"No, don't worry, I just won't eat for the next two months," Gina hissed as she stormed off toward her newly repaired car with a receipt for $500 for repairs she wasn't entirely sure were kosher. She unlocked the door, fell into the driver's seat and took several deep breaths. It probably wasn't a good idea to rush to the airport while wanting to eviscerate something. But the image of her mother being dragged to lost property by a burly airport security guard and the yelling that would likely follow was more than enough to make her turn the key and steer the dilapidated car out of the parking lot.
Twenty minutes later Gina found herself stuck in the Saturday morning traffic behind a caravan and was contemplating jumping off the next bridge she came to. Her thoughts had fallen to her mother being given to some perky Japanese tourists when her phone rang and she grabbed it.
"Oh please don't let it be Mum," she breathed. "Hello?"
"Honey, what the hell happened to you last night?"
"Oh Mandy thank Christ."
"You were expecting someone else?"
"Only my Mother who I left waiting at the airport."
"How on earth did you manage that?"
"It ties into why I hung up so abruptly last night…"
"Your cold got suddenly worse? But you sound fine now."
"Are you honestly that stupid?"
The line went quiet a moment as Gina edged her car forward a little. "Oh my god you were having sex!"
"Ten points for aural observation."
"Hold on…Who the hell were you having sex with?"
"Do you even need to ask?"
"Chris?"
"Paul!"
"Bonus!"
"Amanda!"
"What? I like Paul and I'd rather think of him taking a trip to Tassie than Chris."
"That was nothing compared to when I visited Mount Paul."
"That's right, make me jealous why don't you. The best I've got is junior latched onto a rather painfully cracked nipple."
"And your child?"
"Oh go pick up your Mother and I hope she gives you hell!"
"I'll call!" Gina giggled as she ended the call and dropped her phone onto the passenger seat.
It was a further 45 minutes later when Gina dashed through the electronic doors at airport and nearly got wiped out by a large English family with a suitcase laden trolley.
"Christ," she gasped avoiding a confrontation and looking anxiously for her mother. Gina noticed her a few feet away slumped in a grey airport chair, a duty free bag at her side. "Mum!"
"Where the hell have you been!" Sandra scorned, getting to her feet.
"I'm so, so sorry," Gina babbled, quickly wrapping her mother up in a hug. "I had to pick my car up and traffic was bad."
"You could have called," Sandra huffed as she grabbed her duty free bag.
"Is your phone on?"
"No."
"Then who was I supposed to call?" Gina exclaimed and motioned to a woman just behind them, "That woman in the purple halter top?" The woman in the purple halter top glared at Gina. "No offence."
"Well if you're going to be in this mood I'll go home," Sandra hissed. "And keep your voice down."
"I don't want you to go home," Gina sighed, grabbing her Mother's suitcase. "Dad would never forgive me."
"I'm not above slapping you," Sandra jeered as Gina smiled back cheekily. They walked out of the terminal and back to Gina's car, which she realised, was parked terribly. "New shirt?"
"What?" Gina mused as she put her Mother's case in the trunk and then looked down at her t-shirt. "Oh shit!" she gasped, realising that in her haste she'd pulled on Paul's bright red 'Pervert' t-shirt instead of one of her own.
"I like the colour," Sandra smiled.
"Thanks but it's not mine," Gina blustered. Sandra looked at her daughter and cocked her head to the side. "It's Paul's."
"I might have guessed with that written on it," Sandra sighed. "I thought he was a right shit?"
"He was until he begged me to take him back. He looked so cute and pathetic and I gave in," Gina pouted. "Does that make me shallow?"
"Yes," Sandra replied stoically as Gina unlocked the passenger side door.
"Yeah, don't hold back there ma," Gina chided as she sauntered around to the driver's side.
By the time she finally got home again Gina was tired, hungry and slightly embarrassed that her mother knew she'd been boffing Paul senseless in the last 24 hours. She unlocked the door to her apartment and dropped her Mother's suitcase just inside as Paul appeared from the kitchen dressed in his jeans and her figure hugging 'Sex Kitten' t-shirt.
"I'm worried that looks better on you than me," Gina mused.
"I like the pink glittery writing," Paul smiled. "Hi Mum!" he added and bounded over to give Sandra a hug.
"I wouldn't bother," Sandra warned and Paul stopped mid bound and looked at her curiously. "You hurt my daughter again and I will hurt you."
"We made up," Paul pouted. "I…we…we love each other, she loves me, I love her, we're happy…" He looked at Gina for help and she looked away trying not to giggle.
"I'm serious, I will," Sandra said blankly.
"I don't doubt it," Paul nodded. "And I know which bits you'll hurt too."
"Oh give him a break Mum," Gina piped up after watching him stew for several seconds. "He's more than made it up to me."
"Yeah, no need for the brutality Mum," Paul whined and wrapped his arms around Gina.
"Besides he totally at my…" Gina paused as Sandra started to giggle. "I have no idea what he's doing but I'll break his fun hand in a moment."
"Nice to see the violent tendencies are genetic," Paul muttered.
"Go settle in and I'll make some tea," Gina mused shoving Paul toward the kitchen. "And rescue my shirt from Paul before he stretches it."
"My pecks are nothing in comparison to your tits!" Paul retorted.
"Am I in the same room as before?" Sandra laughed, shaking her head.
"Yes," Gina called back. "There isn't another room you mad woman," she added quietly to herself.
"I said tits in front of your Mum!" Paul gasped, blushing ever so slightly.
"She thought it was funny," Gina shrugged. "Now can I have my shirt back?"
"That's not the point," Paul huffed. "But I like it. Can I keep it?"
"No," Gina giggled as she pulled the 'Pervert' t-shirt off and held it out to him. Paul sighed and removed her t-shirt and they stood there looking at each other's bare torsos for a moment. "Wow, your shirt really is accurate."
"Huh? No, it's just male nature to look at lace covered breasts," Paul shrugged.
"Shall I get them out for you?" Gina teased.
"No!" Paul almost shrieked. "As tempting as that is your Mother is in the other room."
"So?"
"So? It's your Mother."
"And this prevents you groping me why?"
"Gee I don't know, she might walk in."
"Babe, she's seen you fuck Tim Ferguson's arm and talk about sticking your penis in a tub of yoghurt. I hardly think us having a quick snog is going to traumatise her for life," Gina laughed, snatching her shirt from him.
"Gina do you have any…" Sandra was cut off as Paul screeched and covered his nipples.
"Excuse him, he's mental," Gina sarced as she pulled her shirt on.
"You could have knocked," Paul scorned quickly pulling on his t-shirt. "I could have been naked or something?"
"In the kitchen?" Sandra blinked as Gina wandered over to fill the kettle.
"Yes," Paul declared unconvincingly. "Some people disrobe in the bedroom, I like to do it in the kitchen near the fridge." Sandra started giggling and he realised she was laughing at Gina. Paul's face fell serious and he started toying with his fingers, "I don't know what she's doing but I'll do something disgusting into her supply of chocolate milk if she doesn't stop."
"You wouldn't dare," Gina challenged narrowing her eyes. Paul looked over his shoulder and grinned mischievously. "Ok, so maybe you would."
A couple of hours later when Paul had left citing that he had to do 'stuff' as an excuse Gina took her mother into the heart of the city to go shopping. Sandra managed to whine about everything as they hunted for a parking spot. The roads were too busy. It looked crowded. There were clouds in the sky and Gina couldn't help but dwell on what might have been. Visions of naked flesh, the contents of her fridge and the kitchen floor invaded her psyche and it took all her will power to hold them back.
A short while later they were looking at teddy bear ornaments in the $2 Shop and Gina felt compelled to reach for a $2 cake tin and smack herself over the head with it.
"Which one do you like best?" Sandra asked, holding up two nauseating ornaments and eagerly awaiting an answer.
"Oh they're only $2 get them both," Gina replied, trying to refrain from sighing.
"I suppose…" Sandra breathed and slowly moved her attention to some oven mitts. "These are nice."
"Yeah, fantastic," Gina nodded, looking vainly at the exit. A few minutes later they wandered further up the mall stopping to check out the various sales racks.
"How's work?" Sandra asked.
"Hell," Gina replied. "If it wasn't for Dan and Mandy I'd go insane."
"Did you hear about that woman who skinned her husband?"
"Mum, I'm a journalist remember?"
"Well, I didn't know."
"I hear about everything from battles in Mozambique to women named Martha turning 409."
"She boiled his head and was going to feed it to his children," Sandra continued. Gina looked at her mother pained and wondered why mothers had an inability to understand the easiest of things.
"She worked at an abattoir you know, kept her knives hung over the marital bed. You think that would have told her husband something would you?" Gina countered.
"Perhaps he enjoyed it," Sandra mused. "Do you think Paul would like this?" she added holding up a tiny sheer nightie.
"Nah, he doesn't have the legs," Gina jeered. "Why? Not planning on wearing it for him are you?"
"I was thinking more for you," Sandra sighed.
"I don't know that I'm comfortable with you finding me raunchy things to wear for him," Gina mused. "Besides he prefers like black, lacy underwear."
"That doesn't surprise me," Sandra chided. "He's a pervert."
"I can't believe I just told you that," Gina blushed her hands covering her mouth. "The shame."
"What about this then?" Sandra asked holding up a lacy black underwear set.
"Mum!" Gina squealed her cheeks burning.
"I alone am the one you don't know you need. Take heed feed your ego. Make me blind when you eyes close. Sink when you get close. Tie me to the bedpost," Paul sang loudly as he cranked his stereo up another notch and paused from painting to do a bit of head banging only to straighten up and find the room was spinning. He shook his head and took to screaming along with the music. "I would swallow my pride. I would choke on the rinds. But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. I would swallow my doubt. Turn it inside out. Find nothing but faith in nothing. Want to put my tender. Heart in a blender. Watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion. Rendezvous. Then I'm through with you."
"MCDERMOTT!"
Paul stopped and listened as he turned the music down.
"MCDERMOTT!"
"COMING!" he yelled back and dashed over to open the door. He pulled it open to reveal Mikey looking amused.
"Is there a reason you're attempting to deafen the entire neighbourhood?" he asked as Paul moved aside to let him in.
"What?"
"The music, is there a reason you're playing it so loud?"
"What?" Paul asked again this time cupping his hand around his ear and smiling.
"You're a hairy little bondage dwarf."
"This from a man in flannelette," Paul countered and motioned to Mikey's shirt.
"When you’re my size you take what fits."
"I guess flannelette is cheaper than an elephant carcass hey?"
"Better than looking like regurgitated curry on a flicarti rug."
Paul faked offence by gasping loudly and covering his mouth with one hand while the other flailed about in some odd attempt to hold Mikey back.
"You're in an exceptionally good mood little fella, any reason why?" Mikey asked, taking a seat on the couch as Paul grinned and nipped off into the kitchen to grab them both beers.
"Genie and I made up last night," he perked, dropping onto the couch beside Mikey.
"Aw, a whole three seconds of passion, how nice."
"It was more than that mate," Paul mused, taking a sip of his beer.
"So why are you home if she's giving 'Little Paul' the full Olympic work out?"
"Because her Mother has come to stay," Paul sighed. "Don't get me wrong. I love Sandra, she's a lovely woman but there's something about your partner's mother that makes your libido hide under a rock."
"I think it’s a subconscious thing," Mikey agreed. "Once you've seen her mum you know what she's gonna look like at that age."
Paul shuddered, "Oh don't say that mate."
"Well think of it this way, by the time she's that age you'll have severe dementia and will be wearing a man nappy."
"Thanks," Paul groused and then jumped up from the couch. "You do realise all I can think of now is her mother in spandex?"
"Ew, you dirty bastard."
"You started it!"
"I never mentioned spandex."
"You were the one that said she was gonna turn into her mother."
"It's not my fault your perverse mind has turned a simple fact into some bad d-grade 'older lady' porn!"
Paul let out a revolted groan. "You know I can't handle old people having sex, it's disgusting and wrong and oh Jesus now I'm thinking of my parents doing it!"
"Boy you have some problems," Mikey chided.
"I know, I'll never be able to have sex again," Paul pouted.
"I'm exhausted," Sandra declared as Gina passed her a steaming mug of tea back at the apartment.
"This from the woman who dragged through every sale imaginable," Gina jeered. "I mean really, why would a discount store have a sale?"
"Hey, I picked you up that nice glass bowl," Sandra countered.
"Yeah and should I ever find an occasion to use it I'll think of you," Gina mused.
"Don't get cheeky," Sandra chided. "So, what's for dinner?"
Gina looked blankly at her Mother. "I haven't even thought about. I didn't take anything out."
Sandra rolled her eyes. "Do you want me to make something?"
"Oh well, if you're offering…"
"Is Paul coming?"
Gina bit her lip to stop from sniggering, "I don't know, I'll give him a call." She placed her mug on the coffee table and escaped into her bedroom. Gina hunted her cell phone from her bag and lay back on her bed as she let it ring.
"Hello, this is the horny midget's phone. He's too busy going for it with futon to talk right now."
"Mikey?"
"Inga? How did you find me?"
"Just put the horny midget on." Gina listened as Mikey said something incomprehensible and handed over the phone.
"Hello my sexy little journalist!"
"And how much have we been drinking?"
"I had to babe I was thinking of your mum in spandex."
"What? No, on second thoughts don't tell me," Gina laughed. "So, Whatcha doing other than seeing who can burst their liver first with Mikey?"
"Why? You wanna do something?"
"Well yes but I don't think my mother wants to bear witness to it," Gina chided. "Mum wanted to know if you'd join us for dinner."
"Are you sure that's all it is?"
"Well that and if I have to have one more conversation about my brother's new girlfriend I think I'll gag."
"Oh so you want me for a conversation piece?"
"No, of course not hon," Gina mused. "I want something pretty to look at."
"Well, if you want me there you're gonna have to pick me up."
"That shouldn't be hard," Mikey piped up. "Just flutter your eyelashes."
"Get fucked," Paul scorned. "Not you," he added quickly.
"Well, I'll leave now," Gina declared grabbing her keys. "So you better be ready when I get there."
"You have to leave now," Paul announced looking at Mikey beside him on the couch.
"Can I take my beer?" Mikey pouted.
"No," Paul said blankly and then smiled. "Ahh go on then."
"Thanks baby," Mikey winked and waved as he plodded out of the door.
"I'll be there soon ok," Gina mused.
"Oh the anticipation," Paul chided as Gina ended the call.
"I'm going to pick Paul up Ma, be back soon," she called as she headed toward the door.
It wasn't long until Gina found herself eagerly knocking on Paul's door. She couldn't help but smile, she'd missed him and it felt nice to have the excitable butterflies in her stomach again.
"My, the Avon lady has improved," Paul grinned opening the door and leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed.
"You should see where I keep the cosmetics," Gina breathed, stepping forward and pinning him to the wall, as the door slammed shut. "You stink like a brewery," she added before bringing her lips lustfully to his.
"How about we just blow off dinner and make up some more?" Paul suggested as he stroked her hair.
"Oh," Gina almost cried. "Don't put ideas in my head."
"Ideas huh?" Paul mused kissing her slowly. "Like making love to you right here?"
"Yeah, that would be one?" Gina swallowed as his lips moved to her neck.
"What about me covering you in chocolate sauce and licking it off?"
"Wouldn’t that spoil your appetite for dinner?" Gina gasped as she wrapped one leg around his hip and let her fingers tangle in his dark hair.
"How about me kissing every inch of your bare flesh," Paul panted, bringing his lips back to hers.
"Oh just shut up," Gina breathed, unclipping his belt in one swift movement.
Sandra sighed as she leaned back against the kitchen counter with a mug of tea. The chicken salad that had taken ten minutes to prepare had been sitting on the table for an hour and half. She was about to give up on waiting when she heard the door open and hushed giggling voices from the hall.
"Where the hell have to you two been?" she declared, marching into the living room where Paul and Gina were mid pash.
"You’d be surprised how busy the roads were," Gina blushed.
"And that accident really held us up," Paul nodded. "Big accident, lots of carnage."
"They had to call in the Jaws of Life."
"There was bits of twisted metal and rubber everywhere."
"And foam from when the fire brigade were called in."
"And Genie thought she better act as an 'on the scene' reporter hey?"
"What? Yes, I had to do my duty as a journalist, that's right, I did, yep."
"Are you done?" Sandra asked, looking at them both unconvinced.
"Yeah," Gina and Paul nodded together.
"I'm not stupid. I know you two were having sex," Sandra mused. "The least you could have done was call and let me know you'd be late," she added disappearing into the kitchen.
"Oh shame," Gina gasped, burying her face into Paul's shoulder.
"Come on I'm starving," Sandra called from the table.
Paul and Gina looked at each other and then hesitantly walked toward the kitchen.
Halfway through dinner it was so quiet you could hear the clock tick and the forks clinking against the plates.
"Thanks for dinner Mum," Gina eventually piped up.
"Not a problem," Sandra smiled. "Have you two lost the ability to talk or something?"
"We're a bit shagged out," Gina chided, causing Paul to nearly choke on a piece of chicken.
"I don't want to know," Sandra laughed. "So Paul, how was your day?"
"I drank beer," Paul replied blankly.
"What a big superstar life you lead babe," Gina giggled.
"Well if you want implicit detail I drank beer, painted, listened to music, drank more beer, Mikey turned up…"
"And you drank more beer?"
"Oh and you were more productive?" Paul chided. "You shopped right? Bought a pile of things you didn't need?"
"I bought you a present," Gina said in an attempt to defend her actions.
"A present? You've never bought me a present before? Apart from booze, is it more booze?" Paul perked.
"You'll have to wait and see," Gina teased.
"Oh not that present," Sandra said coyly.
"What? No, no not THAT present, the other one," Gina laughed.
"I get two presents?" Paul asked confused.
"I'm not saying a word," Sandra mused as Paul looked at them both suspiciously.
"I have a fear I'm going to wake up with my butt waxed and an inflatable man doll."
"No I'm saving that for our wedding night," Gina teased then realised what she said and wished she hadn't said it. "Don't even think it," she quickly said to her Mother.
"Wedding night? Huh?" Paul said clicking his tongue.
"Figure of speech," Gina winced.
"I'd be a terrible husband," he sighed.
"You're a terrible boyfriend but I still love you," Gina smiled.
Paul grinned and cocked his head to the side. "No offence Ma but I wish you weren't here."
"I can tell," Sandra sighed. "You're pathetic the pair of you," she added.
"Well you kept asking when I was gonna find someone," Gina shrugged.
"I know, I wasn't expecting him though," Sandra countered.
"What's wrong with me?" Paul pouted.
Gina and Sandra looked at each other and sniggered. "Nothing hon."
"No, really? If your mother doesn't like me I think I have the right to know."
"Mum likes you," Gina cooed getting to her feet and carrying her dish to the sink. "Don't you?" she added.
"Of course I do, you’d know if I didn't," Sandra gushed.
"I think there's a fine line," Paul chided as Gina wrapped her arms around his neck. "You're not worried about me scaring the rellies or anything?"
"The only thing I'm worried about is you hurting my daughter," Sandra replied sternly.
"I would never hurt Genie, again," he gasped. "I fear for the safety of my testicles if I did."
"Hey, gimmie a sec and I'll organise your present," Gina piped up, brushed her lips against his cheek and disappeared out of the kitchen.
"I thought she wasn't going to do that present," Sandra muttered.
"So, I'm guessing you’re the one she gets her promiscuity from," Paul mused cheekily. "I bet you were a vixen in your day huh?"
"Nope," Sandra smiled. "That's something Gina did all by herself." Paul cracked up laughing and Gina returned looking at them both suspiciously.
"I don't want to know what happened while I was gone," she said curiously. "Come on if you want your present," she added.
Paul got to his feet and looked at Sandra. "I promise you I'll never hurt your daughter, partly because I fear her but mostly because I love her," he winked and followed Gina to her room.
Gina closed the door behind them and grabbed a bag from the bed. "It's not very exciting really, but I saw it and thought of you."
"Thanks," Paul nodded as he took the bag and opened it. Inside was a horrendous paisley shirt of various pastel colours. "That's wild!"
"Yeah? You're not just saying that to make me feel better?" Gina winced.
"No, I love it," Paul perked. "You know my taste already."
"Actually I thought it was awful and no normal human would wear it," she giggled.
Paul sniggered. "I really should take that as an insult."
"But?"
"I still can't get what we did back at my place out of my mind," he smiled and stepped forward to pull her into his arms. "Thank you again for the present."
"There's more," Gina whispered and grabbed his hands placing them on the hem of her shirt. "Care to open part two?"
"Oh baby," Paul breathed.