So I was walking down the street today and I realized something.
Abbreviations run rampant in our society. They are the scurrvy in a society with no citrus. Old people working at Wal Mart, kids on cell phones, minorities in Cadillacs, and abbreviations are a select few of the things that are FUCKING EVERYWHERE!!!
I spoke before about the evils of ABBRVS, and the masses of morons (both of them) that read it agreed with me. WE AS A PEOPLE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS EPIDEMIC THAT IS AIM-SPEAK.
The following are what to look for to determine if the person you are talking to on any text-based medium is, in fact, a complete fucking idiot:
1. - LoL (and other laughter signs)...The original "lol" was mildly acceptable. After all, how can one show that humor has been acknowledged and accepted over a text message? One cannot project the sound of laughter over the internet, just as one cannot punch someone's baby in the face through plexiglass. I've tried.
I had to stop that short, as I was about to try to staple my right hand to the desk to avoid touching the letters "l" and "o" ever again.
2. - All 1337 speak...I know. LET'S REPLACE LETTERS WITH NUMBERS! Because only fucking h@Xx0rz and n00bz actually formulate words. And being a n00b is worse than being an e-Jew in the neo-Nazi regime of the Internet.
3. - Shorten a word, MAKE IT BETTER!...Clearly the best way to type is by outsourcing to Chinese words. The shorter it is, the faster it is, and the less you have to pay money to it. After all, Chinese don't eat anything except your dog with some rice.
The point of all this is simple. It'd be hilarious if you killed yourself.
Oh, and blow me.
But while the original "lol" was one thing that was acceptable, since "ha" was considered to be sarcasm, the "laughing out loud" abbreviation has gone out of control. There are people who type the fucking thing after every god damned comment or sentence made.
iG0tThaHIV: jenn hau r u lol!!!
sAndInmYtwAt: im g00 grl lolol!!!(}:-D)
iG0tThaHIV: diju see mtv OMG CARSONS SOOOOOOOOOO FUNNYLOLROTFLMAOLOLOL!!!
sAndInmYtwAt: 0<;=P' i no his sooo hott!lol!
Not to mention that any fucking person that spends more time on their smiley faces than on their grammar needs to be sodomized with an ox, and quick. That ox is getting lonely!
Consider, though, a person in real life who does that. That is to say, they laugh every time that they make a statement, as though the activation of their vocal chords causes them to fart. Because I don't know about you, but I think farting = FUCKING HILARIOUS! Anyway, for example, "Would that be paper or plastic HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Imagine putting up with that in real life. Another favorite would be the girl that asks to borrow a tampon and then laughs so hard she misses her period anyway. Whoops.
I'd give myself a single conversation before the urge to kill myself took over. Of course, the urge to kill others would come around first.
It's pronounced "leet speak," and if you ever hear somebody say that in real life, proceed to bash their head into their own monitor. Hope that they don't die, but that their monitor does. Then break their ATI RADEON 14000 PRO graphics card over their head, thus ruining their will to live. Finish it off to use their power supply to shocks their little nubs of testicles. Oh the irony that their technology is neutering them for once!!!
Mayhaps someone should clue these wastes of sperm into the fact that programmers in a mountain somewhere type a whole lot of code so that when we hit certain keys on the keyboard, letters appear intsead of numbers. I'm glad that pretty soon, people will be using five thousand dollar keyboards with light up functions that spermicide built in so that they can speak in binary to each other about how bad they pwn3d teh k@mping fuxX0rz last night.
By the way, die.
Observe the inside of the head of any given person using AOL Instant Messenger (except me, because I only use perfect grammar):
Clearly I'm in too much of a rush to actually speak in proper grammer while online. Stupid second grade teachers...they have wasted all the hours of my life and theirs in trying to teach me the proper way to use the English language. I'LL INVENT MY OWN LANGUAGE!
But how? All I ever did in French/Spanish class (because those are the only foreign languages in the world) was steal the backpack of the kid that worked hard that sat in front of me because he's smart and I have to take his arrogant ass down a peg from how much smarter he is than me and if I turn his backpack inside out he will recognise my superiority over him.
I KNOW! I'll take the existing language, and I'll simply edit it into whatever I want! I will spell things fonetically! I'll drop unneeded hyphens, silent letters, and parts of words like they were a giant shit and I had diarrhea!
"Damn" will become "dam", even though that will cause confusion as to which dam I am talking about!
"Boy" will become "boi". Because that makes any fucking sense.
And I'll take "real" and turn it into "reel!" That'll stick it to The MAN! That'll show that thirteen year old girl from the other side of the country that she can't fuck with me! I'll fuck with her! And I won't use lubricant!
This isn't one of those many articles on the internet that says that you SHOULD kill yourself. But it'd be one of the funniest things to happen in your whole life. Don't believe me? I hope you don't try it. Because if you tried it, I clearly would not get what I want.
In all honesty, I think it'd be humorous to watch, oh little kid on the net. To see your parents come home. They walk in the door. And what do they find? YOU! ON THE FLOOR! WITH AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF RAT POISON NEXT TO YOU, AND A KNIFE IN YOUR THROAT! THAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS!
Then when they read the note next to you that says, "Just kidding guys. I'm really just upstairs." So then they go upstairs and they find another note. This one says "APRIL FOOLS! I'M REALLY DEAD!!!"