would be a thing of the past . . . have you ever seen a drunk try and get on a horse? I have . . . rather amusing, but he wasn't going anywhere faster than he could walk. So save the earth and ride a horse . . . for the gorgeous female animal rights activists, you can save a horse and ride a cowboy. If you need help findin' a cowboy to ride, just lemme know, I'll take care of your riding needs.

~Contact me at [email protected]