"How is he?" Chris asked as he tried to get himself slightly more comfortable on the couch.
          "Who?" Penny replied slightly dazed.
          "Bear," Chris mused, letting out a small hiss of breath before he finally settled.
          "Wrapped up in my $180 chocolate brown mink blanket," Penny said distractedly. "Can I get you anything? A sandwich, coffee, beer?"
          "No, I’m really only allowed liquefied vegetables through a straw at the moment," Chris chided. "Can’t we just sit and talk for a bit?"
          "Do you want to watch television?" Penny asked, wanting to do anything but indulge in a conversation with him. She began to nervously go through her videos and DVDs. "We could watch some classic Man from U.N.C.L.E or I’ve just got a copy of Oklahoma. I watched it with Kirsty and we couldn’t stop singing ‘Oh What a Beautiful Morning’ for about a week…"
          "Pen."
          "What about Bonanza? Have I ever explained the humour in Little Joe’s tight pants? Or I know, we could watch like Law and Order. I mean, I don’t know which version it is but I imagine someone gets killed in an unfortunate way…"
          "Pen."
          "Would you prefer not to watch any television at all?"
          "I think I'd prefer to have a conversation with you Pen."
          "How about something to eat?" Penny continued. "I think we need pizza. Should I ring for one? No, I think I'll go to the shop and get one." She grabbed her car keys and fled.
          When Penny reached Kirsty and Julia's she was shocked to find the house empty. Still, she wasn't ready to go home yet and decided to see if there was a pizza in the freezer. There was and so she promptly turned on the oven and waited for the pizza to cook.

          "Is there a reason you jerk uncomfortably every time I turn a corner?" Kirsty asked, looking sideways at Ross.
          "Well that could be because I was in a near fatal accident not very long ago," Ross groused.
          "So if I swerved really quickly that would upset you?" Kirsty chided grinning.
          "No that wouldn't upset me," Ross frowned. "It would really, really piss me off," he shot her an angry look. "I imagine there'd be a change of underwear needed too."
          "What if I just put my foot down and went straight towards a tree?"
          "Do you want to see me have a complete mental breakdown?" Ross asked clearly annoyed.
          "Kinda."
          "I broke my wrist!"
          "You broke my heart!"
          "That's no reason to want to kill us both."
          "I dunno," Kirsty shrugged. "I've always been kinda fascinated by the murder/suicide thing," she enthused. "We'd be just like Romeo and Juliet."
          "I may be traumatised but I'm willing to throw myself from a moving vehicle."
          "Go on. Prove it," Kirsty said as she slightly increased the speed of the car.
          "I've never seen this sadistic side of you before," Ross sighed, leaning his head back against the seat.
          "Do you like it?" Kirsty queried.
          "Keep it up and I'll need that change of underwear," Ross said wryly.
          "Charming," Kirsty giggled.

          Julia drove up a long driveway and noted the perfectly overgrown garden in an English cottage kind of way. She parked her car and clambered out into the drive. As Julia walked up the pebbled driveway she caught her heel in one of the larger rocks and snapped it.
          "Fuck," she spat as she pulled off her shoe to inspect the damage. The heel was only hanging on by a thread so she snapped that one completely off and then pulled her other shoe off and snapped the heel of that so they still matched and she didn't look like a complete idiot hobbling up to the house.
          Walking up the front steps she noticed the rose arbour sparkling with fairy lights in the dark and was suitably impressed. Julia reached out to ring the doorbell just as the door was opened and Ryan appeared dripping wet and wearing nothing but a towel.
          "Come in," he announced. "I'll just go and put some clothes on."
          "No rush," Julia replied and waited until Ryan had disappeared into his bedroom she held her head in her hands. "No rush? What a complete idiot!"
          "Julia," Ryan announced as he appeared standing in front of her.
          Julia looked up and put on the biggest, cheesiest smile she could. "Ryan!"
          "Would you like something to drink?"
          "No, no, I'm fine," Julia nodded enthusiastically. "You go and put your pants on. Not that you need them. You've got a great body without them."
          "Ok," Ryan said and stared for a second before going back to his room.
          "Stupid, stupid, stupid," Julia cussed. "Just throw yourself at him why don’t you."
          "Julia."
          "Ryan!"
          "There's some nibbles if you're hungry."
          "No thanks, I'm watching my weight," Julia frowned. "What the hell am I saying? I sound like such a bimbo. For the record I've never watched my weight in my life unless there was a party on my thighs."
          "Are you ok?"
          "No. I'm clearly not," Julia declared. "Shall I tell you about my day? First, my family forgot my birthday then my friends forgot my birthday and finally, I broke my favourite shoes on your frickin' driveway. Not that it’s the driveway's fault but that's not the point. They were my favourite shoes and have I told you everyone's forgotten it's my birthday?"

          "Would you like to come up to see my new Skyhooks DVD?" Ross asked as Kirsty parked the car out the front of his apartment building.
          "That's gotta be the lamest chat up line I've ever heard," Kirsty teased.
          "Hey, I haven't slept in a week and I need to change my pants," Ross declared. "Take it or leave it" he added, hauling himself out of the car.
          "Well considering that cast will stop you from doing up zips, I feel I need to come and help you," Kirsty chided.
          "I have trouble getting them down too."
          "Wow, the lines just keep coming don't they?" Kirsty said deadpan.
          "Am I making any headway?"
          "Hell no."
          "What if I play the sympathy angle?"
          "I thought that's what you were doing?"
          "Are you even going to ask why I haven't slept in a week?" Ross huffed as they stepped into the elevator.
          "Because you're emotionally fractured after nearly getting yourself and two others within inches of becoming one of those funky black fatality road markers?" Kirsty suggested.
          "Do you always have to mock everything I say?"
          "It's my way of coping," Kirsty shrugged.
          "Coping with what?"
          "Almost losing you," Kirsty replied without even thinking. Even as the words left her lips she wished she hadn't said it.
          "That's kinda the other reason I haven't been sleeping," Ross sighed as they reached his apartment. The two stopped and stared at each other for a few moments before almost automatically leaning in towards each other. There lips were millimetres apart when Dangermouse could be heard coming from Kirsty's pocket. Kirsty pulled away from Ross and fumbled briefly in her pocket for her phone.
          "You've got five seconds to tell me your problem before I hang up on you," she spat into the mouthpiece.
          "Chris wants to have a serious talk with me and I fled the house and came to your place but no-one's here and I really need to talk to someone and you're the only one cos Jools has turned off her phone," Penny babbled without taking a breath.
          "I wish I'd turned off my phone," Kirsty grumbled.
          "That doesn't help me," Penny wailed.
          "Pen, I'd really like to help you here but Ross and I are in the middle of something really important."
          "Everything's always more important," Penny groused. "What about me?"
          "You're a grown woman Penelope," Kirsty said exasperated. "You need to have a talk with Chris. Go home and talk to him, sort everything out."
          "But I'm afraid," Penny whimpered and Kirsty rolled her eyes.
          "Why?"
          "I don't know."
          "Pen just go and talk to the man. It won't be anywhere near as bad as you think it will be."
          "But what if he says he hates me and never wants to see me again?"
          "Do you think he'd be wanting to talk to you if he never wanted to see you again?" Kirsty asked, bored of the conversation already.
          "No, maybe…. I don't know."
          "Pen, trust me," Kirsty sighed. "Just talk to the man. It'll be ok. I've gotta go. Good luck," she quickly ended the call and slipped the phone back into her pocket.

          "Well that didn't help me at all," Penny sighed as she dropped her phone onto the table. She wandered back into the kitchen and decided to take a look at the 'Men for all Seasons' calendar on the wall. She noticed a big purple circle around the day's date with 'My birthday' scrawled in Julia's handwriting.
          "Oh fuck!" Penny gasped as she dashed back to pick up her phone.

          "So anyway," Ross declared, moving closer to Kirsty. "We were about to discuss something important."
          "Absolutely vital," Kirsty cooed, wrapping her arms around his waist. She felt his hot breath on her lips when once again; Dangermouse started playing.
          "Ignore it," Ross pleaded.
          "Can't, neurotic," Kirsty muttered grabbing her phone. "This better be bloody important."
          "Do you have any idea what day it is today?" Penny gasped.
          "I don't know," Kirsty spat. "Have they found Azaria Chamberlain and the Beaumont children? I know, George W's been assassinated. Oh, oh I know! You've fucking lost your mind!"
          "Well there's no need to be rude you know. If you're gonna act like that I'm not going to tell you."
          "What is it? What?"
          "Do you know there's a David Hasselhoff movie on?"
          "PENNY!"
          "He's singing in it and wearing leather pants."
          "Penelope Jane Gibson! You'd better answer me in the next five seconds or I'm hanging up on you."
          "You'll be pissed if you hang up."
          "What is it you stupid curly haired woman?"
          "Too mean!"
          "Oh for god's sake."
          "My pizza's burning."
          "You rang me to tell me your pizza's burning?"
          "No you stupid blonde harpy it's Jools's birthday today!"
          "Oh I'm a bad friend."
          "Yeah she's your best friend," Penny mocked. "Makes you look worse."
          "Well that's just completely killed the mood now," Kirsty groaned. "I should go home."
          "Yes you should you bad friend!"
          "Fine, I'll be there in a little while." Kirsty hung up and turned to Ross.
          "You're leaving aren't you?" He sighed miserably.
          "Yeah, we sort of, kind of, completely forgot Jools's birthday today."
          "You're a bad friend."
          "I know," Kirsty frowned. "That's why I have to leave."
          "And do what at, 10 o'clock at night?" Ross declared checking his watch.
          "Beg?" Kirsty shrugged. "You'll be all right though right?"
          "I'll just drink myself into a stupor."
          "As long as you have fun," Kirsty remarked as she left and made her way to her car.

          "Well, that really sucks," Ryan sighed not really know what to say.
          "And you wanna know what else?"
          "No, but I'm assuming you're going to tell me," he breathed and left the room briefly and returned with a box of tissues and motioned for Jools to come and join him on the couch. He put an arm around her and let her pour out her heart.
          "You know why my parents forgot my birthday? Because my sister's getting married and therefore no one else exists at the moment. It's Lynda this Lynda that. I'd personally like to strap Lynda to a giant dartboard and practice darts with her but the darts would probably hit bone and bounce back out cos she's so skinny. Bloody Weight Watchers. If she loses any more weight she'll be a skeleton with eyes and the stupid bloody bridesmaids dresses. Why Maxine has to make them I'll never know. She just can't sew. I'm gonna look like a big blue cloud in the horrible dress. It'd be okay if it was made properly but the woman is incompetent. I wanna tie her to a dartboard too. Just til after the wedding and then there's the wedding itself. I know everyone's going to come up to me and ask why I'm still single and then act like I don't exist."
          "Jools."
          "And then there's my friends," Julia sniffed. "So-called friends really. I expect Penny to forget, as she never remembers anything but you'd think that my best friend would remember, sure she's all upset about Ross and whether they'll get back together or not and if he'll heal properly but it's my birthday dammit! I didn't even get a cake."
          "Well, I've got…"
          "And we killed next door's Hydrangea. It didn't do anything to us and we just ripped it from the ground and tossed it away like a common garden weed."
          "Well I can get you a new…"
          "And to top it all off I broke my favourite sandals," Julia bawled. "I suppose when I get home all my pets will be dead, all my Charmed tapes stolen and only the slab left on the block. No house or furniture cos it's all been abducted by aliens."
          "Jools."
          "I'm not an emotional cripple," she pleaded, grabbing Ryan's arm. "I'm just having a really, really bad day." She gave another sniff. "I just want you to know that."
          "Is there anything I can do?" Ryan asked squeezing her shoulder.
          "Do you have any suggestions?"
          "I've got a few ideas."
          "Does it involve cake?"
          "Depends what you're into."
          "Now you've lost me…"
          "We could fuck until dawn."
          Jools looked at him blankly for a moment. "Yeah that'd help."

          "She's probably killed herself," Kirsty sighed, head in her hands as she sat at the kitchen table.
          "How could you forget her birthday?" Penny scorned.
          "Oh well you weren't exactly clued up."
          "Yeah but I'm not expected to be."
          "That's no excuse Penelope," Kirsty scolded. "She's your friend too, you should have remembered."
          "If it weren't for me you wouldn't have known at all."
          "If it weren't for you'd I'd be licking jam from Ross's torso right now!"
          "Strawberry?"
          "Of course."
          "Chris is probably unconscious on the kitchen floor bleeding profusely or something."
          "Shouldn't you go and check on him?"
          "God no."
          "Why?"
          "He gave me his job and he wants me back."
          "I'm not seeing a downside here."
          "What if I get back together with him and he treats me horribly and dumps me again?"
          "Pen, he drove himself to your house after having major surgery," Kirsty gasped. "I get the feeling he's quite serious about you."
          "I don't know."
          "You might be an engineer but you're a stupid, stupid woman."
          "What about you and Ross?"
          "Hello? Jam!"
          "That's not answering the question."
          "Well we'd be a lot closer if you hadn't rung me both those times."
          "Ah quit you're whingeing."
          "What were we talking about again?"
          "Missing Jools's birthday."
          "Yeah, I should have stayed with Ross."
          "Kirsty! How can you be so cold?"
          "She'll have another birthday next year."
          "Not if she's hurled herself over a cliff."
          "Then we'll have nothing to worry about," Kirsty enthused. "She'll be too dead to care or in a coma," she added. "Either way it won't matter."
          "You're a cruel heartless person, you know that?"
          "You do wanna know if you can stay here tonight don't you? Cos you don’t want to go back?"
          "Can I?"
          "You can have Jools's bed."
          "What if she comes home?"
          "Fine, you can sleep with me but you have to ring Chris first and make sure he's not bleeding to death on the kitchen floor."
          "Can I e-mail him?"
          "No!"
          "Fine, I'll send him a text message…"

          Ross was lying on the lounge clutching a half-empty bottle of whisky and watching a live test cricket match from India, even though he hated everything about cricket. Glen McGrath was just about to bowl the last ball of the over when the door flew open and Rob fell in with his tongue stuck down the throat of some skinny red head in a sequined skirt or belt. Ross wasn't quite sure. They stood groping each other for a moment before Ross spoke up.
          "Will you two just get a room and be done with it already. You're making me sick or it could be the half a bottle of whisky. I'm not sure." The girl squeaked and Rob glared at his older brother.
          "Ignore him, he's on day release," Rob declared sternly.
          "I thought you said you lived alone Rob?" the girl cooed.
          "Like I say kitten, he's on day release."
          "Don't believe what he says," Ross continued. "Those girls came into the basement of their own accord. I don't know how they died ok." He sat up, a blank expression on his face. "I kept locks of their hair though. They were red heads too. I like red heads," he cackled evilly and got to his feet. "I like pretty girls." He staggered towards his brother.
          The girl screamed and fled.
          "Ross you fucker!"
          "Hey, if I ain't getting any, you're not either," Ross announced as he closed the door. "Shame though, I liked her. I like red heads."
          "You're a sick, twisted individual you know that?"
          "Eh whatcha gonna do?"
          "Break your other arm!"
          Ross leapt towards Rob who fled to his bedroom wailing "Don't hurt me!"
          "Oh come back and play!"