"What’s the time?" Julia asked as she grabbed a handful of cashews from the table on Chris’s patio.
"11:45," Kirsty replied as she settled on a banana lounge with Ross.
"Why does it always seem to take an age to get to midnight?" Liam sighed as he sipped his beer.
"Because we wouldn’t have time to get drunk if it flew past," Ross grinned while downing a green cocktail that Chris had concocted.
"Y’know what would be really fun," Chris piped up, wandering over with his own blue cocktail. "If we all had new years resolutions." The group made a few uninterested mumbles.
"Or what if we gave each other resolutions," Penny giggled as she climbed out of the pool.
"Oh see, now that could be fun," Ross agreed. "How about we have a bet then, make it worthwhile."
"What type of bet?" Liam queried.
"We each put $100 in the kitty and the person or persons who keep to their resolutions after 2 weeks get the cash," Ross suggested cheekily.
"I’m in," Julia piped up, followed by a cacophony of agreements from the others.
"So whose gonna get the ball rolling?" Penny asked, getting comfortable in a chair, a towel wrapped loosely around her.
"I will," Kirsty smiled. "Ross, you’re to give up drinking."
Ross nearly snorted his cocktail. "Fine," he chided. "In which case you’re not allowed to be negative, grouchy or aggressive."
"That’s impossible," Kirsty gasped. "Prick," she added, deciding to get in a few insults mere minutes before midnight.
"Jools, you’re allowed nothing but a healthy diet," Liam cackled and Julia frowned.
"In which case honey you can’t exercise, at all," Julia sneered and grabbed another handful of nuts.
"I think Penelope should give up television," Chris beamed. "No one can let her watch it."
"Oh that’s just cruel," Penny huffed. "Fine, you have to live on a budget Waylon-Jones."
"Easy," Chris smirked.
"The budget of an unemployed person," Penny added. "$385 a fortnight."
"What!" Chris gasped, his smugness short lived.
"Oh let’s all get ready, it’s nearly midnight," Kirsty announced, getting to her feet. Chris took to pouring them all a drink of champagne, minus Kirsty who he gave juice.
"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" the cry went up a few seconds later.
"Hey, this is juice!" Ross yelped, spitting the liquid on a fern.
"It’s the New Year Mutt," Chris laughed. "No drinking, sorry."
"Fucking resolutions," Ross groused.
Two Days Later…
"We need to get some shopping in," Penny announced, noticing after the festive season that Chris’s refrigerator was looking a little thin on food.
"I’ll give you my card and you go can go wild if you want," Chris offered as he sat flipping through an expensive car magazine.
"But you’re budgeting," Penny mused as she snatched up his wallet from the counter and took everything but $385 from it.
"Ok, so I’ll take the budget and get food," Chris shrugged closing his magazine and getting to his feet.
"Don’t forget you have to get petrol, pet food and the electricity bill needs paid," Penny said nonchalantly.
"The electricity bill is bigger than the budget," Chris gasped. "It’s impossible."
"Shouldn’t use so much of it then," Penny shrugged as Chris glared at her.
"I’m going out to get the shopping," he declared, grabbing his keys and marching out of the house.
"This is going to be interesting," Penny mused as she leaned against the breakfast bar. "What to do, what to do," she breathed, scanning the room. She knew the entire TV1 line up better than she knew herself and the fact that Buffy was on Fox8 later was driving her insane. No, she needed a distraction and that was going to be difficult in Chris’s house. It was above all things spotless and while she could use one of his many PlayStation’s the simple fact was she’d have to turn on the television to do so. "The Internet!" she declared. "I’ll go surf. That’ll waste some time at least," she added and headed for the study.
"Lunch is served," Liam perked, placing a plate in front of Jools. She looked at it unimpressed.
"It’s stinky," she declared lifting up a slice of the wholemeal bread to investigate the leafy contents. "What is it?"
"It’s a chicken salad sandwich," Liam sighed. "And it won’t kill you."
"Is this all I get for lunch?" Julia gasped, her stomach rumbling.
"No," Liam mused. "You get a nice glass of orange juice and a yoghurt."
"Oh well now I feel special," Julia groused as she started on her sandwich. She quickly discovered the bread hadn’t been buttered and tasted a little more than dry. In an attempt to wash it down she drank some of the juice which was painfully unsweetened. "I’m going to die of malnutrition."
"You just don’t know what good eating is," Liam frowned as he took another mouthful of his own sandwich.
"Mud cake, pizza, a large McChicken meal with cookies," Julia huffed. "That’s good eating."
"Good eating? It’ll kill you!"
"Good, means I’ll die happy."
"Jools!"
"What? It’s true and it’s better than eating rabbit food."
"Your rabbits eat vegetable scraps."
"Isn’t that what you put in this poor excuse for bread?"
Liam let out a huff and put his sandwich heavily down on his plate. "The least you can do is try. I mean it’s only been two days!"
"I’m wasting away," Julia pouted. "I felt a rib this morning."
"I certainly didn’t," Liam muttered.
"Excuse me? Are you saying I’m fat?"
"No, Jools you know I’d never…"
"Oh no, if you’re going to be rude about my physical appearance then you can shove your lunch up your arse," Julia spat as she got to her feet and headed for the door. She stopped and marched back to the table grabbing the yoghurt and spoon Liam had lain out for her. "I’m taking the yoghurt though," she hurried and stormed from the room.
"Why does my mother’s birthday have to been so soon after Christmas?" Kirsty groused as she marched through the thick crowds at the Marion shopping centre.
"Was that a negative comment?" Rob asked, dodging a three year old with an ice cream.
"I think it was borderline," Ross agreed as he tried to ignore the pain in his right hand where Kirsty’s nails were digging into his flesh. "But the day’s not over yet." Kirsty stopped and looked at him, her eyes narrowed.
"Be happy, don’t let him win Kitten," Rob enthused as Kirsty’s attention shifted to him.
"Why are you here?" she asked curiously.
"Well, one night my parents had a bit to much sherry and over a Bible reading…"
"She meant shopping dickhead," Ross sighed, shaking his head.
"I’m your moral support," Rob nodded eagerly. "Since my brother here is convinced you’re going to fail."
"Rob!" Ross groused and then smiled innocently at Kirsty. "The boy is clearly deranged, been reading the New Testament."
"Well it’s very pleasing to know he’s literate," Kirsty smiled, only to be run into by a woman with a pile of shopping bags. "Oh!" she gasped as the desire to scream filled her lungs.
"Hey, watch where you’re going bitch," Ross snarled and then smiled at Kirsty. "See, supportive."
"Lame," Rob giggled and received a shove for his efforts. "Oh, that reminds me. You’re still on for tonight right?"
"Tonight what?" Ross asked, looking at his brother blankly.
"My gig?" Rob mused. "You promised you’d come with me, to make Mum happy."
"Is this the gig at the Stag?" Kirsty perked and Rob nodded and she started to giggle.
"What? You’re making me go to a pub when you know I’m teetotal!" Ross gasped. "It’s just immoral to enter an ale house without being tempted by the…"
"Aren’t you just a sweetie of a big brother," Kirsty chided, cutting him off, and kissed his cheek.
"He’s just the best Kitten," Rob smirked as he winked at Kirsty.
"I hate you both," Ross huffed and fell into a sulk.
Penny was entering what felt like her 24th hour on the Internet, trying to find something she could keep herself amused with. After unsuccessfully trying to find out about paper folding, knitted tea cosies and make your own coffins, she entered a site where she discovered she could be ordained. In less than five minutes she had received her new title ‘Priestess Busty Wench’, and a lovely print-out containing the rules she must follow as a member.
Chris was sitting at the table looking at a small pile of money in front of him and wondering how he could make fifteen dollars last for the rest of the fortnight. He still had to pay his car registration in the next week along with the electricity and his next credit card bill. He was staring at the money and willing it to multiply when Penny bounced into the room.
"What are you looking so happy about Pen?" He groused.
"That’s Priestess Busty Wench to you," she remarked as she flashed the piece of paper at him before pinning it to the fridge with an ‘I love Porches’ magnet.
"Pen…I mean, Priestess Busty Wench, don’t you think it’s about time you found yourself a hobby?"
"Where did we get all these groceries from?" Penny mused, looking in the fridge to see it full to bursting.
"I bought them."
"And how much did it cost you?"
"I’m not quite sure of the specifics but I have fifteen dollars left."
"Did you pay the electricity bill?"
"I bought candles and matches."
"I think I’ve found myself something to do for a while. We’re gonna sit down and teach you how to budget properly," Penny sighed as she took a seat at the table.
"Do we have to?"
"You have no cash and a fortnight of expenses to go, so yes we have to," Penny spat as she grabbed a pen and paper and started jotting down notes. Chris slumped in his chair and wished he could have had one of his expensive imported beers.
"I’m just going to go for a walk to the shops and maybe get some videos," Liam perked as he sauntered into the loungeroom.
"Sorry babe but if you’re going anywhere you have to drive," Julia mused. "No exercise outside of footy training are the rules and that includes walking."
"Fine," Liam groused as he grabbed his car keys and left. Julia waited until his car had left the driveway before she got up and started searching the kitchen for food. She opened the fridge and found nothing even remotely unhealthy in there. A search of the cupboards proved just as fruitless and she stood staring out the kitchen window as she tried to decide what to do. In total desperation she grabbed a large bowl, filled it with yoghurt and started adding to it. First to go in was a handful of all-natural muesli, followed by some strawberries, a chopped banana and some plain popcorn. She grabbed a spoon, mixed it all together and took it into the loungeroom where she sat in a beanbag and started to eat.
"Well, it’s better than gnawing on a lettuce," she shrugged as she tasted the first spoonful.
"How about these?" Rob asked, holding up some sexy lingerie.
"It’s for my mo…" Kirsty stopped as Ross grinned at her and she realised she was getting shitty. "They’re for my Mum, so no." She forced herself to smile "But thankyou anyway Robert."
"Yes Robert, thankyou anyway, you’re such a good brother," Ross teased and slapped Rob on the back.
"Oh that hurt you dickhead," Rob scowled, rubbing the sore spot.
"What are you gonna do? Tell mummy?"
"Y’know you’re still young enough to be walloped with the wooden spoon."
"And you’re still young enough to go to Bible study."
"I don’t enjoy it."
"But you still go don’t you arse licker?"
"Oh that’s just charming sweetie," Kirsty sighed as she bit her tongue. "Look, here’s $5, go buy each other an ice cream or something," she declared holding out the crisp note.
"I get to carry the $5," Ross perked, snatching the money from Kirsty’s hand.
"Why do you get to carry the $5?" Rob asked frowning.
"Because I’m fucking her," Ross replied nonchalantly.
"Well I’d…"
"Don’t even think about finishing that sentence," Ross growled as they left the store.
"Oh thank fuck for that," Kirsty sighed as she realised she was free for a few minutes. She made her way over to a pile of tops, buried her face in them and screamed.
"Are you alright?" an alarmed shop assistant asked as she hurried over.
"I’m fucking fantastic," Kirsty grinned. "If those two guys come back in here can you let me know so I can hide?"
"If they’re such a problem we can have security bar them from coming in," the shop assistant offered.
"No, I shouldn’t, that would be wrong," Kirsty mused. "Would it take long to organise?"
"I’m back!" Liam perked as he arrived back at Julia’s "I got…What the hell are you eating? You are eating right? You didn’t just throw up in the bowl?"
"It’s just a snack," Julia shrugged as she continued to eat.
"So is it vomit or not? You never said."
"It’s a yoghurt concoction called ‘Jools’s yoghurt anti-diet mix.’"
"That’s not much of a name really."
"This from the man that rented Tomb Raider," Julia mused. "I can see you rented it for the plot line."
"I’ll have you know that it has a very strong plot line."
"And the fact that Angelina Jolie’s in a tight white singlet and tiny little shorts didn’t affect your choice?"
"I got you Castaway."
"Woo a scrawny Tom Hanks in a loincloth. Now I’m aroused," Julia sarced. "Don’t you have a kangaroo to spear or something?"
"Well since you have to run before you throw the spear, I’m not allowed to do it because of this stupid new years resolution. Although I might write a nice petition on how the backyard is an ancient Aboriginal burial ground."
"So that’s what the dog was chewing on," Julia chided. "I wondered what it was."
"That could have been an elder!"
"Oops."
"You’re not taking me seriously."
"At the moment I’m not eating enough to be able to take you anywhere. I’m too weak."
"I’m gonna watch Angelina Jolie and drink beer."
"I’d go for a walk but considering the speed at which this stuff goes through the system it’s probably not a good idea to be more than ten metres from a lavatory facility."
"I’ve gone off the beer, I’m just gonna watch Angelina."
"You can share my anti-diet mix. It’s not too bad really."
"Don’t you have another room you can be cluttering up?"
"Oh, so sorry to be getting in the way of you and Angelina," Julia groused. "Fine, I’ll go into Kirsty’s room and read her diary. It’s always good for a laugh."
"You know it’s rude to read other people’s diaries right?"
"Well, technically it’s not Kirsty’s diary it’s her memoirs. I’m up to year three. The year she nearly made a friend."
"That’s a little sad really."
"Shut up and watch Angelina!"
"Do you understand budgets now?" Penny asked for the fifth time. Chris nodded, not because he’d understood it all but because he didn’t want to listen to Penny go through it all for a sixth time. Besides, he figured if she wasn’t around he’d just pay his outstanding bills on his credit card and she wouldn’t know any better.
"Are you sure you understand it?"
"Do you wanna go have sex?"
"No, I have to put the top coat on my mosaic birdbath."
"But you don’t have a mosaic birdbath," Chris said, frowning at her.
"I guess I’d better make one then," Penny chirped as she got up and started looking in the cupboards. "Do you want the plates with the little orange flowers on them?"
"That’s a four thousand dollar dinner set Penny. Imported from Italy."
"So do you want it?"
"My mother gave me that."
"SO DO YOU WANT IT?"
"If I say no can we have sex?"
"No."
"Well can I just fondle your breasts a bit then?"
"Christopher!"
"Can I help you break some plates?"
"It has to be done with care," she said, throwing a delicately painted saucer onto the tiled floor and watching it shatter.
"There was no care there."
"Of course there’s care there. Your mother doesn’t like me very much and this is making me feel closer to her and making me happy. You want me to be happy right?"
"My mother gave me that leather pouf in the living room. Can I go throw that in the pool?"
"No I like that pouf."
"So we’re only destroying what you want to destroy."
"Exactly," Penny grinned as she lobbed a teapot at the wall. "Oh that felt so good."
"Is it turning you on? Cos I can get naked right here you know."
"When are you gonna give up?"
"Not until I get some action," Chris said lustfully as he tore off his shirt. "Oh Priestess Busty Wench."
"Ok, so maybe the mosaic can wait a couple of minutes," Penny tossed the teacup she was holding over her shoulder, grabbed Chris and pushed him back onto the table as the teacup shattered.
Later that Evening…
"This is so great!" Kirsty chirped as she watched Ross lick his lips as someone walked past with a drink. "Now you know what I feel like. Apart from the whole lusting after drinks thing. That’s just creepy."
"Get fucked oh Queen of Temperance."
"You’re so cheerful when you’re not drinking," Kirsty chided. "You should do this more often."
"Are you psychotic?"
"You’ve only got yourself to blame sweetie." Kirsty beamed.
"Will you stop being so damned nice!"
"Aw, who’s got their grumpy bootums on today?"
"If you don’t shut up I will throttle you."
"Is my Pookums getting angry? You’re so cute when you’re angry."
Ross was ready to leap across the table and throttle Kirsty when Rob appeared with a jug of beer.
"I bought drinks," he announced and looked at Kirsty and Ross. "But you don’t drink and he can’t drink so I’ll have to drink it." He grinned and put the jug to his mouth and skulled three quarters of it before he stopped and swayed.
"Who moved the room?"
"Oh this is going to be fucking brilliant," Ross scowled. "You’re not me Rob, you can’t get pissed before the show."
"I think someone’s a little jealous that it’s not him up there in the spotlight tonight," Kirsty perked, sipping a glass of water.
"I swear to god woman you say one more bloody cheery thing and I’ll have to…"
"Be nice to your girlfriend," Rob declared and tipped the rest of the jug of beer in Ross’s lap. Ross glared at his brother and without saying a word stalked off to the men’s toilets to try and dry his pants out.
"I think you upset him," Kirsty mused.
"State the obvious Kitten. I’ve got you all to myself now."
"No, I have to go help him fix his pants. He’s too incompetent," Kirsty sighed. "Besides, you’re due on stage tiger." She got up and kissed him on the cheek before she made her way into the men’s to find Ross.
"I’m gonna get my head between her breasts if it kills me," Rob sighed as he skipped off to find the rest of his band.
"That’s like the ninth time I’ve been to the toilet in the last four hours," Julia sighed as she settled back into her beanbag. "I swear I’ve never gone through so much toilet paper in my life."
Liam had gone to his place to watch Angelina in private as Julia’s mood had gotten so bad as she hadn’t eaten a decent meal in days. Still, she wasn’t going to let his absence bother her. In fact, she was glad he was gone as it meant she could do the one thing she’d been dying to do since her diet started. She grabbed her keys and drove to the nearest McDonald’s where she ordered and found a seat overlooking the playground.
Once there she took to arguing with her conscience about the healthiness of her meal. In the end, she’d decided that the large McChicken Meal with a chocolate thickshake had been perfectly healthy as the bun was made of bread, which was fibre. The burger was chicken, which everyone knows is healthy, especially when teamed with lettuce and mayonnaise. The fries were potatoes and part of the vegetable group, whereas the thickshake was milk and chocolate and studies have shown a small amount of chocolate is good for you.
"Don’t know why they ever invented a healthy choice menu," Julia mused as she wiped her mouth on a napkin and decided it was time to go back home. On her way out she bought a box of cookies to hide at home for when she started to get hungry.
"Mum you can’t keep clown fish in a pond," Liam declared as he saw five of the small orange and white fish floating on the surface of his mother’s pond.
"I thought they’d be ok."
"They’re tropical salt water fish Mum. They should be in a fish tank."
"Should I get the salt shaker?"
"Mum," Liam groaned. "Why did you really ask me here?"
"The door’s jammed. You don’t think you could take a look at it could you?" Rosie looked around the yard as she spoke.
"Mum! What’s really going on?"
"It’s your brother."
"Which one? What’s he done and how much is it going to cost me?" he sighed.
"It’s Jimmy."
"Big surprise there."
"Liam don’t speak about Jimmy like that. He’s your brother."
"I wish he’d been stolen and beaten by nuns."
"LIAM!" Rosie snapped. "Must I tell you the story of Uncle George again?"
"No Mum," Liam sighed. "What’s Jimmy done now?"
"He hasn’t done anything. Those police just pick on him all the time."
"D’you mean like that time he smashed that bottle over that bloke’s head and the poor guy had to have twenty stitches to close up the gash in his face? Or that time he got caught breaking and entering?"
"He’s an impressionable young man. He didn’t know what he was doing. It was peer pressure I tell you."
"Who did what to him this time then?"
"He was siphoning petrol out of a car…"
"Oh good, something legal then."
"Liam don’t you take that tone with me. His car had run out and he didn’t have any money to buy more."
"Well there’s your problem mum. Jimmy doesn’t have a car. If you remember last time we all went to court for him it was because he’d been driving without a license in a stolen car."
"It was an accident."
"That’s right. He just accidentally smashed someone’s car window and drove away with their car. It could happen to anyone really."
"I need you to go and get him."
"Which police station is he at this time?"
"He’s at the city watch house."
"Great."
"Liam."
"Can’t we just leave him there to become someone’s bitch?"
"He’s your brother."
"So you keep saying."
"Your father never would have argued with me about this. He understood Jimmy’s problems."
"That Jimmy’s an irresponsible idiot?" Liam groused. "Did you ever think that Dad just died to get away from you?"
"Just go and get your brother," Rosie ordered and pushed him out to his car.
"I’ll see you in a few hours," Liam called as he left to go and retrieve Jimmy.
"Why are you walking funny?" Penny mused as she sat on the patio putting the finishing touches to her mosaic birdbath under the coloured patio lights.
"I think I pulled a muscle when you pulled that move on me the last time we had sex," Chris groaned and stretched his back.
"Well I didn’t know you weren’t that flexible," Penny shrugged, sorting through her box of broken crockery.
"Where the hell did you learn something so perverted anyway?" Chris asked sighing heavily.
"The Internet," Penny mused. "It’s been a long couple of days without television."
"Are you sure it was legal?"
"Well maybe not in Tasmania but I’m pretty sure it’s fine here."
"I mean, I didn’t even realise you were that flexible."
"Chris if you don’t want me to do it again, just say."
"Well, I never said that…" Chris smiled. "Despite the obvious physical discomfort I found it highly erotic."
"Really?"
"I’m a guy, it can’t be that surprising."
Penny stopped what she was doing at looked up at Chris. "Well if you’re interested there’s a few other things I learnt…" she got to her feet. "I mean we could try them out, but only if you wanted."
"Well, I’m not busy at the moment," Chris smiled. "And it’s always good to learn new things right?"
"That’s what I thought," Penny agreed. "Why don’t you get undressed and I’ll go wash my hands and hunt out the cream cheese…"
"Cream cheese?" Chris said blankly as Penny strolled past.
"Uh huh," Penny nodded, smiled and continued on inside.
"Oh man," Chris breathed and then eagerly followed her, ripping off his shirt as he went.
"So are you impressed with your little brother?" Kirsty asked, sipping her fifth soft drink in what was seemingly a rather long interval.
"Yeah, the whole two songs he sang were fabulous," Ross groused, resting his head heavily on his fist. "What’s taking them so long anyway?"
"I don’t know," Kirsty shrugged. "But isn’t that one of his mates heading this way?"
Ross looked up as someone he recognised as Matt approached the table. He looked a cross between worried and pissed off. "Everything all right?"
"No, not really," Matt huffed. "Your stupid brother drank too much and is now currently too sick to do anything but hang his head over the porcelain."
"Shit, I’m sorry," Ross frowned. "He can’t hold his drink."
"Sorry? It’s your fault!" Matt spat. "He only did it to be like you…"
"See sweetie you are his hero," Kirsty mused.
"Oh," Ross said blankly. "Is there anything I can do, other than beat the shit out the little bastard?"
"Hold back the pissed off audience for killing us maybe," Matt suggested crossing his arms.
Ross frowned deeper and then got to his feet. "I’ve got an idea," he added and headed toward the backstage area.
Kirsty let out a sigh and waited for the screaming to start as Ross yelled at his little brother but it never eventuated. The band reappeared with Ross sidling up the microphone as lead singer. "Oh my god!" she gasped.
"Hi folks, sorry about the delay but the lead singer has fallen ill and can’t continue. There’s quite a possibility he may die, probably by my hand. So, I’m taking over and I beg you not to throw rotten fruit at me," Ross declared getting a few chuckles from the audience. "Hit it boys!"
The music kicked in and Ross grabbed the microphone and began to belt out a tune. Kirsty wasn’t listening to the words, she was too stunned at how fantastic his voice was to actually comprehend anything else.