I have responsibilities that I am not taking care of. my house is a bloody wreck and my finaces are in turmoil. I've taken Paxil for 2 years. I've been in Pax-HELL. I've taken myself off the drug and am now experiencing terrible withdrawal symptoms. I am overwhelmed with my life. When I begin to clean (or participate in any other activity) I am only able to do a tiny bit. Then I have a "brain zap" and feel faint. BUT, if I wanna get on the internet, hell, I'll do it! I don't know what's wrong with me. i don't want to do what I need to do. And I can't MAKE myself do it. I realize that I've gone for so long without doing the basic things to take care of myself, that I have inadvertently destroyed any chance of building relationships and opening up my house to friends and acquaintances.
My dream is to have an open house, a house where the Lord lives and people can be free to come and have a drink and relax. Maybe one day it will be that way. Today I HIDE in it. I would be mortified if someone came over today. In fact, I wouldn't let them in, even my parents. One reason that I've let it go is that I've decorated and had everything "perfect" and people have criticized my home. Therefore, I thought, "Well, it can't be perfect, so FUCK IT." This is a harmful thought for me. When I say "fuck it" I'm really saying, "I give up. I will no longer try to thrive. I will get by and survive and that's all using minimum effort, if any at all." This is the way I've lived for close to two years. I can't go on like this anymore. I know I must "Get it together" but I have absolutely no energy. Where do I start? What can I do? It's too much!! That is when I have to take baby steps and do a little bit at a time. I will see progress when I do a little. I used to believe that if what I was doing wasn't PERFECT, then I was not good, I was defective in some way. I know that it's not the truth, but somehow, somewhere in the past, that's what I believed. I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in to defeat. I WANT to have the life that I've always dreamed. And I will.
My dream is to open all my doors and let the breeze rush though my home, to build a sanctuary in my backyard, to have neighbors stop by for a visit, to read my Bible study at my table in the den looking out the window at the birds and be reminded of God's beautiful creation, to have a man come over and be impressed with my sense of style, to have friends comment on my collections, to share my home with those in need of shelter, to be happy, peaceful, calm and serene. |
