"Should we have followed Jools?" Ross asked as he kept an eye on the door of the club in an attempt to avoid any further interruptions by fans.
          "Nah, she's drunk and obnoxious, best leave her be," Kirsty replied.
          "Fair enough," Ross nodded. "So, what do you want to do?"
          "Well I should be catching the bus home but I'm sure I could stretch to a drink somewhere."
          "Alcoholic or non-alcoholic?"
          "Non-alcoholic, I don't drink."
          "Really?"
          "Yeah, don't hold it against me."
          "Trust me, it’s the last thing I'd hold against you."
          "I'm not touching that."
          "That wasn't what I was going to hold against you."
          Kirsty broke into a smile and looked away, when she looked back Ross was smiling too.
          "So do you have a preference?" he asked.
          "I like to be on top," Kirsty announced deadpan.
          Ross cracked up. "You are a smutty, smutty girl."
          "Are we going for drinks or not?" Kirsty laughed.
          "Oh it’s drinks now?"
          "Well, we each have to buy a round."
          "Aren’t you just - ethical," Ross declared as he put his arm around her shoulders.
          "Ethical?" Kirsty mused, her arm sliding around his back as they started to walk.
          "I wanted to be witty but it didn't happen."
          "Obviously, that was incredibly piss weak, you need a new writer."
          "But I write all my material."
          "My point exactly."
          "Well if you're going to be rude, I'll just go home," Ross declared, moved his arm and turned to head in the opposite direction.
          "Don't be such an idiot," Kirsty laughed, grabbed his arm and pulled him back.
          "I'm feeling infinitesimal and abused," Ross declared as he pouted.
          "But you look hot," Kirsty said, patting his cheek, "and that's what's important."
          "Oh great, you just want me for my body now," Ross sarced and threw his arms in the air.
          "That's all there is, man," Kirsty cackled, Ross smiled wryly and raised his eyebrow.
          "Oh I hope you can run fast."
          "Why?"
          Ross gave her a wicked smile and Kirsty let out an "Oh shit" before dashing off in the direction of the café.

          Liam finished the rest of his beer and looked over at Julia who was trying not to doze off.
          "I suppose we'll have to get you home huh?" he announced as Julia's head just dropped some more. Liam grabbed her bag from the table and found instantly what he was looking for, a bus timetable. He checked the number of the bus and when the next one was due, before helping Julia to her feet and guiding her out of the pub. They uncomfortably staggered to the bus stop where Julia flumped on an empty bench and Liam checked the time again. He was pleased to see the bus hiss to a stop several minutes after and helped Julia onto it. He validated both their tickets and sunk into the seat opposite her.
          "What are you doing?" Julia asked sleepily.
          "Making sure you get home safely," Liam replied. "Somehow I think you might just end up sleeping on the loop if I don't."
          "Aren’t you a sweetie," Julia mumbled as she leant her head against the window, her eyes heavy.
          "No, I just have morals," Liam countered. "Like never letting a near comatose woman find her own way home."
          Julia's only response was the outbreak of soft snoring, which Liam just shook his head at and focussed his attention out of the window.

          Penny and Chris sat on the floor, a near empty pizza box sat on one side of the coffee table, along with two half empty glasses of wine. The rest of the table was littered with scribbled notes and calculations.
          "Maybe we should have divided?" Penny declared.
          "No, we tried that," Chris sighed, grabbing his glass and sipping some of the wine.
          "God this is so fucked up," Penny scowled and leaned her head back on the couch. She stared at the roof a moment as she tried to clear the calculations that were racing around her mind.
          "I think my brain has had it for the night."
          "I'm getting a headache."
          "Want the last bit of pizza?" Chris asked as he picked up the last slice.
          "I'm full," Penny declared as she lifted her head and dropped a hand onto her stomach to emphasize the point.
          "Ah go on, you know you want to," Chris teased and waved the slice of pizza in front of Penny's mouth, she giggled and then took a bite out of it. "Mmm feisty."
          "No more now," Penny said through her mouth full and grabbed her glass of wine to wash it down.
          "So, what are we going to do now?" Chris asked as he dropped the remainder of the slice back in the box.
          "Plot a foolproof method to take over Japan," Penny shrugged.
          "What so we could have a unlimited supply of tamaghotchis?" "You got a better idea? Starting a dictatorship maybe?"
          Chris gave Penny a wry smile. "How about…" he said looking at the roof, "we do something a bit more naughty?"
          Penny looked at him curiously and felt her heart rate increase tenfold as his hand reached over to caress her cheek. She instinctively leaned forward as his lips hungrily attacked hers. Penny slid her hands into his hair and kissed him back fervently.
          "You taste like anchovies," she murmured against his lips.
          "Want me to clean my teeth?" he panted back.
          "I can live with the anchovies," Penny breathed as they fell into another kiss, her hands moving from his hair to groping his toned chest.

          "Did you see the look that old guy gave us?" Kirsty mused as she sipped the steaming cup of tea in front of her.
          "I know, you think he'd never seen a gorgeous woman pinned to a wall and being tickled before," Ross nodded as his moved closer to her in the booth in the dimly lit café.
          "Gorgeous woman hey?"
          "Well, gorgeous with a filthy mouth."
          "You deserved everything I called you."
          "Even the impotent little anti-feminist?"
          "Even the impotent little anti-feminist."
          "And I suppose you carry a dog eared copy of Germaine Greer's The Female Eunuch with you huh?"
          "It’s right next to the lip gloss and condoms."
          "See now I know you're lying, you don't wear lip gloss."
          "How would you know?"
          "I would have tasted it on your lips."
          "Maybe you weren't trying hard enough," Kirsty cooed and brushed her lips against his.
          "I hate people that kiss in cafés," Ross breathed.
          "Me too, time and place for everything," Kirsty added as they fell into another heated kissing session.

          Julia opened an eye and looked at the clock. She saw it read 8am and pulled the quilt back over her head and tried to sleep some more but failed miserably and decided to have a shower instead. She didn't have a headache but she did have that feeling of ickiness and a lethargy she knew would last the rest of the day, even if she took an afternoon nap. Julia dried herself off and went to put the towel back on the rack but it slid off and crumpled on the floor. She grunted, shrugged and was going to leave it there when she heard Kirsty's voice from the other side of the door.
          "You'd better not leave that towel on the floor."
          "How does she do that?" Julia grumbled as she inched her way down to pick up the towel and hang it properly. She wandered into the kitchen and flumped into a chair.
          "What are you having for breakfast?" Kirsty asked as she flitted around the kitchen.
          "What have we got?"
          "Toast or cereal."
          "Can I have Macca's?"
          "Toast it is," Kirsty announced as she plonked a plate of buttered toast down in front of Julia.
          "I am so happy!" Penny sang as she burst into the room.
          "Does she have a key?" Julia asked.
          "Dunno, I've never given her one," Kirsty shrugged as Penny put some bread in the toaster and made herself comfortable while it cooked.
          "I had the most fantastic night last night…We finally worked out the glitch in the rocket that caused it to kill the sheep and I realised all along that I should have divided the molecular equation instead of multiplied it by 74 to the third power."
          "Whatever floats your boat, babe," Julia grumbled, lifting her head off the table and looking at Penny.
          "And once that was finished we made out like teenagers until I dragged myself away from his incredibly toned body and got him to drive me home…He's fixing my car for me. Can't wait to see him all greased up." Penny had a goofy grin on her face and it was obvious she was off in a world of her own. Julia and Kirsty looked at each other and sighed.
          "So I take it you and Rossyboy took my advice and started making out in a café booth?" Julia asked.
          "Café booth, alleyway, street, bus stop. I was quite upset when the bus came"
          "My life is shit," Julia whinged as she picked up her toast, went out into the front garden and sat on the lawn to finish her breakfast. Her chocolate coloured cat TimTam appeared from nowhere and sat next to her, demanding to be fed some toast. Julia didn't feel like eating it herself so she started breaking it into pieces and feeding them to the cat.
          "You'd better not be feeding that toast to the cat," Kirsty yelled from the front door.
          "How does she do that?" Julia asked TimTam. He purred and nudged the plate, ready for the next bit of toast.

          "I couldn't believe the size of his house," Penny gushed. "He's even got two bathrooms."
          "I couldn't believe how funny he was last night. I thought he'd be funny but not piss funny," Kirsty raved.
          "His dog scared the shit outta me though. It's an Irish Wolfhound called Bear. He's bigger than you."
          "I was so glad Jools left us last night…He tickled me 'til I screamed like a banshee."
          "I couldn't keep my hands off his body."
          "You wouldn't believe the size of his…"
          "KIRSTY!" Penny shrieked, cutting her off.
          "What? Let me finish will you…Ego, you dirty, dirty girl." Kirsty shook her head.
          "You are so full of shit," Penny giggled.
          "Actually I'm full of bones and muscles and mucus and bile and…"
          "Yes I get the picture."
          "Blood and skin and hair and…"
          "And those blonde genes that make you such an idiot."
          "Thanks Curly Sue."
          "So you seeing him again today?"
          "I'm going to try not to see him today. I think the relationship's moving too fast."
          "Oh what, so you didn't stretch to giving him a blowjob in an alleyway last night then?"
          "No, I decided I'd break the usual routine. You seeing Chris today?"
          "SHIT! He's coming to fix my car. Gotta go." Penny jumped up.
          "How are you going to get home, Pen?" Kirsty asked.
          "Shit…Can you give me a lift?"
          "Sure, I'll just grab my keys," she chirped as she found her keys and headed out the front door.
          "Actually I've just remembered my car's at Chris's place," Penny chirped. "You still okay to drop me off there?"
          "No problem," Kirsty replied as her eyes wandered to Julia's comatose form on the lawn. TimTam was perched on top of her licking the crumbs off the plate. Kirsty gave Julia a nudge with her foot. Julia swatted at it with her hand but didn't open her eyes.
          "Uh Jools…You've remembered your parents are coming for lunch today right?"
          "Shit, no."
          "Don't forget your Nanna and Uncle Geoff are down and they're coming too."
          "They're what?" Julia sat up and stared at Kirsty.
          "Oh did I forget to give you that message?" Kirsty giggled. "Oops, well they are so I'd best be going now…And we did eat the last of the chicken before we went out last night," she added, pushing Penny towards the car.
          "How the HELL does she do that?" Julia scowled as her hopes for a chicken salad were dashed.

          Kirsty followed the directions that Penny gave and soon found herself in the middle of nowhere, even though she was only ten minutes from home. It wasn't long before Penny announced the next driveway was Chris's and Kirsty slowed the car to turn down it. The house was set back from the road but Penny's torana was clearly visible at the end of it. Kirsty slowed the car even more when she realised that someone was working on the car.
          "What an arse," Kirsty announced as she stopped the car by the torana and the pair sat looking at Chris's butt for a few seconds before he turned and smiled at them. Chris was leaning over the car wearing nothing but an old faded pair of torn jeans and sweat and grease. Kirsty assumed that it was the dog that was lying by the front tyre and not a carpet-wrapped corpse. Her assumption was proven correct seconds later when Bear got up, started barking and dashed over to the car put his head through the window and gave a yelp as his head was suddenly wedged between the glass and the roof of the car.
          "What are you doing?" Penny asked.
          "Have you seen the size of him? He scares me," Kirsty chirped as Chris came round to Kirsty's side of the car.
          "Would you mind releasing my dog?" he mused.
          "Has he been fed today because I think he might eat me if he hasn't."
          "I promise he's been fed. He's a big softie," Chris perked as Kirsty reluctantly wound down the window and released the dog. The pair got out of the car and wandered over to the torana.
          "Penny you're here early. I wasn't expecting you until after lunch," Chris perked.
          "Hey yeah, how come you were up so early this morning?" Penny asked looking at Kirsty.
          "Well someone's gotta feed the fucking menagerie…And Jools wasn't exactly up to it this morning," Kirsty grumbled.
          "What do you mean?" Penny asked.
          "You didn't notice she was hungover?"
          "She was hungover?"
          "You are so in love," Kirsty grinned.
          "So are you."
          "Am not, you are."
          "Am not, you are."
          "Am not, you are."
          "Am not, now you have to go because I have to help Chris with my car."
          "What are you gonna do? Use your tongue to wipe the sweat from his face?"
          "If that’s what it takes."
          "Trust me, she won't be licking it from my face," Chris informed Kirsty. Penny turned bright red and hid her face in her hands.

          Julia opened the fridge and pulled out the lettuce crisper to find a post-it on it: Nothing in here cos you didn't do the shopping. Julia shut the fridge and opened the pantry door on every container there were more post-its: Nothing in here. Do the shopping dammit. Why are you even bothering to look when you know we have nothing anyway? Frustrated, she decided to grab the food money (also with a post-it - use this to buy food) and walked to the deli, which was only two minutes away. After wandering the shelves for ages, she decided that she didn't like anything there and opted to buy a barbecue chicken from the chip shop. She'd come back later to get the chips to have with it. Julia had just cut the chicken up and put it all on a plate when she heard the back gate open and her family traipse into the house. She received a hug from her Nanna whilst her uncle Geoff went into the lounge, sat down and started watching TV.
          "I'll just go make you all a cuppa," Julia chirped as she ushered everyone into the lounge. She went into the kitchen, put the jug on to boil then leant against the fridge.
          "Keep calm Julia, don't scream. They're only here for a few hours. You can deal with this," she told herself.
          "Julia!" her Nanna called out. Julia smiled and walked into the lounge room. Her Nanna peered at her through her glasses. "Have you put weight on? No wonder you can't find a man when you're that size. Why can't you be more like your sister? Or that lovely girl you live with? Where is she? What are we having for lunch? If it's corned beef you know he won't eat it."
          "I've just gotta go to the shops for a minute. Won't be long," Julia muttered as she grabbed her purse and left. She didn't know why but her Nanna always managed to make her feel worthless in five minutes. Usually it took two; the old woman was slipping. She couldn't believe it but she could still hear her Nanna rambling on about the house.
          "I'm gonna dance my fat butt on your grave," Julia muttered to herself before she crossed the road to get to the shops.

          Kirsty reached the end of Chris's driveway and stopped to ponder what she was going to do next.
          "Well, I could go back home and be forced to endure Jools's family? No thanks I wouldn't wish that on Satan. I could go to my parents and we could do the gardening together? I think I'd rather slit my wrists. Or I could go against everything I told Penny and go and see Ross. Well, his bed more to the point. She's right, I shouldn't be up." She pulled out the napkin Ross had scrawled his address on and set it on the passenger seat before she turned out of the driveway and headed towards Marion.

          It took her just over an hour to get there. Ross's townhouse apartment was near the top of the building and Kirsty took the lift up, before she knocked on the door.
          "Don't you know how to ring the doorbell?" he asked as he saw Kirsty. She pushed her way past him, went into the bedroom and took off her shoes.
          "What are you doing?" Ross asked as he watched her take off her jeans. "Well if you insist," he mused. Ross was still in his Spiderman boxers so he took the liberty to climb back under the covers and snuggle against her.
          "This might sound like an absurd question, but what are you doing in my bed?" He asked.
          "Can't talk, sleeping."
          "I'll tickle you again?"
          "Don't, I haven't peed. I've been putting it off."
          "Thanks for that image. But what are you doing here?"
          "Because I can't sleep at home as Jools's is hungover and her redneck family is over."
          "Jools is hungover?"
          "Don't you and Penny have eyes?"
          "I only have eyes for you babe."
          "Don't make me sick," Kirsty sighed as she pulled the covers over her head. It wasn't long before she poked her head out and turned to Ross.
          "This bed stinks. When was the last time you washed the sheets?" Ross looked at her blankly. "Tell me you've washed the sheets? Oh my god, you've never washed the sheets. Get up I'm going to have to wash them." Kirsty pushed him out of bed and started to get dressed again.
          "Well, can you at least leave your jeans off while you do it?" Ross asked and received a frosty glare from Kirsty. "Righto then. I'll just gather up the rest of my dirty washing." Kirsty was still giving him daggers. "Why waste a wash cycle with just sheets? We're in a drought you know."
          "God, your whole apartment's a mess. I'm just gonna have to clean. I bet you haven't even done the shopping have you?"
          "There's food."
          "Two packets of corn chips are not food."
          "They lasted the weekend. They can last for a couple more days."
          "I want food, not corn chips. We're going shopping now."
          "Why now?"
          "Because you've got nothing to clean this place with."
          "There's a sponge."
          "There's nothing to put on the fucking sponge. Put some pants on and we'll go."
          "Don't even get a good morning kiss," Ross grumbled as he made his way back to the bedroom.
          "You'll get a good morning slap if you're not careful," Kirsty threatened
          "Oh, do I get to pick where you slap?"
          "Where would you like to be slapped? Area a, b or c?"
          "Arse, back or cheek?"
          "If we were married I'd divorce you."
          "If you divorce me I'll become an alcoholic, and our children will be traumatized."
          "Who said we were having children?"
          "Okay the cat would be traumatized."
          "I'll sue for custody."
          "I wouldn't fucking want it."
          "You can have the stereo."
          "I want the widescreen TV."
          "I'll sue for custody."
          "Of the TV?"
          "Yep."
          "Bitch," Ross spat as Kirsty pushed him out of the apartment and into the lift.

          "Can you hand me the spanner?" Chris asked. Upon receiving no spanner he turned and noticed Penny staring at where his butt had been. He smiled and waved a hand in front of her eyes. Penny blinked and looked up at him.
          "What?"
          "I know my arse is great but can you please take your eyes off it for five minutes and just help me. I'm almost finished."
          "What did you want?" she asked.
          "Spanner."
          "Okay then," Penny chirped and picked up the spanner. She sidled up next to him and handed him the spanner while her other hand slid down his back and rested on his perfect rear.
          "Lower, left a bit, down, down more, up a bit, squeeze."
          "What?" Penny looked at him.
          "Sorry, got carried away there," he grinned at her.
          "So what was wrong with my car?" Penny asked.
          "Well, I'll put it into words you can understand."
          "Okay then."
          "It needed water and was almost out of oil."
          "That was it?"
          "And I gave it a tune up for you. I take it you don't check the oil or anything do you?"
          "Right now I couldn’t give a damn," Penny said nonchalantly as she pondered trailing kisses down his sweaty back.
          "You can trail kisses down my back if you want to," he said while still looking at the engine.
          "How did you do that?" Penny asked.
          "Well I put the oil in this bit and the water in this bit."
          "You idiot," she giggled and kissed his shoulder. He turned and captured her lips with his. They broke apart and looked at each other for a while before speaking.
          "It's hot, why don't we go for a swim? I need to clean off this stuff anyway."
          "I don't have any bathers with me," Penny pointed out. "And you really don’t want to see me naked."
          "I wouldn't have suggested it if I didn't," Chris smiled wryly as he headed back to the house. Penny thought for a moment before she followed him.

          Julia wondered how much it'd hurt if she were to slit her throat with a butterknife as she was eating her lunch. She twirled the knife in her hand and looked at it longingly. Her Nanna made another comment about her being fat and she wondered what her parents would do if she grabbed the carving fork, jumped across the table and plunged it deep into her Nanna's chest. She was just about to get out of her chair when the doorbell rang.
          "I'll get it," she perked as she dashed from the table and flung open the door. "Oh thank Christ it's you." Julia sighed as she saw Liam standing there, wearing long shorts, a white bonds singlet, and sneakers.
          "Maybe not when you hear what I've got to tell you," Liam replied as he entered the house. Julia became aware that all noise from the kitchen had ceased and would not have been surprised to turn and find her Mother and Nanna at the doorway trying to overhear every word said. She turned and thankfully no one was in the doorway.
          "What's the problem?"
          "Well, you know how the Franklin business proposal has to be in by tomorrow?"
          "Yeah that was Meg…Crap," Julia sighed as she realised that Megan had stuffed it up.
          "Exactly. Mr. De'Lorenzo called me because he couldn’t get hold of you and suggested that we both work on it, to get it finished on time."
          "I couldn't be happier. We'll just go into the study and work on it there," Julia nodded as she showed him the study before going back into the kitchen. "Do you guys mind letting yourselves out when you're finished? I hate to be rude but we really need to get this work finished by tomorrow."
          "Julia do you realise he's black?" her Nanna gasped, looking shocked.
          "He's black? Oh my God! Why don't I just get my rifle and shoot him for being on my land then? Wipe the lot of them out shall I?"
          "I can't believe you let him into the house."
          "You're lucky he's wearing clothes. Usually he just stands out the front wearing a loincloth and holding a spear. He's also housetrained, which is a bitch to do but it's worth it when they stop peeing on the furniture."
          "Jools hurry up or I'll be late for the Corroboree tonight. You know how long it takes to get the body paint on," Liam, who was standing behind her, announced.
          "Yeah, yeah and you've gotta hunt out your boomerang too. You were almost punished last time because you didn't have it and we don't need you having a spear thrust through the back of your knees because we have the Franklin proposal to work on," Julia declared as the pair went to the study.

          Ross leaned on the trolley, bored out of his skull but happy he didn't have to make the effort to do the shopping. Kirsty wandered around pulling various items off the shelves and putting them in the trolley. They were in the cleaning aisle when Ross picked up a bottle of Spray and Wipe and started humming the tune to the television commercial.
          "Spray and Wipe's a breeze, it cleans up toughest grease."
          "Will you stop doing that?"
          "Spray and Wipe all purpose, it cleans up every surface."
          "If you don't stop that I'll…"
          "You'll what? Oh Mr. Sheen Oh Mr. Sheen."
          "Ross."
          "Louie the fly I'm Louie the fly. Straight from rubbish tips to you. Spreading disease with the greatest of…OW!" Ross rubbed his head and looked at the fabric softener refill pack that had smacked him in the head.
          "I was aiming for the trolley. Your head just got in the way."
          "My head's up here and the trolley's down there, I don't think you were aiming for the trolley."
          "Of course I was."
          "What am I? A backboard now?"
          "If you insist," Kirsty shrugged as she tossed a pack of sponges at his head and watched as they bounced off his face and into the trolley.
          "Are you going to stop doing that?"
          "Nope" Kirsty threw a ball shaped room deodorizer at him, which again bounced off his face and into the trolley.
          "I'm going to have to hurt you now."
          "You wouldn't dare," Kirsty said impudently. Ross raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh fuck," she squeaked before taking off towards the bakery section. She did a lap of the cakes, ran through the fruit and vegetable section, avoided knocking over a toddler, rounded the baked bean display and thought she was safe in the pasta aisle. Kirsty was catching her breath when she heard a bit of a crash and a yelp. She quickly ran into the personals aisle and saw a foot sticking out from under piles of sanitary products.
          "Are you okay?" Kirsty asked as she helped Ross up.
          "Bloody Ultra Thins," he cursed as he tossed a pack at Kirsty. It missed completely "So much for fucking wings."