| My Little Girl |
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| My little girl is trying to grow up, but she's stuck. She's about 6 years old and she doesn't trust adults. She thinks that they are mean. She loves to play with her dolls. She doesn't have many friends. When she meets another little kid, she always wants to help them. She's shy. She thinks adults yell too much. She doesn't like adults...that's for sure! |
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| I was thinking this morning about school when I was in first grade. I had to go to "speech" class. It was a time that I would go with this lady to a little portable building and we would play games and talk and she would give me fun tests. I remember walking down the sidewalk with my speech teacher and another teacher was walking towards us. The speech teacher took my hand and held my hand while she walked by. I remember her hand was so warm and soft. Going to speech was a special time for me. I could be away from the other kids and I could talk and share and I had someone who was there to help me. When I thought about that this morning I started crying. I don't know why. I'm beginning to cry now, just thinking about it. I guess it's because someone really cared about me, and that's a great feeling. |
| Today, I'm trying to think about my childhood. I can't remember alot. I don't have many childhood memories. I know that I was a pretty shy little girl. I was scared of men and loud people. I spent most of my time playing with dolls and watching t.v. My best friend and I would ride bikes and spend the night at each other's houses. My mom would take us places, but I always remember her being mean. She was so mean. I used to wonder if I was abused. I thought, "I must have been really bad for my mother to hurt me and yell at me so much." But, I know that's not true. Why can't I remember????? |
| Last night I was talking to one of my best friends from childhood. I told her about how I can't remember anything about my past. She told me (very patiently) the things we used to do, games we used to play, toys we played with, etc. I started crying. I said, "Do you remember my mom being mean? Do you remember her acting mean towards me?" (See, I still was thinking, "Surely I couldn't have been abused. I had to 'make it up' or I must have been really bratty or selfish or ungrateful, just like my mom says I was".) My friend said, "Girl, just because I didn't see her hit you, doesn't mean she didn't. And if you have a question whether you were abused or not, usually means you were." I've told my counselor things about my relationship with my mom and he's said that I was severely abused. So, why can't I figure it out and accept the fact? Why must I always ask why? Why did she hit me? Why did she yell and scream and look at me with those eyes of hate? and more importantly....why do I allow her to still control me????????????? |
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