"It’s about time you two turned up. We were thinking you’d never get here," Angie announced the second Penny and Chris got out of the limousine.
          "Nice to see you too mum," Chris sighed as his mother hugged him.
          She looked down her nose at Penny and uttered, "Penelope," before turning on her heel and stalking back into the house. Arthur was standing just inside the door, holding a couple of champagne glasses which he passed to them. Chris swirled his drink in the glass and sniffed it before looking at his father.
          "That’s straight scotch dad!"
          "Don’t tell your mother," Arthur smiled. "Oh and I must warn you two. Joe’s brought his band with him. They’ll be entertaining us today."
          "I hope you’ve got enough scotch then," Penny mused. Arthur grinned at her.
          "Nice of you to come Penny," he breathed as the sound of bongo music filled the air. "Oh they’re onto another rendition of ‘Plastic Unfantastic’. Here, you might need more scotch." He refilled their glasses before going into the kitchen to make potato salad.
          Chris and Penny made their way out into the back garden which had been decorated in a ‘Tuscan Paradise’ theme. While a group of dirty hippies played bongo drums and tambourines in a corner near the ornamental fish pond.
          "So who are all these people I don’t know?" Penny asked, staying as close to Chris as she could.
          "Do you really want to know them?"
          "No not really."
          "Ok, here’s a brief overview. That group over there are my mother’s country club friends. That’s the tennis club, the polo club, Aunt Hilda. She’s the black sheep because she married a commoner. Uncle Merle, has hands like an octopus so watch him. More of my mother’s family. Oh, and over there is dad’s brother Keith," Chris explained.
          "Right," Penny nodded as the bongoes got louder and one of the dreadlocked members of the group started wailing about battery hens. "How long are we expected to stay here for?"
          "You not enjoying yourself then?"
          "Are you?"
          "No, I always end up wanting to slit my wrists."
          "CHRISTOPHER!" Angie shrieked. "Come over here and tell Winifred all about that lovely Jemima Humphrey-Spratt you were dating."
          "You know, I’ve suddenly decided to learn the bongos," Chris muttered to Penny as he dragged her over in the direction of Angie and Winifred.

          It was 12:30 by the time Julia and Liam got to her parents’ place. They stumbled in the door trying not to giggle like teenagers.
          "What took you so long? I called you ages ago," Faye scorned, glaring at them.
          "Something came up," Julia replied trying to keep a straight face.
          "Yes well we don’t need to hear about that thankyou," Faye grumbled.
          "I’ll bet it did," Don grinned. "Like a flagpole."
          "Beyond the black stump," Liam nodded.
          "Right we’re going now," Lynda announced. "Jools, can you take the kids?"
          "Take them where?"
          "Take them with you."
          "Mu…Aunty Jools!" Gypsy Rose squealed, flinging herself at Julia’s legs.
          "Hey kiddo. You coming with us today?"
          "Yeah, Stinky’s coming too."
          "Stinky?"
          "Romeo," Liam whispered into Julia’s ear.
          "Ah, right," she nodded. "Well let’s get you kids organised then’"
          "Okay, first we’re going to go to Mt Lofty Botanical Gardens and then we’ll see where we end up from there," Lynda declared as they all left and made their way to the cars.
          An hour later they pulled into the car park and congregated around the map displaying the different areas of the gardens.
          "That’s where we’re going. Fern Gully," Lynda announced.
          "I think I’ll stay in the car and wait for you to get back," their nanna, Sylvia announced and hobbled back to the car.
          "Aunty Jools you have to carry Stinky," Gypsy-Rose perked.
          "Christ, why did she have to pick a place like this," Julia sighed as she picked up Romeo and started carrying him.
          While the rest of the group hiked on ahead, Liam, Julia and the kids fell behind. Mainly because Gypsy-Rose insisted on walking and on inspecting every rock on the path. She had also started to sing ‘Bob the Builder’ at the top of her lungs.
          "Was Jack ever like this?" Julia asked, trying to break the monotony.
          "I locked him in the bathroom once because he wouldn’t stop singing ‘Play School’ songs," Liam mused.
          "Don’t you think that’s a bit mean?"
          "He quite liked it because it made the song echo," Liam smiled. "But then his mum came home and I got into trouble."
          "I’m not surprised," Julia giggled and stopped to catch her breath.
          "It’s about time you lot got here," Lynda groused as they finally reached an unspectacular piece of scrub. "We’ve been waiting for ages."
          "Well, what have you decided about this place then?" Julia asked looking around blankly.
          "It’s not pretty enough and it’s too hard for the older rellies to get to," Lynda said nonchalantly.
          "And it’s a sacred site," Liam announced. "I couldn’t possibly be here. I shouldn’t be here now. I feel like I’m trespassing on my ancestors."
          "Really?" Don asked as Julia looked at him suspiciously.
          "Oh absolutely," Liam nodded. "That tree over there, that’s where the spirit of Tandanya created the Mt Lofty Ranges."
          "Oh how did he manage to do that?" Faye asked curiously.
          "He was speared in the head and where his body lay the ranges were created."
          "Oh, ok then," she nodded as they started to head back to the car park.
          "You are so full of shit," Julia murmured once the others had passed them.
          "It’s all true I swear," Liam smiled cheekily.
          "Aunty Jools you said shit!"
          "No I said shirt."
          "No you didn’t. YOU SAID SHIT!" Gypsy-Rose shrieked and the word ‘shit’ echoed throughout the forest. A few seconds later Lynda had marched back up to them and given her daughter a swift slap across the backside.

          Kirsty and Ross were involved in their second argument of the day on the doorstep of Ross’s parents house. They were arguing about who was going to ring the doorbell. The first argument had been about what Kirsty was going to be wearing. In the end Ross had persuaded her to wear a nice floral dress while he had changed into slacks and a nice shirt.
          "You press it. It’s your parent’s house," Kirsty demanded.
          "But you’re a guest," Ross huffed. "You should press it."
          "Ross just press the damn button," Kirsty hissed.
          "Yes dear," he sighed and pressed the button.
          "Is that a hymn?" Kirsty asked frowning as the tune filled the air.
          "No it’s a her," Ross sarced.
          "Oh you’re hysterical," Kirsty scowled and was about to hit him when the door opened.
          "Ross you made it! And you’ve brought a friend with you," Ruth gushed as she moved aside to let them in.
          "Mum, Dad," Ross beamed and swelled with pride. "This is Kirsty. Kirsty, this is my mum Ruth and my dad Graham."
          "Nice to meet you," Kirsty smiled as she looked around the room at all the religious paraphernalia.
          "God Bless you dear," Ruth chirped and disappeared to make tea.
          "Yeah thank Christ hey," Kirsty muttered and received an elbow in the ribs from Ross. "Hey babe, who are those people in the corner ignoring you?"
          "Oh that’s my brother Mark, his wife Diane, the one that wants me, and their spawn."
          "Diane hey? This could be fun," Kirsty grinned and waved as Diane glared in her direction. She chose that moment to squeeze Ross’s behind and he looked at her oddly.
          "Hey big brother! How’s it going?" announced a rather dishevelled young man in faded jeans and a shirt with silhouettes of naked women on it. "And who are you Kitten?"
          "Kirsty this is my little brother Rob. Rob this is my girlfriend Kirsty," Ross announced deadpan. "She has no feline qualities."
          "That’s not what you said last night," Rob grinned. "We talked about p…" Ross clamped his hand over his little brother’s mouth.
          "You do not repeat anything I may or may not have said," he hissed. "I was very, very intoxicated."
          "Funny, you were sober when I caught up with you," Kirsty mused.
          "Did you really lick chocolate off him?" Rob asked the second Ross removed his hand.
          "I’ve done so much more than that honey," Kirsty smirked. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Diane glare more furiously at her.
          "Maybe you should teach me sometime?"
          "You wouldn’t have the stamina," Kirsty informed him wryly.
          "My kind of woman," Rob grinned and nodded.
          "You, go and read your bible," Ross ordered, pushing Rob out of the room. "You, come here so I can fondle you in that rather attractive dress," he added, turning to Kirsty.
          "I don’t know," Kirsty mused. "I think I’d rather go read the bible with Rob." Ross glared at her. "Joke," she giggled and leant closer to him. "You’d still have Diane."
          "Oh that hurts. That really chafes," Ross pouted.
          "I’m sure she’d rub some lotion on it," Kirsty chided. "Want me to ask her?"
          "Ha, ha she’s got you there big brother," Rob cackled.
          "I have to hurt you now," Ross declared, shooting daggers at his younger brother. The pair of them thundered out of the room. A door slammed somewhere and the sound of scuffling ensued. There was a moment of silence followed by a loud slap and a wail.
          "OW that’s my bible you prick!" Rob yelped.
          Ruth looked furious as she appeared from the kitchen holding a large wooden spoon and made her way down the hallway. Once again the bedroom door slammed and there were two slaps followed by two exclamations of pain and both Rob and Ross came back into the room rubbing their arms.

          "I don’t think I can take much more of this," Penny muttered as the band started playing yet another song about tulips.
          "I don’t know about you but I’m exhausted," Chris sighed, trying to ignore the beckoning of his great aunt Mildred and her five Pekinese, who all seemed to be named Charlie.
          They had just started to make their way towards the house when they were held up by Angie.
          "Are you sure you don’t want anything else to eat?" she asked primly.
          "No thanks mum, I’m fine," Chris replied rubbing his stomach in an attempt to emphasise the point.
          "No thanks. I’m on a diet," Penny lied, smiling weakly.
          "Oh yes. I can see why," Angie sneered. "It’s a word I haven’t heard in a long time. I suppose it’s what you poor people would have to do. We just have liposuction."
          "Thankyou I feel so special," Penny grumbled.
          "Oh you should darling. You should feel honoured to be here. We don’t usually invite people like…you."
          "Oh look. There goes my self-esteem fleeing across the garden and nesting in the bird-of-paradise."
          "At least it’s keeping my enthusiasm company," Chris mused wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
          "You’re not enjoying yourself darling?" Angie gasped, looking mortified.
          "Oh I thoroughly enjoy being accosted by some old woman I’ve never met before while one of my uncles gropes my girlfriend."
          "Three times," Penny piped up.
          "I wish you wouldn’t call her that Christopher. We’ve got such high hopes for you and Jemima."
          "Would you rather I called her my pound of porking flesh then?"
          "How about your fuckbuddy?" Penny suggested.
          "See Christopher? It’s that language that divides us. You’d never hear someone of our status using that dialect."
          "I’d rather be fucking her senseless than standing here right now," Chris smirked.
          "Christopher!" Angie gasped. "Look how she’s got you talking. She’s a bad influence on you. I forbid you to see her."
          "Oh no. I feel so torn," Chris said deadpan. "Shall I stay here and be bored to tears or go do it in the back of the limo with Pen?"
          "I’m half tanked on scotch," Penny shrugged. "So let’s go do it in the back of the limo!" She grabbed Chris’s hand and left they garden without looking back leaving, Angie standing there in shock.

          Lynda walked into the kitchen and looked around. "Where are Jools and Liam?"
          "They left quite a while ago," Don perked, putting Romeo on the floor so he could run around the place.
          "Well she could have told me you know," Lynda groused, looking insulted.

          "Welcome to my humble abode," Liam declared as he opened the front door and let Julia in.
          "It’s…Nice," she said, looking around and taking in all the Port Power merchandise. "And look, you’ve got tapes of all the times they’ve choked. How sweet."
          "You just can’t let it go can you?"
          "No, sorry," Julia sighed. "I’ll try my best. Oh what’s with the Wanganeen picture?"
          Liam ignored her. "Is there anything you’d like?"
          "Panadol and lots of it."
          "Anything else?"
          "I think I might just have a bit of a lie down if you don’t mind."
          "Sure, the bedroom’s down here," Liam perked and led her into his room. Julia was pleased to see he didn’t have Port Power bed linen before she lay down on the bed and closed her eyes. She realised Liam was watching her and opened them again and looked at him, "What?"
          "Well, we’re all alone here you know."
          "Well unless you have a family of Lithuanian midgets living in your fridge I imagine we are alone."
          "Where do you think up those things?"
          "My brain Liam sweetie," Julia mused, patting his arm.
          "I just thought that since we’re alone we should make the most of it."
          "Are you trying to tell me that today is the only time we’ll ever be alone together again?"
          "In light of our short history, it’s a possibility."
          "Nice to know you have such a bright vision of our future."
          "You never know what could happen. What if I died tomorrow? It really would be the last time we’re alone together."
          "No it wouldn’t. I’d be alone if I was identifying you in the morgue," Julia mused. "Hey there’s an upside. You’d be stiff for a lot longer."
          "You’re killing the mood here," Liam grumbled.
          "I thought you would have picked up between taking the panadol and laying down that there wasn’t really much of a mood."
          "I can light a couple of candles and put on my good boxers."
          "Oh Liam, you really know how to romance a woman."
          "At least I’m trying," Liam huffed. "It’s more than what you’re doing."
          "I’m trying to stop my head exploding and leaving grey matter all over your bedroom."
          "I’ve got a mop," he announced. "I’ve got a kid. When you’ve got a kid you’ve got to have a mop."
          "Congratulations," Julia yawned. "I’m so proud of you."
          "Has your headache gone yet?"
          "Can’t we just snuggle? Well, you snuggle I’ll just lay here."
          "Fine," Liam groused, getting comfortable beside her.
          "Sticking your hand up my top is not snuggling," Julia giggled a few seconds later.
          "It’s my kind of snuggling," Liam grinned.

          Kirsty was bored out of her skull as she let her mind drift off while the conversation at the table turned to the latest scandal involving the local church. As far as Kirsty could tell it amounted to someone wanting to open a porn shop on the block next to it, or as Ross’s mother put it ‘that dirty business’. Out of sheer boredom she decided to go and pee again for the fifth time in an hour. She didn’t really need to go but it seemed like a productive thing to do. On the way Kirsty noticed that the door to Rob’s bedroom was ajar and poked her head in.
          "Can I come in or are you masturbating?" she asked cheekily.
          "I wish," Rob answered as Kirsty came in and sat on the bed next to him.
          "What you reading?"
          "Playboy."
          "For the articles?"
          "No, for Miss Nude December."
          "Well, being Playboy I didn’t expect her to be clothed," Kirsty chided. "I’m surprised your mother will let you have that filth in her house."
          "She doesn’t notice cos I bring them in my Jesus book bag."
          "Are you serious?"
          "I only wish I wasn’t."
          "Christ almighty."
          "That’s the guy."
          "So, why aren’t you joining in the fabulous conversation at the dinner table?"
          "I have better things to do than that."
          "Like reading Playboy?"
          "At the moment it’s talking to you Kitten," Rob grinned lecherously.
          "Gee thanks Tiger," Kirsty chided.
          "Tiger. I like that," Rob nodded. "So you and Ross huh? Is it serious?"
          "He’s the only man I’ll go down on my knees for."
          "You wouldn’t have to go very far then."
          "Don’t be horrible," Kirsty groused and slapped him playfully.
          "Oh you slapped my nipple!" Rob gasped, clutching his chest. "This nipple is yours now. I’ll never wash it again."
          "I can see you and Ross share the same gene pool," she laughed. "You’re both idiots."
          "Hey, I really look up to Ross," Rob huffed and them smiled cheekily. "I wanna be like him."
          "Whatever for?"
          "So I can get hot babes like you."
          "You flatterer," Kirsty smiled then thought, ‘Oh my god I’m flirting with a twenty one year old.’

          Ross was able to tolerate a lot but when the conversation turned to discussing the finer points porn retailing and the sex industry he decided he needed to escape the table. He’d been keeping an ear out for Kirsty and realised she’d been peeing for 45 minutes now and that only meant a couple of things. She’d fallen in, she had a serious bladder problem or she wasn’t in there at all. His suspicions were confirmed when he heard a barrage of squeals and giggling coming from Rob’s room. He wandered down the hallway, peeked in the door and saw Kirsty and Rob wrestling on the bed. Kirsty was straddling Rob and was pushing his face into a pillow.
          "Are you having fun?" Ross asked, leaning against the door and crossing his arms.
          "I think it looks like we are," Rob chirped beaming.
          "Kirsty I think you should come away now," Ross frowned.
          "What that’s the best you can do? Come away now?" Kirsty teased.
          "No, don’t take her away from me. I need her," Rob cried, wrapping his arms tightly around her.
          "Learn to deal with loss little brother," Ross sneered.
          "Aw can’t I keep him?" Kirsty pouted, ruffling Rob’s hair further.
          "No, definitely not," Ross scorned. "You don’t know where he’s been."
          "Meanie," Kirsty groused, getting to her feet.
          "Come on now babe," Ross prompted. "We need to leave before my parents try and get us to play Biblical Charades."
          "Fine," Kirsty huffed. "But I’m taking Christina with me," she added and tore the poster of Christina Aguilera off the wall and dashed from the room with it trailing behind her like a flag.
          "Ever go near her again and I’ll recreate the crucifixion with your genitals," Ross declared narrowing his eyes and glaring at Rob.
          "Chill man," Rob laughed. "I’m just making sure she’s appropriate girlfriend material for you."
          "How would you know what appropriate girlfriend material for me is?" Ross breathed.
          "I got to grope her thigh," Rob beamed. "She’s perfect, the best yet."
          Kirsty, who had abandoned Christina in the living room, was waiting on Ross. She heard a bang from down the hall, followed by a yelp before he appeared grinning inanely.
          "Ready to go?" he asked sniggering.
          "Sure," Kirsty said slowly as Rob reappeared limping. "Did you do that to him."
          "I ran into a door," Rob said flatly.
          "See, door did it," Ross shrugged and led Kirsty toward the open door.
          "Ross was a bed wetter until he was nine," Rob piped up making Kirsty snigger. Ross shot his brother daggers and started moving toward him. "MUM!" Rob wailed and fled into the sanctity of the kitchen.