| I Staircase Profile - to be further updated! |
| Timothy |
 |
| A happy little hobbit from The Shire, Tim is currently studying Anglo-Saxon history here in Downing in an attempt to familiarise himself with the world of Men. After successfully integrating himself with humans within Cambridge, Tim is now considering leaving the comforts of the Shire behind and moving to the more cosmipolitan environment provided by Bree. (Of course, we all know that this is just a cover for Tim's real life - he is, in fact, older than time itself, and it has been rumoured that he is actually God.) Tim is well-known to enjoy "putting himself about" and is often enthusiastically visited by the menfolk of I Staircase. A keen singer/guitar and whistle player, Tim loves folk music and techno-bagpipes, and is in a John Denver tribute band to pay tribute to his sadly-deceased father. |
 |
| The Earth - Tim's last big project? |
| Lej |
 |
| Easily the coolest person within the entirity of...at a rough guess, the universe - hence his fond nickname "Legend" or simply "Lej", Ed is the Second Coming of Jesus on this most unworthy world. Here to judge our sins and rain punishment down upon us (through the mediums of breaking at least one thing belonging to every one of us, walking in on us undressing, and never, ever making use of tact), Lej nevertheless seems to have welcomed us into his heart and regularly treats us to an impromptue concert - how could we forget his renditions of "Rape Me"! - and a quick lesson in bustin' some fly moves on the dance floor. The reincarnation of Kurt Cobain, Lej is particularly interested in table football and chess - sports in which he's racked up many a win - as well as proving how hard he is by drinking many a pint of coke. |
 |
| Thomas |
| Although he continues to claim that he is naught but a simple farmboy, raised and educated by cows within the Young Farmer's Club and sent off to Cambridge in order to get a degree under the piece of ragged string that passes for a belt down in Somerset, we all know that Tom is a minor member of royalty (distantly related to Princess Anne, I believe). Educted at Eton, Tom was born with an entire silver cutlery set in his mouth - including the ladle. Studying NatSci, it remains to be seen when Tom will drop this common farmer charade. Interested in acting, having played Julia in the recent adaptation of Julius Caesar, Tom is only twelve years old - check out his baby face! - and is actually a reincarnation of Satan, although he also denies this. Oh Tom, will you ever learn! According to the frequent messages left on the fridge, Tom also 'sux cock badly for money.' |
| Surely if Tom were really a farmer, he would only wear wellies? |
 |
| Richard |
| A self-confessed Geordie, this giant divvy hails from Newcastle, where he lives amongst the hippies, goths and charvas on Hippy Green. Although his main hobbies are smoking weed whilst huddled up in his Slipknot hoody, he is also fond of insulting everyone and anyone he meets, initiating the exchange with a cry of "oh!" so high pitched it makes one seriously doubt whether or not he is actually past puberty. Rich is worryingly fond of Dave, often mirroring his particular catchphrases and reminiscing about the day he got to see him "dance around singing with a tea-towel." Kinky...Rich is most commonly heard to be muttering "You're a mackem...you're a dirty mackem" or "We hate Sunderland" as a desperate measure to hide the fact that he has roots in that very same area. He pretends to be a good football player, and we pretend to believe that his only role on the team isn't handing out the halftime oranges. |
 |
| Rich's home - hippy green. |
 |
| James |
A cheeky Yorkshireman at heart, James moved to Cambridge as part of an attempt to go for the longest "taking the dog for a walk"/"sneaking off to the pub" ever. Having heard of the massive 'pubs per head' available in Cambridge from Lej, James immediately acquired a dog and took it for a walk, straight into 'Spoons, where he has enthusiastically been walking it ever since. In literally every conversation ever with James he has managed to astound and amuse everyone with his amazing habit of taking a seemingly innocent subject - such as jellyfish - and taking it to a riduculously disgusting amount of sexual innuendo. Nothing is safe from this guy's filthy mind. He used to be a member of the cheeky, fun-loving sixties pop-sensation "The Monkees" before leaving to go his own, dog-walking way. |
 |
| shudder... |
 |
| Dave's drink of choice. Classy guy...hi Sue! |
| David |
| Known both as Dave, Dinks and Alex, David is possibly most well renowned for his distinctive cries of "Hi Sue!" and "Your face!" Another footballer, with ball-skills best demonstrated by the repeated accidental destruction of his alarm clock using only a football- which may explain his habitual lateness for any and every event ever. Despite his poor time-keeping, Dave works fast - already the heart of every woman on I Staircase beats to the tune of Dave's "wickid" music, and he has managed to impregnate one supervisor within seven weeks! Not bad for a man described by an annonymous (yet legendary) source as "overtly homosexual." Despite his milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard ("your face!"), it seems obvious that Dave's real interests lie in women. And sitting at his desk working all day too, of course. Oh, and repeatedly attempting to burn down our living area. But mainly women. |