“Ow fuck!” Paul hissed as the blood started to seep out of the nick under his chin. He looked accusingly at the cheap packet-razor he was using, convinced he could see a large chunk of his flesh between the blades before shoving it forcefully into the lukewarm sink full of water hoping the sadistic bastard might drown.
          “Good morning,” Gina perked, bounding into the bathroom; she stopped to peck him lightly on the cheek then let out a squeak. “Ew, you’re bleeding."
          “Really? I thought it was freak stigmata,” Paul groused, tearing a small piece of tissue and gently covering the cut.
          “You never know, they could’ve slipped when hammering the nails into Jesus’s flesh and scraped his chin with that bit of the hammer you pull the nails out with."
          “Yeah Genie, had he lived he might’ve sued Bunnings,” Paul jeered and finished the last of his shaving without further incident. “Anyway, I blame the shitty razors you bought."
          “Excuse me?” Gina scorned as she neatened a drooping towel. “I think you’ll find they’re exactly the same as the ones you buy."
          Paul looked at the razor in his fingers, realised she was right and decided a change of subject was needed quickly to avoid him looking like a dick any further. “Are you sure we have to go to this BBQ?"
          “You made the arrangements,” Gina countered, crossing her arms and wanting to throttle him for being so unsubtle.
          “So? Can’t we cancel? We’ll feign pneumonia,” He enthused and turned to look at her. “I’ve done it before when Mikey wanted me to…go to the…What the fuck are you dressed as?"
          “You don’t like it?” Gina pouted, looking at her knee length floral skirt, pink singlet and matching pink thongs. Not to mention the fact that she’d put her long blonde hair into two very cute plaits tied with pink hair bands.
          Paul stayed looking pensive and slightly bewildered a moment. “I don’t hate it, it’s just, you’re a girl."
          “At which part during our lovemaking had you become confused?” Gina asked, starting to feel self-conscious.
          “No, I mean I know you’re a girl but you’re not usually excessively girlie and I’ve been curious for quite sometime about what your legs look like."
          Gina cocked her head to the side. “So do I look ok or not? You’re making me paranoid."
          “I think it’s hot,” Paul smiled. “Sure, the Pippi Long-Stocking hairdo is mildly worrying but I can see a kinky side to it, if we could just get you into a school uniform…”
          “If I were significantly younger that’d be paedophilia,” Gina declared, uncrossing her arms as she felt her self-esteem redeem itself.
          “Yeah but you’re not so it’s just a sexual fetish,” Paul shrugged and wandered over to turn on the shower. “Which begs the question, would it be too much to ask for you to acquire a school uniform? Catholic preferably."
          “Depends, would you wear one too?” Gina mused trying to fight a smile. “I’d get quite a kick outta seeing you in shorts, long socks and grey v-neck jumper."
          Paul’s smile changed from mildly curious to rampantly lustful and he let out something resembling a growl. “You know if we could wrestle your Aunt’s classroom for the afternoon we could have a lot more fun than a fucking BBQ."
          Gina studied him a moment, the image of Paul dressed as a school boy and them doing it against a blackboard running through her mind like bad porn. She’d put calling her Aunt down on the top of her list of things to do. “Get yourself ready, I have muffins to organise."
          “Damn,” Paul muttered, stripping off his underwear and stepping into the shower as Gina strode from the bathroom, plaits akimbo. He thought for a moment and then stuck his head out from behind the glass. “Hold on, did you say muffins?"

          As Gina killed the engine at the park Paul couldn’t help but feel slightly excited, the weather was stunning, Gina was looking adorable with her gingham lined muffin basket and he’d taken at least half a packet of antihistamines to keep his hayfever at bay. They stepped out of the car and he was pleased that she’d argued with him until he dressed super casual in jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers and left his jacket at home even though you never knew when a breeze was going to pick up.
          “So, where were is everyone?” Gina asked as Paul took her hand and they started through the gates.
          “No idea,” Paul shrugged. “Although I’m sure Mikey and Steve will stand out like sore thumbs,” he added as they passed three children who were either playing or trying to kill each other it was hard to tell.
          “That’s a really stupid saying you know,” Gina piped up and Paul looked at her curiously.
          “What do you mean?"
          “Well, unless it’s wrapped in a huge, comical bandage you’re not gonna know if someone has a sore thumb."
          “What if there’s blood pissing out of it?"
          “Well that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s sore, it just means you’ve split the skin."
          Paul paused. “You’re right, that is a stupid saying."
          “Told you,” Gina smiled cheekily and Paul felt his heart give an unusual twinge. Dear god, was that a sign that he was finding her, Gina, of all things - cute? He averted his attention to the rolling green lawns and large gum trees that created a patchwork effect of dark and light throughout the park. They glimpsed a pond with a few ibises loitering about in the shallows and Paul made a mental note to go back and throw things at them later, he hated ibises like he hated cockroaches, if not more. “There they are!"
          Paul looked over the where Gina was pointing not far in front, under a large ghost gum where his friends and colleagues were crowded but enjoying the warm afternoon.
          “Finally he fucking arrives,” Mikey declared sporting a Rugby shirt and sucking on a stubbie.
          Paul felt compelled to tell him to mind his language as there were children present but realised he wouldn’t be taken seriously. “What? You need me to feed you or something?"
          “Would you use an aeroplane spoon?” Mikey asked in a child-like voice. Paul started making small plane noises and Gina shook her head.
          “Thankyou for reminding me why I don’t have children,” she sighed and was amused as Laura gave her a knowing look.
          “What’s in the basket Pippi?” Steve asked as he strolled over and smiled at Gina inanely.
          “Muffins,” Gina replied sweetly. “But if you call me Pippi again I’ll insert one of the high fibre baked goods so far up your arse it’ll block that nose of yours."
          “Oh,” Steve giggled. “She’s feisty."
          “I’d pay to see you do that,” Mikey nodded and helped himself to a muffin from the basket.
          “How do you know I haven’t been practising already,” Gina countered with mock seriousness and walked off to place her basket on the table. Mikey stopped chewing and looked at Paul who feigned rubbing his arse and mouthed ‘ouch’ before he gingerly continued eating.

          A short while later Paul, Mikey and Steve were debating the best way to kill Ibis when Ted made his way over and stood there, hands on hips looking frustrated.
          “Problem mate?” Paul asked, feigning interest in whatever the problem was.
          “Are you any good with barbecues?” Ted sighed heavily and rubbed his temples.
          “Don’t look at me? Do I look like I barbecue on a regular basis?” Paul announced as Gina strolled past carrying a bowl of coleslaw.
          “He’s not allowed near open flames anyway,” she piped up and Paul turned to frown at her. She poked her tongue out and he felt the fluttering again.
          “Fine, anyone else?” Ted asked a tinge of annoyance in his voice.
          “Just because I’m fat you think I’m skilled in all means of food preparation,” Mikey huffed, crossed his arms and looked away.
          Paul sniggered and noticed Gina walking back past, he darted sideways and slapped her arse. Gina let out a squeak and shot him an amused look. Steve finding the whole thing hysterical started giggling as Ted turned on him.
          “Do you know how to light a barbecue?” Ted asked gruffly.
          “I haven’t got an excuse,” Steve replied through his laughing. “I’ll have a go."
          “Thank Christ for that,” Ted groused and marched back toward the barbecue.
          “Bastard,” Steve giggled at Paul before following Ted.
          “What did I do?” Paul smiled and sniggered into his beer. Mikey looked slightly bewildered and wished he was in on the joke. Feeling left out he decided to help himself to another muffin.

          “Bastard,” Gina sniggered, rubbing her bottom as she joined Laura and a couple of other women she didn’t know as they set the table.
          “Who’s a bastard?” Laura asked as she counted the forks.
          “Paul,” Gina replied still rubbing. “He just did some serious damage to my left buttock."
          Laura looked at her strangely. “Y’know I’ve seen him with a couple of women but he’s never been…” she paused a moment. “So, openly flirty and sweet with any of them. If anything he’s been a bit cold toward them. Well, in public anyway."
          “I agree,” piped up an older women who Gina assumed was Ted’s wife. “You make that boy do things we never thought possible."
          “It’s nauseating,” chimed in another voice who Gina assumed was Holly, Ted’s daughter. “You’re turning Paul into a SNAG it’s just not normal."
          “He slapped my arse. That’s hardly SNAG behaviour,” Gina countered. “Besides the man is untameable."
          The three women looked at each other knowingly and Gina pouted; she wasn’t sure if she liked being the top conversation topic amongst a group of people she didn’t know. In fact, she wondered if they got together and talked about her on a regular basis.
          “So, you gonna marry him?” Holly asked with a wry smile and Gina frowned.
          “What makes you think I’d EVER marry him?"
          “Must we reiterate?” Holly sighed. “He’s besotted, Paul is never besotted. Paul roots around, occasionally thinks he’s in love and then freaks out and ends the relationship before words like ‘commitment’ emerge."
          “And this is supposed to fill me with confidence why?"
          “Because he slapped you on the arse,” Laura chimed in.
          “Which means he’s not embarrassed about being seen with you. He’s not caring what everyone thinks. Since let’s face it we all thought he was insane to get messed up with a journalist,” Holly continued. “But he defied popular opinion that you were the devil incarnate."
          “That was Mikey,” Laura winced and busied herself with some potato salad.
          “I still don’t see what any of this has to do with marriage,” Gina shrugged starting to wonder what had happened to the sanity of the people she was with.
          “Right, I’ll simplify it shall I?” Holly declared and grabbed Gina by the shoulders, she turned her to look at Paul who looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights and then looked away. “He hasn’t taken his eyes off you the whole damn time you’ve been over here or anywhere else for that matter. In fact, he’s been so enthralled in watching you he’s barely even sipped his beer!"
          “My god,” the woman who was probably Ted’s wife gasped. “I’m expecting an invite to the wedding."
          Gina watched Paul a moment, pondered fleeing into a flowerbed that was over the other side of the park to escape these obviously mad people but decided that for Paul’s sake she’d remain like a normal human being, for a while anyway.

          After a charcoaled lunch where they spent more time swatting flies and pulling glad wrap over open bowls, the group moved on to after lunch activities. The women sat bitching about their men while the fitter men decided to play a game of cricket.
          “How’s your hayfever holding up?” Gina asked as she sat under a tree, leaning back against Paul.
          Paul sniffed and then sneezed in rapid succession. “Fabulously,” he groused before cheering himself up by nibbling her neck.
          “Do you know there is only one cubicle with a door left on it,” Laura declared as she appeared after a regrettable trip to the toilet. She plonked herself down on the grass beside them.
          “Wonder where the rest are?” Gina asked, vaguely amused by the idea of a bunch of kids steeling lavatory doors.
          “Why ruin a perfectly good afternoon by playing sport,” Mikey jeered sauntering over, he passed Paul a beer and sat himself on the grass near his girlfriend.
          “Wouldn’t catch me out there mate,” Paul agreed, cracking his beer open.
          “No one wants to see the fat man run,” Mikey sighed sipping his beer. Gina and Laura both rolled their eyes.
          “HEY FELLAS, COME ON!” yelled someone from Triple J who was bowling.
          “NO!” Paul and Mikey yelled back.
          “Ah don’t be lazy bastards, you can field, that doesn’t involve to much exertion,” someone else added.
          Paul and Mikey looked at each other and both gave low growls. They handed their barely touched beers to their girlfriends and stalked off to an area that was as far out as possible. Paul grew tired of watching the ‘no balls’ and ‘misses’ and various other cricketing terms he didn’t give a damn about and started people watching. There were a couple of older kids poking their younger brother with a stick, a couple who were kissing and fondling each other which he found disgusting in the presence of families. There’s a time and a place for everything, even he knew that. Then his eyes settled on the bloody ibises that were scavenging about the place, foraging on the discarded remains of picnics, barbecues and the biodegradable carrion of the human race.
          “Paul you fucker!” a voice yelled at he looked over at Mikey who was scowling.
          “What?” he asked bewildered.
          “You could have caught that."
          Paul looked over his shoulder at the ball that was only a few feet away. “Oops."
          “You could at least try McDermott,” someone else scowled and Paul contemplated attacking them with an ibis.
          After a further 20 minutes of poor bowling, lame ‘Hey, I wasn’t ready’ excuses and Paul making little effort to try and exert himself other than the one time where he got distracted and lobbed the ball at a seagull, the cricket players decided the game needed livening up.
          “Any of you ladies wanna play?” asked the guy from Triple J.
          “No,” Laura laughed, lighting a cigarette and assuming the man was mental.
          “I will!” Gina perked enthusiastically. She jumped to her feet and kicked her shoes off.
          “Ha, okay Pippi,” the man laughed and handed Gina the bat.

          “Hey, look,” Mikey declared slapping Paul’s arm. “Gina’s having a bat."
          “Oh right,” Paul said wanting nothing to do with her self humiliation. “Is it wrong to want to attack bird life with a tyre iron?"
          “What?"
          “Nevermind,” Paul sighed and focussed his attention back on Gina.

          “Should I bowl underarm for the little lady?” the guy from Triple J joked as Gina got to her crease. Steve was at the other end looking puffed but amused.
          “I think I can handle you bowling normally tweeser dick,” Gina sneered as she dug the corner of the back into the grass. The now smug bloke started his short run up and bowled and with one sweep of the bat Gina hit it for six.
          “Yes!” Steve cheered as they started running.
          “Fuck me,” Paul gasped. “I didn’t know she could do that."
          “Ah, I threw it soft,” the less smug bloke huffed and took another run up. Gina belted it again this time it went in Paul’s direction. He lamely lifted one hand in the air.
          “Oh missed it,” he mused and watched as it narrowly missed an old lady and her poodle.
          “Was that one easy too?” Gina asked panting as Steve got ready to take the next shot. The guy from Triple J sneered at her and got ready to bowl at Steve. It was at least 45 minutes later when Gina and Steve retired with an unbeatable score and a glowing sense of achievement at their win in park cricket.
          “Who’s batting now then?” someone asked and the Triple J guy quickly grabbed a bat.
          “I think one of our lazy fielders should bat,” Ted piped up and Paul and Mikey looked at each other.
          “Go on Paul, see if you can do better than your girlfriend,” Mikey cackled. Paul gave him the finger and reluctantly took the other bat.
          “Who’s bowling then?"
          “I will!” Gina perked and took the ball eagerly. She looked down the pitch at Paul who was looking a little sunburnt and he looked back at her now dishevelled look, her plaits coming loose and her cheeks pink. “You ready?"
          “Yeah, come on, do yer worst,” Paul teased, puffing out his chest.
          Gina grinned mischievously, took a short run up and then released the ball. It passed right past Paul, smacked into the stumps and caused the bails to fall to the ground.
          “HE’S OUT!” Mikey yelled. “For a duck,” and everyone started quacking.
          Paul dropped his bat in a fake strop. “I wasn’t ready, that’s not fair!"
          “Stop whining just because you were beaten by a girl,” Steve jeered as everyone continued to chuckle.
          “Fine then,” Paul breathed, narrowing his eyes and looking at Gina. “You die!” he added pointing.
          “Oh crap,” Gina giggled and took off toward the flowerbed she’d noticed earlier. However, the challenge of running in a skirt proved too much and Paul caught her quickly.
          “You’re enjoying my ritual humiliation aren’t ya?” he announced, trying be stern but failing miserably as his arms wrapped tightly around her waist.
          “Totally,” Gina giggled and then squealed when he leaned back just enough so her feet were off the ground. She squirmed in his arms and then let out a yell. “Look, ibis!"
          “Where?” Paul gasped, looking around for the horrid creatures and Gina took her chance and fled back towards the cricket game. “WENCH!” he screamed and raced after her.

          “Could they be any cuter?” Laura laughed as Gina and Paul started chasing each other around a tree.
          “I’ve never seen this side of him,” the woman who was sure to be Ted’s wife mused.
          “I am so jealous,” Holly sighed. “I wish someone loved me enough to chase me around a park."
          “I’ll chase you,” leered one of the cricket players.
          “And as soon as I’m that desperate you can,” Holly sneered and lobbed the remainder of her muffin at him.

          “Get away from me,” Gina yelped, darting clockwise around a large fig tree.
          “No, I need to inflict pain on you,” Paul puffed going anti-clockwise.
          Gina gave up and let him catch her, the stitch in her side throbbing. Between panting and laughing Paul pushed her up against the trunk of the tree, his hands firmly on her waist.
          “That was so much fun,” Gina cooed and brought her hands to his face to wipe the beads of sweat that were dripping off it.
          “Where the fuck did you learn to play cricket?” Paul breathed, pressing his body against hers as they stayed shielded from the others by the tree.
          “My Dad was a bit of a player in his time,” Gina grinned.
          “So you were a bit of a backyard cricket queen huh?"
          “That and I’m hyper-competitive."
          “And a terrible loser."
          “And you’re gracious in defeat?"
          “Hell no,” Paul smirked. “Remember why we don’t play Monopoly?"
          “We said we’d never talk about that,” Gina chided, kissing away a bead of sweat on his cheek.
          “You know while I’m highly disturbed by the fact you actually have a penchant for the great outdoors, which I might add, we will be having a talk about at some later date,” Paul smiled flirtatiously. “I still find you extremely sexy Miss Coleman."
          “Why thankyou Mr McDermott,” Gina teased, bringing her lips close to his. “I kinda like it when you’re sweaty."
          Paul let out something resembling the whine of a small dog and pressed her firmly against the trunk of the fig tree as they shared a heated kiss. It didn’t take long before his hands were crawling up her back and one of hers had dropped to his rear. It took only a few seconds more before they heard a cry of ‘SAY CHEESE’ and were greeted by the click and whirr of a camera.
          “What the fuck?” Paul gasped and saw everyone standing there surrounding them. with Mikey at the front of the group waving a camera about.
          “Oh the humiliation,” Gina groaned and buried her face in Paul’s shoulder. Paul pulled away, snatched the cricket bat from the guy from Triple J and glared at Mikey. “Better start moving that flabby arse of yours Robins,” he sneered and stormed toward Mikey flailing the bat about. Mikey’s smile fell and he hid behind Laura.

          The sun was low over the horizon and turning the sky a deep orange by the time Gina and Paul walked arm and arm back toward Gina’s car. Paul swung the empty muffin basket around keeping an eye out for stray ibis as they walked along the path slowly.
          “Did you have a good day?” he asked, sounding thoroughly relaxed.
          “I had a fantastic day,” Gina replied. “Even the embarrassing bits and the frequent conversations with your fanclub."
          “Fanclub?"
          “Yeah, the women,” Gina chided. “Apparently you treat me in a way they’ve never seen before, better than your other girlfriends."
          Paul looked at her out of the corner of his eye, a smile creeping onto his lips. “You do strange things to me Genie."
          “Like?"
          “Force me to ravish you in public,” Paul enthused and pulled her into a kiss as if to prove the point.
          “I tell ya we can’t get home fast enough,” Gina giggled and then caught sight of something out of the corner of her eye. “IBIS!"
          Paul scowled at the bird that was still loitering near the water and jokingly kicked a discarded coke can in its direction. The can hurtled toward the bird and smacked it in the head. “Oh shit,” Paul peeped as the bird wobbled precariously. He grabbed Gina’s hand and they ran the rest of the way to the car.
          “Do you think I killed it?” he asked as Gina unlocked her car.
          “Be funny if you did,” Gina mused. “I can see the headline now, ‘Comedian Kills Native Bird in Coke Fuelled Frenzy.’“
          “Yeah, the Good News Week writers would just love that,” he groused sliding into the passenger seat.
          “That’d be so cool,” Gina enthused. “You could read one of my articles then."
          “And mock you relentlessly,” Paul countered, looking at his reflection in the wing mirror. “Man, I got burnt."
          “I know, you’re so red it’s like you’ve been drinking scotch,” Gina agreed.
          “Hmm now there’s an idea,” Paul sighed. “Maybe I’ll have a night out with the boys."
          “So long as I don’t have to hang with the girls I don’t care. I really don’t need to be asked ‘so when are you getting married’ another ten million times."
          “You could do something with Amanda."
          “No, she’ll just want to talk about you too. That’s all my girlfriends want to talk about is you. I love you but surely there are other things in the world to discuss."
          “Yeah, sorry, people get like that,” Paul soothed and squeezed her knee affectionately. “What about Dan?"
          “He’s dating the pert girl,” Gina huffed. “No, I’ll just watch Dirty Dancing and eat TimTams."
          “You’re such a party animal,” Paul teased. “I’ll go for a night of hard drinking and you can drink chocolate milk."
          “You’d rather I was getting smashed with you?” Gina asked slightly taken aback.
          “Nah, I love you just the way you are,” Paul smiled and squeezed her knee again. “Anal, hyper-competitive and strangely erotic with braided hair."
          “Thanks hon,” Gina jeered glancing over at his cheeky grin.

          Gina was pleased when she finally parked in the apartment parking lot and they headed up the stairs to her apartment. She wanted a nice hot bath, preferably with Paul and with any luck an evening of love making should he be persuaded not to go drinking. As they approached the door Gina froze, Paul stopped as well.
          “Oh great,” Gina mumbled and marched over to where Abbie was sitting on the step, a large bag at her side. “What are you doing here?"
          “Hi Abs, nice to see you Abs,” Abbie groused getting to her feet. “Thought I’d have a surprise visit."
          “I hate surprises,” Gina huffed and Paul, sensing trouble, wrapped an arm around her waist.
          “I’m gonna go home,” he announced and kissed the side of her head. “Call me,” he added and headed off to find a bus/taxi/skateboard.
          “Well aren’t you just a little happy to see me?” Abbie pouted.
          “Oh yeah Abs, just thrilled,” Gina sneered as she unlocked the door. “Couldn’t be fucking happier.”